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  • Subject: Halo Fanfic: If I were your hero
Subject: Halo Fanfic: If I were your hero
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I can't add much to what everyone's said so I'll just say: "YAY!" Great Stage, soul. A little point for you to work on is the description of surroundings in combat, like Scorp said, but other than that this was great.

  • 11.29.2005 9:52 AM PDT

He watches every Hodgetwin video they put up...on ALL their channels. He calls them the Hodge Triplets, and considers himself the 3rd triplet. He's started talking and acting like them now. Every other line out of his mouth "Thaaas some BULLLLLL**** maaayne" or "Gotta make dem gainzzzz". He calls his biceps "gains". When he eats post-workout, he talks to his biceps, "Don't worry gains, I'm feeding you. Daddys gonna feed you, gainz *kisses biceps*".

Posted by: Scorptank
I must apologize for being so awfully late, soulguard, I simply didn't have the time to read the new Stage. But now that I have;

Great. Action really is your thing. The only thing I can comment on is lack of descriptions of the environment. All this action was really cool - you're a master at it - but I had a hard time figuring what the hell was going on where. Eric took cover, behind what? I could see all the action happening, but on a blank screen. Right, the desert, but still... I'm only mentioning it.

Posted by:But Melanie was a battle ready Black Ops Spartan; that was what Dr. Smith was calling them. She loved the title, and she was determined to make a name for herself by not dieing in this battle. Melanie wanted to see this war to the end.
Didn't Plato say: "The only soldiers that see war end are the ones that die fighting."

I have an eerie feeling Melanie wont survive. For a moment, I feared for Marks' life as well, simply because he was a target of constant plasma fire from Ghosts, but that turned out all right. And the Chief's appearance was well timed, any sooner and it the battle would have been too much in the favor of the allied forces.

Well done, soulguard. Very well done. Nice. Superb and whatever can be said.


While I agree that everyone's combat scenarios could be worked upon, I think that Soulguard actually liberates me to a degree by not writing in where every grain of sand is. It frees me to use my own mind to imagine the scenarios, something I enjoy doing. Sometimes, I like it when it's not all laid out in front of me, where I can use my imagination some. Generally speaking, good detail is cool, but leaving it open helps sometimes. I can understand why Soulguard didn't put tons of detail in it. When I wrote my not-so-cool combat scenes, I had awful difficulty trying to describe the complex images I had in my mind.

And indeed, Scorptank, I feel very much that Melanie's going to bite the dust. She's one of those pretty-cool characters that you just know needs to die so she'll get out of the spotlight, a spotlight that probably belongs (in Soulguard's opinion, at least, since he made them the stars of the story) to Eric and Rose. We'll see, though.

  • 11.29.2005 11:05 AM PDT
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Look, now souldgaurd has got respect, props, fans. He should get a custom avator...or a cookie :D

The ladies are gonna be all over you now, you might want to start another series.

Oh, and I think he and the other fanfic leaders should get uber titles, like amazing writer, or fanfic pimp as their position in bungie, instead of (member)

  • 11.29.2005 2:58 PM PDT
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Sorry I haven't posted anything Soul. I've been... Busy... Actually I've just been to lazy playing Perfect Dark Zero, NFS: Most Wanted, and Call of Duty 2 to get off my but and type some. But I have been reading the chapters. Still going strong I see. And since the last chapter is next, can't you make it like 50 pages of APF(Action Packed Fun)? Oh, and good job Scorptank! Dam, you and Scorp are the best writers out here. Clark turned MC into a Sicko Rapist, and SB hasnt dont a chapter since..... What, July?

  • 11.29.2005 3:00 PM PDT
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best stage period. IMO. great job in the battle scene. it really put everything in perspective about how rose feels and im beginning to like her. great job finding a way to add some chracter devolpment in an action packed stage.

  • 11.29.2005 3:43 PM PDT

TWP - Assistant Director
Blade Runner: #00124A
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Thanks everyone, and I hear you about the enviornment detail. It sometimes slips by when I write and because of the fast pace of the last stage it slipped by, unnoticed on my part. Keep telling me these things, and I promise I'll make all these corrections in the re-write.
Things that have been brought to my attention:
-grammer mistakes
-punctions
-ranks (Liutenant versus warrant)
-too much dialog in slow chapters
-lack of secondary character buildup
-small plot holes (the crystal mainly)
-forgotten characters
-setting descriptions

... just to name a few. These are some of things I plan to fix when I do the rewrite and edits at the conclusion of the story. Taking an idea from Sir_Brilliant (hope you don't mind), I'll release the edited book (If I Were Your Hero- Redux) in the form of a PDF and hopefully an Ebook. This is all still in the future, but hopefully by early feburary I will upload the completed story to my website for the world to read.

