- last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT
I am MasterBlaster and I was hired as a Halo 2 consultant. (I)
Hello everybody and welcome to my post. My name is MasterBlaster and Bungie hired me as a consultant. My job was to basically research and converse with gamers everywhere to gather intell for Bungie and advise them of what they can and cannot get away with. I guess I will have to start at the begining. Here it goes.
From day one as I was walking into Bungie studios I was amazed to see a big waiting room filled with soccer moms, I approached one of them and asked her if this was Bungie studios? And she said yes. I then asked what the hell are all of you doing here? Is there a Martha Stewart convention or something? She laughed and said no, Actually she was hired along with the other moms to Beta test some xbox live game called Halo or something. I then laughed back at her and told her that was funny, There is no way Bungie is testing soccer moms for a video game, Moms dont play video games! Then all of a sudden I heard a loud voice shout out "Moms with the last names begining with the letters A through F please report to the gaming stations in the next room" I was shocked, I could not believe Bungie was actually testing soccer moms instead of pro gamers on such a big highly anticipated game. But sure enough, This was indeed hapening.
I made my way past the testing area and found myself in big room filled with nerds and geeks on computers filled with heaps of refuse! I was amazed... Some of these desks were insane to look at. I could not help but make my way to the junkiest desk I had ever seen, This thing was almost an igloo of crap. I dove into this heap and it was like Alice in wonder land falling into a giant hollow tree of nothingness. I eventually hit the bottom and to my supprise I landed right next to some Chinese guy playing Fable, lol. I introduced myself and he in turn told me who he was, Mat Noguchi. I asked him what game he was playing because it was obviously not Halo 2. He said Fable. I replied, Cool, Thats a pretty nice game, But Why are you not playing Halo 2? He said thats what the soccer moms are for. He went on saying things like "If soccer moms can play Halo 2 anybody can" and "All pistol whores from HaloCE must die! Soon after thata I decided to end my conversation with Mat because I started to fear the unthinkable, Could Bungie of sold out and Mickey Moused up Halo for all of the kiddies? Na.... This Mat guy is crazy! He is just pulling my chain, And probably pulling his own too, A little too much in fact.
Well it was almost 4:15 p.m. and I was late for this meeting I was invited too, It was a sit down with some very important advisors for a disscussion concerning the outcome of Halo 2 and beyond. I was very excited and could not wait to walk through this door. Its not everyday that you are invited to sit down with the geniuses behind Bungie studios. So here I am, I take a deep breath and pull down on the door handle, I slowly walk through the door and.... wait.. am I at the right place? I am greeted right away by Jason Jones who says " Hey there MasterBlaster! We have been waiting for you!" But something was very wrong :/ To the right of Jason was Mickey Mouse, To the right of him was Duke Nukem, To the right of him was Krusty the Clown, To his right was Teddy Ruxpin, To his right was Barney, And to his right was Jar Jar Binks, To the right of him was Gumby, And last but not least, To the right of Him was Martha Stewart! I almost Blamed my pants. Jason says take a seat Master and we will get under way here.
"Now then lets get started, You have all been invited to this meeting because you are all great at what you do and perfect for what Bungie is trying to do. We are going to revolutionize the gaming industry and inturn Place Bungie on a very high mantle. Your extensive knowledge of what makes things silly and funny and out right humptacular is what we hope to achieve with Halo 2! Right now as we speak we have hundreds of soccer moms testing out the Beta build in hopes for the simplest and easiest way to engage in xbox live combat. Our saying as of right now and we are very proud of it is "If a soccer mom can tear it up in Halo 2, Then anybody can". And thats exactally what we are striving to accomplish.
I Blamed my pants when I heard this and as a result everybody heard me blaming my pants! Mickey was the first to hear me because of his big ass ears. He strangly jumped out of his seat looked in my direction with very mean eyes and said.... Hahahahahaha!. Then everybody started laughing, I even started laughing. Soon after Jason spoke and said "Now then if everybody is feeling ok lets get started on any thoughts on what needed to be changed in HaloCE that was frustrating to anybody here. I jumped at the chance to speak and I said 'Nothing really needs to be changed with HaloCE, Just add some more maps, Guns, Vehicles, And tone down the pistol a little and your good to go." The second after I said this the whole room broke out in laughter again! Did I say something funny?
Jason Jones: Everyone has to be able to play this game MasterBlaster and quite frankly the learning curve in HaloCE is far too great. So what does everybody think we can do to tone down not just the pistol but the whole game?
Mickey: Well I think that if you take away the very foundation that HaloCE is built on, Which is its physics engine, Thats a great start! Use a physics engine that is not that demanding on the xbox so that things run smoother and things wont feel the same anymore, The feel of HaloCE must go, Is basically what I am saying.
Jason Jones: Done.
Duke Nukem: Hey whats up guys, *cough* *cough*, I think you should make bigger guns and stuff, I mean bigger as in make them ake up most of the screen! And make rockets folllow stuff too. And make nades useless too, All you need are bullets! *cough*.
Jason Jones: Done.
Gumby: I think you should make it easier for me to aim with weapons because my stupid hands are so big and I dont have a good aim because of them, Maybe you put something in the game like a Auto-Aim that helps me kill people without too much presicion, Like if I shoot at someone in the shoulder, Count it as a head shot or something. That would be great!
Jason Jones: Done
Krusty the Clown: Whenever I play Halo I am always all goofed up and I cant ever concentrate. I am always falling off stuff and dying! Take away that damn fall damage cuz its poopy!
Jason Jones: Done
Teddy Ruxpin: I like to play Halo but I often get very scared when people melee me. Its frightning and I dont like it, Can you take it away or at least make it almost useless to do?
Jason Jones:Done
Jar Jar Binks: Meesa donts liksa gunsa, I wantsa a lights sabers swordsa! Like obi!!!!
Jason Jones: Done
Barney: I think you should put some dinosaurs in the game, That would be as sweet as a little boys...oops... ugh.. sweet as a big plate of french toast!
Jason Jones: Ugh.. Done
Martha Stewart: You guys are all idiots! Those changes are only the begining. I say change everything! Every last little thing, Make it so that Halo2 is not really Halo anymore. Just a game with Halo window dressing. Take away the skills that made HaloCE a precision style game and replace it with alot of toned down borring weapons. You can say that this was done to balance out the game. Furthermore, Litte kids love to cheat so why not encourage it! Make sure there are alot of glitches in the game and hacks for kids to pull off so they can make up for the skills they dont possess. This way everybody wins. And take out those stupid looking health packs too. And you had better take away the nasty humping that goes on, Its just sick! At the very least make it not look funny anymore.
Jason Jones: Done Digity Done. Most of all of your great ideas have already been put into place and for the ones that are not we will work on them immediately. I shall conclude meeting as of right now. I have much work to do and I need to start right away. You are all hired as perminant cosultants, Even you Master, I will schedule another meeting very soon and we can start round two of the soccer mom Beta tests with these new ideas inplemented! Thanks guys and have a wonderfull evening.
To be continued...