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  • Subject: Halo Fanfic: If I were your hero
Subject: Halo Fanfic: If I were your hero
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Damn you high land for saying what I would have said!

That was BLOODY BRILIANT!!!

  • 12.09.2005 12:32 PM PDT
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call me highland or brute or scot or highlander or whatever you want but plz don't put a space between high land like that its just freaky especially when an english man does it i mean you should know how its spelt ,,

and once again great story soul cant wait for the end , and i hope you do get these published id certinaly buy them

  • 12.09.2005 12:51 PM PDT

He watches every Hodgetwin video they put up...on ALL their channels. He calls them the Hodge Triplets, and considers himself the 3rd triplet. He's started talking and acting like them now. Every other line out of his mouth "Thaaas some BULLLLLL**** maaayne" or "Gotta make dem gainzzzz". He calls his biceps "gains". When he eats post-workout, he talks to his biceps, "Don't worry gains, I'm feeding you. Daddys gonna feed you, gainz *kisses biceps*".

Wow. That was terrific, but it seems that every chapter my hatred for Eric grows... Still can't wait for the last chapter (when hopefully Eric dies, *hint hint*)!

  • 12.09.2005 1:30 PM PDT
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  • 12.09.2005 2:53 PM PDT
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Epitomy of Brilliance

  • 12.09.2005 5:23 PM PDT
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No offence soul, but you can do better. You got the plot down well, but this isn't your best. It feels as if you rushed the chapter. I like to do that to with my story. Here is some advice: When you want to just get the chapter done and over with, reread everything you have done so far and see if you are going in the right direction, then take a brake. Some things like "melanie then had a sand shift happen by her" or whatever.

Try " As Melanie regained her breath, a strong wind spread across the battlefield, stirring up gusts and covering the dead in blankets of sand."

Other than that, you got a good plot, and you just need to work on the supportive details and try re reading from time to time so that you catch your mistakes. Also try to elaborate more on the envirenment, so the reader isn't lost in the story. Make them FEEL as is they are there.

  • 12.09.2005 9:32 PM PDT
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great chapter, shame to see that its coming to an end.
like what prirate said seemed like you did rush it, discribe things a bit more.

  • 12.09.2005 10:14 PM PDT
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Well, it seems I'm less late than with the last Stage. Review commencing:

The start was kind of awkward... I have never read the Bible (I've made various attempts at reading it, but the first few lines got me so bored I never bothered to read on) but wasn't the Garden of Eden the place where the Bible said all life started? You sort of let Halo blend in with Biblical stories... though now I have to wonder how Bitran became Gabriel. It's good to read, in a way, awkward, because spiritual things aren't really what I love, but it came across as good and real. It's contradicting almost every indication Bungie/Nylund gave us that the Ark is actually in the place where others say life started: Africa, but originality is your thing, soulguard, and you've proven it once again.

The battle in Egypt, I think, was good and bad. The action was really good, and the dialogue cut in between was right, but the descriptions were mostly left out. I can make my own image of what the Covenant camp the Marine company fought at looked like, but you didn't give us a description of what you thought of it, and when fast action is happening, it's really good to know where. And... being the tactics junk that I am, I thought ODST's armed with medium/long-range weapons rushing to meet Brutes head on a bit... Fantasy-ish. It's the sort of thing I would use when my main character would draw his sword and lead his Elven warriors into battle against the Demons. But here it seemed awkward...

Why? Because Eric Raynord is one of the most professional sons of -blam!-es in the entire UNSC, and he knows better than to start close quarters combat with Brutes. If the ODST's had bayonets fixed to their weapons, I might have understood, but the sort of attack you described was a bit... WWII-ish, where the last of bayonet-battles were fought. It was cool, but not the what I think Raynord would do. Of course you created the guy, so I'll just shut up now.

The rest was just fine. The Chief was a bit too human for his own good. Eric spoke to him as one of his own, which he isn't. Fine, Eric's a Black Op/Spartan but he still doesn't know who John-117 is and a seven-foot guy clad in sophisticated, heavy MJOLNIR armor isn't the type of guy who I'd buy a drink.

