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Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 15 is Out!]
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Not Really a Story, more of a Funny, Information Text on WHY the Covenant Lost This War. BEWARE. Contains Adult References and Rude Words.




Ever wonder how an advanced alien race with trillions of beings and advanced technology lost a war against only a few human meatpuppets? Let Me explain it to you using an advanced theory stating why the Covenant suck at life.




Chapters/Problems

1. Grunts: I Thought I smelt Cabbage (This Post)

2. Jackals: They'll Devour Your Head!

3. Hunters: Maybe Dangerous

4. Drones: Where theres One


5. Brutes: Fricken Toaster Strudels

6. Elites: Pop Tarts Are G!

7. Phrophets: Why I hate World Of Warcraft

8. Flood: Its No Zombie Rip Off

9. Recruits: Training New Fail

10. TheFleet: Why Burn Gas? Burn Heretic!

11. Ghosts: Hold Still and Explode

12. Banshees: They Hit Cliffs

13. Wraiths: We Cant Trust Covies

14. Choppers: Its a Lethal Tractor

15. Scarabs: They Used to Dig?!









PROBLEM ONE: GRUNTS

What kind of advanced alien species makes its main force small midgets that have a helium addiction?

In the Covenant language, their name really means "One who is tea bagged when standing in line" but your Halo booklet won't tell you that. Oh no, they call them "Cannon Fodder".

Obviously, they're not that smart either. Grunts really can't seem to understand basic problem solving techniques, like those people on airplanes that will try to place an oversized item (suitcase, bag, tractor, etc.) into an overhead storage bin.

Grunts will try to overstuff containers, such as attempting to hide a Banshee inside of a wallet. A relatively smart gerbil could easily see that this would not fit into the wallet.

Compare a human soldier telling his commander where food is:

Marine: Sir, there is a stash of MRE packets at LEV 902B

Compared to a grunt...

Grunt: When hungry, eat jackal!

Let's go over some more scenarios:

(A marine has a plasma grenade thrown on him)

Marine: AHHH DIE SCUM!!!!

(He jumps towards the nearest covenant formation and explodes)

Now the sad efforts of a grunt:

Grunt: WAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!

(He jumps onto a brute's leg and begins to hump it)

(The Brute yells, and bashes him over the head with a gravity hammer several times before the grunt explodes)

Then there's the planning:

Marine: Sir, I have our supplies.

Tough but Caring Officer: Atta boy Skippy!

Compared to...

Elite: You foolish teabag monkey! How could you possibly replace our entire supply of plasma grenades with Twix bars!?!?!?!?!

Grunt: I WAS UNDER PRESSURE! The demon was looking at me funny...

Elite: THAT WAS A TREE! Besides, why did you replace the Sanghelli jetpacks with human canned beverages?!?

Grunt: Red Bull gives you wings!

To make things shorter, here's a list of foolish activities that happened to a Covenant base when a grunt was ordered to "Get a pistol."

Exploding Candy Canes

Pancake Mix in Plasma Rifle

Rabid Unicorn Attack

Loss of Troops by enraged Winnie the Pooh

Hijacking of Santa's sleigh

Assaulted by rabid Teletubbies

Pyro Chewbacca

Wraiths destroyed by entire gang of "Fat Albert".

A Super Monkey Sumo Diaper Whipped Cream Throwing Fergalicious Ralph Nader

(Censored for your own good, trust me on this)

Bar fight between Elmo and Flavor Flav


This is only a small taste of grunt stupidity. Forerunners expected Halo to be activated by grunts. That's why it can be activated via the big red button.

It's easy to see that Master Chief grew quite tired with the Covenant: after all they were constantly throwing soldiers that had the IQ of ketchup at him all day long. Chief had to find ways to entertain himself with these leprechauns from hell.

Chief: Sing it again...

Grunt: (obviously terrified) I'm a little teapot short and stout... here is my handle. Here is my spout

(The grunt urinates directly of Chief's helmet)

(Master Chief responds by punching a chunk out of the middle of the grunt in a perfect circle)

Chief: NEXT!!!

(Another grunt walks up)

Grunt: Oompa, loompa...d-d-doopety doo....

Chief: I GROW WEARY OF THIS!!!!

(Master Chief roundhouse kicks it's head off)

Now for some official facts!

Grunts are 5 feet tall and are relatively weak compared to other Covenant species. Although they can easily walk upright on two legs, they are often seen using their arms as legs and moving in a quadrupedal fashion. While carrying armaments, they are forced to walk upright so that they may support their weapons with their hands, but while trying to flee, or while patrolling without a weapon drawn, they use their oversized arms as forelegs to add speed or stability to their gait.

Oversized arms? That just doesn't make sense to give them weapons at all! Besides the extreme tendency they have to flee or throw grenades at allies, I'm not sure I've seen a grunt running on all fours.

A Suicide Grunt, also known as a "Kamikaze Grunt", is like a "berserk" mode for the Unggoy in Halo 3. Occasionally, an Unggoy will hold two Plasma Grenades in each hand while screaming in rage and charge towards enemy forces. This is usually triggered by their leader being killed (usually in a brutal way such as sticking him with a grenade).

Gotta love the suicide grunts...

Me: This is easy! These midgets drop like flies!

Grunt: (primes two grenades) I HOPE YOU LIKE MY BRIGHT BLUE BALLS!! (charges towards me)

Me: AW CRAP!!!

(boom)

Grunts are the lowest-ranked species of the Covenant hierarchy. They are bitter rivals with Jackals, who are also a smaller Covenant group with which they compete to prove themselves better and more skilled than the Grunts. The higher ranking races of the Covenant often ignored this rivalry.

Well the whole rivalry started between only one grunt and one jackal...

(A grunt and a jackal are arguing over a VCR)

Grunt: It's my sex box!

Jackal: No it's MY sex box!

Grunt: It's my sex box! AND HER NAME IS SONY!!!


TUNE IN FOR OUR NEXT CHAPTER: JACKALS: Why I dont Do Drugs


[Edited on 12.01.2009 1:58 PM PST]

  • 11.14.2009 6:49 AM PDT
Subject: [story] Why The Covenant Lost This War (Chapter Two is Up!)
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I hope you like it so far. :)



PROBLEM 2: JACKALS

Do you remember the first time you saw a jackal? The first thoughts you had when you looked upon its face. I remember mine exactly:

Why the hell is that ugly lemur holding a gun?

Yes, I suspected it was a lemur. Surprisingly, the Jackals don't appreciate me singing Hakuna Matata at all, and the reaction I got was worse that Simon Cowell having his man period. The Covenant tried to use jackals for various reasons, let me show some official facts.

When inducted into the Covenant, the Kig Yar (Jackals) were intended to replace the Grunts as the Covenant's foot soldiers but the temperament of the Jackals made such a change impractical.

TEMPERAMENT? If that's what it means to be growling, and hissing and crap when I go up to one. Like In Halo 2 cut scenes, what kind of soldier tries to gnaw through a steel bar? Or as you've probably seen when playing Halo, its arm?

They are also deployed as police forces on occupied worlds. The reason for this duty was unclear , it is not known if the Covenant feel that Grunts could not be trusted with such roles or if the predatory nature of the Jackals allowed them a greater ability to police planets.

Hmmmm... A Jackal Police Officer?

Speeder: Hi officer! I'm sorry I was speeding to fast! I was late for a corporate business meeting when this guy in Wraith cut me off so I had to go down route KIGRANYKKS'MALA (Covenant for 'Bed Wetting Seagulls) and that's why I went three miles past speed limit! I'll accept the ticket.

Jackal: WAEFNGOIAWNJAFOEFJWFJQJ!!!!!!

(The Jackal then slits his throat with a spoon and eats his head)

Why couldn't the three chair jockeys see this coming?

The ranking authorities in Covenant society have been known to feed prisoners to Jackals

HOLY LORD! FEED THEM TO THE JACKALS? FEED? So, the Covenant in their eternal wisdom made this decision.

Regret: Hmm... What do we do with the Jackals?

Truth: Grunts already have the toilet cleaning job.

Mercy: How about a cushion?

Regret: We gave that to the Brutes, remember?

Mercy: Tartarus is so cuddly...

Truth: I KNOW! Since they're so angry and homicidal. Let's give them highly dangerous plasma weapons. Including a really big shield they can gnaw on!

