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  • Subject: Opening Paragraphs of my Book
Subject: Opening Paragraphs of my Book
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The beginning of a book is important- so tell me what you think about my opening paragraphs.

CHAPTER ONE: Shredded Remnants

Staring eyes. Eyes staring penetratingly through him, chastising his soul.
Why did they stare at him so condemningly?
Dunmorix, as he was known in the war, returned the looks he was subject to with a confused gaze. Estranged, he was uncomfortable with this situation.
It seemed as if they had never seen a battleship before, or even a boat for that matter. He surveyed the crowd of staring eyes quizzically, and hastily moved onwards.
Not only did they show unfriendly looks, they exhibited great fear in his presence. His people feared him.
As he moved through the streets of Manhattan, he was appalled by the terrible sanitation. But far more striking than the filth on the streets, was their emptiness. There was not a single soul outside. Dunmorix stood immobilized, eyes and jaw wide, as papers and trash whirled about his feet. Even in his years of bizarre, new aged war, Dunmorix had never encountered a situation more surreal.
Born under the name of Idan, Dunmorix stood a formidable 6 and a quarter feet, his body rippling with bloated muscles. Although he was only 28, wrinkles were to be found at the corners of his mouth. He used to be a happy person- one who lived a normal life, with a love of justice. But after 10 years of war, his smile had faded. His own jubilation was a small price to pay for justice and the perseverance of compassion. He fought the Dark War for 10 years, for these people, and they alienated him.
His reverie on the empty street was shattered by the sound of a blaring car horn. He turned to see a Ford directly behind him. As he slowly edged out of the way, the pilot leaned out of the window and inquired of Dunmorix what his purpose was in the middle of the street.
Dunmorix stared vaguely at the stranger, and disregarding the question, asked, “Where is the airport?”
Timidly, the stranger shrunk in his vehicle. With wide eyes, he pointed to the blatant “To Airport” sign which was erected directly behind him.
,

  • 07.09.2004 8:12 PM PDT
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Don't dodge the filter - Maka

[Edited on 7/10/2004 12:30:27 AM by MakaVeli4LIfe1]

  • 07.09.2004 10:04 PM PDT
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Posted by: Jnice
READING IS SO [edit]!


Edit that unless you want a swift banning.

[Edited on 7/9/2004 10:07:17 PM]

  • 07.09.2004 10:07 PM PDT
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It's well-written, but I'm not digging it.

I'm not sure how to explain it.

Let me read it again.

  • 07.09.2004 10:08 PM PDT
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It's pretty dark already, with only more darkness to come. Maybe thats why it wont jive with you, Obbi. And I haven't had any training with writing, only from what Blueneb has been helping me with (which he has helped a lot). I don't think it will appeal to all audiences.

  • 07.09.2004 10:45 PM PDT
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I didn't like it because it's too cliche, I've realized.

  • 07.09.2004 10:48 PM PDT
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I don't personally like the idea about so much judgement.

  • 07.09.2004 10:49 PM PDT
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As a writer it's good to get the opinions of people reading your work.

People will hold opinions no matter what - them holding the opinions from you does you no good.

People who -blam!--foot about and restrain their true opinions about your work frustrate me.

If there's something you see that you don't like, let me know. I'll take it into consideration. I think it's a good habit to get into.

  • 07.09.2004 10:57 PM PDT
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Posted by: ObbiQuiet
As a writer it's good to get the opinions of people reading your work.

People will hold opinions no matter what - them holding the opinions from you does you no good.

People who -blam!--foot about and restrain their true opinions about your work frustrate me.

If there's something you see that you don't like, let me know. I'll take it into consideration. I think it's a good habit to get into.


Was my comment okay with your standards of reveiws?

  • 07.09.2004 10:59 PM PDT
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Ajent, I thought your comment was directed at me.

Sorry if it wasn't.

  • 07.09.2004 11:05 PM PDT
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Well I think Obbi's right- only honest opinions can help me out.
And what do you mean by too cliche?

  • 07.09.2004 11:05 PM PDT
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Posted by: ObbiQuiet
Ajent, I thought your comment was directed at me.

Sorry if it wasn't.


No, if it were to you I would have quoted to avoid confusion. I was expressing my thoughts on the original subject. I can't unquote. Oh well, it's nothing to get an adrenalin rush about ;). I’m just about through with those for the day. No worries!

  • 07.09.2004 11:09 PM PDT
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It just seems like something I've heard a million times.

(I'm going to make some pretty big assumptions on the plot)

Overdramatic intro. 'Warrior', perhaps from another time who finds himself in our world. Perhaps he's a time traveler.

  • 07.09.2004 11:09 PM PDT
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Posted by: ObbiQuiet
It just seems like something I've heard a million times.

(I'm going to make some pretty big assumptions on the plot)

Overdramatic intro. 'Warrior', perhaps from another time who finds himself in our world. Perhaps he's a time traveler.

Actually, I think the plot is pretty original. America's government has sort of gone "1984" and shut off americans to the rest of the world. They have developed a system where one group of people live underground, pumping out the makings of society, while the other class sits lazily up above, enjoying the fruits of the laborers. They are vaguely aware of this, but they are lethargic and will not abandon their cush lives. They think the rest of the world is the same.
In actuality, on the other side of the world takes place the most devestating war in human history- with only mere fragments of opposition holding the "bad guys" from completely taking over the entire world.
So it will have that whole twisted government from books like "1984" and "Brave New World" (in a sense, although the government is entirely different).
On top of that, it will have a lord of the rings feeling over on the other side, with massive futuristic war.
The main character returns to the shredded America that is, hoping to convince them to aid in the war- and ends up fighting a revolution.

Its all convoluted, but I'll make it all fall together somehow.

  • 07.09.2004 11:17 PM PDT
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The plot sounds clever. I assume you have an outline.

I just found the intro to seem a bit cliche; however, it was very well-written cliche.

  • 07.09.2004 11:19 PM PDT
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Posted by: ObbiQuiet
The plot sounds clever. I assume you have an outline.

I just found the intro to seem a bit cliche; however, it was very well-written cliche.


*Blushes*
Awww shucks... thanks.

I hope to break cliche later on- it helps that I don't read novels, so I can't model it off of anything. I'm also going to use your idea of the character changing from moral to unmoral- that should uncliche it as well.
Thanks.

  • 07.09.2004 11:21 PM PDT
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Posted by: ObbiQuiet
As a writer it's good to get the opinions of people reading your work.

People will hold opinions no matter what - them holding the opinions from you does you no good.

People who -blam!--foot about and restrain their true opinions about your work frustrate me.

If there's something you see that you don't like, let me know. I'll take it into consideration. I think it's a good habit to get into.


I don't know what editor you've been going to, but I've been writing for a long time and I've been showing my work to everyone, and not once have they held their true opinion. I myself would never do that either when I'm helping some one, or when someone asks how I feel about something. I'm asking politely, if you're going to critique something, don't put words in other people's mouths when they work so hard at helping someone, just state your opinion about the product.

  • 07.10.2004 12:10 AM PDT