- last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT
Posted by: AlmightyPancake
Well...
I first discovered Halo when I was on the tiny Pacific island of Tuvalu. The locals frequently performed a sacrifice to someone they called "God Chief," clearly a hamming of "Master Chief." Every day, before the sun came up, the whole island held a halo tournament. The loser was deemed the sacrificial "n00b," and would be sacrificed to ensure the rising of the sun.
After having to play through about four rounds, my beginner's luck wore off, and I lost my fifth morning there. Of course, I had no intention of being sacrificed, so I bolted for the treeline. Unfortunately, Tuvalu is incredibly small. Really small. As such, I realized that I would not be able to escape for good. However, I theorized that if I could live it out until the sun came up, the tribe would realize how unnecessary the sacrifice was. At one point, I was hiding on a roof. The roof caved in and I fell into the lap of the Princess Cavalu. She fell in love with me, we had an R-rated sex scene, and then she agreed to help me out.
As we were running through the streets, hiding from alley to alley, I glanced at my watch. 7:45. Dawn was minutes away. I looked to the horizon. Where was the sun streaming over the crystal blue? Nothing there but the relentless waves, pounding at the shore as the sacrificial drums. Then I realized that there was something to their mythology--without Halo, the sun doesn't come up.
I had made a discovery, and my life was still on the line. However, I suddenly came up with an idea. I ran to their temple and stood at the top of the stairs.
"I am the n00b!" I said. "But Jubbinju (the person who defeated me) is a H4X0R!!!"
The crowd gasped and swung to look at him. Astonished, he did not reply in time, and was carted off to be sacrificed in my place. I used that day to get the hell off the island. To this day, my friends and I play halo every night to ensure the sun arises the next day.
This.