So it was done thanks to the prophet of Truth. Truthfully, that's a load of crap. The humans had sniper rifles that could go through FIFTEEN FEET OF FLESH. Jackals had carbines but when you get too close they will bash you with a shield and gnaw on your boots, or if your really unlucky. Urinate on you. Unfortunately, Jackal urine is acidic. That's why they are constantly constipated and angry. You see, all Covenant are "potty trained".

Regret: Grunt, don't piss on my mix tapes.

Grunt: (I'll never do that again, I hope he doesn't sit in the other chair...)

With a Jackal...

Prophet: Don't pee on the carpet.

Jackal: (I'll never pee. EVER!)

This tactic rarely works because Jackals usually just eat the trainers head. All that acid build up was also very problematic.

(Truth returns to his office to find all his stuff has been melted)

Truth: WHAT IS THIS?!?!?

(A jackal is on the ground in the fetal position, listening to what sounds like a seagull being violated with a bagpipe)

Truth: (looking at CD cover) Jonas Brothers? REGRET!!!!

Regret: (coming into room) What is so important?

Truth: SO IMPORTANT?!?! (shoving CD cover in his face) DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS...THIS...oh how do humans say it? THIS -blam!-!!!

Regret: Well whatever unholy sound it's making should be stopped. He's urinating on a photograph of my grandmother...

Yes the Covenant hated Jonas Brothers too! For a while at least, in the mass insanity that followed, eventually Truth would LOVE the Jonas Brothers. I think he's crazy. Maybe it's just me, but when I heard one song (and only ONE) from them, I felt verbally neutered for a week.

Similar to the chaos that could be caused if I ever met Hannah Montana...

Miley Cyrus: I'm Miley Cyrus (puts a blonde wig on her head) Now I'm Hannah Montana.

(Her dad pops out of a newsstand)

Billy Ray: You're gonna be famous!

Me: Uh, are you, like... okay?

Miley Cyrus: (while flipping hair with every word) Aha! I have, like noooo personality. I like Alpha Males. Aha. And I like, you know, like like this guy, and he's like, you know like, like, like like like LIKE LIKE LIKE

(Mileys head spins around and then explodes)

Me: poor confused girl...

Billy Ray: (pointing at me) You're gonna be famous!

Me: ...

Poor rednecks. Miley hasn't bathed in so long that she hasn't noticed the large raccoon nesting on her head.

Tune In For Our Next Chapter! Hunters: Yes They Have theyre own Parking Spaces.


[Edited on 11.14.2009 7:31 AM PST]

  • 11.14.2009 6:59 AM PDT
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No matter how many seals are killed by sharks a year, it never seems to be enough :D

HAHA! This is actually pretty funny. Saved

  • 11.14.2009 9:34 AM PDT
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SAS Halo 3

Thanks. =)

I want more Comments before I post Hunters.

Iv allready finished Hunters and Drones but i like building up Tension. =)

Then After that Iv Planned:

- Brutes : Fricken Toaster Strudels
- Elites : Poptarts are G

  • 11.14.2009 2:41 PM PDT

Oh dear God, not American written comedy! It's so...blunt...and in your face!

Where's the subtlety?

Oh well, as far as that particular type of comedy goes, this was pretty good.

  • 11.14.2009 2:57 PM PDT
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SAS Halo 3

Thanks Wolvers? lol.
Thanks for the Comments you two. Heres Chapter Three/Problem Three. Enjoy. Drones will be out later today.



Problem Three: Hunters

Do you remember the first time you saw a hunter? Your thoughts? I remember mine... "HOLY CRAP"

Though you may find it difficult to find faults in the Hunters, its easy. I found out for you. A little known fact is that Hunters are manufactured by Toyota. The Covenant use Toyota for many of their machines including vehicles, Hunters, methane tanks, elevators, thrusters, and Nintendo Wiis. The conflict between Wiis and 360s is brutal. I have a Wii, and let me say that if you have the choice, get another system. I have my reasons...


Master Chief: I'm much more powerful you little creep show...

Mario: You're a justa man in youra fancy robot suit!

Master Chief: And YOU'RE a creepy Italian plumber who abuses performance enhancing mushrooms.

(Mario throws a fireball at Chief and misses completely)

Mario: Mama mia!

(Mario jumps down a pipe and Chief drops several grenades down after him)

Master Chief: Subject terminated.

(Mario leaps out of another pipe and throws a turtle shell at Chief, who deflects it with his fist)

Mario: You'll a never catch me! Cuz Ima Mari..GLURCH!!!

(Master Chief has sniped Mario in the head)

Let's review some official facts about Hunters.

Hunters are the most populous member of the Covenant, nearing two trillion in number. This is because each Hunter entity is actually a conglomerate colony of sentinet orange symbiotic eels, held together by their armor.

Seriously, what is this? An eel? A bunch of fricking EELS?!?!??!!? I find it hard to believe that several thousand eels to figure out how to work fuel rod cannons, or for that matter, move. Toyota obviously has a few problems if they need fricking intelligent fish to operate their machinery.

They always work in a pair with their mate.

MATE?!?! I don't even want to know how that works out... I've got enough problems with my own past relationships, I really don't want to know how that happens.

(Grunt peacefully walking through hallways)

Grunt: I love sunshine, yes I do! I love kittens, how bout you?

(The grunt walks in on two hunters)

Grunt: (head instantly combusting) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

3 days later...

(The Grunt is now dressed in black and wearing eyeliner)

Grunt: CRAWLING IN MYYYYY SKIN!!! THESE WOUNDS, THEY WILL, NOT HEEEAL!!!!

They are believed to have their own religion: it is noted in Halo: Ghosts of Onyx that some Hunters even recite poetry and meditate in their spare time.

Great. It's a big hippy, peaceful (but heavily armed), eel...thing with cannons for arms. I have no idea how the eels were required in the way of things. Is it safe to say that SpongeBob Squarepants could fuse with Squidward, resulting in a bazooka for a face? Why don't the Covenant use fricking Pikmin for gods sake...

Hunters usually show nothing but opprobrium towards the lesser Covenant races (even purposefully killing them if they become an obstruction during battles) and rarely communicate with any other race apart from the Elites.

Good idea Covenant! Let's put several grunts near a twelve foot tall menace that constantly uses grunts to practice lacrosse. For that matter, these eels seem to have some kind of grudge against midgets. I've seen Hunters kill more grunts than people. In one incident, I saw an angry Hunter pick up a grunt and lodge it inside the engine compartment of a Wraith. This is not a smart thing to do, as Grunts are valuable ammunition to the Covenant war machine. Though really not too valuable.

An example of how the species will interact during the takeover of a planet.

GLASSSING CEREMONY

ELITES Participate by launching the first wave of ammunition.

GRUNTS Participate as BEING launched with the first wave of ammunition.

JACKALS Eat the survivor's heads.

HUNTERS Recite a poem about walrus dung at ceremony.

DRONES Spam. (Discussed in later chapter)

BRUTES Scream and bang head against wall. (Discussed in later chapter)

ENGINEERS Wonder why they don't exist.

PROPHETS Tell jokes and watch NASCAR during glassing.

Seems that having a Hippy like short tempered eel giant for an assault trooper isn't the best idea. Though they sometimes kill humans, very well actually. Though they usually spend their time watching Yu Gi Oh and trading Pokemon cards. In fact, Pokemon cards is Covenant money. The Prophet of Truth purchased Delta Halo from Gravemind for only a holographic Charizard and a limited edition Pikachu. Obviously, the Hunters need some serious conditioning.

For one thing, I wouldn't put them in pairs, I'd put them in large groups of twenty. This pair of hunters thing just doesn't work out. One gets killed, other goes crazy and crushes jackal, burns elite, flushes grunt down toilet, etc. If there were TWENTY, they wouldn't care. In fact, none would die. They'd just stand in a big fricking line and fire away. Of course, it is bred in the eels a genetic code that makes them afraid of escalators. Nobody knows why. Of course, that's what makes a Subaru a Subaru.

Tune in to our next Chapter Drones: MY GOD THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!

AND COMMENT FOR MY SOULS SAKE

  • 11.14.2009 4:51 PM PDT
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Nobodys Commenting ? Okay. Im gonna post The Drones Chapter anyway. Iv finished Brutes and Elites and im up to Phrophets. :)

But Im not gonna post those ones until I at least get about 5 Comments. =D





PROBLEM FOUR: DRONES




Like I've asked in previous chapters, do you remember your first thoughts when you saw drones? (They're always in fricking packs) I remember mine.

ARE THOSE OVERGROWN MOSQUITOS ARMED?!?