Why am I re-writing the story? - IIWYH is only in its first draft. Any writer that is serious about getting published has to understand that "You will sometimes write a story three times before it is finished." I've talked to some writers who have said that their publishers/editors re-write the story at least twice. Granted, this is only done for big name writers (Koonz, Dean, Chrichton, etc.) who have a lot of back and forth elements. Sometimes these writers have their own paid editors that read the writers notes and make all the necessary changes for the writer after she/he does the first draft. --phew--

So my point is, I plan for this story to be a real look into what I am capable of. In my dreams of one day being a published author, I'd love for my publisher to see this story in my portfolio/works and understand my abilities and weaknesses. I didn't do all of this writing for nothing.

This story can' t be published, but I can use at as a testament to my work. So keep those comments coming. More info soon...

-soulguard

  • 11.30.2005 8:10 AM PDT
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i understand,, i don't think you'll have any problem with a publisher so long as you state its a fanfiction etc etc ( to avoid bungies wrath )

put it this way just tell them you have a fanbase here which would be happy to buy it

  • 11.30.2005 12:17 PM PDT
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DAMN IT!!! LET'S START THE BIDDING!!

I will open it up with $5,Going once. Going twice....

  • 12.01.2005 9:39 PM PDT
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you know if i bet £5 its more than $5 so ha

hey soul hows this chap coming

  • 12.01.2005 11:44 PM PDT

TWP - Assistant Director
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Posted by: highland brute
...hey soul hows this chap coming


Amazingly well. I ran into a few rough spots earlier, but I'm pushing past them. The end is still taking shape but there will be a bit of a ... twist. Something I didn't plan to happen, will happen, and it scares me as to how you will all handle it. In one hand, some of you may read over it and not really care. Yet, in the other hand, some of you may roar in protest. Is someone going to die? I can't say, but what I can say is that it will be quite shocking, even to me.

Oh well, I have plenty of time (thankfully) to play with a few ideas, and I promise to only post the best one.

-soulguard

PS: The poll for my story "Stand, Five Feet High", closes on Sunday! So if you haven't voted or made a review, then now's the time to do it. Head over to the Official Fanfiction group and vote. I'd be much appreciated.
Official Fanfiction group


[Edited on 12/2/2005]

  • 12.02.2005 6:25 AM PDT
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Damn man. I'm going to be sad when when this story is over (only two chapters left), but on the bright side, i'll have more time to work on mine. That is untill your next story comes out.

  • 12.02.2005 8:07 AM PDT
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Oh yeah, the book was gonna be free.
yah...

Well, what ever happened to the title thing, soulgaurd?

Oh, and Soulgaurd, could I try to create a cover for "Stand Five Feet High" ?

  • 12.02.2005 8:16 PM PDT
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yays ,, gave it a 5/5 but i would have given it 90/100 but that wasn't the scale

  • 12.03.2005 11:00 AM PDT

He watches every Hodgetwin video they put up...on ALL their channels. He calls them the Hodge Triplets, and considers himself the 3rd triplet. He's started talking and acting like them now. Every other line out of his mouth "Thaaas some BULLLLLL**** maaayne" or "Gotta make dem gainzzzz". He calls his biceps "gains". When he eats post-workout, he talks to his biceps, "Don't worry gains, I'm feeding you. Daddys gonna feed you, gainz *kisses biceps*".

Is the release date for the final chapter still this coming Friday? I can't wait...

  • 12.03.2005 11:27 AM PDT

TWP - Assistant Director
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quick note... there will be one more SHORT stage. Stage 27 this friday. And then the conclusion next week.

-soulguard

  • 12.03.2005 11:35 AM PDT
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*All of the above is the opinion of the user: WartHogRacerman3. Complaints can be forwarded to his secretary.

I own an HDTV [12/30/07]


Posted by: soulguard
quick note... there will be one more SHORT stage. Stage 27 this friday. And then the conclusion next week.

-soulguard
You mean yesterday?

  • 12.03.2005 11:45 AM PDT

He watches every Hodgetwin video they put up...on ALL their channels. He calls them the Hodge Triplets, and considers himself the 3rd triplet. He's started talking and acting like them now. Every other line out of his mouth "Thaaas some BULLLLLL**** maaayne" or "Gotta make dem gainzzzz". He calls his biceps "gains". When he eats post-workout, he talks to his biceps, "Don't worry gains, I'm feeding you. Daddys gonna feed you, gainz *kisses biceps*".

Posted by: WartHogRacerman3

Posted by: soulguard
quick note... there will be one more SHORT stage. Stage 27 this friday. And then the conclusion next week.

-soulguard
You mean yesterday?


No sir, he means this coming Friday. I'm not sure of the exact date... but it'd be around the 8th.

