- last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT
In an unexpected turn of events, an employee of N!ntendo, Inc. was found mute today in the back alley of a California suburb. While authorities are still investigating, they have released preliminary information that indicates the man was shot with a poisonous dart that was believed to have originated somewhere in Central Asia.
Dr. Ziestacher, a Professor at UC Berkeley has studied neurotoxins for the last 15 years of his career as the head of the biochemical epidemiology department. Ziestacher has indicated that a toxin such as this has not been used for centuries. The toxins had it origins with a small group of Ninjas and has recently resurfaced within the last few months.
In fact, last month, a Micro$oft employee was found mute with the same toxins in his blood. "This is a very fast-acting toxin; victims usually never feel the dart hitting them," says Ziestacher. "No doubt in my mind - this was the work of forum ninjas."
Authorities are currently investigating whether the two mutings may be linked. "Well, it's like - duh they're linked. But we can't get anything done right now - all the computers at the Station have been on the fritz," says Police Chief Warren Felton. "We've asked the FBI for help, but they're so tight lipped about it - like they don't even want us to be checking into it..."
N!ntendo, Inc. has declined to comment on the muting of its employee, but allegations have been made against the company, saying that N!ntendo was somehow involved. Investigators have uncovered a letter in the victim's safe deposit box. A hand-written letter indicated that the man felt his life was in danger. The note also had the following letters scrawled on it:
H2PC = N!N
Conspiracy Theory Blogger Kurt Veritas has his own theories. "Yeah, man - we all kind of figured this was coming. I mean with all the backlash over Gearb0x's feeble port of HPC, we all knew Bung!3 would go with somebody else the next time around - but N!ntendo? C'mon!" Veritas's site has surged with visitors over the past week. "I had to get 3 more servers just to handle the volume of bandwidth - it seems like most people think we're onto something here."
A verified source, who wishes to remain anonymous for reasons of personal safety has leaked that Veritas's theories are very close to the truth. "I'm really not worried about it - I am a master at the nunchakus," shrugs Veritas when questioned as to whether he fears for his safety.
In an effort to redirect some of the negative attention these events have brought, the software company, Bung!3 has announced that H4lo 3 will be released in two months for the N!ntendo DS. Fans have reacted overwhemingly. Riots broke out in Orlando where the news conference was held.
Critics have made dire predictions about the announcement. One gamer, Mitch Hebert is very pessimistic. "It's like - how do they expect anyone to play if they make us verify that we're 17 or get a parent to verify it's ok for us to play? The new age verification system is just so stupid... I don't think I'll bother - I have principles, you know..." Indeed, Bung!3's stock posted only modest gains after the announcement was made and investors are standing vigilantly as they assess the future of the two companies.
Sony spokesperson Hi Nee released the following statement concerning the recent developments between N!ntendo, Micro$oft, and Bung!3 -- "Pwned".
A little dry, I guess, but I enjoyed writing it. I get to be a N every now and then too, ya know...
All of the events, characters, and companies used in this story are fictional. Any relation to other people, companies, or entities in real-life or virtual reality is purely coincidental.
[Edited on 6/16/2005]