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  • Subject: Hikaru's little story. READ ME AND ENJOY!!!!
Subject: Hikaru's little story. READ ME AND ENJOY!!!!
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Now this is the first part to a story I've had in mind for a long time, just needed a kick in the butt to write it. So I now give you my first draft at a story that has yet to get a name. It may not be that creepy right now, but it will get worse as I make the story.

It was a gloomy autumn day outside. The clouds had grown over blocking out the sun and the leaves of the trees were half way done with their molting process. The wind blew and more of the brown leaves fell unto the ground. James took in a deep breath of the cold air and let out a long sigh. His breath could be seen and it quickly cooled. He took a step off of his trailer's step and landed softly not making a sound.

The man looked around and took a walk down his street. It was oddly quiet out for the area. Not one car was on, no children that normally that would be playing at the basketball court, and no other noises of civilization. Although it was still early morning, the lack of noise did not make sense. He continued his walk and look up to the sky. The gray clouds held their steady course going west. He brought his head down and noticed something in the road. A single black bird was picking at something that he couldn't see. It cawed and went back to picking at what James thought was carrion. He approached the bird and walked around to its right side. He saw it was picking at something, a piece of what appeared to be road kill.

James watched the bird and recognized it as a raven. The raven stopped eating and turned its head towards James. It cawed at him and he gave a slight chuckle. The bird hopped towards him and cawed again. The cool wind picked up speed around him kicking up several leaves. James watched the bird and looked into its eyes. All he could see was darkness. The raven blinked and flew towards the man and landed a scant foot in front of him.

Their eyes once again made contact and James could see something in the raven's eye. A small bead of red began to swirl. The raven closed its eyes and opened them a moment later. A brilliant fire could be seen against the black. James instincively jumped back knowing that was not natural. The raven cawed at him and then to a nearby tree. James looked over to the tree and saw every leaf had fallen off. Instead hanging on the branches were birds, all ravens looking at him. A concerned look came upon his face. He slowly stood up and the raven next to him cawed. All of the ravens then cawed at him. It was an attack of words that he couldn't understand.

He shook his head and slowly backed away. They kept calling to him in their own tongue. He kept going and then something soft was underneath his foot. He felt his boot press down through what felt like mud or wet cement. He looked down and saw the thing the raven was eating. What once was a flatened piece of meat was now a disembodied human baby. His eyes grew and he jumped away. The ravens stopped cawing. James looked up at them and saw as they took flight. He ran afraid.

He ran down the street and made his way in between the many trailers that surrounded him. He kept running trying to out do the ravens. He looked up and saw they were directly above him in the shape of a cross. He looked down and came to a sliding halt as he slamed into the side of a home. He fell down into the dirt and leaves. His nose was broken. He got up holding the wound. A small amount of blood drained. He tended to his wound and gave a look around. He was in the middle of seven homes that blocked off every entrance. All he saw were their outside walls.

The ravens came in and landed all around him on the roof tops. He looked up at them and for some reason beyond his knowledge looked at the ground. A bloodied and magled body of a woman was there. Her brains splattered all across the ground. In her right hand was a pistol. James' eyes widened. The ravens cawed once and he reached down for the gun. He looked back at them and at the body.

After looking at them both he put the gun to his head. Silence befell the area. Only the wind could be heard wailing and then even the wind fell quiet. James held the gun to his head and watched as the raven he first saw approach him. It landed at his feet and stared him in the eye. He looked down and all there was, was darkness. James slowly pulled the trigger. The hammer -blam!-ed back and then released. No pain came upon him, no sound was heard, and his body fell. Everything went black. The sky, the ground, everything but him and the raven next to him. His body stared at the bird as it moved forward and pecked out his eyes.

James snapped awake clutching his face and chest. He screamed and looked around. His trailer was in its normal dishelved state. Beer cans were on the floor, a pile of magazines in the corner, and his Glock.45 on the table across the room. He looked at the weapon breathing heavily and felt his head. It was still intact and from what he could tell it was just a nightmare. His chest and bed were soaked in a cold sweat. The place reaked of persperation and olod cigarettes. He looked over at the clock. It was 7:35, he had a long while before he had to go to work.

" I need to lay off whatever it is I was on last night. " he told himself as he swung his feet out of bed. James wiped his face off and grabbed a bagel out of a dirty cupboard. He shut it the cupboard door, a rarity in his normal style of living, and took a bite out of his breakfast. He grabbed the TV remote off of the table next to his pistol and turned on the TV.

The reception was poor and static filled most of the screen. He flipped through the channels finding the morning news. Nothing really important. A cloudy day with a touch of fog. Rain expected by mid-afternoon. Nothing significant.

He finished his bagel and threw on some fresh clothing. Afterwards he took a step outdoors. It was a gloomy autumn day outside. The clouds had grown over blocking out the sun and the leaves of the trees were half way done with their molting process. The wind blew and more of the brown leaves fell unto the ground. James took a deep breath and then realized that it was quiet outside.

The story will progress and some really freaky -blam!- will happen. I hope you enjoyed it, please leave comments.

[Edited on 7/12/2004 9:43:57 PM]

  • 07.12.2004 9:20 PM PDT
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Not bad for a first draft. Could use a bit of improvement in some areas but it seems ok so far.

