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  • Subject: Feet first into a Nightmare..
Subject: Feet first into a Nightmare..
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Writer's Corner
6/15/2011 11:39 PM: bobcast [2597260] issued a 3 day ban expiring on 6/18/2011 11:39 PM.
Reason: A Bungie.net Forum Moderator has banned you for violating the code of conduct and/or rules of the forum in the thread below
http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=61704535
Inappropriate. Went a little to far with the butt hole tearing.

It's not completely terrible, but you should revise it. There are lots of errors.

  • 06.25.2009 10:43 PM PDT

Wow, great read! You should write more of these. ^_^

  • 06.25.2009 10:44 PM PDT
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No John, you ARE the demons.

And then the Sergeant was a zombie.

  • 06.25.2009 10:45 PM PDT
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**MH SpARtan 3**

Just did.

  • 06.25.2009 10:49 PM PDT
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Each of us is entitled to our own opinions on music. There is ignorant rap and then there is intellectual rap, just as there is ignorant rock and intellectual rock. Even the "ignorant" artists can sometimes be intellectuals, and even the "intellectuals" can be ignorant. The worst thing you can do is be a bigot about music. If it doesn't have any affect on you, then listen to something else. But don't insult someone because their choice in music is not your own. THAT is ignorant.

Fix the Sargents name it sounds like a -blam!- up way to spell Cortana. Wait whos Catren?

[Edited on 06.25.2009 10:53 PM PDT]

  • 06.25.2009 10:52 PM PDT

-blam!- GTFO OF MY SIGNATURE

I do not like it. Sorry.

The characters have strange names and the story is too fast paced. Also, your style of writing is not good.

  • 06.25.2009 10:52 PM PDT
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**MH SpARtan 3**

Uhh, you spell "Sergeant" like that. Enjoy the story.

  • 06.25.2009 10:53 PM PDT
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Each of us is entitled to our own opinions on music. There is ignorant rap and then there is intellectual rap, just as there is ignorant rock and intellectual rock. Even the "ignorant" artists can sometimes be intellectuals, and even the "intellectuals" can be ignorant. The worst thing you can do is be a bigot about music. If it doesn't have any affect on you, then listen to something else. But don't insult someone because their choice in music is not your own. THAT is ignorant.

Posted by: MH SpARtan 3
Uhh, you spell "Sergeant" like that. Enjoy the story.
I can't spell for anithing but Im not the one writing stories fix the dude's names please its an o.k story

  • 06.25.2009 10:55 PM PDT

I am a forum shark.

creepy, i would like to see this turned into a horror short.

  • 06.25.2009 10:55 PM PDT

I am a forum shark.

make more.....

  • 06.25.2009 10:58 PM PDT
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**MH SpARtan 3**

Theres a period after Sergeant, its not Sergeant Smitty XD. the Sarge and Smitty are two different characters lol.

  • 06.25.2009 10:59 PM PDT

Bungie.net is the place to be!

Amidst the snowfall, the cold does little to diminish his wishes to be free. The eagle is chained and has no way of breaking free. No matter how much he flies, he still is chained. The blizzards do nothing to break his determination and in his eyes, he will be freed, someday...

Bad habits are like chains that are too light to feel until they are too heavy to carry

That was pretty good. The names are a bit iffy but you can always change 'em :)

  • 06.25.2009 10:59 PM PDT

Relic Conspiracy Theory!

Posted by: JAVA2
If it wasn't for your ass, Titan, I'd never talk to you.


If doubt is thought, and thought is life, then I think I doubt that I'm alive.

You know what, honestly that was way better than I had expected.

Granted you have a lot of work to do on subtlety and pacing in your story to get for a really good horror feel to it, and the grammer and use of words needs a very good tweak, but the actual story is so original and clever that it is still fairly good regardless. I'd say you really have something special on your hands here dude. Please take a couple of years to really refine this story, and you'll make it into an incredibly fantastic read!

Another thing; In regards to subtlety and pacing, specifically change the line "Or so he thought." That kind of literary device isn't found in good literature for a reason, because it's played out and in turn stabs subtlety in the back with a very large, very rusted axe. A good replacement might be if you tried to make readers know that it isn't quite clear what the 4 marks on the helmet are for, and that the guess with the 'Fourth Place in Rifle Training' while a good explanation, still feels somewhat 'off' to the character. Or you could just remove any explanation of why the Four Marks are there at all and just allow readers to find out on their own in the end when Five Marks are on the helmet. This is of course your book, and you can do whatever you want to it, but I really feel a change like this would really increase the value and feel to your story.

