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Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 8 Up]
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SAS Halo 3

Thanks xd lol. Its an honor to be up there with Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Hahah. Anyways Heres Recruits.

Might Actually start writing a Serious Story soon. :)(TWO PARTS AGAIN!!!!)


PROBLEM NINE: RECRUITS

We're finally getting to the down dirty bulk of why these intergalactic -blam!-s failed. Having an army of messed up species that share almost nothing in common is bad. Training them in all the wrong ways is even worse.

In fact, the Covenant tried to recruit hundreds of other species. Here's some footage of those unqualified...

TRYOUT SPECIES: 237

Brute Interviewer: So what exactly do you do?

Alien: I poison the minds of humans and break their will!

Interviewer: Do you eat their heads?

Alien: Nooooo! Alf eats cats!

Interviewer: ...SECURITY!

(A large angry jackal bursts into the room and drags Alf away)

TRYOUT SPECIES: 479

Interviewer: Can your species use deadly explosives?

Alien:...

Interviewer: Can they fight in hand to hand?

Alien:...

Interviewer: Can they do anything?

Alien: E.T...phone home...

Interviewer: You can only communicate with a PHONE?! SCREW THAT!

(The Brute then laughs hysterically)

Interviewer: CAN YOU GUYS DO ANYTHING ELSE?!

(ET then flips him off, and the finger begins glowing)

Interviewer: Oh now your freaking dead!

(The Brute leaps over the table and begins beating ET with the stapler)

TRYOUT SPECIES: 666

Interviewer: So, what exactly do you do?

Alien: (clicks and purrs)

Interviewer: Excuse me?

Alien: (puts several human skulls on the table)

Interviewer: Quite impressive! You do like killing humans.

Alien: (puts the skulls of several different animals and creatures on the table)

Interviewer: My my MY! What creature haven't you killed yet?

Alien: (holds out fist and a long wristblade shoots out)

Interviewer: Stay back!!!!!!

Alien: (roars, and a small creature bursts out of it's chest and runs into the air conditioning vent)

TRYOUT SPECIES: 974

Interviewer: So what alien powers do you have? Can your moustache breathe fire?

Alien: Yo soy muy estudioso.

Interviewer: Hey! YOU'RE A HUMAN! PREPARE TO DIE!

Alien: Tu eres muerto!

Interviewer: SECURITY!!

(A large jackal bursts into the room snarling)

Alien: AY EL CHUPACABRA!!

TRYOUT SPECIES: 994

Interviewer: So, what exactly do you...

(The now full grown alien from 666 leaps out of the vent and drags the Interviewer into a cave to glue him onto the wall)

The Covenant actually did recruit ET for their effort. The only thing he did against humanity was touching the boy's chest at the end of the movie, which, though looking adorable, was actually his radiation infested finger giving the boy super cancer.

Eventually, the Covenant found a healthy balance of species to use in their war force. They realized that they wouldn't have any real luck finding intelligent life after they discovered another world that was different than expected...

Elite: What is it?

Alien: I'm wishbear!

Brute: Can you cook it?

Wishbear: Would you like to have a cookie?

(The care bear then reaches into its furry pocket)

Elite: IT'S GOT A GRENADE!! TAKE IT DOWN!

(A terrified grunt begins shouting into his comlink.)

Wishbear: WHAT?

(The entire Covenant force and care bears are destroyed by orbital fire)

So then the tired, beaten, and slightly constipated extra terrestrials then decided to train their warriors to be the very best they could be. Now, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking

"OMFG, why didn't the Covenant just use advanced starships and massive weapons to blow up humanity. Wahhh..."

Two reasons:

They were stupid.

Chuck Norris.


* * * * *


  • 11.17.2009 1:36 PM PDT
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* * * * *

Yes, you see. Chuck Norris had been the only thing holding the Covenant back for years at a time. It takes many years for our TV transmissions to reach out into the corners of space. So the Covenant would only hear rumors of this supernatural god being who could defy all universal laws. The Prophet of Truth (of course, ignoring his title of "Truth") tried to keep it from the masses.