Drones are very numerous and appear in several thousand numbers and, and are the only Covenant with, er... "love glands", because, like my someone random stated, almost all other Covenant have none. FYI none of the Covenant do: in fact, here are origins of all Covenant.

GRUNTS: Are kidnapped leprechaun crack babies, most likely in Detroit.

JACKALS: Are simply found, usually biting something electrical.

HUNTERS: Manufactured by Toyota.

DRONES: Need I explain more?

BRUTES: Raised from birth in the Chuck E. Cheese restroom.

ENGINEERS: Created by fat sweaty men at Bungie, but are always forgotten.

PROPHETS: It's so bizarre: I'll explain it in future chapter.

Anyways, let's look at some official facts.

Because of their mobility, they can sometimes be difficult to kill, often flying in large groups and attacking from multiple angles with their plasma pistols or needlers.

Mobility is a fricking understatement. I remember when I first encountered them on Legendary.

Me: Haha! I'm owning these retarded leprechauns!

(The large elevator begins to go down and several thousand drones fly out)

Me: WTF? The Flood? IS IT THE FLOOD?!?!?

(Gollum runs out of an electrical panel)

Gollum: WRAITHS!!! WRIATHS ON WINGS!!!!!

(One drone flies down and scoops up Gollum carrying him away to lord knows where)

Gollum: MASTER!!!! MASTER!!!!!!

Me: Well that was kind of weird...but I can handle these guys!!!

(The drones all fire needlers at the same time, creating a giant wall of plasma bolts)

Me: OMFG!!!!!!!!!

(I die and they all gather around me, eat my corpse, and lay eggs in what remains of my skull)

Drones are suited for aerial combat, and like most of the Covenant races breathe the same atmosphere as humans; however, Drones apparently do not require air and can withstand the vacuum of space, since they can maintain Covenant warships in space.

How can they breathe air and not breathe at the same time? I'll tell you how. Drones have a small gland in their lower abdomen that they can store air in. This gland is called the -blam!- Klegchen cacafuego. This is Covenant for "exploding crap sack". After Drones have been in space, they release the remainder of stored gases in a very loud noise that is almost identical to human flatulence, unfortunately, when these gases interact with grunt methane, they can cause spectacular explosions. This being said, hundreds of grunts have lost their lives in these "exploding farts". Therefore, these can be mistaken for grenades (or in the case of Mexican food) a nuclear explosion. In one occasion a team of elites was dispatched on the Truth and Reconciliation to investigate an explosion. They found burnt drone remains, several dead grunts, and one grunt running around on fire screaming "WHAT THE JOURNEY?!?!? BUG FART AND HOUSE BLOW UP!"

In another, incident, a drone had a -blam!- Klegchen cacafuego created an explosion much too close to a brute, this was actually quite significant.


(A grunt and a drone are apparently having a...contest of sorts)

Grunt: I can make a much more disturbing smell!

Drone: Clich claick clicktickclackclack (You're on -blam!-)

(The grunt looks at a large Taco Bell burrito. A sound can be heard that is the cross between an industrial vacuum cleaners and a passionate moan and the burrito is gone)

Grunt: Here it comes!!!!!!

(A brute walks into the room. Noticing the grunt standing on a table leaning away from him)

Tartarus: (staring at the grunt in horror) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?

(A toxic purple cloud explodes into the brute's face)

Tartarus: RAAAWR WAGGAWAGGA!!! (OMFG MY EYES!!!!!!)

(The drone is so startled its' gland goes off, this instantly sets fire to the poor brute's fur)

Tartarus: YOU IDIOTSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
(The Brute slips on the Taco Bell bag and falls down a 500 foot shaft leading into the abyss)

Grunt: I win!

The result of this was that the Prophets pitied him for his fire caused baldness, and promoted him. I suppose this is how the fleabag Tartarus rose to power. Understand now? Don't worry, I don't either.

They are also used as technicians; in Halo 3, a Brute Chieftain orders them to scour human computer systems for military intelligence.

Great, use the bug with the exploding -blam!- to run the computers. Of course, Drones do use human computers and will constantly spam computers as they do people in the real world. They will usually log on to Yahoo IM or AOL with a really annoying names (Bacon Bits, Cheese Scratcher, JASON75910), gather in a room, and then spam in constantly. Sometimes for days, when one gets kicked about twenty more take its place. This angers Master Chief, who communicates using Yahoo IM (Screenname: Pimpdaddy117). To make it more annoying grunts will only spam one of three words.

SPAM

POOP

CHICKEN


I suppose this would get on anyone's nerves.

Online Host: Pimpdaddy117 has entered the room.

Pimpdaddy117: hey

Sexc Cortanna: sup

SgtJohnson: what up?

HappySarah: HIIIIIIII XD!

(Dylan): Your moms whats up.

Pimpdaddy117: nm, and all you?

SgtJohnson: pretty good

(Dylan): Your mom was pretty good.

Sexc Cortanna:: Actually you won't believe what happened to me :P

Online Host: Bacon Bits has entered the room.

Pimpdaddy117: Aw hell...

Sexc Cortanna: crap.

SgtJohnson: I hate this cracker!!!

Bacon Bits:

HappySarah: OMFG MY CHAT!!!!

Sexc Cortanna: This guy ALWAYS ruins this, at least he didn't trip on the power cord though and ruin it for everyone.

SgtJohnson: Well I'M staying. It can't get any worse than this.

Online Host: THE FLOOD has entered the room.

Online Host: A lonely 12-year old boy posing as a 21 year old body-builder has entered the room.

Ima21YearOldGuy: WANNA CYBER LADIES?!?!?

THE FLOOD: WE ARE FLOODING YOU!!! WE ARE FLOODING YOU!!! WE ARE FLOODING YOU!!! WE ARE FLOODING YOU!!! WE ARE FLOODING YOU!!!

Bacon Bits:

Sexc Cortanna: Screw this, I'm gonna go do something else.

(Dylan): Your moms gonna go do something else.

That's right, I have given up on IM completely, so stop asking for my screen name.

There is a reason for the annoyingness of drones, it seems to have some relation to their religion. They seem to worship two insect deities called Berry B. Benson and Buzz the Honeybee. Drones also view Honey Nut Cheerios as sacred.

The Drones, like the Grunts, are a conquered race that was forced into service by the Covenant. They view the Prophets as their "queens", a remnant of their former hive lifestyle.

So...these things are fricking bees. Big bees. Big bees with guns, exploding anuses, and desktop computers. Unfortunately, this is annoying to the prophet. For whenever he appears in public approximately 500 million drones will attempt to mate with him at the same time. Mainly because drones used to come from a queen, where they come from now is a mystery. Unfortunately for the prophets, this can be troublesome. There was a fourth prophet named Integrity, and a drone got its, ehem, "love organ" lodged in his chairs gravity thruster, and the pressure buildup caused a fiery and highly inappropriate explosion that showered the grunts with old dude remains. Of course, the grunts then argued and fought over the remains of the prophets chair, and an Elite took the cup holder and this all started the Grunt Rebellion.

So, what have we learned?

Drones are big bees, who live in hives and make honey when they're not spamming on AOL. Thankfully they only shoot at things that move and things that don't.

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: BRUTES: DAMN THAT SMELLS BAD

  • 11.14.2009 7:54 PM PDT
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FINALLY! A Post lol.

Thanks, I think I'll take that as you like it so far.

Problem 5: Brutes will be out when i get a couple more Posts. :)

  • 11.14.2009 8:28 PM PDT
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will you include the floo-oh wait they`re not covenant

  • 11.15.2009 4:38 AM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 5 Up]
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@ Searchbar XD . . . Possibly...:)

Anyways Heres Brutes. Enjoy =D



PROBLEM FIVE: BRUTES

Remember your thoughts when you first saw a Brute?

WTF? Chewbacca?

Yes, a moment many of you have been waiting for, the Brutes. In my opinion, are the absolute hands down most screwed up race in the Covenant. They were so stupid: they didn't even realize they were part of the Covenant until Halo 2. Then they forgot their colored uniforms until Halo 3. It's always a good idea to hire furry apes with the IQ of Rice Krispies.

As I mentioned in a previous chapter, Brutes are raised in the Chuck E. Cheese bathrooms. This is because this teaches them all they need to know about fighting humans. They learn most of this in wack a mole (it was originally wack a crab but the new laws of 2359 change that). It teaches the Brutes all knowledge they need. Hold a big hammer and smash the living hell out of small annoying objects. Employees at the restaurant were slightly frustrated when they smash through the machine with a Gravity Hammer. Then, if they had a bad day, they would throw spike grenades at the Chuck E. Cheese gang animatronics, and sometimes eat them.

