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very nice story, creative and well written
hey, nice story, Id really like you to continue it, I just have 1 *gripe* with it... if it is indeed 350something years, then If master chief and ect. get back to earth, will tey even know were he is, also Humans apparently have unuasualy short lives compared with the rest of the galaxy. so for all we know the some of the alien characters could still be alive..., just a thought though, though I'd reccomend having a look on the interwebz to see how long other races live.
-I know what you're thinking, and it's crazy.-But... what if monkeys really could fly?
Hmm...Cortana is a smart AI, right?What I believe recalling is that smart AIs have an estimated lifespan on 7 earth years before they go nuts.After the over 300 years she spent on the Dawn she should have grown quite unstable, but as you present her, as a totaly resonable and functional AI, it does not make sense.Unless she shut herself down or something to prevent just that, you've missed something in the story.
Posted by: Bending PotatoHmm...Cortana is a smart AI, right?What I believe recalling is that smart AIs have an estimated lifespan on 7 earth years before they go nuts.After the over 300 years she spent on the Dawn she should have grown quite unstable, but as you present her, as a totaly resonable and functional AI, it does not make sense.Unless she shut herself down or something to prevent just that, you've missed something in the story.but this is many many years in the future. so therefore technogoly could have changed right?
http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=18281838 help me develope Martial arts style combat for Halo!
helloI like you am a writer as such i shall present a writers prespective on this.It's good but could be better, word of advice always treat your work like it could be better that way you are always striving for new stuff and how to make it better.ok now onto the gripes.Show, not tell. My english teacher told me this once and i take it on fully. It helps dramatise and let the readers connect more, as well as put more to their imagination. For example this is me showing and not telling The moonlight shone dimly on the door, casting a cold glow upon it. Slowly i moved closer to the thing, as if some invisible force was dragging me toward it. Grimly i slid my hand around the cold metal of the knob. The knob creaked with age as i turned it. cautiously i pushed it open revealing the harsh darkness within...See? T he idea is to let the reader imagine they are there so they enjoy it more. Now you do this in your story (the bit where the cheif is walking into the burning, wrecked hulk of the Dawn was awseome) but im talking about making it more prevelant and it would reduce the need for dialouge from the chief (He's kind of a monosllabic character you know) ok gripe 2 COMMAS!!. i know there annoying i know that there are billions of them but they are necessary. I found a few in part 1 and i didn't really look in the others (im replying from part 1 BTW). Use a comma if you are continuing an idea, that way you dont have as many breaks in the writing to distract a reader and the story flows more naturally and is less stop start, stop start.Ok a gripe about dialouge now. It's good, a bit offf character and keep in mind these people talk like you and me, colliqualy. so i'm just saying shorten it down in bits and remember who you are writing for.for example Cortana says: I don’t know, but wherever we are it’s nowhere near Earth.In the game and keeping with her charcater she would have said something along the lines of: No idea chief, but wherever we are it's nowhere near Earh. See how it's like more fitting the situation (by the way i jsut finsihed palying some levels in halo 2 where corty talks a lot hence the using cortana and how she speaks.Ok also with the dialouge when you're saying who said it again, show not tell at one part you use the line: John replied with his usual sense of wit. “Just following your advice,”thats kinda weird you really didn't need the "usual sense of wit" part. you could have said something like "Just following your advice" John replied as he barrled down the dim corridor" see it's like not really necessary. Also try using a thesaruas so those bits don't seem as bland. so if you have "he said" you could use another word to make it more dramatic like "he whispered" or "he shouted over the deafening roar of the gunfire" yeah just using "said" and "replied" and stuff over and over it gets kinda boring.Ok well that's all i ahve to say please feel free to ignore everything i've said and use what you want. um if you want you should check out http://thecreativeforums.myfastforum.org/index.php it's a great sie and it's full of really good writers and stuff who can help you out i hope to see you there.P.S i think i went a bit overboard with mys "show, not tell" bit so don't kill me with that because the more i read your stuff, the more i relaise you have it. But it can always be better
Logan -X07: MIA
Thanks for the info, but really this is for fun and for people to enjoy.As you have previously stated my use of commas was a little sparse, but the thing about commas is that they only need to be inserted when the next sentence is related to the one before it. They do not need to be used whenever the reader needs to pause or take a breath as this is an incorrect way to punctuate. As i have already stated, i will be editing the parts to make them easier to read and so that they will also make more sense.
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i agree max, im american and not only me but everyone i know including my old language arts teacher use WAY to much commas, so your fiine. casue my teacher used to, say "in doubt, put a comma in". so yeah you need about 50 million commas per sentence with somebody speaking. it was real fun to learn that from my second grade teacher who already hated me.lucky eueropeans!
I love this story soooo much! How much longer do you think it will be until part 4 will be out? I'm so psyched to read it!