Truth: I ASSURE YOU ALL! THERE IS NO CHUCK NORRIS! IT'S JUST A MYTH!

Elite Commander: But lord...Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris swims on land!

(Murmurs of discontent come from the watching Covenant)

Truth: Nonsense! The prophets destroyed the flood with our holy orbital flames!

Brute Officer: They say he doesn't need a watch because he decides what time it is.

Truth: THAT'S IT! I'M GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS

Elite Commander: NO MY LORD! If you anger him, your reproductive organs will be ripped off of your body and sent into a dimension filled with nothing but dogs that will eat them!

Truth: HERESY!

(The commander is then launched out a torpedo tube)

(The prophet then logs onto the internet, and goes onto Google, he types in "find chuck norris" and clicks "I'm feeling lucky")

Truth: (eyes widening in horror) No...NOOO! IT CAN'T BE!!

(The Covenant all look at the screen and scream until their heads explode)

You are all welcome to try this and see what he saw, but you probably won't like it.

To wrap it up, the fleet commanders were to uneasy to use WMDs for fear of provoking the wrath of Chuck. So they decided to train their soldiers in a way not so similar to the way we trained ours.

Human Officer: Run the obstacle course private!

Soldier: Sir yes sir!

(The soldier runs through obstacles, dodges large swinging axes, front flips through a ring of fire, and then does fifty pushups on one knuckle)

I'm not saying the Covenant were trained so differently...

Elite: This course is filled with replicas of humanity's deadliest weapons. NOW RUN THROUGH IT WHILE I LOOK THROUGH THESE PAPERS!

Grunt: Okay sir!!

(The grunt runs forward into the obstacle course at full speed, screaming at the top of his lungs. He dodges past a group of tap dancing amish men, and dives under a large shopping cart. He then sprints towards some metal piping to clamber over, when a small Italian man dressed in red coveralls comes out of the pipe and begins hurling fireballs at him.)

Mario: Mama Mia!

(A fireball hits the grunt)

Grunt: AHHH! My ass is on fire!

(The Elite looks up for a moment)

Grunt: AHHHHHHH!!

(The grunt then sprints around in a circle, but is then crushed by a giant cake resembling William Shatner)

The high ranking Elites were most displeased with the reports. The only public statement made was:

"The Grunts went in completely normal, but when they came back their ass was on fire."

Needless to say, several elites were executed for heresy, or for being -blam!-. Whatever.

So the grunts got their training. The Brutes were trained in an easier way, as I explained earlier. Just by simply using a large metal alloy war hammer to pond the -blam!- out of woodchucks or whatever the hell they had at Chuck E. Cheeses.

Jackals are simply given coffee.

Elite: Are you ready Hev'sinjag?

Jackal: WNFHGTOGNSNWHGENFHFSWNBDFUIV!!!!

(The jackal is then released onto the obstacle course, but instead of running it. It makes a U Turn and sets fire to several orphanages)

(It's horrifying acts like this that lead to movies like "Howard the Duck" and songs like "Don't Mess with my Toot Toot".)

The Hunters were already programmed, like all Toyota products, to do what Toyotas do best. INVADE THE HOME OF EVERY HUMAN ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE AT ROCK BOTTOM SALES PRICES!

[i](Actually, this is the goal of all dealerships. They've been beaming these messages to the galaxy for thousands of years from the Planet of Evil Men Wearing Polyester Sports Coats, so it was peaceful until humans invented the radio.)


I'm not saying the hunters weren't trained of course. They were trained, and quite brutally at that. Most of them were put on firing ranges, where they would shoot at replicas of cartoon characters and puppets, until the word "Disney" had the same effect to them as "-blam!-" has to us.

Some of the more brave Hunters were sent to Earth in the 20th century to infiltrate the Disney theme parks dressed up as lovable characters such as Pluto and Donald Duck. There they committed acts of guerilla warfare against mankind, such as locking the porta potties and derailing Thunder Mountain.