Other than that, great. Really, the sentence structure and plot building is growing, it's all evolving in this story, really well done, soulguard.

  • 12.10.2005 3:51 AM PDT
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Why the hell is it that you are always so damn complete in your reviews, Scorp? Damn it, now I've got nothing to say...

Just great stuff, soulguard, like Scorp mentioned, a bit awkward here and there, but you did just fine.

  • 12.10.2005 3:59 AM PDT

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Glad you all enjoyed it, and long time no see LE glad to 'see' you.

Like the good, there must be bad and I'm glad you are all seeing the 'bad' (or at least finally telling me about it LOL). As I expected, this stage was going to be the hardest to follow considering all the trouble I've had with wrapping up the story. My brain, it would seem, is so full of details about the characters that I managed to completely overlook certain things.

However the details with the battle (Eric and company stepping out) got lost in the descriptions as well, and it can seem very fantasy-ish, and totally unlike anything the Black Ops (or any sane troopers) would do. But my thinking on that was this: they had no "real" cover to defend from, their mission was to hold the zone no matter what, the jackhammers had caused enough confusion that Eric could reform a second line a few feet out from the heavy weapons (turret guns, scorpions and hogs). Essentially, Eric saw his life as forfeit:

Eric looked down the line, ignoring the plasma rounds that buzzed across his shoulder and watched as three marines buried their heads in the sand; as if that would help. He then looked to Rose and Melanie as they lay on their stomachs, gazing down the scopes of their BR55 rifles. Rose showed no sign of nervousness, unless she was hiding it, and Melanie was rolling two frag grenades in her left hand, anxious to face off against the covie bastards. More and more nervous screams rolled down the line as marines fired randomly at the wall of jackal shields.
...
“Fire at will!” Eric screamed at the top of his lungs. He stepped forward, beyond the edge of the constantly firing tanks, and let loose a triple burst of hot lead. The random marine fire turned into a constant onslaught of human firepower. Stationary turrets drummed their successive beats and sniper rounds snapped constantly. Eric hadn’t noticed it but he had taken four steps toward the covenant charge. “Meet them head on.” Eric thought to himself as he fired. He took another short step forward, lowering his height in a crouch walk, and out of the corner of his left eye he could see another camouflaged Black Op uniform stepping ahead of the line.
...
Eric yelled back as the Covenant forces closed in to twenty yards, “Marines, cover the turrets and tanks. ODST, step up and get some!” The roar that followed was deafening. One hundred and twenty ODST stepped out of line, leveled their guns and fired into the advancing wave of brutes and jackals. Their lives were forfeit, and if the legendary Eric Raynord was going to take on the Covenant, then so were they.


As you can see... yeah, out of the norm for basic military tactics but that also falls on my shoulders as not clearly explainning why... Eric in some way, wanted to create a second line to protect the heavy artillery, and give them more time. Advancing a few soldiers would be the only way and that second line did its job, thanks in most part to the Mirratord. Oh well, moving on.

As for Eric dieing... oh my, you never know. But again, there are things in the story that will be cleared up once I have the whole story in my lap and I can edit the hell out of it. For all of you that like the story now (even with all of its holes, GPS, confusion, and weak chapters) you'll be extremelly happy with the re-editted version.

Things that didn't make sense will be fixed or cut, sudden characters changes will be explained or cut, more of Eric and Kim's relationship will be brought forward, cut cut cut cut cut.... and some great additions! I have a few things in store, just as a special treat for you second time readers, but all of this will be mute if you don't like... stage 28.

Next week will bring things to an end, it will be sudden, it will be drastic, it will be... sad. Unlike uberdawg (lol) I have formed a huge bond with Eric and I'll hate to see him go (however that may be). I've actually set the mood for the last battle fairly well. Some of you may HIGHLY disslike the ending, but it is my story and I have to stick with the major premise of the title and conclude the main plot. The one thing I do want you all to think about is that this story has not only been about war, but about individuals in that war. It isn't all action and explosions (very unlike Halo, I know, sue me), it's about the characters... characters you will hate or love, and hopefully it isn't because I'm a bad writer (which I am), but becuase I created such rich characters that they take a life of there own.

