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  • Subject: [Story] The Spartan 1 Project (An ODST adventure)
Subject: [Story] The Spartan 1 Project (An ODST adventure)
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Prologue: Arrival on Orion
"Do a systems check," said Commander Brian. "Roger that. All power is down. We are off the radar," replied one of his officers on deck. The UNSC Flagship Spearhead quietly cruised past around the planet Orion. It's immense size was only comparable to its firepower; capable of ripping through a Covenant battleship's shield in seconds. Escorting the flagship were two frigates; The Annihilator and the Rings of Saturn, shortened by crew members to ROS. When traveling along side the massive black hull of the Spearhead, it seemed as if they were tiny specks in the far reaches of space. Orion silently loomed closer to the ships. "Commander, multiple anomalies detected." "Send an unmanned ship, see what we can find. I want a direct feed." "Done commander."
Across the center display in the control room, was several panels that indicated course of direction and other navigational features. Immediately, they were overwritten with a type of encoding:
>>[UNMANNED CRAFT 1] Link Established.
>[WARNING] Anomaly detected
>[WARNING] Anomaly Detected
>[WARNING]Rupture detected
>>[NOTICE] Video feed establshied
>MULTIPLE RUPTUIRES DETECTED
>>SCAN ENGAGED
>.
>.
>..
>.
>[WARNING] Multiple Non UNSC Marked Vessels inbound
>[WARNING] Impact imminent
>..~
From the video feed established just a few moments ago, Commander Brian could clearly see what had happened. Multiple Slipspace portals opened, from which large maroon shadows begin to protrude, illuminating the dark reaches of space with their brightly colored hull. Scans showed they were Covenant Battleships, something the frigates might break a sweat for, but now the Spearhead. "Prepare the weapons." "Mac cannons and archer missiles ready and armed Commander." "Wait for my mark." Something caught the Commander's attention though. Something wasn't right. Things just didn't seem to add up. This feeling was answered quickly enough. For another Slipspace portal emerged, and through its opening, came something UNSC captains and commander's hoped to never have the displeasure to witness. It was a Covenant flahship, known as the Eruptor.
He had to think quickly. There wasn't going to be much to do if they ran out of arms against that ship. Nor could they take many hits from hit. The frigates wouldn't stand a chance either. It was like a large game of chess. His opponent had a queen and two bishops, while he was stuck with a king and two pawns. How to take those battleships out without diverting firepower from the Spearhead? He found an answer.
"Evacuate the Annihilator" "Excuse me commander?" "Proceed with an evacuation, arm all weapon on the Annihilator and make sure they are ready to be detonated through remote activation once everyone leaves the ship." "Aye aye Commander."
Through the looking glass on the bridge, he could see Pelicans, Hornets, and Drop Pods all leaving the Annihilator. Within a matter of minutes, the ship was empty. "Remotely set a collision course with one of those Covenant frigates. We are going to take one of the bastards out." The Annihilator onboard system complied. However, the Covenant seemed to become wise of their plan, and so they began to open fire on the Annihilator. The ship was taking massive blows, and it was good thing the occupants had been evacuated. A blip showed up on the Commander's Screen. Good, the residents of the Annihilator had set up a rally point and were transmitting its location. "Get the Annihilator some cover! Open fire from the ROS!"
The Rings of Saturn began unleashing its force upon the other Covenant battleship and Flagship. Although they took little to no damage, it did provide a momentary distraction. Commander Brian stared at the screen intently, until he saw that the Annihilator was next to the Covenant battleship. "Prepare to detonate all explosives with 60 seconds." A small counter appeared on the screen. However, something flashed in the corner of the Captain's eye. A florescent green light began to fill his view, until there was an intensive flash. A massive plasma beam began ripping through space, heading directly toward the Rings of Saturn. "What are they doing?!" A massive crack was heard, and the green ray of light ripped straight through the center of the Ring of Saturn's hull. Even from the Spearhead, one could witness the emptiness of space ripping apart the Saturn, as the pressure began to suck everything outside the ship. Below, 3 pelicans were seen leaving the hangar to the quiet planet below. The top and bottom slender connections of the Rings of Saturn began to fall apart, splitting the ship into two, where it began to enter the atmosphere of Orion, hurtling toward the surface at immeasurable speeds. "Disarm the charges, now!" yelled the Commander. "Sir, it is impossible at this point. The countdown has reached its final stages!" replied the crew member. The Annihilator quietly loomed over the Covenant Battleship. It began to drift toward the enemy vessel until the surfaces were barely untouched. A flash blinded the Commander's vision for a few seconds. There was debris scattered everywhere, and the Annihilator was gone. Fortunately, so was the Covenant battleship. "Orders, Commander?" Send all my primary squads down to Orion. Lets show these alien bastards what happens when you piss off humanity."