[Edited on 06.25.2009 11:08 PM PDT]

  • 06.25.2009 11:03 PM PDT
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**MH SpARtan 3**

Lol, I made this in five minutes.

Edit: More or less, I was watching TV.

[Edited on 06.25.2009 11:10 PM PDT]

  • 06.25.2009 11:06 PM PDT

I never sleep, 'cause sleep is the cousin of death.

I didn't understand it. Is the helmet cursed or something?

  • 06.25.2009 11:13 PM PDT
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**MH SpARtan 3**

No, the tally marks represents Cartrans murders.

  • 06.25.2009 11:19 PM PDT

I'll make you suffer a TKO from OTK if you don't join

Posted by: MH SpARtan 3
No, the tally marks represents Cartrans murders.


Holy Crap!! Good story nonetheless.

  • 06.26.2009 12:40 AM PDT

nice ODST reference in the title

  • 06.26.2009 12:42 AM PDT
Subject: Feet first into a Nightmare..
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**MH SpARtan 3**

My First story, so don't point out every mistake. I'll do my best to do better next time and to correct, want me to go to your post and criticize? No? Ok then.



"We are dropping hard soon Troopers!", said the Sergeant. Smitty, a new recruit in the ever so popular 105th Drop Battalion was excited, and thrilled. "200 simulated Drops!" said a unknown trooper, it reminded of Smitty's time when he did his simulations.

He came to reality when Cartran, one of Smitty's friends he met, shoved his helmet into his chest. "Ow man, careful..", "Your wearing that armor, and you still feel it?", "Well yeah, but it was more of a reaction, though..", "Uh hu.., get prepped soon." said Cartran as his visor polarized.

Smitty look at his helmet, only it wasn't his helmet, it had 4 red tally marks to the right of the visor. Hmmm, he thought, he must of marked it up for me, he thought again. He remembered he came in 4th place in the Rifle Training competition before shipping out, so he thought it fit well, or... so he thought.

Smitty and Cartran SOEIV pods were right next to each other. As the pod closed, Smitty gave a thumbs up to Cartran, but Cartran looked away from him. He patched through Cartrans Visual screen, but got "no signal". As each pod dropped, he shut his eyes.. and felt his insides thrust up.. he was dropping towards Earth. He gritted for a few seconds, trying to stay to much blood going to his head as the pod adjusted its gravity. As Smitty fell, he noticed he was drifting off course... way off course. He tried to use the joysticks to come back to course. The Sergeants Visual came up, "Taking a Vacation? Get Ba---" but it was cut off. Smitty started to get worried.

As he activated his beacon, Smitty did what he was told to do, pray the chute opens.

Lapse 4 hours.

Smitty woke up, dizzy, but alive, he was still in the pod. As his VISR came back online, he noticed that he was in range of Cartrans pod. As Smitty was about to bust the pod open, he saw a bloody hand slam against the window slit. As it slid off, Smitty tried to unlatch his rifle, to no avail, it was to big inside, he finally got his M6C pistol out. "Cartran, I know I'm in rage, I need help, Now!" but Cartran didn't respond.... for the hand spelled "your turn" crudely over the slit. "You sick Son of a---", then he fired round after round until his magnum ran out. Just then, he accidentally hit the eject button and the pod burst open.

"O crap....", and was pulled out into the mist.

At base camp

The Sergeant went through the lines of battle weary men as he walked through the soaked, rainy trench he and his men made just a few hours ago to hold off the Covenant. He lost a few of his best.... but he was ready to take on the full onslaught of the Covenant.

As he neared towards the end, he saw "Cartran" by himself. "You alright son?", "Just fine, Sarge." Just when the Sarge was about to turn around, Cartran held up the helmet with the 4 tally marks... only this time... there was 5. "Give it to someone who lost one....", he said.


Cartran smiled as the helmet polarized..


[Edited on 06.25.2009 10:55 PM PDT]

  • 06.25.2009 10:38 PM PDT
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don't go back to that place

Posted by: therepinedeluxe
I like men.
Yes, yes you do...

  • 06.26.2009 12:43 AM PDT