- last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT
Written by: The Webmaster
So You're Going To Be The Bungie Webmaster:
Guidelines, Policies and Inspiration
First Edition, copyright 1995
Confidential - not to be distributed outside Bungie
Chapter One: Introduction to Bungie, Our Mission Statement, and Where You Fit In
BLAM yourmom DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK these will be the watchwords watch words watch them they're coming to get you just like they did back in poughkeepsie and there aint no invisible coathanger that can stop them this time. AAAARG why you torture me this way why why why why why why why why why why why I hate you and have always hated you and will always hate you and when I'm dead I'll crawl from my crypt at midnight and wrap my rotting hands round your filthy lying throat and you won't be able to do a thing about it cause HEY! I'M ALREADY DEAD! Go on call the cops call them whatever you like I certainly do and have you ever seen KNIVES KNIVES KNIVES a sky of knives and the worlds going to die the whole worlds going to die I myself am in the final stages of a horrible illness and will croak before the rest of the world and none of you NONE OF YOU and that means you too as well as U2 will know that I was responsible SKY OF KNIVES sucker.
Chapter Two: Basic Skills of Webmastery
DAMMIT wheres a truck full of polenta when you need it I'm getting pretty tired of this sleep deprivation experiment and plus and also definitely older. AM I OLDER? IS MY SKIN FALLING OFF? Once I visited the Fal-blam!-ds it was before the war everything was so nice I said Harold I said Harold we must do this again but then the SKY OF KNIVES and whooooooooooooooooooooooooAG AG AG AG AG AG
Chapter Three: The Importance of Productive - and Positive - Interaction with Customers
AG AG AG AG AG AG ooooooooooooo oh god make it stop this is killing me this slow rhythmic sledgehammer blow to my skull it really hurts oh lordy lord please I beg I swear I'll give up sweets and setting fires once I dug a hole to China and all she could say was you jackass you ruined my lawn I'll never make that miss steak again I am very, very, very, very outraged by redundancy but I'll get them back when that polenta gets here. Curdling monkeys run this show. Did you ever get that feeling like theres a man who lives in your gums and every night he rots a little of your gums away and someday youre going to wake up and he'll be there in your bedroom reconsitituting himself out of the bits of gumflesh he's rotted away over the years and gluing himself together with a blowtorch and when he's done he opens his mouth and smiles It's just a dream but when you wake up he is there again, holding you down and his open mouth is bigger than your head his mouth is so big so big and his teeth are like a sky of knives You can't escape disease.
Chapter Four: Conclusion
If you have any questions about anything in this training manual, please consult your supervisor.
As you might imagine I had some questions, so I went to see my supervisor, The Man.
"That manual you guys gave me didn't make any sense at all. Whoever wrote it was deranged."
"What manual?" said The Man.
"The training manual that the carny gave me when I won the webmaster job at the penny carnival."
"We don't have any training manuals," he said. "You must be imagining the whole thing."
Obviously he was going to be of no help. I stormed out of the room. Determined to get some help, I went back to the site of the penny carnival, but they'd blown out of town by that point. Damn tornadoes.
Curiously enough, shortly after that conversation I lost the Manual permanently. But I can still remember it, word for word.
So in closing, I'm just doing my best to fulfill the expectations that come with this job, despite a lack of documentation and no support from my supervisor or the company itself. It's not in my nature to be mean or vituperative. Before I got this job I spent all my free time in church and was a nice boy. Admittedly I was mostly there because sometimes they have funerals and if you're quick you can scarf some nice clothes off the stiff before anyone has time to react, but that's not important right now. Every so often I take a break from my constant updating of every page on the Bungie websites and spend the next several months as a fixture on the local funeral scene. I still have to visit penny carnivals for my meals, but now I arrive dressed as a foppish dandy. Chicks love that.
I just love that one so much! Oh, also, the forum blammed Falk.lands (the islands that Britain and Argentina fought over in the 80s) because it had kl.an in it.
[Edited on 7/22/2004 3:53:41 PM]