  • 09.23.2009 6:43 PM PDT
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Chapter 1: Alpha Squad
Alpha Squad-Full (Chapter 1)
[Flex]-Leader
[Jon]-Heavy Weapon Specialist
[Bearman]-Private
[Mr.V]-Medic
There was an eerie feeling about the room. Flex looked around. Jon was playing cards with Mr.V, while Bearman sat in the corner of the room, his MA5B rifle sitting next to him. Seeing the gun made Flex feel aware of the gun that was on his back. Jon was the most heavily armed in, wielding the Rocket launcher and a Spartan laser in his arsenal. He was ready to take on anything the Covenant could through at him that was big, mean, and downright annoying. Mr.V didn't really talk much, he had a kind of focused look always implanted directly on his face. His only weapon was a pistol, but he was one sonofgun with it. Flex had seen him take out an enemy at sniper range with it. Something inside of Flex told him to look outside the window. The Rings of Saturn came into view. It was stunning sight, to see the ship cruising along the edge of Orion. What took away from that view, was that Covenant ships were rumored to be about, but with this angled view, there was no way to be sure.

He was about to turn away from the window when something caught his eye. A dazzling green light skipped about through the canvas of space, illuminating the dark picture with a flowing green radiance. The beam lost its majesty, when without warning it drove through the center of the Rings of Saturn's hull, causing wanton destruction and mayhem on the sip. He began to see personnel being sucked out into the vacuum of space, their lives ended in a most horrible manor. Flex frowned. He had seen these space battles in this war before, but every time he saw a fellow soldier die, he could only think of how helpless they must feel. There was nothing they could have done to prevent their horrible fate. It only relied on luck. Just luck. An alarm to wake all resting personnel began ringing through the ship. On the intercom, was Commander Brain's voice. "I want all my men down-there pronto. You saw what the Covenant just did. Lets show them we mean business."

Alpha Squad quickly dropped what they were doing, and began to run to the armory, where they would be outfitted, then the hangar, where they would begin their descent into Orion. As they arrived to the armory, the area was packed with soldiers grabbing weapons like second nature to them, each having their own preference. The group retrieved ammunition for their weapons, as well as a supply of grenades. It was Jon of course who decided to mention, "Maybe we should grab a coupla detonators. You know. Just in case." Flex thought about it for a moment, and decided it was a good idea, so he nodded in acknowledgement.

They loaded themselves unto the pelican. A silence befell the group. Not much was to be done. They heard the hum of the pelican as its engines began to take hold. A large shaking began, and the pelican dropped into the black abyss below. The radio chatter began to take hold, and the Pilot turned around a began to speak, "We are going to land you about 5 clicks away from the HQ. There is a small city there, we will drop you on one of the buildings. The Covenant have already begun to establish hold in this area." The second Covenant battleship came into view. It could be seen relinquishing a constant stream of troops into the land below. "Your objective is simple. The Covenant are routing themselves so that they are going to launch a direct assault on the HQ. We can't let that happen. So your job is to head here." A small display appeared in front of them. The display zoomed in to reveal a large tower as high as the perimeter of the entire city. "Samurai Tower. Beauty she is. Too bad we are going to have to cut here down. In order to destroy this, you are going to need to plant base charges throughout the entire building. Good luck." Flex looked down at his shotgun. Something didn't feel right. The pelican door began to open. The time was now. "EVERYONE MOVE OUT!" yelled Flex.

Alpha squad piled out of the pelican, and it began to lift off into the air. They were alone. Jon clicked his rocket launcher. The time was now. "Make a perimeter, Alpha squad," Flex said lightly. Bearman took to the corner of the rooftop. "Sir, enemy tango spotted," Bearman coolly said. "Lets get off this rooftop!" Flex ordered. The team began to pile down the stairs. When the reached the bottom, Mr.V looked outside the front door. "He is facing the other building," Mr.V reported. "Those aliens don't even know where to look." Bearman looked at Flex, then said, "I'll take him out. Just cover me." Flex thought about it for a moment. "Take Mr.V with you." Mr. V nodded, and they moved out.