Unfortunately, most of the Grunts were harmed by this training. As several Brutes (actually all) will occasionally lash their Gravity Hammer in every direction sending Grunts flying. One Brute tried to befriend a Grunt, but it did not work out very well...

Brute: WEE HEE! I will call you George! I will love you, and pet you, and feed you...

Grunt: (struggling to talk through being squeezed) I...WILL....KILL...YOU!!!

Brute: And I'll get to tend the rabbits.

(The Brute then hugs the Grunt and his entrails fly out his rear into a pile on the ground)

(The Brute takes no notice)

Brutes are, as most of you said, very dumb apes. So dumb in fact, they are easily distracted by objects such as light bulbs, lava lamps, and plasma grenades. In fact, Tartarus brought a force of over 200 million Brutes to Earth, and when they all unloaded in a massive force. They forgot what they had come for and went home to eat Cookie dough and watch SpongeTron (SpongeBob's replacement).

Brutes in general are fat and ugly. Also, they can become bald as a result of the Drones cacafuego gland. This is in the case of Tartarus, who was the most retarded of all the Brutes. He was presented with his "proof" in Halo 2, but didn't see the truth. Naturally, I would've found a crueler way to dispose of him. Arbiter, these are what you should've done:

Tell him that a Plasma Sword is a strawberry ice cream cone.

Set Fire to his head and wait for him to say, "What's cooking?"

Force him to ride a Brute Chopper with a care bear pulling...WAIT HOLD UP!

[b]BRUTE CHOPPER:
Created by Brutes, who are usually too retarded to use them, usually, they mistake the cannons for blenders. I had no idea Brutes even had intelligence until Halo 3. I originally thought they were Wookie like, and lived on some remote forested planet. You can usually find one gnawing on the control panel of the Chopper. Idiots. The Brute Chopper isn't very safe. Mainly because, the Choppers fly have some...technical flaws.

Brute: WAGGGHHH!!!!!

(He crashes his vehicle into a newsstand, Shopping Mall, Hot Topic, and Hello Kitty Store)

Grunt: BRAKE!!! YOU'LL HIT THE TREE!!!!

Brute: TREES ARE MY BRAKES!!!!

Now for official facts.

They are covered in a thick, shaggy fur that may offer further protection. It covers most of the body except for the head and the shoulder blades. Brutes exhibit two colorations: brown and grey. This is perhaps an indication of age, since lower ranking Brutes are brown and Honor Guard Brutes and Tartarus himself are grey.


HAHAHA. No. This fur is FLAMMABLE. Trust me, very flammable. You see, Brutes usually have to fight adorable, cuddly animatronic animals in Chuck E. Cheeses You see, because of the "Anti -blam!- Security Enhancements" made on these lovable creatures in 2073, these cuddly animals now throw Napalm and Molotov cocktails at -blam!-s. Large shaggy 500lb creatures are apparently listed under a -blam!- category and these eternally burning flames burns a brute fur until it is black or grey. We all know what happened to Tartarus.

When it comes to ranged conflict Brutes show a tendency to use large, rapid firing, often powerful weapons. This may be indicative of their mentality and an extension of their brutal nature.

No, this is because they're retarded. The Prophets made them a grenade launcher that fires like, fifty grenades at once and Brutes still manage to miss. Sometimes, they use Brute launchers to play mini golf (I don't know how this happens either) and this is why grunts don't like going inside tiny holes. That and the odd chance a hole is mistaken for a brute latrine.

Brutes are by no means as stupid as they appear, and are often cunning tacticians. As such they can pilot vehicles, ships and command both land based and fleet encounters with strategic competence, if lacking in artistic flair.

Of course! No human engineers would possibly think of making a large, bulky vehicle that uses trees for brakes and sounds like a dying elephant seal. Obviously, the artistic flair is that of a two year old. Since Brutes are the only species that manages to destroy their vehicle completely by walking by it. Also, if they think humans are so stupid and pathetic, why did they make copies of our shotguns and Warthogs?

I also found this neat fact about Brutes.

The word "Jiralhanae" is a Korean swear word meaning something in the league of a "stupid aggressive lunatic"

Isn't that the truth?

In general, there's not much you can find good in Brutes. They have been tried to be calmed down by a variety of sources including: stimulants, pills, injections, Oprah Winfrey, and Jerry Springer. In fact, the last is why Brutes hate Elites.

Jerry: So...tell me what the problem is.

Tartarus: (sobbing) He made fun of me. Im not stupid! IM NOT STUPID! IM VERY SPECIAL!!! THAT'S WGHAT TEACHUR SAID!!! THASTS WHAT TEACHUR SAID...

Arbiter: He is obviously mentally slow. He can't even spell teacher right or insert apostrophes when he talks.

Tartarus: Hooked on Fernics!! Worked fer me!!

Jerry: When did this all start?

Arbiter: Well...the foolish ape had originally said that he would make me and my Sanghelli brethren Toaster Strudels.

Jerry: What happened?

Arbiter: (painfully.) He blew up Beta Halo.

Tartarus: (leaps out of chair) IM SICK OF YOU!!! STUPID SUSHI FACE!!!!

Arbiter: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME BABY KONG?!?!?!?!

Tartarus: (dancing) SUSHI FACE!!! SUSHI FACE! HEHEHEHEHE!!!!

Arbiter: (pulls a large salmon out of his pocket and begins beating Tartarus) DIE YOU STUPID EXCUSE FOR A LUMP!!!!

(A large brawl ensues, with several security guards pulling them apart)

Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

All the while, Spartan 117 witnessed all this, his only comment was,

"Jerry Springer is Dr. Phil for white trash. And Covenant."

This phrase is still used today. Well, in the future today. Kind of...

What have we learned? The Seven Rules of Brute safety.

ONE: ALWAYS CARRY M&Ms OR ANOTHER SUGARY TREAT.

TWO: NEVER, EVER, MENTION CHEWBACCA.

THREE: ALWAYS CARRY A PHOTOGRAPH OF ELMO.

FOUR: REMEMBER THEIR HARD UPBRINGING. NEVER ASK FOR TOKENS OR TICKETS.

FIVE: TOASTER STRUDELS EQUAL GOOD. POP TARTS EQUAL BAD.

SIX: ALL ELITES SUCK. SAY THAT CONSTANTLY

SEVEN (and most important): FOR GODS SAKE NO FERRETS.

That's everything I suppose. I supposed I did skip over their dental plan and such. You can tell that's not backed well.

TUNE INTO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: ELITES: THE LEAST SCREWED UP


[Edited on 11.15.2009 11:47 AM PST]

  • 11.15.2009 11:22 AM PDT
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Come on Peoples, More Comments!



PROBLEM SIX: ELITES

Truthfully, elites are not all that messed up. They're physically and biologically superior to humans in every way (except the missing finger, but, even then they have two thumbs per hand). You see it's not the Elites that have problems with the Covenant. It's the Covenant that has problems with them!

You see, unfortunately for our tall sushi faced friends, they are usually the target of practical jokes. Sometimes, very annoying ones usually by Grunts.

Grunt: (walks about to Elite snickering) Hi...

Elite: Why are you painted yellow?

Grunt: (snickering) Hi..SQUIDWARD!!!!!

Elite: WHY YOU UNNGOY SLIME!!!! FIRST YOU ALLY WITH THE BRUTES AND NOW THIS?!?!?!

(A Brute pained pink with a cone on his head runs by in the background laughing)

Elite: GRRRRRRRR... (grabs a drone, shoves a burrito down its throat, and throws it at Grunt)

Grunt: AHHHHHHH!!!

(boom)

Once again...Poor squid things. Now for official facts.

They have a quadruple hinged jaw, with an upper jaw and four mandibles lined with sharp, pointed teeth: because of this unique mouth, the human Marines in Halo give them nicknames like "split lip", "split chin", or "squidhead".

Took them long enough! Though I could've though up much better names and insults!