  • 12.03.2005 9:43 PM PDT
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yay its longer i mean -blam!- it has to end i want closure !1 oh im so torn

  • 12.04.2005 10:17 AM PDT

He watches every Hodgetwin video they put up...on ALL their channels. He calls them the Hodge Triplets, and considers himself the 3rd triplet. He's started talking and acting like them now. Every other line out of his mouth "Thaaas some BULLLLLL**** maaayne" or "Gotta make dem gainzzzz". He calls his biceps "gains". When he eats post-workout, he talks to his biceps, "Don't worry gains, I'm feeding you. Daddys gonna feed you, gainz *kisses biceps*".

Posted by: grunt pimpa
NOOOO! NO! NO CLOSURE!!!! NO!!!!!!


i gave it a 4.5....

i couldnt quite squeeze a full 5.

BUT i thought about it for a few minutes...


i cant wait till friday...


soul ma nyou need to get on live more.... and relieve yourself from the common day stresses....


Shhhhhhhh! Quiet, Prowlaz! If he gets hooked on Live he may not finish the story...

  • 12.04.2005 7:49 PM PDT

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Note: Okay everyone, I promised I give you another deleted scene, and here it is.
This scene was taken out of stage 25 (Do or Die) and the focus is on Migpap and Palab.
Reason for the edit: While I love telling Palab's story, I feel that IIWYH is trully Eric, Melanie, and Rose's story. To go into too much detail at this point would shift the focus into too many directions. I hated to cut this out, but now that I look back at Stage 25, it wouldn't have fit. However, this part will be introduced into the next story, the final part of the trilogy.
It really hurt to cut this scene, but now that I have found the time to edit it, I thought that I would share it with you all. This scene is pivotal to the future of the grunts, and it REALLY hurt to cut it from the story. But in the end, you will all be more appreciative of it when book 3 comes out sometime next year.

Enjoy.

*****************

Stage 25 - Scene Edit: The First Disciple

Seed Ship
Ancient City: Grunt Camp
13:55 October 26, 2552

A crowd of anxious grunts encircled the area, cheering and barking with a fever pitched glee. Hundreds of grunts piled on top of each other and formed a dueling pit, and in the center stood their king, their messiah, Palab. The untamed grass of the Ancient City fields was taller then the grunts, but they had quickly smashed it down under their hoofs and knuckles.

The sound of hundreds of grunts made a stirring growl over the southern edge of the Ancient City, as the grunts watched Palab and the young grunt at his side. Most of the grunts were stationed on Dorenth, and only knew Palab by his reputation, they didn’t know much about him but they knew that he was their leader. Palab’s scent, his movement and even his size told them that he was a grunt to be feared and respected, and they showed it with barks of admiration. But even with their excited banter they watched every move Palab made closely. They were excited about seeing their king in action, but they were also learning the old ways of their ancestors; the fighting ability that had been long forgotten when the prophets and elites had forcefully pulled them into the Covenant.

Palab was too fast for young Migpap. Every time Migpap reached out to grab Palab he would simply roll out of the way or jump over him. Palab was awe inspiring to the other grunts; his reflexes were always sharp, his agility was top notch, his speed was unlike anything they had seen and his persona reflected the courage of a true leader.

Palab and Migpap continued to tussle as the other grunts watched eagerly, and after a few moments Migpap began to get tired; showing his lack of stamina and youth. Palab sighed in disapproval and waved his hand, ending the duel.

In basic Covenant tongue Palab commented, “You say you want to be at me side, but you not learn. Me show you again. It not speed, it foresight. You need to see what me do before me do it.” Palab turned to the watching grunts surrounding him and nodded toward them all. “We not big like elites, we small and we fast. We learn what elites teach us, but now we relearn what great ancestors knew. We fight with speed of ancestors and we think like elites.”

Palab then turned back to Migpap and saw that the young grunt had finally regained his breath, “Now we try again. You watch, you think, you see me move and you adjust. Be on the hunt, find you pray and outsmart it… or you starve.”

Migpap placed his knuckles on the ground and the other grunts whistled and barked in excitement; eager to see what Palab would do next. Migpap jumped at Palab in an attempt to tackle the grunt king. Palab dived to the side, stood up and grabbed Migpap’s tail. Migpap snarled in protest and try to pull himself free of Palab’s grip, but it was useless. Palab slapped Migpap on the back of the head. Migpap grabbed his head and began to frantically rub the pain away.

“Oww! What do that for, Palab?” Migpap protested as he forcefully tried to hide the pain bubbeling beneath his voice.

“You no listen!” Palab roared. His high pitched muffled voice echoed throughout the crowd and everyone fell silent. “If me brute or flood, you would be dead! Even dumb jackal could see you coming!”