Bearman took point, and gave the position another analysis. There was one elite, and 3 grunts next to him, standing nearby some sort of antennae. He and Mr.V were crouching behind an alleyway, out of site, while Flex and Jon were overlooking the area. Samurai Tower was visible in the distance, reflecting waves of sunlight toward his eyes. He met Mr.V's eyes. He nodded. Bearman pivoted outside the cover, and begun to spray small pieces of death at his enemy. The grunts fell dead almost immediately. The elite's shields began to shimmer. It turned around and let out a loud roar. An energy sword ignited from its hand. The elite's shimmering black armor reflected the blue aurora generated by the intense heat of the sword.

Flex frowned. The situation was going to hell. A deafening noise began too ring throughout the entire street. A Phantom descended from the heavens, and its turrets took aim, and then began to rain blue streaks of plasma throughout the entire area. "That phantom will rip them to shreds!" Flex exclaimed. The elite was hastily picked up by the Phantom. "Mr. V, Bearman, Get out of there! NOW!"

Mr. V could barely see. The alleyway was melting beside him. There was nothing to be done. He looked at Bearman. "We need to move! IF we stay, there is no way we will escape!" A car beside them was hammered with stray plasma shots. It reached the point where it could take no more. Mr.V made the motion to move, his vision quickly went black, and a ringing hammered his ears to no end.

Jon looked at Flex. "I am going to try to take that Phantom out! There is no way there are going to be able to move if I don't!" He raced up the stairs leading back to the rooftop of the building. The Phatom's roar began to overtake him. It seemed as if someone has wised up to his tactics, and was focusing fire on him.

He raced up the stairs, adrenaline rushing through his body, making run faster. His comrades were in danger, on the brink of death, and he could stop it. He could do it. He reached the top of the building. The phantom faced his direction, and began unleashing a torrent of hell on his position. He readied his rocked launcher. He spotted the Phantom's engine. There was a small click as the rockets became locked on. The shots were getting more accurate. Jon's arms were thrust backwards as the recoil took hold from the roaring rocket that had erupted from the device of which he carried. He stared coldly into the Elite's eyes, who had caused so much trouble. Then he saw annihilation.

A direct hit on the Phantom's engines caused a large explosion to ring through the air, as shrapnel began falling into the streets below. The Phantom screamed a high tone, as its systems began to fail. The beast began to spin uncontrollably, as blue streams of light emitted from the very core. Suddenly, the dyeing machine began to take aim, toward its slayer. Jon felt fear.

Flex saw the Phantom begin to draw closer. He had a split second to think. Should he try to make it to the ground floor, or the rooftops. He sprinted toward the rooftops, and found Jon in the corner, watching the Phantom approach closer. The pristine black color of the Elite's armor reflected the sunlight. As the phantom began to crash into the base floors of the building, he leapt relentlessly into the sky, refusing death's embrace, with a sword ignited in his hand, a monument to his anger. Flex reacted quickly. He began firing off rounds from his shotgun, to which the elite's shields only flickered, laughing at his meager attempts to prevent himself of his massive charge. The Elite let out a bellow of pure ferocity, penetrating Flex's eardrums in the most unpleasant manner. He rolled out of the way just in time, and felt the searing heat of the energy sword crash into the ground beside him. Below, the phantom's systems had reached a critical state. Flex estimated seconds until destruction. He felt the building shake in violent matter, and a subsequent detonation knocked him from his feet. The elite, however, having recovered from his missed blow, was still on his feet, more intent than ever on catching his prey.

Bearman was dazed. The explosion of the car a mere couple of feet away had knocked him briefly unconscious. He looked for the Phantom that caused him so much trouble. Bearman quickly noticed his faceplate was cracked, and that his right thigh was bleeding. Nevertheless, he found his assault rifle, and began limping toward out of the alleyway. From here, he saw the remains of the Phantom, and the struggle that was taking hold on the rooftops. He limped as quickly as he could up the stairs, Assault rifle pointed ahead of him.

Flex felt around of the floor for his shotgun as the elite was quickly enclosing in on him. He could not find it. No! It couldn't end like this.It just couldn't! Amazingly enough, a black shroud suddenly covered up the elite's position. He wondered what had happened. He saw Jon's rocket launcher smoking, and knew it was a direct hit. Flex quickly rose to his feet. The smoke began to evaporate from the impact. Finally! Now they could move on.