Some examples of insulting names for Covenant:

Grunts:

Walking Turd

Fricking Shroom

Leprechaun

Schmoradorf ( Shh morf (morph) uh dorf) Meaning: Midget

Toad

Fart Breather

Toast Envier

Lawn Gnomes

Jackals:

Dingo

Chihuahua

Rolf

Chitters

Buttons


Drones:

Bugger

Fly

Chair Humper

They (Like I said, ALWAYS plural)

Flame Farts

Toot Toots

Inferno Ass

Brutes:

Baby Kong

Dunstan

George

Chucky (NEVER ACTUALLY SAY)

Hairy

Filthy

Smelly

Fur Nipple


Elites:

Splitlip

Squidward

Sushi face

Nodeck (say five times faster)

Rainbow Ass (it doesn't apply but its funny)

-blam!-


Prophets:

Chair Jockey

World of Warcraft Noob (explain in next chapter)

Hax0r

Froob

Old Bag

Fricking yoda

Trout Player

Chair Humper (also applicable to Drones)


Please remember to shout these at passing Covenant. Also, I take NO responsibility whatsoever for whatever may happen because of YOUR stupidity. Of course, there are all sorts of things you could say.

Elites are known to be very religious, and fight off the hierarch's enemies with great zeal.

BOOM! That was a huge problem. Why you ask? An Elite has to say a freaking 20 minute long prayer before he takes a crap. In fact, Elites have a schedule for praying to forerunners.

Prayer Moments

Before taking a crap

Before Meals

During Meals

Before passing the potatoes

After passing the potatoes

After the meal

During Dessert

Before taking an even bigger crap than before

During Weapons Training

Whenever Spongebob (or SpongTron) blows a bubble.

Whenever the Dolphins can't make a play.

During intercourse.

After realizing they really can't have intercourse.

(They might have ways I don't wanna know)

After realizing I doesnt want to know something

(they all just prayed now)

During a Rosie O'Donnel Rant (We should all say a prayer)

And finally, during Wenis Ball.

Why is this you ask? "Because they worship the Forerunner" NO! Not all of them worship Forerunners, well, actual Forerunners. Let me explain.

ORIGIN OF THE HALOS

If you've ever seen "The Little Toaster Goes to Mars" you must understand a large portion was changed in the animation. You see, the toaster never came back: he and his friends were caught in an ion storm and sent thousands of years into the past on planet Sanghelios. There, the Sanghelli worshipped them as gods. In return, the toaster gave them access to plasma weaponry technology and eventually, faster than light space travel.

All was going nice for the metal little dictator, until the Great Plunging releasing the flood (explained in Chapter Eight: WTF Resident Evil?). (Hint Hint)

This caused the toaster and his minions whom he called sentimentals, (because he valued them so, but somehow humans translated it as sentinels. Go figure) to try and fight the Flood. This didn't work right, and the toaster began construction of a giant orbital toaster that would shoot flaming Pop Tarts of death the size of Jupiter at Flood infested planets. He code named this project H.A.P.L.O. (Huge Ass Pastry Lobbing Orbitacannon).

Unfortunately, he was never finished constructing it, so decided to build a giant microwave instead called HAPLO 2. He was never satisfied with the food trays though, as they all had a large hole in the middle and were covered in fungus. He discarded seven of these before he finally made his Microwave o Doom. He then turned it on, vaporizing himself and the Flood, though Sanghelios was protected by some sort of Pillsbury Shield. Meanwhile, the seven unfinished rings floated through earth, and when the Covenant was formed and would find them later and simply called it Halo because a smudge of dirt covered the P.

So, in this new light, billions of beings across the universe worship a mentally unstable toaster.

So I know what you're thinking. What exactly do the fricking rings do? Well, they still have a large amount of microwave radiation in them, and this power was harnessed by a now extinct race of super intelligent gerbils, whose leader was called Four Paw, and his people Fourpawers. They did manage to turn these into weapons, they would simply create a giant sunflower seed that would be constructed out of the ring itself, then the seed would fly into a star and a giant fricking sunflower would take up all the space in the universe. In the meantime, it was a giant hamster wheel and when the ancient Prophets saw them, they saw these hairy beasts running using only their fore paws, and called them Forerunners.

Of course, I'm getting angry calls from Sanghelli right now calling me "heretic" and "Demon". Guess what? LIVE WITH IT!

Moving on!

Why do Elites hate Brutes and vice versa? This contributed to downfall of the Covenant. Yes, we know about the Toaster Strudel... AND THAT'S EXACTLY IT!

On a genetic level, Elites know Pop Tarts are better. For some reason, Brutes like strudels more which to the Elites genetic code, symbolizes a threat against a now dead toaster dictator.

That and Brutes smell bad.

I mean really bad.

Like, seriously freaking bad.

Like, a 2,000 year old outhouse that was lit on fire and then dumped on the New Jersey turnpike and extinguished with hot dogs.

Even worse, spray air freshener and it smells like someone crapped in a pine tree.

Anyways, in conclusion. Elites have great weapons, skills, and intelligence. Even though they are prayed upon and worship toasters.

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER! THE ONE YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! (Well At Least the Ones That ARE Reading this.)

PROPHETS: THE BIG ENCHILADA OF THE COVENANT TACO BELL


[Edited on 11.15.2009 12:28 PM PST]

  • 11.15.2009 12:27 PM PDT

-eddy!
huh! What? It was the other guy, honest! ;)
'it was a sniper!' looks down at my sniper
uhh yeah? hes got one too. XD

LMFAO! this is brilliant! keep it up cant wait for the next part :)

  • 11.15.2009 2:31 PM PDT

KillaGod is my alternate Bungie.net account with my Gamertag linked to that account!

Ty92PrideFireZ is my new alternate account with my new and permanent Gamertag linked to that account.

HAHAHAHA, love these!

  • 11.15.2009 3:47 PM PDT

Wow, this is by far the funniest stuff that I have ever read! I see the Covenant in a whole new way...

  • 11.15.2009 8:07 PM PDT
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Thanks for the Comments Guys. :) 3 In a Day. Thats a Record. :)

Anyways Here ThePhrophets
(Two Parts)



Problem Seven: Phrophets

Now, to complete the idiocy of the Covenant force, we now face the head honchos, the big enchiladas, the Donald Trump.

AKA:The Prophets

Now, not only are these three chair humping Yodas corrupt liars, they're also complete idiots. Well not stupid parse, more like incompetent. Let's go back to the first Human/Covenant interaction.

You see, the Covenant had become a strong race that had somehow (mostly Elite leadership) wiped out and enslaved other races. As their space faring empire expanded, the three Prophets set their sights on the humans.

How did the Prophets know about humans before the others? Three words: World of Warcraft.

That's right! I myself do not play, nor do I plan on playing, World of Warcraft. You see, not only do you have to pay the monthly fees: you must eventually sell them your SOUL. Err, I mean: social life, but enough about that. To explain it, World of Warcraft crates an online time displacement paradox, which in short means you can play with people who haven't been born, or have been dead. That's right! You just might be able to kill the prophets if you play!

Still, nobody really knows how the Covenant got a hold of it. Most people (myself included) believe that they sent several Jackals into a Wal Mart at around 3:00am where they would blend in with the locals. They then bought some games, and ate the clerk's head. The Prophets are OBSSESED with World of Warcraft, how obsessed? I'll show you.

Prophet Status Before Covenant Invasion

Mercy: (XxLegolasxX): Level 60 Troll Warlock

Truth: (HaMePwnYou): Level 60 Gnome Assassin

Regret: (KyleEmo): Level 59 Undead Warrior (He regrets not leveling up)

The three prophets spent nearly all of their time sitting in their gaming chairs playing World of Warcraft, more obsessed with it than Cartman could dream. They would never leave for anything, until their feet eventually became mush. As they played, they kept getting pwned by these filthy human teenagers, and so the three geezers got more and more angry. Especially when one human (Leeroy Jenkins) shouted very loudly at them over an intercom and one of the prophets became so frightened his nuts now hang off his chin. This severe addiction caused some serious problems in the Covenant.

Elite Commander: My lords! The Unggoy have rebelled!

Prophets: (tapping at keyboard) Uh huh...

Elite Commander: My lords! They've set fire to the Taco Bell!

Prophets: (tapping at keyboard) Uh huh...

Elite Commander: My lords! They're launching tacos out the orbital cannons!

Prophets: (still tapping away) Uh huh...

Elite Commander: MY LORDS!!!!

Truth: (death sound on monitor) Great, I'm in the graveyard! What's soooo important?

Elite Commander: STOP THE UNNGOY MY LORDS!

Mercy: Sure...Sure. After I level up.

Elite Commander: I beg you to stop them NOW!

