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This topic has moved here: Subject: Team Omega:Fall Of Omega Base 1(Chapter Four Now Out!)
  • Subject: Team Omega:Fall Of Omega Base 1(Chapter Four Now Out!)
Subject: Team Omega:Fall Of Omega Base 1(Chapter Four Now Out!)
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Prologue
October 20,2552(Military Calender)
In New Mombassa Bridge.
''This is spartan 052 we are under heavy fire i need evac now!''John reported on his COM channel
''Got it spartan 052 i'm on my way''The pelican pilot reported
''Hurry spartan 052 is out''John turned off his COM channel
''All right team the pelican is coming so we have to kill the coveanant until the evac is coming''John said to his team
''Yes sir!''The team responds
''Incoming new contacts!''John barked
Few wraiths were on the ground
''Destroy those damn wraiths!''John barked
''Got it captain''Josh took his rocket launcher and he fires two rocket rounds,Two wraiths were destroyed
''Damn!''A team omega spartan screamed
''What?''John said to his teammate
''The scarab is here!''Josh said to john
''I saw the scarab,I'll be here for one minute''The pelican pilot reported to john
''Okay but watch out for that scarab!''John reported to the pilot
''Team the pelican is coming in one minute so we have to survive unitl the evac comes!''John barked to his taem
''Yes sir!''The team responds
''contact of grunts incoming!''Josh barked
The team fired rounds of BR55 battle rifle ammo and the ammo shots the grunts,Few grunts were killed then they fired the other rounds of thier rifle ammo and they killed many grunts,Unfortunaley the scarab is nearby to thier position but luckly thier pelican came
''Take the ride now!''The pilot screamed
The team rode the pelican and they distracted from the scarab fire power,Josh took off his helmet and scratched his blonde hair''It's unfair john''Josh cried
''The other people is dying out here''Josh said to john
''I wished to evac them too Josh''John said to josh
John knew he was right,Survival is everything not winning,Though john was in big battles and he thought that one day he will die,But his guess was wrong,Now john became what he have to become,Agressive and tough spartan in the universe.
p.s this is my first writing story and the story is not real so don't blame for that



[Edited on 03.19.2009 8:54 AM PDT]

  • 02.12.2009 10:33 AM PDT
Subject: Team Omega:Fall Of Omega Base 1(Halo Fan Story)

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

Many errors in it:
-Paragraph spacing
-Grammar
...And that P.S at the end.

I suggest you write this up on Word, use Halopedia as a guide to get to know some aspects of Halo better and focus on getting every aspect right as to be successful.

  • 02.12.2009 10:37 AM PDT
Subject: Team Omega:Fall Of Omega Base 1(Chapter one in page one)
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Chapter One
July 17,2537(Military Calender)
New York,United States
''Good morning luke,I hope you are really awake''William said to luke
''Yeah i'm awake william''Luke said
''I got something important for you''William said
''What?''Luke said
''Look i want you to select my son to be a member of team omega project''William said
''Okay,tell how he looks?''Luke asked william
''His hair is black,His skin has no freckles,His teeth is white And he's really tough and agressive''William told luke
''Okay i'll select him but let me see him''Luke said
''All right but he's in los angles,So it will take time''William told luke
''It's all right,Where is he now?''Luke said to william
''He's in Los angles college now''William said
''Wait how the hell a 14 year old is in college right now''Luke confused
''Well he's genuis''William told luke
''Okay?Sorry for being rude''Luke said in apology
''It's all right''William said to luke
''All right we better go now to los angles''Luke said
''Right,Let's go''William said

Note:This is just the begining,And for the last time it's fan fiction and william is john stevens dad and sorry for double post



[Edited on 02.14.2009 7:21 AM PST]

  • 02.14.2009 6:57 AM PDT

Not really any description, just talking.

  • 02.15.2009 1:38 PM PDT
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Chapter Two
En route to los angles, July 17,2537
In a UNSC longsword
''William how long it will take to go to los angles?''Luke asked william
''4 minutes in normal speed, 2 minutes in extreme speed''William told luke
''Well, go to extreme speed, i want to get to los angles fast''Luke said to william
''I'm on it''William responds
The destroyer goes in extreme speed
''Let's just take a little rest''William told luke
''All right, alert me when we arrived''Luke responds
Two minutes later, the longsword arrives to the landing pad
''Luke,we arrived to our location''William said to luke
''Good, let's move out''Luke left the longsword with william
''Hey there captain luke, how we can help you?''Jack asked luke
''I'm looking for william's son, he's in the subject''Luke told jack
''He's in south california university right now'' Jack told luke
''Take us to south california university''Luke told jack
''It's only two kilometers away, so why don't you take a walk?''Jack asked luke
''That fine''Luke answered
Then luke and william made there way to thier subject
''Well luke, this is what we want to look to, for our subject: Number 73'' William said to luke
''Yeah our subject is here right now''Luke responds

[Edited on 02.26.2009 12:08 PM PST]

  • 02.26.2009 12:07 PM PDT

As I said before, space out your lines, and use more detailed description. Good stuff though.