NOTE: I am not just saying the people in the costumes are evil extra terrestrials because one pick pocketed me when I was 8. I promise.

ALSO NOTE: Does anyone else think that Donald Duck is actually cursing in Dutch whenever he talks? I do.

They also managed to hijack an entire shipment of Assault Rifles that were supposed to end up in Halo 2. Instead, they were sent into another dimension, the same dimension that has all the left socks and car keys. This dimension is also the home of The Lost Colony of 1748 and Michael Jackson's real nose.

AGAIN NOTE: This is a different dimension than the one with Chuck Norris' dogs.

It may seem surprising that something so large could infiltrate a race so smaller than them. To put it simply they dwelled among humanity for long periods of time, some of them becoming celebrities. In fact, has been drug abuser alcoholic pop idol psycho -blam!- Britney Spears is actually a Jackal wearing a lot of eye shadow and lipstick. I fail to see why anyone else hasn't noticed yet. I mean...damn.

The Drones were trained in a simpler fashion. Like bees actually, they were kept inside giant square boxes and hooked into the Matrix, or whatever hell kind of computers they had. Yes, bees. Not the happy smiley bees that look and sound like Jerry Seinfeld. I mean large, six legged, acid spitting bees that wish to claw your throat out, lay eggs in your stomach. And possibly use their ass as a suicide weapon.

So what computer program could imitate the Drone's buzzing, annoying, behavior that everyone hates?

Runescape.

I personally have never played Runescape...but I've heard about it. From what I've heard, just by playing it once you instantly die three years earlier and lose two future girlfriends or boyfriends.

(If you met your girlfriend or boyfriend on Runescape or any social life killing online game, please follow the following procedures.)

1. Print out the rest of this chapter.

2. Throw your computer in the furnace.

3. Throw everything related to Runescape in your furnace.

4. Throw YOURSELF in the furnace to prevent a future outbreak.

5. Repeat if needed. (Reincarnation or whatever)


Also, if you ever have an "online boyfriend/girlfriend" who is most likely some liar making up everything about their life, repeat the above steps, only this time use firearms in there somewhere.

The Prophets simply use the tutorial on World of Warcraft (or if the game has a manual) to teach them all they needed to know. This obviously failed, in the immortal words of Truth before his death.

Truth: WTF? I no wan 2 go en graveyard!!

(Master Chief then watches as the Arbiter kills him)

Master Chief: All yor base ar3 bel0ng to us!!111one

Arbiter: What do you speak of demon?

Master Chief: SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOISOISOISOISOISOISOI!! Mai ROFLCOPTER pwn his old ass :P

Pwned his old ass indeed Master Chief. Pwned his old ass indeed.

So, what have we learned?

WE LEARNED NOTHING! I already knew what was what! YOU DIDN'T!

YOU LEARNED NOT ME!

Well you get it.

We learned about how they recruited and trained their men. They used simple advertising techniques, such as hanging large billboards from Tartaruses nipples.

(Don't visualize this, your eyeballs will burst into flames and crawl out of your eye sockets)

The lesson here is: Don't mess with Chuck Norris!

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: THE FLEET: The fleet runs on Dunkin!

  • 11.17.2009 1:39 PM PDT
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Nobodys Commented? Extra Sad Face. Maybe I'll post one more chapter , and maybe that will get some People interested.

EDIT: YAY The Tenth Chapter!



PROBLEM TEN: THE FLEET

Now, the Covenant had some extremely advanced technology for a space faring race. Sadly, having the intelligence of shovels, they failed to use it properly. In fact, the Prophets first tried to attack Earth through World of Warcraft. Luckily, the UNSC had the game's creators put in a boss that the Prophets couldn't beat.

(The prophets are at their keyboards)


Truth: THIS IS AWESOME!

Mercy: YEA! We pwning those noobz.

(Suddenly, a large bearded character appears, approximately 200 feet tall)

Truth: WTF? Let me check his stats...

