- PainedHope13
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- Veteran Legendary Member
- gamertag: rex131
- user homepage:
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Good day. I'm an active and fairly enthusiastic member of the Bungie fan-base and pride myself on many qualities. If you want to send me a PM, go right ahead. No I won't spam your inbox with group invites, I will respond in the best way possible. Thank you, and as I had opened, I'll close - good day.
Rex131, PHaNToM1325, TheKiNG1325, TheRoadrunner13, PainedHope13
Not bad; I like the story. So far, I only read the prologue, and it could use some slight editing. Just one thing for example would be in this clause "He gave nothing away when spoke too, thought Doctor Catherine Halsey..." to take out the "too". I like the sort of battering listing off of this man's qualities, and this takes away from the effect. Also, if you want, you could italicize/quote the "He gave nothing away when he spoke", and personalize the thought a bit, which might add to your limited omniscient effect. However, on a different side, I really liked some of the words you used - e.g. "devoid".