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  • Subject: I don't know where to put this... so...
Subject: I don't know where to put this... so...
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If you have read the books you would know that while a brute is physically stronger than a Spartan a Spartan can easily take out a brute one on one with the various wrestling techniques they have at their disposal.

felt like you where using big words just to use big words.

a brute yelling in pain from a spike to the head isn't really ominous seeing that the explosion will kill him 100% without a doubt. no need for the word.

life doesn't ebb away when your head gets blown off. life ebbs away from a knife or bullet wound in your gut that causes you to bleed out painfully for minutes until you die.

Spartans don't get up precariously, word means to get up shakily or worried about danger. Spartans are trained to know no Fear.

Don't like the fact that Luke spends precious time looking at the brutes clothing accessories rather than finding a weakness or a way to escape.

don't have to say ''jump high over'' jumping over it sounds better ,less cluttered.

no way he blacks out from the weight of one brute. hell it took a fall from space to to knock out the chief for like 1 minute.

other than that i like the way you wrote it and would be interested in reading more.

hope this constructive criticism is better than some 12 year old saying ''omg totally cool dewd!''

  • 10.31.2008 9:36 AM PDT
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It DEFINATELY is. You're not swearing, yet you're being honest, which is what I was hoping for. Honestly, couldn't have asked for a better response. Thank you =]

  • 10.31.2008 10:09 AM PDT
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Posted by: Chrisname
It DEFINATELY is. You're not swearing, yet you're being honest, which is what I was hoping for. Honestly, couldn't have asked for a better response. Thank you =]


lol no problem man just trying to be a help. English was my best subject in school.

A little civility can be expected when speaking with adults. I hope you don't give up on it and write something good. imagination and determination make great stories.

  • 10.31.2008 10:12 AM PDT
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Yet you aren't speaking with an adult
GCSE student here =]

Civility is still a virtue, thanks.

  • 10.31.2008 10:16 AM PDT
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Posted by: Chrisname
Yet you aren't speaking with an adult
GCSE student here =]

Civility is still a virtue, thanks.


I have no Idea what that is [gcse student]. am I correct to assume that you aren't American?

and you are welcome

  • 10.31.2008 10:22 AM PDT
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I don't know how you number each year in America, but I'm in my fourth year in secondary (High?) School. In England we call it Year 10, so you probably would call it Grade 10, but I don't know if the numbers match up or not, so its the Year group where the students are aged 14-15.

  • 10.31.2008 10:27 AM PDT

GCSE is a paper of something that you get when you graduate secondary school. What is stands for i don't know.

  • 10.31.2008 10:29 AM PDT
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well how many years are you from graduating?

14-15 year old's are usually either freshman[grade 9] or sophomores [grade ten]
our school system goes to grade 12

grade 11= juniors

grade 12= seniors.

  • 10.31.2008 10:29 AM PDT

hes 14 if hes in grade ten.

  • 10.31.2008 10:30 AM PDT
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Ok. That's alot more different than I expected.

Yeah, I'm 14, our year system goes to year 13 from "reception" (I know, its a very stupid name, they don't welcome visitors, but whatever).

  • 10.31.2008 10:33 AM PDT
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well if you think about it maybe ''reception'' means that you are being welcomed into adulthood and what it means to be educated and wise enough to be your own man.

  • 10.31.2008 10:35 AM PDT
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Well, not adult hood exactly... we're 6 when we start school.
But I guess it could mean being received into the school.

I've rewritten the thing now, hope its better. Thanks for being a decent human being, I was expecting bigots and idiots on here, a huge contrast between "OMFG MAN DIE, GO KILL URSELF THAT R WAS -blam!-!" and "wow dood taht r ossim!"

  • 10.31.2008 10:40 AM PDT

Posted by: count peter
An open window. I must eat the horizon?

That was pretty good.

  • 10.31.2008 10:53 AM PDT
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Thanks =]

  • 10.31.2008 10:54 AM PDT
Subject: A short story I wrote, just about fits into one post =] (Untitled)
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My story is almost complete. It is as of yet untitled, if you don't read the whole thing please don't comment saying ANYTHING like "Tl;Dr." If you're going to comment, please make it comprehensible, and no flaming. I'll be writing another shortly, but for now:

Luke stared up into the fierce eyes and gnashing jaws of the Brute on top of him. The beast snarled and spat on his cheek. He had been fighting the thing for hours. Somewhere in the distance he heard its Chieftain yell “The pack will feast on you!” Luke was currently in the predicament of trying to get his arms away from the Brute’s grasp. He head butted it, and with all his might, managed to move it to one side. He tried to roll over on top of it, but the Brute was not having that. It snarled and flared its jaws, and pushed him away. He was surprised at how far he was flung.