Regret: Ummmm... HERETIC! Guards, throw him into the Taco Bell!

Elite Commander: THEY BURNED IT!

Truth: (battle sounds on computer) Whatever, I'll get divine inspiration of how to punish you with fast food.

(A Divine symbol appears over Truth's head)

Elite Commander: My lords? Is that the divine symbol?

Mercy: Kinda. He's thinking Arby's.

Obviously, you can't blame them. A Prophet's chair is the ULTIMATE gaming computer. It also had several hotkeys for attack combos, pizza delivery, a TV remote, and a button to burn heretics. In today's standards, the keyboard on it could not only kick Bill Gate's ass, it could also files his taxes simultaneously. After the war, many scientists at Microsoft tried to reverse engineer it to become the Xbox 4962, but they failed. They probably failed because the computers ran on power sources not available to humans, mostly burnt heretics.

BUT! That does not mean the chairs didn't have...technical difficulties.

Truth: (tapping on keyboard) Sever Artery....Minus 20 damage. Stack twice...

(The chair then throws the prophet off onto the ground)

Truth: What the??!?

(The computer monitor on the chair turns green and it begins to spin around at 360 degrees projectile vomiting green stuff, laughing manically)

Truth: GET ME AN OLD PRIEST AND A YOUNG PRIEST!

Today, we see this as foolish. As everyone knows that if Windows Vista gets possessed, it vomits in a variety of colors. That, and even 200 Catholic Priests, 10 Rabbis, and the Pope can't possibly control Windows Vista.

Even though possessed, the chairs kept the prophets occupied for hundreds of years, which annoyed players. Because the old geezers spent most of the time having conversations with empty threats.

HaMePwnYou: Haha! Nooooobs:P

HarryLovesMe: Wtf. Stop killing us you -blam!-.

Jake: I'm new.

LordXTREME: Dude, your waaaaay too good. How old are you?

HaMePwnYou: I am over three hundred Earth years.

LordXTREME: :o.........

Jake: How do I walk?

HarryLovesMe: Omfg. Pwn you farging nerd.

CorbyCannon: HAHAHA! He's a pedo!

XxLegolasxX: STFU! I'm older than him!

LordXTREME: It must be game day at the senior center XD!

HarryLovesMe: ROFL

HaMePwnYou: YOU WILL BURN UNDER OUR CANNONS WORMS!

CorbyCannon: Whatever! I'll bet he's a Trekkie too lolz.

LordXTREME: ROFL

HarryLovesMe: lmao

Jake: HOW DO I FREAKING PLAY?!?!?!

KyleEmo: Why does it rain on sad days?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

  • 11.15.2009 11:40 PM PDT
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Eventually, the Prophets learned something miraculous in the 26th century, something players told them for years, but refused to believe. There was an EXPANSION PACK! That's right! The Burning Crusade Expansion drove the Covenant to attack mankind. That's why I encourage all of you to dump it and play Halo 3 on Live.

Of course, as much as I'd like to blame human's near extinction solely on World of Warcraft, I can't. There are many other reasons too. Mainly because they really didn't understand humanity all too much.

Here are some of the highlights of Covenant misinformation:

Walt Disney was a Gundam Warlord in the Roman Empire

Michael Jackson is a line of clothing at JC Penny

Almost all humans turn on a demon box to worship their god called Simon Cowell. If the god is displeased with the praises, it banishes them to a door going to Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

The NFL is an anti Covenant organization ruled by a large sweaty man named Al

Kanye West is the West side of Kanye, Italy.

A Wii is a device to mind control children. (True, but still...)

Adolf Hitler is a sugary breakfast cereal with -blam!- shaped marshmallow bits

Austin Powers was the lead singer for Blink 182

UNSC Marines are currently working on using a new type of grenade that releases a creature called a "Pokemon"

50 Cent is a candy bar

(And of course) Spartans are demons

These misconceptions caused the Prophets to want to:

A: See if the humans were really that crazy

B: Get some more Online Games

And C: See if Earth was flammable


So the Covenant gathered their war fleet and sailed towards the human worlds. It was also very intriguing to them personally because they got way better internet connection out there too. It seemed that the Covenant were flying towards a golden age. Even though the jump they made destroyed whatever place they were before. They then made contact with the humans and began aggressive negotiations. By contact, I mean turbo fire and by aggressive negotiations I mean glassing.

Now for the "official" Intel (Though you all know I'm much more credible).

The High Prophets or Hierarchs are the supreme leaders of the theocratic Covenant. Upon assuming office, each Hierarch picks a new regal name from a list of names of former Hierarchs, similar to the practice of Catholic Popes.

Heh, so it turns out that these guys pick a new name. Though Catholics are a pretty bad comparison. I'm not Catholic, but I really don't think the Pope would send a janitor into a pit of eternal flame for failing to pick up a potato chip.

During the course of Halo 2, Regret attacks Earth, then retreats. There, he calls for reinforcements, but is killed by the Master Chief. Later, Mercy is attacked by the Flood on High Charity and abandoned by Truth.

Sad...Sad deaths of the Prophets. To think that Regret was just about to get level 70 (Yes, they did get the Burning Crusade before they died). It seems these guys names are pretty hypocritical.

Mercy: Had people killed and tortured.

Regret: Constantly wants to kill humanity, and attack Earth without regret.

Truth: Lied to the Covenant about everything. Including the cost of Zebra Cakes.

Preliminary designs for the Prophets, including the Hierarchs, were done by artist Shi Kai Wang

Like anything is going to look good if it's made by a guy named Wang.

According to The Art of Halo, the Prophets were designed to look feeble, yet sinister

They are pretty feeble. It's only the chair that's dangerous. As we all could see in Halo 3, Truth needs a serious pedicure. Who could imagine one of these guys with athletes foot? Oh god, I don't want to know. (OMFG An Elite somewhere just prayed!)

Originally, the Prophets appeared to be fused to the special hovering thrones they use for transport: even in the final designs, the Prophets are made to be dependant on their technology.

You mean dependant on WOW. Sure, they could sit in a chair all day, doing what? Even more disgusting, sometimes Regret would be "fused" to his chair when no one was looking. The sick bastards...In fact, if it weren't for those chairs they probably wouldn't survive. Imagine seeing Truth on Survivor...

(Truth is laying face down on a sandy beach, pretending to type with a keyboard made of a wooden plank. With seashells and pebbles for keys)

Truth: Must...find...technology.

Truth then crawls towards the ocean, where he is attacked by vicious sea turtles)

Truth: AAHHHHHHHH!!!!

(He then runs (crawls fast) into the forest, where he is later eaten by Amish people for the Arbor Day Feast)

Special headresses, stylized differently for each of the Hierarchs, adds personality to the aliens and a regal presence

Just great, so if I wear a turban, I guess that means my personality changes. That because people probably wouldn't trust me near Airports or KFC.

On a final note, did anyone else notice that Truth sounds like a 90 year old Scottish drunk in Halo 3? Heh.


TUNE IN TO THE LAST OF THE RACE CHAPTERS: THE FLOOD: IT'S NOT A ZOMBIE RIP OFF

  • 11.15.2009 11:46 PM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

*laughed so hard it hurts*

  • 11.16.2009 12:20 PM PDT

All our dreams come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.
The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.

Posted by: Harlow
Davey is beyond any shadow of a doubt that red haired F-Blam!- tryhard that would always keep you from seeing the Deku Tree.


[16:45] kalriq: because you're a living legend --<3

My gut hurts from laughing. *Saved*

  • 11.16.2009 2:55 PM PDT
Subject: [story] Why The Covenant Lost This War (Chapter Two is Up!)
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No matter how many seals are killed by sharks a year, it never seems to be enough :D

I just read jackals. That was hilarious. This is really really original. I've never seen anything like it.

  • 11.16.2009 3:18 PM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 7 Up]
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Thanks Guys.

Thanks For Saving it. Heres the Last Chapter.

Get Ready for some "Rappin" Gravemind and a Little Surprise at the End that will make you Pee your Pants with Delight.

Thats Right. WITH DELIGHT. Please, no other Reasons.

(This Chapter is a Surprising 3 Parts!!!!!!. WOAH!)



PROBLEM EIGHT: THE FLOOD

Of course, a major flaw in the Covenant war machine, were the Flood. Known to the Forerunners as "Heyy Whada Crappis", these brainless fools are quite a pain in the

Covenant (and everyone else's) side.