  • 07.12.2004 9:50 PM PDT
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Yeah there will be a ton of improvement and thanks. Much more detail and a more vivid, horrifying picture shall be painted for the reader later on as well. I am actually going to try to get the book published once everything is all set and done. Look out book world, Hikaru is coming. *laughs at self for even thinking of something that stupid*

  • 07.12.2004 9:53 PM PDT
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Getting a book published is very very hard to do. Publishers are vicous. I sincerely wish you good luck, and i hope the story comes together for you well. I'm still working on writing one of my own. I've got the whole story worked out already, just making it sound good on paper is difficult to do. You have to make sure what you write sounds nice, while not becoming repetative or boring, or even too hard to understand.

  • 07.12.2004 9:59 PM PDT
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Posted by: finalwaltz
Not bad for a first draft. Could use a bit of improvement in some areas but it seems ok so far.


I agree with that, it's okay for it to come from thought. It kind of reminds me of a modern version of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven."

  • 07.12.2004 10:02 PM PDT
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The Ravens will only have a minor significance. Demonic forces and hell are going to play a much bigger part.

  • 07.13.2004 6:55 AM PDT
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this seems like a very interesting story. just dont lose interest in it until it is done. i could have had an entire shelf of bestsellers if id kept the interest.

  • 07.13.2004 7:43 AM PDT
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I know your pain. However I think I will follow this one through to the end.

  • 07.13.2004 1:33 PM PDT
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Posted by: Hikaru 119
The Ravens will only have a minor significance. Demonic forces and hell are going to play a much bigger part.


Everything that involves evil, demonic forces is good

  • 07.13.2004 2:30 PM PDT
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waitamiute, demonic carniverous forces? sounds abit like an old game i had

  • 07.13.2004 2:33 PM PDT
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Cool story but how long are you going to make it?

  • 07.13.2004 2:39 PM PDT
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Yes demonic forces and the like. It should sound like an old game you had.....except I took very little from that quiet little town of Silent Hill. Just a few details, and then I will be adding much more and much worse to the already dangerous mix.

And I intend to make this a roughly 350 - 400 page novel.

  • 07.13.2004 3:01 PM PDT

With B.B. gone, the passion of Bungie.net has lessened.

"Quote the Raven, "Never more!"

  • 07.13.2004 3:12 PM PDT

With B.B. gone, the passion of Bungie.net has lessened.

I like it. Very good for a rough draft (I guess I shoudln't say that, though, since I'm not good at being a critic).

A suggestion:
-Add some substance... it seems a little empty. Unless James not having any real character is part of the plot to your story, add some in... I don't know who this James is... And a little more detail might help with substance, too, although your detail amount was still good. Just add a little more to it (another event maybe, before he kills himself) and I think it'd be better.

Heh, the dream kinda reminds me of the opening cinematic to Diablo, where the raven is pecking out the eyes of a corpse in a deserted place.

  • 07.13.2004 3:25 PM PDT
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Shai Hulud all things are noted. Danke.

  • 07.13.2004 3:28 PM PDT

With B.B. gone, the passion of Bungie.net has lessened.

Danke?

Anyway, I'm just curious, but Hikaru, how old are you (you don't have to answer if you don't want to... I'll understand)? I'm only 16, and still haven't got to writing a book I have ideas about...

Although most of the ideas about my book that I had I flushed down the toilet because either I found out they weren't original (even though I thought they were), or I thought they weren't as great as I had once thought they were....

Ah well... more ideas will come... still time ahead of me... still time.

  • 07.13.2004 3:52 PM PDT
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I am 18 and I have been writing stories since I was 13. Altough many of my first ones were nothing more than Final Fantasy/ Termniator/ other sci-fi or fantasy rip-offs. Eventually I came up with my own ideas around the age of 15, then fell into Halo a year later with a long fan fiction that is still going. This was actually one of my first non-Halo writings since Halo 1 was launched.

But don't worry. Ideas will come, you just have to wait for them. Maybe stay away from that which you are by the most. That is what inspired me to write this. Getting away from life for a while. Try it, it might do you some good.

And "Danke" is german for thanks.

[Edited on 7/13/2004 11:54:03 PM]

  • 07.13.2004 11:53 PM PDT
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This isn't about halo right? Casue it's me who usualy does halo stories. Nice anyway. You have made me jealous once again.

edit- hmmmmm, good Idea. I should get away from life for a while. But first I need a life to get away from. (kidding)

[Edited on 7/14/2004 4:54:34 AM]

  • 07.14.2004 4:52 AM PDT
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hickory sticks,
great story......actually

i was lazy so i read the first paragraph only, but it seems cool, descriptive, modest, and overwritten, but
cool

  • 07.14.2004 5:04 AM PDT
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I've been writing a book. It's ok, it's also going to have a sequal, and three books based on the past of the main characters. (1 for each character)

  • 07.14.2004 5:46 AM PDT
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Posted by: dittokiddoblitto
hickory sticks,
great story......actually

i was lazy so i read the first paragraph only, but it seems cool, descriptive, modest, and overwritten, but
cool


If you think that is overwritten then you should read the first 30 pages that I am now done with. It would scare you, it did a few people at least....well the horrible things I put in scared them and my ability to add horrifying detail to those things.

  • 07.15.2004 7:13 PM PDT