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This topic has moved here: Subject: No wonder humanity was almost wiped out!
  • Subject: No wonder humanity was almost wiped out!
Subject: No wonder humanity was almost wiped out!

At the beginning of the Halo series, humanity had weapons that made the Covenant crap their pants. The standard UNSC pistol could be used as a freakin' anti-air weapon! The rocket launcher obliterated everything nearby, and the vehicles were completely indestructible.

Meanwhile, the Covenant were equipping their highest ranking Elites with fuzzy blue things that did nothing but make the humans laugh, as they used bullets to kill enemies rather than fists.

Then, the UNSC had a sudden urge to "balance" their equipment. They made it so the pistol couldn't kill a grunt, let alone a Covenant ship. They also turned their vehicles into fast-moving deathtraps that the enemy could now hijack. The only improvements that were made during this period were an improved rocket launcher that was able to lock on to enemy vehicles, and an increased budget that allowed the UNSC to get every marine a driver's license.

At the same time, the Covenant upgraded their blue fuzzy things into something resembling a sword, and it could now allow the user to fly 50 feet towards any desired target. In addition, they developed a weapon similar to the UNSC's rocket launcher, except the user could fire approximately 1 bajillion rounds before reloading.

The UNSC then created a weapon similar to the original stardard-issue pistol, but instead of making it standard issue, it was reserved for maniacs who enjoy getting launched from orbital stations for a living. This new pistol was decommissioned after six hours.

The Covenant then realized that marines were using the plasma pistol and BR55 together to kill shielded Covenant easier, so they did the only logical thing and made the plasma pistol completely useless.

In order to combat Banshees in the absence of the pistol, the UNSC designed Hornets which, while incredibly boring to fly, looked totally kick ass.

Not wanting to fall behind on the manufacturing of overpowered weapons that make no sense, the Covenant designed a seven foot tall hammer that could destroy any enemy with one hit. This weapon was of course down graded when the Covenant realized it was useful.

Only with the help of the Elites with their retarded glowy things that somehow enabled the wielder to fly towards enemies, was humanity able to survive.

Weapons in the future suck.

[Edited on 03.02.2011 9:49 PM PST]

  • 09.27.2009 12:38 PM PDT

This gave me a good laugh.

  • 09.27.2009 12:42 PM PDT
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~~The Silen7 Type~~

win

  • 09.27.2009 12:55 PM PDT
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“To say more would spoil be it’s overall its a game that needs to be played.” - Aristotle

This thread is epic, it gave me a huge number of laughs. Excellent job, OP. Thread saved.

  • 09.27.2009 1:00 PM PDT

It's funny cause it's true!

  • 09.27.2009 1:06 PM PDT
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  • Fabled Mythic Member

“Strange,” mused the Director, as they turned away, “strange to think that even in Our Ford’s day most games were played without more apparatus than a ball or two and a few sticks and perhaps a bit of netting. imagine the folly of allowing people to play elaborate games which do nothing whatever to increase consumption.”

The Black Chapter!

did the humans win?

yes.
so what are you whining about?

  • 09.27.2009 1:19 PM PDT

Posted by: Telec
did the humans win?

yes.
so what are you whining about?

Yes. But humanity only won because they teamed up with the Elites, who don't care about balanced weapons.

  • 09.27.2009 1:25 PM PDT

I like to lax and i like to partAy

This weapon was of course down graded when the Covenant realized it was useful. ahaha this mad me laugh

  • 09.27.2009 1:27 PM PDT

Hornets, a slower moving, hard to operate vehicle that was only semi-competent at killing infantry units.have you even used one

And the M6D and M6C/S can't do crap on Covenant shields. The BR can, however. The UNSC couldn't go without having a weapon that has at least a little chance at killing an elite.

And the Halo 1 weapons weren't the original weapon set or anything. They were just what was given to the Marines aboard a Joke-class cruiser.

  • 09.27.2009 5:01 PM PDT

Group invites will be treated very poorly because the Care Package is empty.

__/
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This is the best tl;dr I have ever read. Not entirely true, but it's the best.

  • 09.27.2009 5:06 PM PDT

Posted by: Mutoid Log
Hornets, a slower moving, hard to operate vehicle that was only semi-competent at killing infantry units.have you even used one

If given the choice between a Banshee and a Hornet, which one would you choose?

And the M6D and M6C/S can't do crap on Covenant shields. The BR can, however. The UNSC couldn't go without having a weapon that has at least a little chance at killing an elite.

In Halo 2 the rocket launcher was the substitute for the M6D silly, not the Battle Rifle.

  • 09.27.2009 5:20 PM PDT

Hornet, of course.

  • 09.27.2009 5:31 PM PDT

Posted by: Mutoid Log
Hornet, of course.

Curses!

  • 09.27.2009 5:34 PM PDT

i is a shiesty ninja...

nice i totaly agree

  • 09.27.2009 5:48 PM PDT

Epic win. I hope bungie's reading this.

  • 09.27.2009 5:56 PM PDT

Posted by: elitehunter34
Epic win. I hope bungie's reading this.
o god yes, this thread is win!

  • 09.27.2009 6:31 PM PDT
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Argumentum ad populum

I don't know, those fuzzy blue things managed to kill me a few times on Legendary.

+5 internets for you for lulz thread.

  • 09.27.2009 7:04 PM PDT
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Thank you so much for this. I laughed a lot!

  • 09.27.2009 9:01 PM PDT

Very well thought out with te lulz.

  • 09.27.2009 9:03 PM PDT

the answer will always be the newbies... the newbies dont like being overated... you pick newbies you get overated and if your overated that also means ur underated... in the end its rated "G" for GOD or in this case URK

eh if the fuzzy blue things came after me well we all know what happens when u hit someone with a warthog wright :)

  • 09.27.2009 10:41 PM PDT
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I see what you mean.
Your trying to tell us that Weapons were amazing in Halo 1, but Bungie ruined it with Halo 2 and 3.
So your actaully mad at Bungie for ruining the Weapons in Halo 2 and 3, and you describe your anger in a funny way.

[Edited on 09.28.2009 9:48 AM PDT]

  • 09.28.2009 5:27 AM PDT
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We're gonna make it.

Sounds like someone is angry with the weapons.....

Although what about the Spartan Laser? I hate that thing.....

  • 09.28.2009 9:42 AM PDT

"Eyes from Death's dream kingdom appear as sunlight on a broken column. There, in Death's other kingdom, walking alone, trembling lips form prayers to broken stone."

lol this is funny as hell.

  • 09.28.2009 11:13 AM PDT
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  • Fabled Legendary Member

"Rise and shine Mister Freeman. Rise and----shine." -Gman

Lmao. It just made me realize that humans and the Covenant are more alike military-wise than I originally thought. They fix things that didn't need fixing in the first place.

  • 09.28.2009 3:24 PM PDT

Posted by: Silen7Sam
win
QFT

  • 09.28.2009 6:20 PM PDT