- Grunt Killa44
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You know that story, the one where that holy guy creates a big space rock in the middle of nowhere? It's sort of a tall tale, but it explains a lot. After he does the thing with the rock and the creation, he does a whole bunch of other things, like make some stuff to put on the rock: tapirs, those mushrooms that squirt out clouds of poisonous, lung-exploding spores when you step on them, a vole or two to spice things up, some annoying mountains in the middle of flat stuff; all of these things he secretes out of his Stuff-Gland and sticks them on this crazy rock he's making called "Earth." Anyway, this guy works on decorating his rock for like six straight days or something, but as the story goes, on the seventh day he gets lazy and sleeps in, maybe goes down to the Sizzler for the all-you-can-eat sundae bar instead of working on his creepy old space rock some more. He comes back from the Sizzler feeling nauseated and disturbingly obese, so he downs a few shots of Jack Daniels and hits the hay early. Here's where the story gets oddly terrifying in an odd, terrifying way. While he is sleeping, the rock plunges into disarray and chaos. Then, something terrible and unforeseen happens that changes the course of events for eons to come. It makes a boy think he can trust a GRUNT. This is the story of Billy...One you may want to completely scroll past and get on with the wraiths because this may take awhile.
In the year of our rock-creator 2080, the incident was unfortunately and irrevocably started when a NASA probe accidentally kidnapped a freakish family of leprosy-ridden grunts who were happily fine were they were, hadn't they thought the probe was full of Coca Cola and Rick Astley CDs. The aliens weren't completely innocent, as they were there to scout out the worlds in the system. The aliens are brought back to Earth against their will only to escape from NASA and end up hiding out in the desert of southern California. The youngest alien, a freakish grease-creature with enormous, watery fisheyes, jumps onto the van of a family en route to (shockingly) Los Angeles and is whisked away into the suburban life of Billy, the angelic loser kid. Also on board the love van are his annoying teenage brother and his ditzy, rodent-like mom. The family arrives back at home and Billy is immediately alerted (via his supersensitive loser-powers) to the presence of the alien weirdo. He finds out it's sickeningly saccharine name is "Pogo". He also decides to keep it as his personal work slave because even at 10 years old he has the common sense to know that he is a disgusting freak and that no one will ever want to be his friend, ever. And thus begins the journey of friendship and self-discovery that Billy the lonely douche kid begins with a disgusting sack of alien garbage at his side.
Of course, the only people who can see it are himself and his crimp-haired girlie-friend who lives across the street and somehow doesn't care that all of the other kids are going to laugh at her and call her degrading names like "Pancho" and "Steve" because she talks to the depressing weird kid. On one occasion the kid and his friend are playing in the backyard when Billy suddenly loses control of his -blam!- little bike. The next two minutes are spent with her screaming shrilly over and over again, "BIIIIILLLY!!! BILLLLLY!" as his bike rolls down a hill, across a field and OH MY GOD OFF OF A CLIFF INTO A RIVER 50 FEET BELOW! The retard plummets to his seeming doom, ricocheting off of the rock face and doubling in half as it hits the water. Meanwhile, as you may not already know, Billy's not so good at life, so he is in serious danger of drownifying as he demonstrates by flailing convincingly for several minutes before he gives up on life and sinks happily beneath the murk.
Luckily, Billy's creepfest alien friend is on hand to dive beneath the water and bring him to the surface, much to the surprise and dismay of the little girl who actually wanted him to die so that she wouldn't have to hang out with the weirdo retard any more. For some unknown reason, the boy immediately develops some affection for the little Covenant monstrosity and decides that the best thing to do would be to trap it. In order to bottle and sell its excrement, the boy sets up a foolproof system of Coca-Cola cans and straws all over the house that lead to his room and a very high powered vacuum cleaner. The pustulent alien-freak is MYSTERIOUSLY UNABLE TO RESIST THE CANS OF COKE (which is all he wanted to begin with) and is lured into the clever trap Billy has set for him. With the help of the annoying, frizz-haired neighbor girl, they suck up Pogo in the vacuum cleaner. Yes, they SUCK IT UP, AS THOUGH IT WERE COMPRISED OF PUTTY, INTO THE VACUUM. That's just how cartoon-like these grunts are. Suddenly, the vacuum begins to move by itself and in a vain attempt to stop it, the frizz-girl gets pulled along for the ride. It wheels her, screaming, through the house, The vacuum drags the girl down the hallway, up one of the walls, across the ceiling, and down the wall on the other side of the room. When it comes down from the ceiling, the girl's legs crumple sickeningly into a gut-wrenching puddle before it zooms across the floor and stops in the middle of the room. With the help of Billy the retard's annoying older brother, the kids change the vacuum setting from suck to blow (you see? it's all falling into place now) and the repulsive booger-alien spurts out. Of course, it's damaged and sick from its trip to Filthland, so they give it some Coke and it's magically, wonderfully, shockingly, and surprisingly all better. At this point the mother comes home and the alien exits by hiding in the toilet. The kids try to explain that there is a tiny, midget alien afoot that looks as though it was in a terrible industrial accident involving gasoline and Fritos. The mother, of course, doesn't believe a word of it, so they all go to sleep and dream about the time they were held hostage by fat men dressed as sausages and who sang about amphetamines and various rye breads.
In the morning, Billy wakes up to find that the living room of the house is magically, wonderfully, shockingly, and surprisingly littered with Coke cans and plasma grenades. He also notes that while they were sleeping, the freakish snot ball alien has cleaned and reorganized their house for them as a token of appreciation for sucking it up in the vacuum the night before. Also present, laid out on the table, are a couple pictures of Pee Wee Herman and a large print ad for Valvoline. The retard says with a cheesy grin, "he must want to go on a trip!" Yeah, he wants to go on a trip alright. I'll give him a trip. I'll put him inside of an oil drum, put the drum on a boat, sail the boat out in to the middle of the ocean, and then sink the boat with high-powered explosives. 10 years later I will raise the wreck of the boat, find the oil drum, and shoot it into the sun. Then I will blow up the sun. Problem solved. The mother and the brother come into the living room and are shocked at the sight of their house not looking like a filthy K-Mart discount bin. By the sheer power of logic, the boys are able to convince the mother that there is no way they could be responsible for the house being clean because they are both lazy louts, and besides one of them has no friends. She therefore decides that perhaps the writhing mucus-sack from outer space does in fact exist. So she goes jogging. The mother jogs down the road with Billy the socially-challenged lad skipping along at her side. Meanwhile, Pogo decides that it would be a really good idea to get into one of those "Powerwheel" contraptions. You know, those cars for kids that go a maximum speed of about 2 miles per hour and that come in exciting designs like "Barbie's Pre-Teen Pink Underage Sex-Car." So he jumps into one of those and thus begins the idiot grunt riding at what appears to be 30-odd miles per hour down a busy residential street. Suddenly, the neighborhood dogs take an interest in the blob from another world and begin to run after the little car. Oddly enough, they are unable to catch it even though they are running at top speed. All through the chase scene the dogs try to rip the grunt's head off with large pointy teeth, inspiring suicide and mass destruction. It ends when the alien rockets over some uneven ground and is catapulted into a tree. The dogs gather beneath him, barking and jumping up at the branches. The Apparently the grunt's skills, while perfectly capable of cleaning and rearranging an entire house, are not able to rescue him from the tree and hungry, stupid dogs.
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