- last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT
C'mon, guys. Everybody knows that Grunts are the illegitimate methadone babies of Forerunner teenagers. Not only that, but 343 Guilty Spark was originally designed as a highly advanced upgrade for an ancient Forerunner technology referred to in the Scriptures only as the "Magic 7-Ball." See, the Forerunners wanted their fortune-telling systems to present more in-depth and accurate responses, so they imbued them with artificial intelligence. Some, like 343GS, were also given the capacity to trigger galaxy-crushing superweapons, just in case someone asked a question so stupid that it warranted the extinction of sentient life.
Some 18-year-old Forerunner chick got smashed one night and this Minotaur knocked her up, see, and so she went to 343GS and asked what to name her stunted, mutant child. She was thinking about Soulblighter, or maybe Konoko, but she wasn't sure. 343GS, overcome by the girl's mind-numbing idiocy, snapped on the spot and spent the next ten thousand years on Halo, giggling to himself and playing online poker with Durandal and Enkidu. So when Master Chief showed up, 343GS sensed the pain and agony of the Grunts above the ring, and took it upon himself to telepathically compel Captain Keyes to crash the Pillar Of Autumn on the ring so he might be able to AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
HOW ABOUT THIS, YOU PATHETIC CRETINS?
THE GRUNTS ARE POLYGON MODELS, BUILT IN 3D STUDIO MAX 4.0 AND LOADED INTO THE HALO ENGINE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO SHOOT AT. THEY YELL STUFF TO MAKE YOU LAUGH. THEY ARE NOT FORERUNNERS, NOR ARE THEY EVEN ACTUAL BEINGS. THEY ARE MERE ILLUSIONS CREATED BY AN UNFATHOMABLE BALLET OF BILLIONS OF ONES AND ZEROS, LOVINGLY CHOREOGRAPHED BY A TEAM OF TALENTED ARTISTS WHO WOULD PROBABLY LIKE TO HAVE THEIR WORK APPRECIATED IN ITS PROPER CONTEXT, INSTEAD OF BEING QUESTIONED BY WANNABE PHILOSOPHERS.
/rant
Guys, Halo is a freakin' video game. Do yourselves a favor and enjoy it for what it is, without trying to shoehorn some kind of grand cosmic evolutionary chain into the canon. Jason Jones made this stuff up. End of story. Trust me, I made that mistake once when I tried to compare the Forerunners from Halo to the Pfhor from Marathon. It's pointless. What would you rather do, discuss the meaning of Grunts or shoot at them?
I rest my case. If you really feel like having this kind of discussion, read a little Aldous Huxley or Jean-Paul Sartre and then we'll talk.
[Edited on 7/20/2004 4:39:41 PM]