Palab sat down and sighed in frustration. He understood that Migpap was young and had only seen combat briefly, but Palab was slowly beginning to understand that teaching the young grunts would take more time then the older more experienced grunts. “If you not learn, you die. We train now but if you not learn to fight soon, you die. Think before you act. If me can see what you do, me know how to stop you. Attack me when me least expect it.”

Palab stood back to his feet and began to slowly circle around Migpap. The mood had changed and every grunt watching could sense it. They no longer cheered, they simply watched. Palab hunkered down, keeping his chest low and his head up, ready to pounce in an instant. His hands pressed firmly into the soft dirt and grass, and his claws dug in for added traction. Everyone, including Migpap, was nervous. They had never seen a fellow grunt in an attack position like this.

“Me hunt you.” Palab barked. “Me catch you and me hurt you. Scared?” Migpap shuddered at the thought and nervously backed away and took his eyes off of Palab for a brief moment. “You not cower!” Palab lunged out and tackled Migpap. He rolled on top of the little grunt and forced his face into the crumbled grass. “You fight or you die!” The crowd of grunts could only watch, they dared to not interfere and the older grunts knew what Palab was doing.

Migpap had to learn to fight, his life depended on it. The days of grunts cowering in the corner were now behind them, and a change had to begin. Grunts had to fight as if they wanted to live, and if it meant dieing in combat, so be it. Tough love, anger, or self-preservation would be the only way for the young grunt to learn to fight back quickly. Death has away of making someone react instantly to danger.

Migpap cried out and rolled to his side, swinging his elbow wildly and hitting Palab. Palab blocked the slow attack and backed off of Migpap. The tiny grunt stood to his feet and repeated what he had just seen Palab do; he lowered his posture, kept his head up, dug his claws and hoofs into the sand and circled his prey. Palab was finally getting through to him, but sadly he had to do it the hard way; with fear.

Palab wanted to see what Migpap could do so he left the young grunt a clear opening. When Migpap stalked to his left, Palab turned to the right and exposed his back for a near second. Migpap was still slow, yet he reacted as best as he could. He dived at Palab and tackled him from behind. Palab rolled with the contact and Migpap couldn’t get a good hold on him. He tumbled off and slid to the side, but held his balance. Palab jumped clear and put a few feet between Migpap and himself, but Migpap quickly countered by sprinting, on all fours, toward Palab’s blind spot.

Palab sniffed the air, knowing full well that he had left himself open, and could smell Migpap approaching. He jumped into the air at the last minute and Migpap missed him completely. Palab landed on all fours and pinned Migpap on the ground. The young grunt struggled to get free, as terrified screams left his methane mask. Migpap was afraid that Palab was seriously going to kill him, but the more he struggled the more he realized that he couldn’t escape Palab’s grip.

With a none threatening tone, “Me not hurt you.” Palab let Migpap go and slowly backed away. The young grunt stood to his feet and sniffled as his regained his composure. Palab cautiously walked to his side. “Now you see and you understand.” Palab softly rubbed the top of the young grunt’s head and looked to the stunned grunts that had watched. “Me train you all, but me train Migpap first. He be my brother and me form new pack of disciples to train. First, me need eight more of you that ready to learn. I show you, and we train together.” Palab watched as several dozen grunts eagerly raised their hands in hopes of being trained in the old ways. He smiled happily in his mask and turned to look at Migpap.

“You first disciple, Migpap. Help me choose the rest of our pack.” Migpap smiled happily as the fears of his training quickly passed. He raised his head into Palab’s hand and embraced the brotherly bond they were now learning to share. But inside, he knew that there was a lot of hard training ahead, and very little time to learn it.

End

************
Notes: As you can see, very crucial to the advancement of Migpap, but as you can probably also see, it doesn't fit (roughly speaking) into the story. It comes to late in the plot of IIWYH and draws too much attention to a side character. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed it. Stage 27 is on schedule and should be up around noon Bungie time Friday.

-soulguard



[Edited on 12/5/2005]

  • 12.05.2005 10:58 AM PDT
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cool very good but i can see what you ment about it not fitting in it will probably fit in better in book one or three

  • 12.05.2005 1:35 PM PDT
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neat

  • 12.05.2005 2:06 PM PDT

He watches every Hodgetwin video they put up...on ALL their channels. He calls them the Hodge Triplets, and considers himself the 3rd triplet. He's started talking and acting like them now. Every other line out of his mouth "Thaaas some BULLLLLL**** maaayne" or "Gotta make dem gainzzzz". He calls his biceps "gains". When he eats post-workout, he talks to his biceps, "Don't worry gains, I'm feeding you. Daddys gonna feed you, gainz *kisses biceps*".

Teh 0wn, so to speak. That was good stuff, but I rather agree that it might have taken the reader's minds slightly off-track (it would have mine, that's for sure).

  • 12.05.2005 3:21 PM PDT