(A large box appears on the screen)

DATA FILE: Chuck Norris: A boss that is completely unbeatable. He has unlimited health, but that does not matter because you can never touch him. His best move, the roundhouse kick, obliterates all life within a mile radius, and wipes your character, deletes your account, deletes WOW from your computer, wipes your hard drive, disables all machinery in your house, and forces you to buy new ones.

Truth: AHHHHHH!

Mercy: LOGOUT!! LOGOUT!!

Regret: What's the point...

(The entire ship goes dark, and it crashes into an Orbital Starbucks)

At this point, the Covenant realized that they wouldn't be able to hack the planet. So they sent in their fleet. Now for the official ship facts:

The CCS class Battlecruiser is a heavy warship used by the Covenant navy, one of several different designs of capital ship they employ. They are smaller than the rarer and more powerful Assault Carriers, but larger than the more common Frigates and Destroyers, equipped with the standard energy shield generators, pulse laser turrets, and plasma torpedo launchers, and used as a main heavy warship by both Covenant Loyalists and Separatists.

We all remember Master chief boarding the Truth And Reconciliation to save Keyes. Like I said: good technology, stupid people (or squids). The Covenant's ships were HORRIBLY protected. This was mainly due to bad security personell.

(Two grunts stand by a gravity lift loading cargo into a cruiser)

Grunt 1: Do you think fleshys will try to attack?

Grunt 2: Why you worry about fleshys?

Grunt 1: Chung pie says they can fly when you aren't looking!

Grunt 2: That's a load of pop glop!

(As the Grunts argue, several marines, officers, and a tank go onto the lift and are carried into the ship)

Grunt 1: Well if that's not right, then what about Nix Nix. He SWORE on the Prophets that they can shoot venom out of their eyes!

Grunt 2: That's a kind of human lizard! That Steve guy on Animal Planet talked about it!

Grunt 1: (becoming angry) He was a human! AND HE WAS KILLED BY A STINGRAY! One of Earth's most harmless creatures!

(A marine comes down the lift and motions)

Grunt 2: IF THEY'RE SO DAMN HARMLESS THEN WHY IS HE DEAD?

(The marines come down, heaving stolen weapons, vehicles, armor, ammuntion, a karaoke machine, snacks, a refrigerator, and several doors)

Grunt 1: Well..uh. . .what were YOU doing with a human demon box?!

Grunt 2: Um...spying on. . . humans?

Grunt 1: NO you weren't! YOU WERE WATCHING THE OFFICE AGAIN DAMMIT!

(One marine walks back, and sticks a plasma grenade onto Grunt 2's head, who doesn't seem to notice though it is directly on his forehead)

Grunt 2: SO WHAT?

Grunt 1: TBS IS SO STUPID! Hey! What's that on your . .

(boom)

Haha! Those idiots! (wipes tear from eye) Though TBS is pretty stupid. . . though sometimes they're not. Eh...who cares?

Of course, those are the big ships. The one's whose jobs are to bombard planets with laser fire and etc. Being directly under the control of the Prophets (or worse, Brutes) these ships had a tendency to:

Catch on fire, for apparently no reason.

Explode whenever leaving anywhere.

Play loud obnoxious songs from Mexico on their ships, killing the life on several planets, even though space is a vaccum and it is impossible for sound to travel through it.

Leaving a trail of flames behind them while travelling through space, in one unfortunate accident. They travelled to close to the Care Bear planet, and the atmosphere literally exploded. None survived.


Anyways, on to the smaller ships!

The Banshee is an extremely fast, primary personal aerial assault craft of the Covenant. The Banshee resembles a medium size jet with a hood that opens upward from the rear. It is equipped with two stubby "wings", which are basically frames that terminate in the propulsion jets and anti gravity pods that leave behind a signature exhaust trail.

These "stubby wings" were very annoying to the Brutes in Halo 3. We can tell this by t he way they would constantly try to remove them by flying full speed into cliffs or walls. As for the "exhaust trail" somebody was smoking Gravemind...