  • 09.23.2009 6:45 PM PDT
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Jon felt a wave of relief. That last charge had been too close for comfort. He moved next to Jon. He began to congratulate Jon on his kill when something caught his eye. A blue glow began to shine through the smoke. The elite stared intently at Flex. Their eyes met. Flex could feel the heat of the searing hatred in the elite's eyes. What happened next was a blur. Flex clicked the safety off of his shotgun, and began to raise it to eye level to make the shot. The elite was only several feet away now. Flex took aim, and fired. The elite, stunned by Flex's reaction was helpless as the bullets penetrated his shield. But the elite was still running at Flex. The shot had only taken out his shields! It was...all over now. How could he dodge it? The Elite began to swing his sword at Flex. Flex did the only thing he thought he could. He shuffled to the side, only a few inches. The sword made contact. A gunshot rang through the air.

Bearman made it onto the rooftop, and saw the elite attacking Flex. He clicked his Assault Rifle, and began to take aim. However, the elite suddenly fell dead. He had not shot his gun. He began a quick scan of the streets, to notify where that gunshot could have possibly come from. He looked to the alleyway where Mr.V still laid. Upon closer inspection, he found that Mr.V's magnum was smoking from a shot, from which he had taken while still lying down. It was some of the best marksmanship he had ever seen. Mr.V got up, and began to run toward the rooftops.

Jon was ecstatic that elite was finally dead, that was, until he noticed Flex also lying on the floor. He quickly crouched to see if Flex was all right and inspect any possible wounds. Flex was lying on the floor face down, where he coughed up some blood. His shotgun was sawed in half. "Flexare you going to be alright?" He waited a moment for Flex to gather the strength to respond. Flex raised himself, revealing a large wound beginning from his left shoulder running although down to the right side of his hip. He took a moment to look himself over, then turned to Jon, "Yeah, well aside from the part of me slowly dying, I guess it is all right." Jon let out a nervous laugh. Mr.V had arrived on the rooftop.

Mr.V took some time to look over Flex's condition. He reasoned that he would probably live, seeing that the heat of the wound had completely sealed the wound instantly. Unfortunately, some major organs had taken some damage, but he was still ready to fight. He gave Flex a thumbs up. Flex then ordered, "Alright, now that the warm-up is over, its time to get serious. We need to blow up that tower. Now, we are obviousl." Flex paused to cough up some more blood, then continued, "We are obviously not going to make it anywhere near there on foot. So suggestions?" Everyone fell silent. Suddenly, Bearman looked up with an excited expression. "There is a truck over there. 18 wheeler. Perfect for running over Covenant." Flex though a moment, and through his broken faceplate, a large grin ran though his entire face.

Yamyum was a good Grunt. He did what big elites told him, and didn't complain. For that, he got promoted. He noticed one grunt was slacking off, and sleeping on the job. So Yamyum did what any other elite would do. He kicked that grunt straight in the face as hard as he could. Pleased with his work, he began to make his way back, when he heard a loud noise. He turned around only to fin-

"WOOOOOHOOOOOO!" Jon shouted as he held his rocket launcher outside of the Passenger seat. Flex was driving, while Mr.V and Bearman remained in the Container part of the Truck, ready to defend against possible tailgaters. "THAT GRUNT DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING!" The massive beast was racing at speeds of 120 miles per hour through the streets toward Samurai Tower. Flex tugged Jon back into the truck. "Jon, Covenant encampment ahead. Get yourself ready. Looks like they got a wraith ready to fire at us." As soon as those words were uttered, a large blue ball of plasma descended from the heavens singing a song of a warm blue death. Flex ignored it, and swerved out of the way, dodging the probably fatal impact. Jon looked back at Flex, and said, "Damnit, I can't a get a good shot. Mr.V, Time to make use of that Spartan Laser I let you borrow!"

Mr.V checked the Spartan laser as he made final adjustments to the gun. He heard Jon screaming to get ready. The truck shook once more as Flex swerved to avoid another shot. Bearman grabbed a bar they had installed into the truck roof, and then grabbed the back of Mr.V's armor. Mr.V felt a slight wave of anxiety. He grasped the handle on the Truck doors. "5 SECONDS!" Jon shouted from the front of the truck. The speeding goliath shook again as Flex swerved around another wraith shot. Mr. V readied the Spartan Laser on his shoulder. "NOW!" Jon shouted. Mr.V swung open the truck doors, charging the laser. The truck then took off into the air; Flex had expertly used the wraith's curved shape as a ramp, launching the vehicle into the air. Mr.V Noticed the Laser was at full charge. The truck reached the pinnacle of its height, when Mr.V fired his weapon. The directly hit the rotating engine exhaust on the back of the wraith, causing the tank to erupt into a ball of blue flame.