The Covenant and the Flood are mortal enemies, though the covenant were stupid enough to release them in Halo One, though the tag on the door clearly said "Do

Not Disturb". That's because the nature of the Flood is like a eating a gas station burrito. It always returns for revenge, usually years later.

Though the Covenant and Flood had their differences, they finally agreed on one thing in Halo 3: The only thing grunts are good for is exploding. In all the previous

games, you'd be running around killing everything that moves, when you'd suddenly stop. What appears to be a deformed leprechaun is stalking towards you. When

you get closer to investigate, it explodes sending little schmorfadorf infectors all over the place. I remember when I was stupid, and the first time I played "The Library"

was on Legendary.

Me: (armed with a magnum) Ha! This crap is easy!

(A red dot appears on the radar)

Me: Pffffftttt....no problem.

(Seven million more dots appear on the radar)

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!

(Infectors pour out of the vents, doors, and toilets)

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!

(The Spartan guns down several infectors before being swarmed by a pile of infectors)

Me: HELP ME YOU FOOL!!!!

Guilty Spark: (humming "Do You Like Waffles" floating along)

(A Carrier walks by, and explodes)

(I die under a pile of swarming infectors)

Guilty Spark: Do you like waffles?!?

Random Children: Yeah we like waffles!

Guilty Spark: Do you like pancakes?

Random Kiddies: Yeah we like pancakes!!

Flood: (gurgling) No...

(Thousands of sentinels burn the flood, which they could've done all along)

What ticks me off the most about this is that 343 had a freaking electrical cannon in Halo 3. But he didn't help me before...But let's not get off topic.

Why was this thorn in the Covenant's side? Because the Flood were better at using grunts and just about everything else in their crazy arsenal. Mainly because they

would explode for no apparent reason, or just if the Flood leader was bored. The Covenant copied this tactic in Halo 3 on legendary, where virtually every grunt is a

kamikaze armed with plasma grenades. They must've learned this knowledge after hacking the short lived Flood computer. No human has really seen it, or even heard

of it until now. That, and only one grunt in history has ever communicated with the Flood's first computer.

Gravemind: Ask me questions, don't be absurd. Or I'll flush you, like a little turd.

Grunt: Okay, Okay. Let me ask your computer flood thingy some questions... How many different power rangers are there?

Computer: Seventeen

Grunt: AWESOME! Okay....Okay. If the entire collection of poop I've ever pooped was made into a wall 5 feet high and 3 feet wide, how long would it be?

Computer: 3.26 miles

Grunt: COOL!!

Gravemind: You fool! You're ripping my mind with shears! Are you stupider than Britney Spears?

Grunt: I have another question! Why is there a 300 version for EVERYTHING?

Computer: Because it's cool...

Grunt: Wait Wait Wait! If Tupac was shot in 1993, how come he still makes albums?

Computer: He is a zombie. Always was.

Gravemind: ... ...

Grunt: Speaking of rappers, why does Gravemind always talk in rhyme?

Computer: Gravemind lacks neural capacity to speak in anything but poetic linguistics.

Gravemind: I actually am a rapper, my name's Dr. Prune Just wait till my album, comes out in June

Grunt: Okay last question! Is there a giant Cabbage Patch Kid inside Gravemind and if there is, and it's scented, does that make him fruity?

(The Grunt is crushed by a large vine tentacle thingy)

Computer: Possibly...

(The computer is crushed by a large tentacle thingy)

Gravemind: If my annoyance is taken up a notch. Then the midget gets it, IN THE CROTCH!

After that day, Gravemind became the center of Flood knowledge, and fused with several entities. Including:

Ronald McDonald

Bill Gates

Executives at 20th Century Fox Entertainment

The Prophet of Regret

The Entire Cast of Friends

Cartman

Green Day

Hilary Clinton (though it's widely believed that she actually absorbed HIM)


* * * * *



[Edited on 11.16.2009 9:37 PM PST]

  • 11.16.2009 9:20 PM PDT
Subject: [story] Why The Covenant Lost This War (Chapter Two is Up!)
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* * * * *

Now I probably have you wondering this. Where the Flood come from? What exactly are they? I will now reveal the secret.

The Origin of the Flood

The origin of this nasty species takes place millions of years ago, when all was peaceful in the universe. Where there were no wars, fights, Abercrombie stores, or Honda Dealership radio ads (Actually, there still were Honda ads, these have been broadcasted to Earth from the planet of evil men wearing polyester sports coats since the beginning of time. But there was no way to receive them without radios) So all was peaceful.

Then a large being (probably Tartarus) clogged a toilet after
having a Mexican Burrito cooked by. He then, wielding his flaming plunger of chaos, unclogged the toilet but forgot to flush. Thus, a small fungus began to grow on the
seat.

The fungus then crawled to the large microwave being constructed by the hamster gerbil things, and hid in it for warmth. Then when the tray (AKA Delta Halo) was
released, the fungus was on it.

Thus, the flood was born! This event is universally known as the Great Plunging.

The fungus eventually gained some sort of intelligence, and because it was so fricking creepy (Grave) and basically just a big know it all (Mind) he became known as Gravemind. It then, using its supernatural powers, reached into the future and got a copy of Doom: The Movie. Realizing how bad the acting was, it picked up a copy of
resident evil instead (At a Blockbuster in Oklahoma and watched it. Since he thought it was so good, he decided he wanted his own zombies.)

First, he tried using TV channels like Nickelodeon to convert innocent children of men to his will, but eventually realized no one watched Oswald. He realized he needed another way.

So, using an unholy mixture of evil, hate, beans, Kool Aid, and human souls, he created. . . ZOMBIE JUICE. Actually it was called something religious like Tab or

something...But that doesn't matter!

Gravemind's addiction to horror movies allowed him to steal ideas without copyrighting them, so he was able to create small jellyfish like beings known only as "infectors". He was pleased with his land squids, but realized they needed a host to remain safe. Grunts were the perfect targets, and were deemed to be "Carriers" of the infectors.

Also, these Flood possessed corpses are way smarter than other zombies. Mainly because most Combat Forms know how to use firearms and vehicles. Though most
Covenant weaponry is pretty useless in the first place, it could still be very effective.

They're also quite skilled in hand to hand combat (the non exploding ones anyways). Most are increased with super human (and, er, super alien) speed and strength.

What's extremely entertaining to watch is a combat form and a jackal attempt to gnaw on each other's skull. This highly angered the Covenant, as the only creatures they possessed that could gnaw on the skulls of enemies were Jackals and Doberman Gators. They were even angrier when they realized that the gators were left out of all the Halo games, and instead fled to Brazil and formed a church honoring Steve Irwin.

So Gravemind was deemed unquestionable leader. I still find it funny that a race of undead alien parasites are led by a rhyming plant. Though this rhyming plant had some sense of dignity, as he helped Master Chief and the Arbiter (somewhat) in Halo 2 and 3.

How bad does it have to be that an "advanced alien civilization" has no sense of dignity, and a FREAKING ZOMBIE RAPPER PLANT DOES?!?

Now for some "official" facts:

The Flood are depicted as having a complicated lifecycle: small, base forms of Flood infect and mutate hosts into other forms, which ultimately repeat the cycle by spawning the smaller forms. The largest self contained form that the Flood can produce itself, without using other biomasses, is an "Infection form". As its name suggests, the Infection form homes in on hosts (living or dead), attempting to drive sharp spines into the host and tap into the nervous system. This tap causes the host to be incapacitated, while the Infection form burrows into the host's body and begins the mutation process, bringing the host under Flood on the size or condition of the body, the Infection form mutates the hapless host into various specialized forms in the continual drive for more food.

In other words, little spiders turn people into zombies. Some zombies explode to make more spiders. Then they eat people. Gross.

The Flood are also seen to create forms for tasks other than finding sustenance. In Halo: Combat Evolved, the Flood create "Brain forms": these spongy creatures, resembling a large bag of flesh with tentacles, can be used to interrogate victims, stripping information from the mind of the host before eventually assimilating the host into itself entirely. In the Halo novel Flood are seen piling dead matter together in order to form a Gravemind this form serves as a central intelligence for the infection, and is first encountered in Halo 2.

Of course, there has to be a brain bug. We all remember poor Keyes which was just SICK. Of course, having all Flood commanders named Gravemind is pretty weird. Does that mean of Russia's leaders have to be NAMED Kremlin?