Chicken go cluck cluck cow go moo
i didnt know what a comma was until middle schoolyour comma usage seems good though
Posted by: MasterofPenguini agree max, im american and not only me but everyone i know including my old language arts teacher use WAY to much commas, so your fiine. casue my teacher used to, say "in doubt, put a comma in". so yeah you need about 50 million commas per sentence with somebody speaking. it was real fun to learn that from my second grade teacher who already hated me.lucky eueropeans!what the heck? i'm an australian, not european (although most of our like writing grammar stuff comes from them
We need part four quickly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,,,COMMAS YAAY
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I've been meaning to catch up on this thread. This is just a personal preference, but I think you might want to break your writing up into paragraphs. I know that you're writing inthe standard style of a normal novel, but it is kind of distracting on the eyes on a computer monitor, and you tend to lose your place easily.Just a thought.
Thats pretty good but how is the Pelican in perfect operational form after a crash landing and 314 years?
How do i save a thread
If you want to save your thread just go up to the top right hand side of the thread itself, and you will see several choices. One will be create new topic, and the others will be save thread and back to forum index. Just click on save thread to save it. Once you have done this then each time you go into your group menu along with the message centre you will see the saved threads option. I'll be doing my editing today of the previous threads which will include Cortana's life-span and some other small details.
Part 3 (Edit)John continued walking towards the Pelican expecting Cortana to say that he had been in stasis for 3 or 4 years, but her hesitation in coming forward with a definitive timescale only heightened his already overwhelming concern. “Exactly how long have I been in stasis Cortana?” asked JohnCortana paused extensively before coming back with an answer.“You’re not going to like it,” replied Cortana“How long!” asked John with a raised tone“314 years, 8 months and 3 days.” Said Cortana with a sympathetic toneJohn immediately stopped walking and dropped the supplies on the ground, for the first time in his life as a Spartan he was shocked.“I’m sorry John.” Said CortanaJohn made a vain attempt to recover his composure but he knew why Cortana was so sympathetic. She had been his guide and confidant for years and knew him probably better than he knew himself. It no longer mattered if all of the Spartans had survived the war, which he knew was impossible, they would all be dead by now. Not even a Spartan can live that long.“Damn.” He whispered“Chief I know that this probably won’t make up for anything but you stopped Truth and saved Humanity from extinction, you‘ve achieved your mission.” Said Cortana“I know, but I never expected to win this war on my own or without another Spartan in sight.” Replied John It was more than just that, John had hoped to see at least one of them again but the three centuries that had passed ensured that would never happen, even Kelly was unable to outrun time.John was indeed the last surviving Spartan, and his luck had held out where the others had succumbed to fate and destiny. Another dread-filled thought had suddenly entered his head. Even though Cortana was themost advanced of her kind, she was still limited by an unforgiving life expectancy of seven years. Under normal circumstances she would only have a couple of those years left at best, but they had been drifting in space for centuries."How are you still functioning after all this time?" enquired John"You weren't the only one sleeping up there you know," answered Cortana "After I dropped off the beacon and assessed our situation, i wrote a program for the enviromental and navigation systems that would allow both of us to rest until we were picked up. I was only alerted when the Dawn approached this planet."John remained quiet, thinking of his possible options. He had hoped that Cortana would live forever or that if they were rescued there would be some advancement in technology that would allow her to remain his companion well into old age. Three hundred years had passed since he was last on Earth; AI's were probably living to all kinds of ages. He hoped so.“We’d better get moving chief; we have a lot of ground to cover.” Said Cortana softlyJohn quietly nodded in agreement before picking up the discarded supplies and making his way to the waiting Pelican.The exterior of the UNSC drop ship was covered in scrapes and scratches from the heated pursuit of the Dawn. The starboard wing was slightly damaged from a near encounter with a semi-molten Warthog, but besides this she was fine and was all that John and Cortana could utilise in their exploration of this mysterious world.After making himself comfortable John inserted Cortana’s chip into the small Pelican holo-plinth besides the navigation console, she quickly appeared; bathing the cockpit in blue light from her illuminated female form.“So where to?” asked John“Take us up to two thousand metres chief and I’ll try and use what’s left of the on-board sensors to scan the terrain around us.” explained CortanaJohn replied with the engine ignition sequence before taking them up into the marble-blue and white sky above. As they ascended in the Pelican, the observable surface of the planet seemed to stretch outwards in all directions. Even with the new advantage in height there was little change in the terrain. The rolling blanket of dense-green woodland seemed to grow in size as they reached the 2,000 metre mark.The interior of the cockpit seemed to flare as shafts of bright sunlight reflected on the control console and cascaded onto the fields and forests below. In another setting John would have enjoyed the scenery before him; it was similar in appearance to the green expanse of Reach. Except here everything was flat and without anything that resembled a hill or a mountain. It was a stark contrast in that respect to the varied terrain of his former Spartan home. Reach was filled with every conceivable environment type; snow capped mountain ranges, rolling green woodland and arid-deserts. It was the ideal place to train a Spartan unlike this new world where nothing seemed to be out of place.The one thing that did seem odd in this sea of green was a small section of what appeared to be desert like terrain far off to the West. Cortana spent several seconds analysing the sensor data before reporting back to John.