Well, I could go on, but I've said much more then I need to . Thanks scorp, worstpirate, uber, MG42, LE, Highland, HaloX, Prowlaz and the rest of you. Before I started this, I never thought that I had any 'talent' at all. I have a lot of work to do before I can ever think to get published, but at leat I know that my form of story telling is enjoyable. Thanks guys and gals... keep the reviews coming.

-I'm getting emotional, so I'm going to get back in bed and continue to fight this cold I caught last night.

-soulguard

PS: Narnia is good... but.. well, I may have been too excited to see it. It was really good.

  • 12.10.2005 7:05 AM PDT
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Posted by: soulguard
Before I started this, I never thought that I had any 'talent' at all. I have a lot of work to do before I can ever think to get published, but at leat I know that my form of story telling is enjoyable. Thanks guys and gals... keep the reviews coming.

Let me tell you something: you don't need to do anything about your writing. All you need is an original story made by you (meaning: no fanfic) and some editing. I'm sure I'll see a book on the shelves of my local bookstore someday with the name ***** ***** on it. I think I know your name, but I won't be the one to stand up and yell it out to everyone.

My point is this: you will get a book published someday, somehow.

  • 12.10.2005 7:27 AM PDT
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OMFG and what more... GREAT... confusing sometimes, but great. Really soulguard, this is right up there with your best work. Just stunning and mind-boggling.

I have only one comment: if the ODST's went forward in that Fantasty-ish way of theirs to protect the armored vehicles... why not have those vehicles strike at the Covies and then have them to back off. That way you don't have to waste a whole company of infantry.....


Really overall well done and I'm with Scorp: you will get something published someday.

  • 12.10.2005 7:32 AM PDT
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Soul never thank me ok i can be a right bastard but ill always be attracted to GREAT fanfics and as a fan i can honestly say yours is one of them, i've been with you from the start of stand five feet high and i have to say your talent has GROWN immensly, the way you've developed the stories has almost turned on its head but you have learned and improved ,,

and what i say must be true otherwise how would you have gotten all these fans who liked your fanfic for what it was

anyway keep it up pm me when the next stage is out and also when the edited part is out , (i was reading it from start to now again yesturday on ff.net and i noticed millions of typos)

-BRUTE-


[Edited on 12/10/2005]

  • 12.10.2005 10:34 AM PDT
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Holly $hit man. You did it again. You left me wanting more (and almost having a heart attack). Loved how you described the last ODST.

  • 12.10.2005 11:03 AM PDT
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I just had a realization....The Ark might be hidden inside/under the Great Pyramid of Khufu in Giza, Egypt. While this wouldn't fit in with modern history it would explain how Bitran had about a 6? day walk back to the camp which I'm guessing is in the Kenya area. Also, for a Super-Soldier Reclaimer, traveling that distance from Egypt to Kenya in around a week shouldn't have been too difficult.

Also, the "deep crevice" that the Ark was hidden in when the men found it could have been boundary between the African and Southwest Asian (or Indian Ocean, I don't know) tectonic plates which have since formed the Red Sea between Africa and Arabia. This would be closer to the Kenya area camp and for Bitran could be a realistic 2 day trek. I hope I've unraveled the secret of where the Ark is hidden ;). hehe, much kudos to me if I'm right

Anyway...can't wait for the conclusion.

  • 12.10.2005 1:12 PM PDT
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im thinking more the red sea its closer and stands to reason it wouldn't always have been wet ,, but anyway im just gonna wait and see

  • 12.10.2005 2:06 PM PDT

He watches every Hodgetwin video they put up...on ALL their channels. He calls them the Hodge Triplets, and considers himself the 3rd triplet. He's started talking and acting like them now. Every other line out of his mouth "Thaaas some BULLLLLL**** maaayne" or "Gotta make dem gainzzzz". He calls his biceps "gains". When he eats post-workout, he talks to his biceps, "Don't worry gains, I'm feeding you. Daddys gonna feed you, gainz *kisses biceps*".

