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Subject: Flood - I need your help!
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I just got my first love letter in a while - and as usual it was delivered to me via a 'friend'. To quote the letter:

My name is Jennifer, I hope you know. [well, I do now - whoever you are] I just wanted to tell you I'm madly in love with you. I miss you so much [miss? I don't even know her], I can't live without you. So I gave this note to my friends to give to you...

[then, in large, bold letters]

I [heart] U!!

Love,
Jennifer

P.S. - If you wanna get to know me better, call me at ***-****, but if you don't like me don't call.


Ah. Teenage love. Such a precious thing. Now here's where the flood comes in - I would like to hold a little brainstorming session to figure out how to most humorously respond to this girl. Anything goes, so long as it's legal.

My first idea: Write a "fill-in-the-blank" official return letter from my "Public Representative" in type. Make it seem long and legal, such as that "he recognizes your interest. If you intend to proceed further please resubmit a resume complete with photo ID, measurements, your interests, goals, and any previous references you may have." Have everything in type except her name, and her place "in line" - which is hand-written in.

Any other ideas welcome.

  • 01.25.2005 12:57 PM PDT
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It has to be legal?
Sorry, can't help.

  • 01.25.2005 1:01 PM PDT
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♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
wes: u want me to gt naked on my web came?

whoa.... weird

  • 01.25.2005 1:05 PM PDT
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You should like totally come on to her in every way possible and see what she does. Or you stare her straight in the face and say slowly and painfully: I hate you.... die.

  • 01.25.2005 1:06 PM PDT

._____Metal
/..}-/-{..\
I.X....X.I..... Jets: Check
.T_V_T......Chargers: Check
...****........Colts: -blam!- them....

Tell her you're a girl too and that -blam!-s should stick together.

  • 01.25.2005 1:07 PM PDT
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Really Obbi, I thought you'd know better than to ask for advice on the Bungie forums. Esspecially advise for something like this. Now you know you'll just get a bunch of people saying: "Just shoot her with a shotty LOL!"

  • 01.25.2005 1:08 PM PDT
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Posted by: GothGuy
Tell her you're a girl too and that -blam!-s should stick together.


Yes 5 o'clock shadow is a very feminine characteristic.

  • 01.25.2005 1:09 PM PDT

._____Metal
/..}-/-{..\
I.X....X.I..... Jets: Check
.T_V_T......Chargers: Check
...****........Colts: -blam!- them....

...I thought you ment the message came over the wire and you didn't know this "Jennifer"....

  • 01.25.2005 1:14 PM PDT
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Posted by: Recon Number 54
Or, you could as gently and politely as possible, explain your point of view to her.

Her opinion of you would stay high, she wouldn't have been dealt a crushing blow of rejection, and maybe that would mean she would mature into a far more thoughtful and intelligent woman. Some man in her future might have you to thank that she didn't turn out to be a stark raving psycho. You might even end up with a friend.

Or, you could have sell herself off into a life of white-slavery in southeast Asia.


Or, perhaps, both?

  • 01.25.2005 1:20 PM PDT
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Posted by: ObbiQuiet
Posted by: Recon Number 54
Or, you could as gently and politely as possible, explain your point of view to her.

Her opinion of you would stay high, she wouldn't have been dealt a crushing blow of rejection, and maybe that would mean she would mature into a far more thoughtful and intelligent woman. Some man in her future might have you to thank that she didn't turn out to be a stark raving psycho. You might even end up with a friend.

Or, you could have sell herself off into a life of white-slavery in southeast Asia.


Or, perhaps, both?


hmmm....slavery sounds a little too nice.....

  • 01.25.2005 1:47 PM PDT
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Obbi, there is no need to make fun of someone who has a crush on you. It is perfectly natural for a girl of the teen age to have a crush on some weirdo. All you need to say is "I am not looking for a long lasting relationship right now. If you want to be friends then that is cool, but I don't think I'm ready for anything more than that."

On a lighter note, you could slap her with a rubber glove and tell her to snap out of it. Cause everyone knows you aren't good enough for her.

  • 01.25.2005 1:48 PM PDT
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Posted by: Halifax
Obbi, there is no need to make fun of someone who has a crush on you. It is perfectly natural for a girl of the teen age to have a crush on some weirdo. All you need to say is "I am not looking for a long lasting relationship right now. If you want to be friends then that is cool, but I don't think I'm ready for anything more than that."

On a lighter note, you could slap her with a rubber glove and tell her to snap out of it. Cause everyone knows you aren't good enough for her.


...ive been slapped by that glove before...ouch

  • 01.25.2005 1:50 PM PDT
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Posted by: angrysk8r
Posted by: Halifax
Obbi, there is no need to make fun of someone who has a crush on you. It is perfectly natural for a girl of the teen age to have a crush on some weirdo. All you need to say is "I am not looking for a long lasting relationship right now. If you want to be friends then that is cool, but I don't think I'm ready for anything more than that."