In Halo, the Flood appear in three main forms. The largest hosts, namely humans and Covenant Elites are turned by the Infection forms into "Combat forms", which are described as extremely powerful and resilient warriors. Combat forms are able to resist extreme punishment while utilizing either the weapons of their hosts or the long, whip like tentacles developed during their mutation. If a host is unsuitable for combat it will mutate into a "Carrier form", which transports and spreads more Infection forms. The upper body of Carrier form swells into a bulbous sac while the legs remain intact. When it moves close enough to a potential host, the Carrier form explodes like a grenade, both releasing its contents and killing anything within range.

Woot! Gun wielding zombies with kamikaze oompa loompas! You're either killed or turned into one of them! Look's like these guys had their bases covered. Extremely disgusting, but very efficient. Obviously, "Grenade" is an understatement. Because grenades don't unleash a flurry of undead squirrels all over the place...



The Flood appear in Halo 3 with new abilities and forms. A new, mutable Flood combat form appears, called the "Pure Form." Depending on the situation, these forms can mutate into even more specialized types. According to Bungie, these creatures are formed when the Flood gain access to large enough stocks of calcium, which it uses to form a framework for biomass collected from other species.

Now they were a joy to fight weren't they? That proves one thing for everyone (especially kids). Calcium is in milk. So milk makes you big and strong....

OR POSSIBLY INTO A GIANT MUTATABLE BIOMASS!

  • 11.16.2009 9:27 PM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 8 Up]
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SAS Halo 3

* * * * *

Now to learn about our favorite plant:

Unlike the mindless 'zombie' nature of most Flood, Gravemind is intelligent and cunning: the Flood intelligence lyrically speaks in iambic pentameter.

Heh. He's a poetry geek. I'll bet everyone pushed him into a locker at least once.

The Gravemind is composed of rotting corpses and biomatter(Didn't notice THAT), and towers nearly eighty meters high as seen in Halo 2. Gravemind resembles a large Venus Flytrap with many tentacles, but is capable of movement and linguistic communication via its large mouth formed from overlapping fleshy 'leaves'. Though an animal, the Gravemind's somewhat plantlike appearance has drawn comparisons to Audrey II from the 1986 film little shop of horros due to the "swarms of sinuous tentacles" about a central mouth.

That leaves room to improvise...

80's Store Owner: What a radical day!

(He spies a small plant in a pot)

Store Owner: Groovy a plant!

Gravemind: Put me down, you hippy fool

Or I'll make you a zombie, one that drools

Store Owner: You can talk too?!?! FAR OUT!

(The store owner leaves for the night and comes back when Gravemind is at full size)

Store Owner: Whoooa coooool!

Gravemind: GRRRRRRRRR

BRRRRRRRRR

(Gravemind then teleports the owner into High Charity, where he is inevitably eaten by Jackals)

(The Jackals later get the munchies)

Driven by a desire to spread, Gravemind is cunning and manipulative: he forges alliances as often as he tries to consume his allies, tricking the Master Chief into aiding him while infecting the Chief's compatriots at the same time.

Duh, who's really going to trust a cunning and manipulative plant? ZOMBIES DON'T HELP PEOPLE. Neither do plants! So remember kids:

Don't Eat Vegetables!

Drink Milk!

Don't smoke Gravemind!


So we now know why the Flood were a problem in the Covenant. It still leaves a lot unexplained. Like the fact that a random drop ship full of Flood gets by Covenant defenses in Halo 2 and crashes in High Charity. Probably because of...technical difficulties.

Grunt: (talking to drunk Elite Commander) We're out of ammo sir!

Commander: Whatja mean we're Hic outta ammo. I thought we oozed lasurs...hic.

Grunt: The only thing we have left is human ammo...

Commander: WELL FIRE THE hic FREAKING SANDWHICH CONDIMENTS AND SILVERWEAR hic THEN! And get me some Funions...

Grunt: What are Funions?

Commander: THEN GET ME PRING hic GLES!

Grunt: But what about the ammo, we don't have enough condiments?

Comm(Hic)ander: Fine...we'll just hic have to launch out cereal boxes and grunt poop then...

(The Commander passes out and lands on the remote ejection seat for the Truth's chair)

Meanwhile...

Truth: (tapping away) NOW! FINISH THIS! Yo Momma..is so stupid.. she thought a quarterback was change! HA! BURN! 10,000 DAMAGE!!!

(Truth is launched out of his chair screaming. He propels across High Charity, going through several walls and stores. He lands in front of Tartarus, who is eating out of a bag marked KFC)

Truth: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

Tartarus: (Mouth full of cheese nips and muskrat skulls) MMPFHF?!?

Truth: YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL YOU DO IT!!!

Tartarus: (gulp) NO! PLEASE MY LORD! KILL ME!! Do not shame me...

Truth: DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE YOU WORM!!!

Of course, this isn't all that happened that you don't know about, for one thing Truth had WAY better Yo Momma jokes..

You see, Gravemind helped Master Chief only under one condition, he'd have to train another Spartan to face a warrior of evil in a game of extreme skill and power.

AKA Ping Pong. Surprisingly, Chief used a different kind of Spartan...

(A Spartan warrior holds a ping pong paddle, across from him is a bald man with many piercings. Master Chief and Gravemind watch from the sidelines)

(The Spartan hits the ball, and it bounces completely backwards)

Leonidas: That's my point.

(The other man, with a nametag reading Xerxes, sneers)

Xerxes: Bull crap! That is against table tennis!

Leonidas: (after a dramatic pause) Table Tennis? THIS. . . IS . . . PING PONG!!!

(The warrior dropkicks Xerxes into the pit of death)

So, thanks to the movie 300, the Flood helped save humans and virtually destroyed themselves in the end. Thanks to the "Forerunner and his children", though I doubt Master Chief is related to gerbils in any way. Boy, I just realized it'd be really creepy having Master Chief for a father.

(A small boy holding an ice cream cone cries in a Warthog while Master Chief is driving over grunts and Jackals)

Boy: That's not fair! It's just NOT FAIR!

(The small child throws out his ice cream cone, where it lodges in the engine of a large Wraith. The Wraith explodes and several grunts crawl from the wreckage shaking their fists at him)

Boy: But I hate pistachio!

Chief: (holding back anger) Then WHY did you order it?!?

(Chief speeds up the vehicle, and it sends a grunt flying into a hot dog stand)

Boy: WAAAAAAHHHH

Chief: Grrrrr...

(A jackal hits the windshield, and hisses before being shot square in the face by the soldier)

Chief: Let's get some McDonalds to cheer you up...

(Chief kicks the machine into overdrive, and it smashes into the side of a McDonalds, the Spartan whips out an assault rifle and points it at the cashier)

Chief: A Happy Meal or your life. Your choice.

Let's try not to go over all the possible scenarios...

Also, for those of you thinking I'm an idiot for saying the Flood had a computer, I'm not. Gravemind kind of hacked Cortana. Sort of. That's why you kept hearing mysterious, scary garbled messages that sounded frigging scary.

In the end, the flood were very annoying to the Covenant and caused more grunts to explode than pop rocks and cola.

This is now the end of the guide.

Well, the guide for RACES. For those of you who hate my work, I'm truly sorry but this is far from over. I'v decided to keep on Going on Why The Covenant Fail.
We still have to go over Covenant:

Weapons (chap for each and every one)

Vehicles (chap for each and every one)

Military Tactics

Food

Restaurants

Board Games

Multiple Religions

Cities

Possessed Bathrooms

Video Games

Sports

Reality TV Shows

Celebrities

History

Ships

Planets

Recruitment Techniques

Movies

Pets (Yes they have pets)

Malfunctions

Music (yikes)


With more to come

You see, I've recently discovered MORE reasons why they lost! I plan to have over FORTY chapters, more and more frequently. To quote some general Person who
I'm too lazy to cite: "I have not yet begun to fight" . . .. Er, write.

In the meantime, SPREAD THE WORD! Tell your friends! Family! Hell, copy and paste the guide and turn it in for an AP history report! Who cares if it's not human history?!?

And of course, your feedback is appreciated. (Unless Its Bad... JksJks)

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: RECRUITS: AKA Fresh Meat


NOTE: I know I didnt Include Engineers, But I might Later On in The Guide. :)

[Edited on 11.16.2009 10:42 PM PST]

  • 11.16.2009 9:35 PM PDT

nice lol

  • 11.17.2009 12:16 AM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Prophets fail at WoW. lololololol
I put this right up there with Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy! Both are full of lols!

[Edited on 11.17.2009 12:21 PM PST]

  • 11.17.2009 12:19 PM PDT

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