“There are basic life form readings in and around the vegetation and the only area of interest is 87 miles to the West. There is a small desert and some kind of object but I’m experiencing a great deal of difficulty in trying to get a more precise reading of it from the sensors.” Reported Cortana“Any power readings?” asked John“No nothing at all, in fact there’s a distinct lack of even background radiation from the object. We should approach with caution.” Replied CortanaJohn agreed and dropped the Pelican down towards the tree-tops to avoid presenting an obvious radar-silhouette to any potential inhabitant. For all John knew the structure could be a distant Covenant loyalist outpost, housing an untold number of brutes, Grunts and Jackals. All supported by squadrons of Banshees. Three hundred years of knowing defeat would mean any former adversary would be unwelcome, especially a demon. Despite having the Pelican to use, John dropped the speed down to half in an effort to conserve fuel. He had no idea how long he would be here or what he and Cortana would encounter on the planet. The last thing he wanted to do was reduce their traveling speed to a lengthy sprint on foot. The distant object filled with eye-catching detail as they approached, even though they were still over thirty miles out the unusual building began to fill most of the horizon. Its size was breath taking.Cortana gazed at the sight before them and a series of symbols flashed across her glowing exterior. There was obviously something of interest that John had not seen.“What is it?” enquired John “Or need I ask?”“The design is of Forerunner origin but it’s somehow different.” Answered Cortana“Different, how?” asked John “All of the other structures and ships that we encountered before were all made with a similar design theme, and they all utilised the same materials and energy output even when dormant. But this design deviates from everything else that I’ve seen before.” explained Cortana“In what way?” asked John with a raised tone“I can’t detect it. The sensors on the Pelican could pick up a large indentation in the desert floor and I could see it from the crash-site, but there’s no structure according to the sensor log.” She replied“You mean it’s a hologram?” suggested John“No I think it’s some kind of camouflage technology. We can see it visually but besides that it’s undetectable.” Said Cortana “But it’s not just the structure, there are various areas of this planet that are phasing in and out of the sensor scans. I think the whole planet has some kind of stealth field around it, but obviously over the years since the Forerunners were here the power in some areas has started to degrade.”John nodded and continued their approach in the Pelican; he was tempted to fire the forward chain gun at the structure just to see if the armour-piercing rounds would interact with a solid object and not a hologram, but he knew better than that.For once in his experience with Forerunner technology John wanted to know where he stood, but that was never the case.[Edited on 05.04.2008 6:24 AM PDT]
Part 3 Cont... (Edit)The unusual Forerunner structure in front of him was indeed different to the rest that he had seen. The metal almost seemed to harbor feelings of hostility towards him. Instead of the usual clean silver lines and highlights of blue light on every conduit and bulkhead there was a deep, dark metal almost black in colour covering the entire structure. But despite its darkness the building, if that is what it was, still managed to shine and glimmer like glass. Covering the dark skin were thin lines of bright red and orange, John felt as though was looking at some deadly creature that was covered in bright scales designed to ward off potential predators. The main bulk of the structure consisted of several large towers that stretched upwards into the sky, their thick capital-ship sized bases ascended vertically until they came to a fine sharp point that was coated in several red slashes. The tall spires were accompanied by several smaller spires and a large dark building shaped like a pyramid sliced vertically in half. Unlike previous Forerunner technology there was no observable place to set down. It almost seemed like the structure was designed to prevent a nearby landing in combination with the lack of obvious doorways. “I could shoot my way in,” suggested John “for a change.”“I think that in this case chief, firing any form of weaponry would bring us down a lot quicker than we would wish,” Replied Cortana “I think I know what this planet is.”“Go on.” Stated John“Everything else that we have seen, the halo structures, Flood containment units and the Ark they were all part of a large system designed to defeat the Flood. Whereas this seems to be a world designed to keep those that controlled the Halo’s safe from its effects and from any uninvited guest; such as a Flood infested ship.” Explained Cortana“You mean a shield.” Replied John“A shield world to be more precise, this is where a whole population could reside in safety free from the effects of the Halo’s.” said Cortana“I remember you mentioning this before.” Replied John“This is different chief. These structures aren’t here for decoration, or to power the stealth shield, they’re weapons designed for destroying one enemy in particular; the Flood.“Then let’s find a place to set down and have a look.” Announced JohnTo be continued...[Edited on 05.04.2008 6:25 AM PDT]
Part 4 will be along within the next 48 hours.[Edited on 05.04.2008 6:25 AM PDT]
Wow, this is just like a real book!
Max is one of our admins over at Wolves in the snow group. He's a fantastic writer and if you would like to more about the group and our Max please click on one of our names and select join group. Shameless i know but if you have any interest it can't hurt. We are a British American group and look forward to hearing from you.Keep up the good work Max you sir are a legend!
Always a pleasure Hass.
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Bloody Marvelous stuff Max. It's good to see your work being appreciated on a global scale xxx[Edited on 05.05.2008 6:28 AM PDT]
And another from the pack arrives
I'm currently writing part 4, so don't worry folks it's coming.Cheers Whisp.
Getting better and better max, keep it up.