Usually attacking in pairs the Banshee is capable of reaching a speed of over 100 km, extremely maneuverable, and is capable of performing loops and barrel rolls to evade incoming fire with the help of the boosting engines.

Great! That's how it SHOULD be! But did any of the Covenant actually use this advanced technology to aid them in battle? HELL NO! As for the speed...that's just a bad idea...

(We see a peaceful suburban town, children are playing baseball, an ice cream truck drives by, and a dog is playing in the streets)

(Suddenly, there's a large WHOOSH. A Banshee roars through the street, the exhaust trail setting the children on fire. The Banshee speeds into the ice cream truck and the impact stops it, crushing the front of the ship... The truck falls on the dog)

Pilot: WOOOWEEEEE!!

(The Banshee opens, revealing a Brute with matted fur, bloodshot eyes, and a NASCAR hat)

Pilot: I JUST WENT THROUGH 23 SOLAR SYSTEMS ON ONLY 8 CUPS OF COFFEE! YYYYEEEEE HOOOOOOO!!

(The surviving child comes to him)

Child: But sir . . why did you have to get my dog? All he wanted was AHHHHH!!

(The child is crushed by a second Banshee)

Second Pilot: Burt?? BURT?!

(A confused looking elite stumbles out of the second bansee, he is holding tequilla and there is a pair of soiled underpants on his head)

Second Pilot: I sure am glad (hic) I gave up being fleet commander! I just wanted some (hic)ing Pringles. Hey. . . Ha(hic)...Have you seen my underpantsZZZZZ? My grandma (hic) gave them to me before she was laid. I mean laid to rest!!(hic) HAHAHA!

(The elite turns and barfs into the face of a seven year old)

As for the details on doing barrel rolls and loops and stuff. Well, this was to amuse the prophets, as they could watch pairs of maddened elites and brutes smash into each other while doing spectacular tricks!

The Type 52 Troop Carrier (abbreviated Type 52 TC), also known as the Phantom, is a much more formidable drop ship than the previously seen Spirit. It boasts one Plasma Cannon and two fixed Plasma Turrets in Halo 3. In Halo 3, Phantoms no longer have to drop troops via the mini grav lift. In hot landing zones troops will deploy through large exits on either side of the vehicle for speed.

This was actually one of the smarter decisions made by the Covenant. With the Elites doing basically everything else, Phantoms were usually driven by Grunts. Who had nasty tendencies on board.

(Several trembling Jackals and Grunts are strapped into their seats, with several missing. The ship is over the ocean)

Pilot: I'm thinking of a number one through one hundred! KINGKAY! What is it?

Grunt (Kingkay): Ummm...62?

Pilot: WRONG!

(The Grunt is launched out of the gravity lift into the ocean. The sonic boom finally catches up with it and there is a scream)

Pilot: Ha! I WIN! Now to pilot this thing...

(The ship literally DROPS into the ocean. It is eaten by Sharks, Fubu Fish, and Patrick Star)

Yes, so it was a good idea to put a safety on the gravity lifts. Sadly, the Krusty Krab went out of business, as the secret ingredient was burnt Grunt ass. Spongebob was put out of work and forced to become a rapper. Check out his album in November! (There's a Mother (Cencored) pineapple under the Mother (Censored) sea)

So now you're probably wondering (even if you're not, you're going to get the answer). "If the fleet was so horrible, then why did anybody want to join?"

Excellent question! The first volunteers joined up under the most honorable conditions. The prophets gave them the choice to either help the fleet burn across the stars, OR be be burned by the fleet, then launched into the stars. Miraculously, many Covenant were willing to join the fleet! The Covenant also ran non stop propoganda. Just like FOX News Network!

(A small grunt is painting a fence)

Announcer: HEY THERE TIMMY? WHATCHA DOIN THERE?

Grunt: Gee whillikers mister! You scared me! I was just painting my Grandma's fence?

