By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.
It's okay...I guess but there are some things you need to brush up on.
The timeline is incorrect. Maccabeus was the Jiralhanae Chieftain KILLED by Tartarus so he could usurp his kinship, in short...Maccabeus is dead.
Which makes another point irrelevant, if you are setting this before his death then the Cheif and Thel are not allies.
In the space between the hour, there is no descriptiion about it and how Maccabeus is still fighting them...
You need to write this in Word, use paragraph spacing and do your research before trying to write a constructive piece of writing.
...When is this set?