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This topic has moved here: Poll [5 votes]: Does it suck? You decide.
  • Poll [5 votes]: Does it suck? You decide.
Subject: My first try and it probabely sucks.
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Poll: Does it suck? You decide.  [closed]
Great.:  20%
(1 Votes)
Good.:  0%
(0 Votes)
I don't know.:  0%
(0 Votes)
Needs some work.:  0%
(0 Votes)
Needs a lot of work.:  20%
(1 Votes)
Crappy:  0%
(0 Votes)
Bad.:  0%
(0 Votes)
Horrible.:  60%
(3 Votes)
Total Votes: 5

I got bored one day and decided to type this, it is'nt all of it but it is a chapter. Probabely sucks but oh well you decide.
Now remember this is just the dialog to my book, not the actual format of which the book will be put together.Each line of dialog is in the book but will be more fitted for a good read. It's more than likely that I will end up changing the Elites dialog, it just does'nt fit them right now.
Chapter 1 (Wake Up Call)
4/12/2565, Cryo room 475 of U.N.S.C. frigate Forward Unto Dawn.
(Cortana deactivates John's cryo pod adn pops the pins opening the pod.)
Cortana: Wake up John, I have a signal! It's Particula Justice, they are on their way!
John: Ugh, Cortana?
Cortana: Yes it's me, John are you okay?
John: Yeah I'm fine, how long have I been out?
Cortana: Twelve years John, twelve years floating on this wreck in the middle of space.
John: Well those twelve years have passed, so who or what is Particular Justice and when do they get here?
Cortana: Particular Justice is an Elite capital ship, I recently got a hold of them so it might take a while. I'll try to recontact them hold on.
John: Elites, why not the U.N.S.C.?
Cortana: I'm not exactly sure, I was thinking the same thing. Hold on.... I'm picking up a transmissionfrom Justice......
Ship Master: This is R'Tass Vadumee we have visual confermation of your position. Meet up with my Elites in the... or what is left of awns cargo hold. We are dispatching a drop ship to your position. Do you understand? Oh and please do try to hurry, we hav'nt much time.
Cortana: Yes we understand , thank you. Okay John you heard them , let's get going. Yank me Chief.
(John takes the Cortana chip out of Dawn and sticks it in the back of his head.)
John: Okay your in.
Cortana Ok the ship will arrive in...5..4..3..2..1..'(The low sound of an Elite drop ships engine's humms through the shell of the severed frigate) Okay there they are let's go home!
(John cautiousely runs toward the drop ship)
Elite Troop: Master Chief come we must hurry, were short on time here. Arbiter will debrief you on whats happened since you were seperated, it's not a good situation.
John: Hugh...okay.
Cortana: Hmm... I wonder.
Elite Troop: Well I'm guessing you and Cortana want to find out whats been going on, so we best be on our way. (Drop ship takes off of Dawn towards Particular Justice, drop ship lands in Justice's cargo hold and John is escorted to the bridge entrance.)
Elite Honor Guard: Arbiter they are here and anxious to talk to you about ... the incident.
Circa: Then bring them in, we've much to discuss.
Elite Honor Guard: Yes your honor. Here thay are. (Elite troops escort the Master Chief into the bridge.)
Circa: Well long time no see, it's nice to see you again. May Cortana join us? You can place her on that holo-station if she wants.
Cortana: Go ahead John, I want to talk as well.
John: Okay. (John puts the Cortana chip in the holo-station). End of chapter one.
To be continued. I will add another chapter to this thread everyweek, so stay tuned.

Pardon the grammer it will be fixed, but not at this second.

  • 06.03.2009 5:33 PM PDT
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It doesnt suck, cuz everyon has thought of some way they find M.C. But maybe im wrong but dont AI's have a 7 year lifespan, so if something happens they cant live forever. Anyway Thans all

  • 06.03.2009 5:54 PM PDT

Forever there shall be war, thus forever we shall fight...

Well, this falls hideously flat. Asides from a major rewrite, the first major change you can do is actually write a story. You have written a script, not too mention, created far too much dialogue. Definitely go over the books once or thrice. It will improve your ability to describe all things Halo and create dialogue for the Chief.

  • 06.03.2009 6:03 PM PDT

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You need to work on this quite a bit if you want to succeed as a writer. First off, you should submit something for observation by the population without first removing grammar and spelling mistakes. It simply makes it look sloppy and less professional.

Next, I would write following the standard methods of English writing, meaning that each character's speech is divided into separate paragraphs and their names aren't listed in the fashion you committed to. Unless of course you're attempting to make a play in which case it is acceptable. However, from the looks of it, that isnt the case. It is important to also provide some emotion to your characters outside of dialogue. Right now, you haven't described Cortana or the Chief at all. Everything is dialogue and that makes for poor pacing. Furthermore, the introduction just isn't overly grabbing.

Now, perhaps you have an amazing script written out and perhaps you don't. In terms of the plot line established, its a run of the mill introduction. Its sufficient in terms of development. As far as later elements, I hope it isn't a cliche filled plot that ends up merely repeating previous concepts and instead opens up something new and unexplored while still adhering to the universe its in. Hopefully it draws on multiple sources yet retains its own identity and fits the continuity.

Thats all I have to say on the matter and I wish you the best of luck in future writing endeavors. Again, those are just my opinions. You have to always remain true to yourself and your writing has to reflect your being, but I hope you take some of my criticisms to heart and spruce some things up.

  • 06.03.2009 8:02 PM PDT