He immediately jumped to his feet, looking for a weapon. He saw a spike grenade attached to the now standing Jiralhanae’s belt. He would need to get it first, however, so he continued his search, matching the pace of the Brute that was attempting to circle him. He was in luck, his quarry finally got bored of waiting, and lunged at him. He grabbed its arm before it even managed to strike his MJOLNIR Mk VI armour, twisted its wrist, and, with his free arm, pushed it to the floor. The Brute did not seem to realise what was going on, but the tables were quickly turned. Luke grabbed the spike grenade from the Brute’s belt, but as he prepared to stick it into the Brute’s head, the other charged. Letting out a great roar, the beast, gravity hammer aloft, ran at him. He primed the spike-grenade, sticking it to the intended Brute’s left thigh, and ran. He saw his escape immediately. When the Chieftain swung its gravity hammer, he feigned being forced from the balcony over-looking a UNSC base. Heavens knew where the Marines had gone, but all Luke knew was he had to escape. One Brute was dead, but the other had a lethal weapon at its disposal. He hung over the edge, and threw himself onto some rafters. It was a precarious perch, but it saved his life.

The Brute let out a roar of triumph, obviously more caring about its own victory over a human than its felled comrade. Luke looked down. He was wondering how far it was from here, to the ground. He knew he could survive the fall without any injury at all; Spartans never die, they only go missing. He was probably MIA already. He got back to business, wondering how to get down silently, without the Brute Chieftain with its hammer noticing. He knew he could best it, but it wasn’t necessary to do it unarmed. He would find a weapon, and then he would kill it. He sighed, slightly annoyed at the fact that he would have to alert the Brute to his presence and survival in order to get down. He shook his head, and jumped, landing feet first onto the muddy floor. The ground squelched under his boots and made a thud. Luckily, the Brute did not seem to hear.

Instinctively, he looked around for a weapon he could use. He found a couple of Brute Spikers, heavy, cumbersome. Awful weapons, but powerful, with a good rate of fire. He picked them up. A Spartan easily had the strength to do so, one in each hand, although he didn’t like to. He quickly jogged up to a ramp. He could seem to find the way he had gotten up to the platform before, so he got as high up as he could. He saw the Brute sitting down; eating what seemed to be a dead marine. He dropped one spiker, and took careful aim with the other, aiming into the back of the brutes head. He let of 5 rounds, re-aimed and fired off a few more. Most of them seemed to be deflected off of the Brute’s armour, yet one spike struck true in the back of the beast’s neck, killing it. The Brute had tried to turn around, but after being his just above the Adams apple, it toppled. Luke jumped, grabbing onto the railing of the balcony with his fingertips, and pulled himself up. He saw his helmet, lying amongst some rubble. He went to pick it up, and, checking the inside of it briefly, he put it on. He could instantly hear radio chatter. He heard someone say “089? Come in 089! Bravo 003 is ready for medivac!” Luke walked quickly out of the area, and saw it. In all its glory, there was the Pelican dropship, Bravo 003. He was getting away after all…

When Luke-089 awoke, he was dazzled by a bright white light. He heard a gruff voice say “There are two types of people staying on this ship - the dead and those who are going to die!” Luke looked up, it was a Sergeant. He looked around, the dropship was on fire. Luke rose to his feet quickly, and looked to the ramp. He looked back to the Sergeant, nodded, and ran, jumping off of Bravo 003 and onto a waiting Hornet. The hornet flew away, and as Luke looked back towards the Pelican, he saw the sergeant, trying to jump onto the final Hornet, blown to smithereens as a Covenant Banshee fired its fuel-rod cannon into the port side of the Bravo 003. Luke looked down. He watched the Bravo 003 spinning out of control, and finally smashing into the rocks below, where a wing was detached.