Flex grasped the steering tighter as each second passed by. They were in midair, the tank had just exploded, and now they were going to land very badly. He had just enough time to say, "HOLD ON!" The truck immediately rammed itself into the ground, causing the front end to buckle within itself. This caused the aerodynamics of the truck to drastically change; Flex had to swerve back in forth just to keep it going straight. They were very close to the tower, whose small height from the beginning of their adventure seemed to reach into the clouds themselves now, radiating a large presence that was hard to comprehend.

Bearman felt the truck shake violently beneath his feet. He heard Jon callout, "Less than 15!" Bearman's restless mind took a minute to comprehend what he had just heard. Less than 15. 15 seconds till they get there. Good. This journey had been perilous enough. He still had bruises and aches from that car explosion. 10 seconds now. He felt a wave of relief. Bearman was unsure as to why. He began to recall his home. A quiet townhouse amongst an equally quiet town. It always seemed so peaceful there. He wondered why. Perhaps it was naivety of it all? Maybe. Or could it be that the general overtone was one that it seemed like nothing bad could happen? Probably. 5 seconds. He heard the sound of the truck's door blaring. Brakes engaged. He reached over for his assault rifle, loaded a fresh clip, and kicked open the door. Time to go.

Jon raced out of that truck like no tomorrow. That was fun and all, but he wanted to get this done! Flex turned to him and said, "I need you to place those charges around the base of the building. Then we place a second set in the middle of the structure, and finally one last set at the top floor. Command will be sending someone to pick us up at the ro-." Flex choked on a little bit more blood, then continued, "roof. Then its home free boys!" They all cheered in agreement. Jon got to work.

Mr.V took a look around. His mind was telling him to reassess the situation, and so he was. He made note of the fact that Jon had finished the base charges, and they were moving up to the middle of the building now. The interior was nice looking; furniture was brand new, not to mention the dazzling architecture. Shame it would all go to waste. But then again it was not like anyone was going to be able to use it anyway. So, back to reanalyzing. Command sent them down here to destroy this tower. It took some time getting here, but they were here. The point of destroying the tower wasto stop or at least slow Covenant reinforcements from reaching HQ long enough for quality defenses and preparation to be completed. Mr.V knew something was wrong. Suddenly he realized. The entire last floor of this building was made of thin glass, as he noted while he was waiting for Jon. That could only meanhold on. Interrupted thought. Jon finished charges on the middle floor. Moving up again. So, back to his assessment. Thin glasscovenant reinforcementsthey would be wide open and they wouldn't even know it. Mr.V turned and said, "Flex. I got some bad news."

Wide open? That couldn't be good. Flex noticed they had reached the top floor. About 3 inches from him was an entire hallway, square shaped, surrounded by glass window panes. He inched over to the first panel, and took a peek. Hundreds of feet below them, the covenant were mobilizing in almost unreal amounts. There were four corners to this floor, where each had a metal column where the charges had to be placed. They were also the only cover. The rest was glass. He wondered if the Covenant would notice them, and thought it was a small chance, or it was, at least until he saw the banshee patrols.
Jon Planted the first charge. Good. Now how to move across the hallway? He decided that it would just be best to make a run for it. He signaled Flex, Mr.V, and Bearman. He readied himself. Images began to race through his mind. The armored elite. The Phantom. The Truck. His childhood. When he first joined the army. All this images intertwined together, culminating to this very moment, where he could do nothing, except run, run as fast he could, and depend on luck. He was literally running for his life.

  • 09.23.2009 6:46 PM PDT
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Mr. V followed closely behind the others as soon as they broke out into a sprint. A beam rifle shot broke the glass behind them. -blam!-. They had been spotted. He forced himself to run faster. The scream of a banshee seemed to be nearing as raced past the second charge that Jon had already set up. His eyes quickly glanced outside the window. The sun glistened brightly through the window panels, filling the area with its yellow radiant warmth. It was comforting. That is until; a large blue ball of melting energy eclipsed the image from his eyes, screaming angrily for his death. He moved faster now. Plasma began to run through all the window panes, melting their signatures into the walls. Third charge. Mr.V suddenly noticed he did not hear anything anymore. He saw only white around him, and realized he did not feel anything either. This was strange.