  • 02.26.2009 12:25 PM PDT

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

Better but you need to follow both mine and Wolverfrog's tips.

  • 02.26.2009 12:32 PM PDT

-eddy!
huh! What? It was the other guy, honest! ;)
'it was a sniper!' looks down at my sniper
uhh yeah? hes got one too. XD

umm, johns spartan 117

  • 02.26.2009 12:43 PM PDT

-eddy!
huh! What? It was the other guy, honest! ;)
'it was a sniper!' looks down at my sniper
uhh yeah? hes got one too. XD

[quote]Posted by: Uae Gamer
Prologue
October 20,2552(Military Calender)
In New Mombassa Bridge.
''This is spartan 052 we are under heavy fire, we need evac now!''John reported on his COM channel
''Got it spartan 052 i'm on the way''The pelican pilot reported
''Hurry! Spartan 052 out''John turned off his COM channel
''All right team the pelican incoming we have to hold of the coveanant until evac arrives''John said to his team
Acknowledgement lights flicker on in Johns HUD
''Incoming new contacts!''John barked
Wraiths approached from the north
''Destroy those damn wraiths!''John barked
''Got it''Josh took his rocket launcher and he fires two missles,two of the wraiths were destroyed
''Damn!''A team omega spartan screamed
''Reporr?''John said to his teammate
''The scarab is here!''Josh said to john
''I saw the scarab,I'll be here for one minute''The pelican pilot reported to john
''Okay but watch out for that scarab!''John reported to the pilot
''Team pelican is incoming in one minute so we have to hold out unitl it arrives!''John barked to his taem
''Yes sir!''The team responds
''contact, grunts incoming!''Josh barked
The team fired rounds of BR55 battle rifle ammo, hordes of grunts were killed then and they were forced to reload and kill more


i tried editing it for you, if you dnt want me too ill delete it,
p.s. the spartans dont say 'what' they say report, incoming etc
hope this helps :)

[Edited on 02.27.2009 11:52 AM PST]

  • 02.26.2009 12:51 PM PDT
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Posted by: Matt Eddy
umm, johns spartan 117

I'm talking about the other john, not john 117

  • 02.26.2009 11:51 PM PDT
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Posted by: Matt Eddy
[quote]Posted by: Uae Gamer
Prologue
October 20,2552(Military Calender)
In New Mombassa Bridge.
''This is spartan 117 we are under heavy fire, we need evac now!''John reported on his COM channel
''Got it spartan 117 i'm on the way''The pelican pilot reported
''Hurry spartan 117 out''John turned off his COM channel
''All right team the pelican incoming we have to hold of the coveanant until evac arrives''John said to his team
Acknowledgement lights flicker on in Johns HUD
''Incoming new contacts!''John barked
Wraiths approached from the north
''Destroy those damn wraiths!''John barked
''Got it''Josh took his rocket launcher and he fires two missles,two of the wraiths were destroyed
''Damn!''A team omega spartan screamed
''Reporr?''John said to his teammate
''The scarab is here!''Josh said to john
''I saw the scarab,I'll be here for one minute''The pelican pilot reported to john
''Okay but watch out for that scarab!''John reported to the pilot
''Team pelican is incoming in one minute so we have to hold out unitl it arrives!''John barked to his taem
''Yes sir!''The team responds
''contact, grunts incoming!''Josh barked
The team fired rounds of BR55 battle rifle ammo, hordes of grunts were killed then and they were forced to reload and kill more


i tried editing it for you, if you dnt want me too ill delete it,
p.s. the spartans dont say 'what' they say report, incoming etc
hope this helps :)












Thanks for the advice and i will try to write the chapters in a better way, also it's fan fiction

[Edited on 02.26.2009 11:54 PM PST]

  • 02.26.2009 11:53 PM PDT

It may be fan fiction, but you should still stick to the Halo Wars story. Check Halopedia.

  • 02.27.2009 12:07 AM PDT
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Posted by: Wolverfrog
It may be fan fiction, but you should still stick to the Halo Wars story. Check Halopedia.

Do you know that halo wars takes place on febraury to march 2531? while those chapters takes place in 2537

[Edited on 02.27.2009 1:12 AM PST]

  • 02.27.2009 1:11 AM PDT

Oh, did I say Halo Wars? Oops, I just meant to say Halo, I must have added the last bit because I was excited at getting it today.

  • 02.27.2009 7:46 AM PDT
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Posted by: Wolverfrog
Oh, did I say Halo Wars? Oops, I just meant to say Halo, I must have added the last bit because I was excited at getting it today.