As the Hornet flew along, with Luke holding tightly onto the handle on the side, he remembered the Sergeant, allowing him to go first off of the Pelican, saving his life. The Sergeant… was not so lucky. He remembered the body, flung from the ramp of the pelican as he attempted to grab onto the ski of the Hornet. He thought about his friends, the other Spartans, and wondered if any were still alive. He doubted it. He looked down again, he wasn’t much for heights, but, knowing no fear, he thought about where he was going to get off. He saw a good landing zone, and, after rapping his knuckles on the pilot’s canopy, and nodding his head, Luke stood on the edge of the Hornets ski, closed his eyes, and jumped.

He quickly opened his eyes, stood to his feet, and got to his bearings. After about 7 seconds, having checked that his armour and weapons were good to go, he started walking. He knew he was somewhere in East Africa, although he did not know/care where.

He heard some radio chatter across his helmet, and decided to join in. He asked for his co-ordinates. After a few seconds, he was responded to, and told he was about 4 klicks East of New Mombassa. He looked up at the sun, as it was evening, and so he set off for New Mombassa. He walked with his Battle Rifle in-hand, as he did not know what he was going to meet. A couple of Banshees escorting a Phantom streaked overhead, and Luke dived for cover. He knew they had not seen him, so he stood to his feet and carried on. He glanced around quickly, and felt his suit automatically inject him with bio foam as he had been cut in his fall to Earth.

After about 20 minutes, Luke saw some wrecked buildings and a Wraith, far in the horizon. However, there was no need for him to duck to cover or to engage it, as a Pelican dropship was already doing so.

There was a long line of Grunts, possibly being used as potential cannon-fodder for their Brute master, marching along in the near distance. They did not notice him, so Luke quickly threw a grenade. Amidst yells of things such as “Run, Demon Flare!” He heard the roar of a Brute. A few grunts were killed by the explosion of the Frag’ Grenade and a large Brute came lumbering towards him, from behind some trees. Luke pulled up his Battle Rifle and took aim, quickly squeezing the trigger, and letting off 4 rounds into the helmet of the Brute’s power harness. He fired off a couple more shots, and the circuitry inside the powered assault harness frayed, causing the personal energy shield to drop temporarily. Seizing his chance Luke ran forward and jumped, narrowly missed by a barrage of foot-long spikes from the Brute’s Spike rifle, and, knocking the Brute over as he came, beat it around the head with the barrel of his gun. He speedily took cover, and after reloading his Rifle, looked at the awed grunts. One shouted “Leader dead! Run away!” as Luke pulled his magnum, and started firing. He hit two or three in the head and a few more in the chest or neck, and reloaded. One turned around and fired its plasma pistol at him, hitting his left leg twice, and chest once. This caused the power for his shield to drop substantially, and he cursed and took cover once more. When he looked out the grunts were gone.

Arriving at another UNSC base in Kenya, Luke was confronted by Commander Keyes. “Good to see the Chief isn’t the only one active. He’ll be here soon. Unfortunately, you won’t. We need you in Voi. There’s covenant activity there, Hood’s ships will be there soon, and we can’t let them come under attack from AA batteries, of which we believe there to be several.”
Luke nodded. The Commander turned, and shouted “How far away is the Chief? Has Kilo arrived yet?” Through his helmet, Luke heard:

"IFF confirmed. Contact is Pelican Dropship Kilo 23; Over."

”Roger that. What's the word, Kilo 23?"

"Sierra 117 onboard, Request priority clearance; Over."

"Deck's yours. Come on down."

“Sorry for the tight squeeze. Tell the Commander her ace is in the hole.”

Luke Smiled, and walked away. Miranda Keyes turned around “Ok, 089, time to get-- Where’d he go?” Luke had already left. He grabbed onto the back of a nearby Pelican as it readied itself for take-off, and hauled himself inside. It took-off almost immediately, and dropped him in Voi.

Once there, Luke immediately went to work. He heard, over his COM, that his mission was to destroy several AA batteries, mostly made up of Wraiths. Once he had got through to an empty lake bed where an Anti Air Wraith was firing at many flights of Hornets in the sky above. Luke shook his head, however, he did not notice the Wraith tank that had just fired its main cannon directly at him. He did not notice the blue Plasma flying through the air at him.



What do you think? Please reply =]

[Edited on 11.08.2008 3:00 PM PST]

  • 10.31.2008 9:23 AM PDT
Subject: I don't know where to put this... so...
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Live or die?

  • 11.08.2008 3:00 PM PDT