Soulguard, I know that some of what everyone's saying may sound harsh, but keep in mind that we're all trying to help. Perhaps it was a bit odd to have everyone charge the Brutes, but I know full well the temptation to do this. In my first fanfiction, A New War, you'll notice that there's a lot of hand to hand fighting. Why? Because of my lack of experience at writing, I prefer to have my characters engage the enemy at close quarters, where it's easier to write. See, it's easy to talk about how an Elite just killed that Brute with his plasma sword in a lightning fast fight than how the Elite concentrated covering fire on the left side of the enemy's formation then eventually killed the Brute almost indirectly with his carbine.

As humans, we have a rather all-or-nothing approach. It's tougher to write how one army defeats another army on a small-scale approach. It's less exciting, too. If the ODSTs charge the Brutes guns blazing, that rocks, it's hardcore, there's a big fight with blood flying and everything, right?

If the ODSTs slowly take down the Brutes shot-by-shot, it doesn't make for as good of a scene. The tendency to charge so that you won't have to put in as much detail (because once you get the reader's blood really pumping, they won't want as much detail as their imaginations will take over in their excitement). That's why, in my opinion, A New War's fight scenes were amateurish: it's dang hard to write out realistic fight scenes. Luckily, it's not particularly unrealistic to have Elites and Brutes duking it out, but still, it's not entirely representive of war.

Just work on it, and I'm sure it'll get easier eventually (I can't say that from experience, though, as I'm working on my next fanfiction it is HARD to write a fully realistic fight scene).




P.S. Everyone take it easy on Soulguard. Fight scenes are a LOT harder than they sound...

  • 12.10.2005 4:04 PM PDT
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Now that's something for every one to enjoy.

I'm a Pirate On a different Profile.

Ok, so all you f***ing b****es, What up? It's f***ing 1AM and I am bored as hell. Yo, just check out ebay, xbox 360's are f***ing $800 it's rediculous. :(

Ok, I'm bored...

I'll talk later...

Yah, I got a message, what's up?

I'll go find out...

-LATER-

  • 12.10.2005 10:16 PM PDT
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*sighs*

I've missed out on quite a lot, soulguard. I'm sorry, but I've been busy, and whenever I was on Scorptank drew all my attention. So... I shall try to redeem myself in your eyes.

Uh... nothing original for me to say, other than this: the last two Stages were splendid and the cut-out thing was a smart move, but the fighting scenes seemed awkward. You did a great job in the earlier stages, when Eric and Red Squad took that Covenant ship, but it seems as if you are deluded into thinking that every single fighting scene now has to be big... why, I ask you. The smaller ones are easier, and often much better on the mind of a reader. And they're just as dramatic as the large ones. I felt that the lack of military doctrine in the last stage was somewhat disappointing, but I'm not going to hammer on that since I'm no writer and as Uberdawg so smartly pointed out: fighting scenes are hard. To create the right balance between description and action is something every writer has to be careful with. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. Not to worry, soulguard, this was still great.

Wait... this wasn't original either... damn it.

[Edited on 12/11/2005]

  • 12.11.2005 3:40 AM PDT

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scorptank Thanks again for the support, scorp. I know it will happen (for you as well). My actual novel is being edited by a friend and will be done this weekend! We scheduled it so that I would finish IIWYH and then start the re-write to my novel. Gotta keep moving. lol.

Guilty Mark VIIThousands of possible situations popped into my mind. Oddly, this was the one I chose, and it played out well enough for what is to come.

Highland BruteHAHA. I did that as well about a month back. The first four stages are... horrible! lol. Some where up and down as for as GPS but I've also noticed the sligh improvement. GRAMMER is my weakness, and the one thing I work my hardest with. And sorry, brute, I know you can be a bastard at times but I will always be appreciative of those that give me a hand.

MC Spartan 219Glad you liked it MC. Hope things are going well with your project!

HLC 3Hmmm trying to stumble across the Ark's hidding place? good luck, I'm trying my hardest not to reveal anything. But those are some good guesses, but I like to think that Bungie will do a spin on the Garden of Eden. Who knows.

UberdawgIt's all good, actually. I find it great that you all appreciate my writing enough to read and critique. I may seem to come of as 'upset' that everyone is coming down on my latest stage, but really I'm not. I made a choice in doing something out of the norm and I'm sticking to that decision.