Congrats for getting halo wars, by the way i'll make another chapter if i'm not busy in the weekends like tommorow

  • 02.27.2009 8:32 AM PDT
Subject: Team Omega:Fall Of Omega Base 1(Chapter three in page one)
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Chapter Three
1340 Hours, Inside USC
Los angles, California, United states
''Stay outside, i don't want everybody know we from UNSC''William told luke
''Very well''Luke responds
Luke walks outside the door of university of southen california, then william asked the teacher
''Excuse me, i'm looking for my son''
''Wait here mr.stevens''The teacher requested him to stay
The teacher walks to william stevens's son classroom
''John stevens, your dad is here''The teacher told john
It's odd that william want his son to be a spartan , becuase there is a spartan II named john-117
''Now son i want you to meet my freind, he's outside''William told his son
''Well, all right''John spoke to his father
William walks outside with his john, then luke came to william
''Is that our subject?''Luke asked william
''Yes, i'll give you a minute so you can talk to him''William answered
Luke walks to john
''Hey there little boy, what's your name?''Luke asked john
''John stevens''John answered
''Good name, how old are you?''Luke asked john about his age
''14 Year olds''John answered
''Why don't you come with us?''Luke asked john
''I will''John answered
William, luke and john walked to the UNSC longsword
...10 Minutes later
''Okay john,don't touch anything in this fighter''Luke warned him not touch anything to the longsword fighter
The longsword flights to until it arrives the surface
''Stay here kid, i need to talk yor dad''Luke ordered john
''What should we do william, Were dead if anyone knew his name''Luke panicked to william
''Unless we made a him a spartan III''William told luke
''But...''Luke confused
''He will be a spartan III for our project''William told luke
''Very well, i tell the marathon agency about this''Luke agreed
''William, you have to know that your son is not only listed to our project, there's other 119 boys listed to our project''Luke informed william
''I see''William said



[Edited on 03.08.2009 7:12 AM PDT]

  • 03.08.2009 12:17 AM PDT
Subject: Team Omega:Fall Of Omega Base 1(Chapter one in page one)

Interesting.....

A word of advice, space out the gaps between description and dialog.

  • 03.08.2009 5:08 AM PDT
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Posted by: Wolverfrog
Interesting.....

A word of advice, space out the gaps between description and dialog.

All right i spaced out the sentence: Inside USC, anything else?


  • 03.08.2009 7:13 AM PDT
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"If something is easy, broken, cheap or can be abused, majority of the population will support it as a legit and or skilled concept/idea. Whatever people like and or love, they will thrive on it because no matter how broken it maybe, they do not like change."

Welcome to writing shop 101 :D

  • 03.09.2009 2:44 AM PDT
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Posted by: Hedronox
Welcome to writing shop 101 :D

What does that mean?

  • 03.09.2009 9:39 AM PDT
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Chapter Four
1750 Hours, July 17 2537
Omega Base 1, New York, United States
''But luke this is crazy'' A man talking to luke
''Phil, i don't care what the ONI will say about my project''Luke told phil
Phil is luke's best freind and he's a part of Project: Team Omega, and phil was worried about if luke's project
''Who will take care the status of this project luke?''Phil asked
''The marathon agency will take care of any status to my project''Luke told phil
The marathon agency was a branch for Offices Of Naval Intelligence, now it turns into an independent agency who now contorls luke's project, it was founded by one of luke's freinds named daniel page who is the director of this agency.
''Can i have a little talk with you luke?''A man with dark hair and white skin appears in the screen asked luke
''What is it daniel?''Luke asked
The man was obviously daniel page
''William told you there is 120 boys who are part of your project, right?''Daniel asked luke
''Yes''Luke answered
''There is a simple mistake, there is actually 400 boys who are part to this project, don't blame william for that, it's just those so many boys want to join and 400 boys it's the only number limit for the project''Daniel told luke
''I understand that daniel''Luke said
''I'm glad you are, daniel's is out''The screen monitor went off
''Luke we better get started''William told luke
Luke and william walked to the control room, then they saw 400 boys on the screen monitor.
Luke raised the microphone and talked
''As a UNSC per-code: 9182290, all of you are now participated to Project: Team Omega A.K.A ''Helldestroyers'' ''Luke speaking on his microphone to the boys
Luke thought that those boys can't understand what he talking about but it turns out that the boys are understanding
''You will be trained like spartans and ODST's, we will make you the best men, well will make you an non-mercy soldier to your enemies, all of you will be the destroyers of hell''Luke finished his speech
He turned to jack.
''Let's begin their traning tomorrow, let them know we will make what they want too''Luke told jack
''Aye aye luke''Jack responds

  • 03.19.2009 8:20 AM PDT
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Why!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • 03.20.2009 6:58 AM PDT

It's too hard to read. Use more description as well, I don't want to read a script.

  • 03.20.2009 10:33 AM PDT
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How?, and you don't realize that my grammer is different, it will take forever to change it

  • 03.20.2009 11:14 AM PDT