On a lighter note, you could slap her with a rubber glove and tell her to snap out of it. Cause everyone knows you aren't good enough for her.


...ive been slapped by that glove before...ouch


Was that ouch for the burn you just gave yourself?

  • 01.25.2005 1:53 PM PDT

It was a cold day near the southern base in Blood Gulch. Cortana and I were relaxing over a game of Go Fish, WHEN OUT OF NO WHERE 700 BANSHEES CAME FLYING IN!!! I GRABED MY SPARTAN LASER AND LET HELL REIGN DOWN UPON THEM. I HOPPED IN THE NEAREST WARTHOG AND TOLD CORTANA TO GET IN.

You should just shoot her with a shotty LOL!

[Edited on 1/25/2005 1:54:30 PM]

  • 01.25.2005 1:53 PM PDT
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Was that ouch for the burn you just gave yourself?
well it did hurt

[Edited on 1/25/2005 1:54:47 PM]

  • 01.25.2005 1:53 PM PDT
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Just do your idea. And dang it Obbi, now how are we meant to trick people new to the flood into thinking your a woman?

  • 01.25.2005 1:55 PM PDT
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Declare Jihad upon her infedilic soul.

Actually, that'd probably get you arrested.

Write her something lovey-dovey and run it through the "l337" translator.
Example:
"WOW.IMM!!!11!1!!!!!11111! WTF SO AS2NISHED!111! OMG WTF LOL IV3 N3VAR KNOWN TAHT ANYONA WUD R FOR M3 LIEK THIS!111 LOL IT RILLY BLOWS MA AWAY11!!!1 WTF LOL I THINK IMM BGINNG 2 FEL TEH SM3 WAY ABOUT U11!!!1 WTF
LETS GIEV THIS A SHOT1!11! LOL"

Or, you could just say "Sorry, but I'm -blam!- now. I made flaming man love to someone last night, and I don't think I can ever go back."

  • 01.25.2005 2:00 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

Obbi, there is only one thing you can do. Use her to make lots and lots of babies, which you can then sell to shishka (mods have to eat too!)

  • 01.25.2005 2:02 PM PDT
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The United States of America-- STILL more rights than North Korea!
--New official U.S. motto.

Cronin's Law----The New Flood Drinking Game

Posted by: Casey

Write her something lovey-dovey and run it through the "l337" translator.
Example:
"WOW.IMM!!!11!1!!!!!11111! WTF SO AS2NISHED!111! OMG WTF LOL IV3 N3VAR KNOWN TAHT ANYONA WUD R FOR M3 LIEK THIS!111 LOL IT RILLY BLOWS MA AWAY11!!!1 WTF LOL I THINK IMM BGINNG 2 FEL TEH SM3 WAY ABOUT U11!!!1 WTF
LETS GIEV THIS A SHOT1!11! LOL"


Or, even better;
0000011100001111000000010010001001010111010011110101011100101 1100100100101001101010011010010000100100001001000010011000100 1100010010000100110001001000010010000100100001001000010010000 1001100010011000100110001001100010011000100100001001000000101 0111010101000100011000100000010100110100111100100000010000010 1010011001100100100111001001001010100110100100001000101010001 0000100001001100010011000100110001001000010010000001001111010 0110101000111001000000101011101010100010001100010000001001100 0100111101001100001000000100100101010110001100110010000001001 1100011001101010110010000010101001000100000010010110100111001 0011110101011101001110001000000101010001000001010010000101010 0001000000100000101001110010110010100111101001110010000010010 0000010101110101010101000100001000000101001000100000010001100 1001111010100100010000001001101001100110010000001001100010010 0101000101010010110010000001010100010010000100100101010011001 0000100110001001100010011000100100000010011000100111101001100 0010000001001001010101000010000001010010010010010100110001001 1000101100100100000010000100100110001001111010101110101001100 1000000100110101000001001000000100000101010111010000010101100 1001100010011000100100001001000010010000100110001001000000101 0111010101000100011000100000010011000100111101001100001000000 1001001001000000101010001001000010010010100111001001011001000 0001001001010011010100110100100000010000100100011101001001010 0111001001110010001110010000000110010001000000100011001000101 0100110000100000010101000100010101001000001000000101001101001 1010011001100100000010101110100000101011001001000000100000101 0000100100111101010101010101000010000001010101001100010011000 1001000010010000100100001001100010010000001010111010101000100 0110001000000000110100001010010011000100010101010100010100110 0100000010001110100100101000101010101100010000001010100010010 0001001001010100110010000001000001001000000101001101001000010 0111101010100001100010010000100110001001100010010000100100000 01001100010011110100110000100010

  • 01.25.2005 2:05 PM PDT
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Crap...I forgot the website for the binary digit translator? What was it?

  • 01.25.2005 2:13 PM PDT

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