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Part One - D.O.A.
"Did we lose them?" Captain Jacob Keyes asked the Smart AI, Cortana.
A purplish, virtual image appeared near the keyboard. Keyes studied the figure intentively. Why the hell is Cortana so sexy?, Jacob thought. I mean, seriously, if they're going to make a combat-ready AI, we're not going to be focusing on the enemy too much if we're staring at her bonkers. And Jesus, look at those legs. Dear God, Cortana, I wish you were real. Christ, I'd take you for the ride of y-
"Sir, you do realize you've been saying your thoughts aloud?" Cortana interrupted, coughing awkwardly.
"What thoughts?" Keyes snapped, averting his gaze. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"But you were just -"
"Just, what, Cortana? Are you bloody mad? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're on the verge of rampancy."
"Captain, what are you -"
"Just tell me if the Covenant are still riding our asses, okay!?" Keyes blurted, sucking on his antique pipe.
"Whatever," Cortana growled, then checked her sensor arrays. "No, Captain. We're home free."
"Pimp ass." Keyes replied, switchin his view towards the visual screen. "What the hell is that??" Keyes asked, pointing at a giant ring floating in space. "I didn't know my ex-wife threw her wedding ring away here!" he said, laughing to himself.
The Bridge crew coughed in embarrasment at the bad joke as Cortana rubbed her head in frustration.
"Anyways, in all seriousness, what is that, Cortana?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know? Just because I'm an AI doesn't mean I know everything, mind you," Cortana snapped.
Keyes rolled his eyes. "Just wake the Master Chief, I feel the need to give him this Magnum I have, which I ironnically have no ammo for."
Cortana sighed. "Yes sir,"
* * * * *
Master Chief awoke with a start, thinking he was still in the battle of Reach. Instinctively, he grabbed the marine waiting for him outside of his cryo tube, then ripped his head off, thinking him to be a Covenant soldier.
"Master Chief, what the hell!?" yelled the marine from the observation window. The Chief looked down at the mess of blood he had caused, then wiped it off his hands.
"Yuck." he grimaced, then looked up at the observation window. He saw that the marine was dead, being tea-bagged by Covenant elites. "Aw, hell," the Spartan said, knowing he'd have to fight soon. "I do more work around here than an illegal immigrant."
* * * * *
The Chief soon pulled into the bridge, saluting to Captain Keyes. "Captain Keyes." the Spartan remarked, trying to keep his official first line for the Halo: CE game as bad ass as he could.
"Chief. You got here fast." Keyes remarked.
"Of course I did, sir. All it took was the author's laziness to type my process of getting here,"
"I see. Anyways, I just wnated to give you this Pistol." Keyes said, then dropped his voice to a whisper. "Oh, and take Cortana. She's kind of annoying."
"Damn it, Captain Keyes, why do I have to take Cortana? She'll start appearing on my HUD, and annoying the hell out of me in the middle of a mission."
"No worries, Chief. That won't start happening until Halo 3."
"Great." The MC said, grabbing the pistol, then the AI chip at the same time. He inserted Cortana into his armor's neural system, and exited the bridge.
"Keep your head down, there's two of us in here now, remember?" Cortana informed.
"Oh, thanks, Cortana, I totally forgot. Even though it happened like, five god damn seconds ago," the Chief said sarcastically.
"You know what, Chief? You can be a real douche sometimes."
[Edited on 10.15.2009 6:33 PM PDT]