Flex saw Jon place the fourth charge. The Covenant fire was becoming more intense. They needed to leave now. He got on radio with Command, when something caught his eye. Mr. V was missing. "Jon! Call command for evac. I need to go find Mr.V!" Before Jon could protest, he was running to find his fallen companion. Memories raced though his mind. He began to recall when he joined the military, worried about what to find next. There he saw Mr.V, and began to strike up a conversation with him. It was there their friendship began. He turned the corner. Still no Mr.V. Memories began to flood everywhere. The first battle they were both in. How shaken they were. 10 years began to race across his mind. He finally found Mr.V. There was a huge indent from the normal structure of the building, going inwards to where what seems to be a blast from a wraith struck. He kneeled down, and tried to shake Mr.V awake. "Come on..come on wake up. Come on! Mr.V eyes fluttered to life, but Flex could see he was in tremendous pain. He put his arm over his shoulder and began taking him to the rooftop.

Everything was a blur. Mr.V felt blood around his entire body, and noticed he couldn't move anything. The whiteness had disappeared, showing the grim interior where he had fallen. He began to piece everything together. He was hit. Badly. He saw the staircase leading to the rooftops. On top was a pelican. Jon and Bearman were already aboard. Flex. carefully loaded Mr.V unto the pelican. He looked back. Something was wrong.

"What do you mean the second charge has locked down?!" Flex screamed, only to be interrupted with a short burst of coughing up blood. Jon looked very pale. "The wraith that had taken out Mr.V also damaged the charge. The only way it will detonate is if someone goes in there and reactivates it. But" Flex had enough. "BUT WHAT?" Jon raised his head. "But as soon it is reactivated all the charges will blow. There will be no time to escape." Flex thought a moment. "I'll do it," Flex said. Jon and Bearman looked stunned. Flex continued, "It is an order. Go." The pelican began to take off, and left the rooftop.

Flex began walking down the stairs. None of it mattered now. He lived a good life. As he turned the hallway past the third charge toward the second. He began a quote. "For death begins with life's first breath." He never did learn the second part. Flex reached the charge. He took one last look at the world beneath him. Amongst all the mayhem, war, and death, the Sun persisted to shine. The sky persisted to stay upright. He figured if they could do it, why not humanity? He activated the charge.

Samurai tower shook horrificly as the explosions destroyed the bases of the columns and skeletal structure of the architectural monument. The tower began to fall on the Covenant's army. Banshees exploded in midair at unimaginable angles. Phatoms came crashing to the ground. In the end, the mission had been achieved. One pelican flying through the air was a testament to that.

"For death begins with life's first breath And life begins at touch of death"
John Oxenham

  • 09.23.2009 6:47 PM PDT
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Hmmmmm. Well i haven't seen you around these parts before. You must have just joined the ranks of bungie.net writers. I haven't read much of the story. The parts are essentially walls of text. The first thing you need to do is space your paragraphs better. Also, you should use a spellcheck system. You have some errors in there. I didn't read alot of it because the lengthyness intimidated me, as it may do to others. If you fix those two things up im sure you will get more replies. Even though you have made some mistakes, the fact that you were able to write all that is impressive. That in itself is a talent. It takes a while to get a hold of. There are alot of good writers in this forum, and they are also very kind. A call for help will often be answered :)

  • 09.24.2009 7:37 PM PDT
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Posted by: Prawn of theDead
Hmmmmm. Well i haven't seen you around these parts before. You must have just joined the ranks of bungie.net writers. I haven't read much of the story. The parts are essentially walls of text. The first thing you need to do is space your paragraphs better. Also, you should use a spellcheck system. You have some errors in there. I didn't read alot of it because the lengthyness intimidated me, as it may do to others. If you fix those two things up im sure you will get more replies. Even though you have made some mistakes, the fact that you were able to write all that is impressive. That in itself is a talent. It takes a while to get a hold of. There are alot of good writers in this forum, and they are also very kind. A call for help will often be answered :)


Thanks for your thoughts; to clarify the context of the story, it is actually on characters who sign up for the fanfiction in the group the Spartan 1 project right here on bunge.net It presents a sort of challenge in making sure everyone is satisfied with their appearance, thus resulting in longer chapters. I do apologize for grammar mistakes, that is inexcusable. On a side note, the one grammar rule I do not like following is the creation of a new paragraph upon the introduction of a new speaker, for I feel since I include so little characters it interrupts the flow of the story too much to be overlooked. Other than that, I will try to tune up the stories more.

Lastly, next time I will split the major chapters into installments for the gallery so it doesn't look like a whole block of text for you next time.

But thanks again :D

  • 09.24.2009 7:43 PM PDT
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I HATE THAT PARAGRAPH GRAMMAR RULE TOO!!! Rebellion?

The concept of the thing sounds really really cool :D

  • 09.24.2009 8:54 PM PDT