Writing action is very hard, especially the large battles, and I totally agree that they made for heart pumping scenes (which is what the conclusion is all about), and I think I pulled that off well. But something's were left out, even after reading it four times it happens. Things like why Eric stepped forward, why form a second line, why he felt that his life was forfeit, and why he lied to Rose... I'll let that last piece settle in your mind.

But anyway, thanks for the support. I take it all in stride... the good and the bad. And keep me posted on your next project. A PM would be great.

grunt pimpa OH MY!!

FirePrivateNo problem, glad you could find time to read it, scorptank keeps you all on a very short leash. lol. J/K

I have to agree, the storming of the Life and Sacrifice was the high point of the story. From there it was all down hill, but to be expected for a story based around character interactions. As far as the action scenes go, my favorite so far is still the Mirratord battle against the young watchmen. I still get moved at that scene.

EveryoneSorry if I came off as being offended by your comments, that wasn't it at all. My "Emotional" outburst was actually in a positive tone. Most of you could have read it, said it sucked, and not commented on why you didn't like it. I appreciate the critiques greatly!! Keep them coming...

-soulguard

  • 12.11.2005 6:50 AM PDT
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LOL yeah, Scorp keeps us on a very tight leash indeed. He never lets me do more than use the bathroom, LOL.

And I agree the Mirratord vs. Watchmen was really, really sad. Something inside of me broke then, and I never managed to fix it. But the storming of the Life and Sacrifice was the very pinnacle of your story, the rest didn't go downhill, you're just so good at those guerrilla-like fights that everything else seemed less but wasn't.

  • 12.11.2005 7:22 AM PDT
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Posted by: soulguard
No problem, glad you could find time to read it, scorptank keeps you all on a very short leash. lol. J/K

I shall deny everything!!! By the way, FirePrivate... SIT! LOL.

I agree that the storming of the Life and Sacrifice was the best part in the story (and that's saying a lot) and the Mirratord vs. Watchmen was the most emotional bit, but the rest was all just as good. If you want to get something published, I suuggest you write something with lots of guerrilla fights, emotional parts and the superb plotting you do. That'll make you, like, as rich as Paolini.

  • 12.11.2005 7:26 AM PDT
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hey there are worsebooks than this on the market right now so i say get in with em and make money id buy your books

  • 12.11.2005 11:04 AM PDT

He watches every Hodgetwin video they put up...on ALL their channels. He calls them the Hodge Triplets, and considers himself the 3rd triplet. He's started talking and acting like them now. Every other line out of his mouth "Thaaas some BULLLLLL**** maaayne" or "Gotta make dem gainzzzz". He calls his biceps "gains". When he eats post-workout, he talks to his biceps, "Don't worry gains, I'm feeding you. Daddys gonna feed you, gainz *kisses biceps*".

Posted by: soulguard

Uberdawg

It's all good, actually. I find it great that you all appreciate my writing enough to read and critique. I may seem to come of as 'upset' that everyone is coming down on my latest stage, but really I'm not. I made a choice in doing something out of the norm and I'm sticking to that decision.

Writing action is very hard, especially the large battles, and I totally agree that they made for heart pumping scenes (which is what the conclusion is all about), and I think I pulled that off well. But something's were left out, even after reading it four times it happens. Things like why Eric stepped forward, why form a second line, why he felt that his life was forfeit, and why he lied to Rose... I'll let that last piece settle in your mind.

But anyway, thanks for the support. I take it all in stride... the good and the bad. And keep me posted on your next project. A PM would be great.


Alright, cool. I re-read my post and I apologize... I had a lot to say, both negative and positive, but somehow my post became confusing and most of the negative stuff stayed, minus the positive stuff (which was a majority, originally). Sorry about that. Sometimes I've got trouble putting my exact thoughts down properly, especially when I am put out (which I was, that people were being so critical of you).

What I meant is that I can't blame you for doing that close-quarters action, because I did the same thing in A New War, and your scene was even harder to write! You wrote a TERRIFIC chapter, far better than I could've mustered, and it is my opinion that people are being too harsh on you.

You can expect a PM regarding the standing of my next fanfiction soon...

  • 12.11.2005 5:15 PM PDT