Announcer: That's swell Timmy! But wouldn't you rather be gutting the human scum of the universe?

Grunt: Jeepers...I don't think I can do that..

Announcer: THEN BURN HERETIC!

(The Grunt, his neighborhood, and the planet's surface are destroyed by orbital fire)

DO YOU PART! JOIN THE FLEET! SAVE YOUR ASS!

Isn't it creepy how it's just like our society? You bet it is!

Tune in to our next chapter!

GHOSTS: The Harley of the Stars (IF We get more Comments...)

  • 11.18.2009 12:29 AM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

NO! NOT MY ORBITAL STARBUCKS!
*cries*

  • 11.18.2009 2:51 PM PDT
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I am megaman!

LOL! BURN HERETIC!

  • 11.19.2009 1:03 AM PDT

*Facepalm*
and what gun doesn't tear though flesh? a squirt gun?

Forklifts don’t die. They’re just missing in action.

Pooping isn't something I enjoy, nor is it something that takes time. I get in there, drop the packages, then get out. I'm like UPS. What can brown do for you?

Truth: I ASSURE YOU ALL! THERE IS NO CHUCK NORRIS! IT'S JUST A MYTH!

Elite Commander: But lord...Jesus could walk on water. Chuck Norris swims on land!

(Murmurs of discontent come from the watching Covenant)

Truth: Nonsense! The prophets destroyed the flood with our holy orbital flames!

Brute Officer: They say he doesn't need a watch because he decides what time it is.

Truth: THAT'S IT! I'M GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS

Elite Commander: NO MY LORD! If you anger him, your reproductive organs will be ripped off of your body and sent into a dimension filled with nothing but dogs that will eat them!

Truth: HERESY!

(The commander is then launched out a torpedo tube)

(The prophet then logs onto the internet, and goes onto Google, he types in "find chuck norris" and clicks "I'm feeling lucky")

Truth: (eyes widening in horror) No...NOOO! IT CAN'T BE!!

(The Covenant all look at the screen and scream until their heads explode)

this made me lol

  • 11.19.2009 6:44 PM PDT
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Well, Thats Enough Comments for Now. But Spread the News, Tell your Friends. Heck, Post it in your Group.

And I would really apreciate EVERYONE to comment if they are reading this. Thanks.

(Note: This May Take Two Parts YET again.)


PROBLEM 11: GHOSTS

First of all, we could call the Ghost a kind of "Covenant Motorcycle". It is highly suspected that ghosts were created out of the sheer jealously of humanity's warthogs. As we all know, the entire Covenant race is based off stealing technology from humans, or Forerunners, or maniacal toasters.

(A grunt is steering a tiny moped into a parking spot, he is suddenly smashed out of the way by a large Warthog)

Grunt: Hey! That's my spot

Marine: [i](grunts)


(A fuel line on the marine's vehicle breaks, and it sprays fuel all over the moped)

Grunt: Hey! Your truck is leaking!

Marine: My truck does not "leak".

(The moped bursts into flames and the grunt gasps)

Marine: IT MARKS ITS TERRITORY!

The Prophets could easily see that mopeds could not be a suitable fast strike vehicle for the armada, and like the Jackals, found an easier idea.

(The prophets sit in their chairs, discussing the plans for the new ghost. The Elite Honor Guards are wincing occasionally, as the Fresh Prince of BelAir is blaring in the background)

Mercy: These mopeds just aren't working for us. How can we possibly improve them to make them more formidable in combat?

Regret: I've got it! Let's nail some s*** quality tin on it, and rub jelly all over it!

Truth:....

Mercy: What the hell? Let's just stick a huge engine on the back, and maybe some really annoying tazers on the front.

Regret: BUT IT MUST HAVE JELLY!

Truth: Tru dat!

So they reached a compromise, they would use crappy tin COLORED like jelly, with TWO big engines and annoying tazers. A radio was indeed considered at one point, but it was considered much do distracting after several occasions...

Incident Report: 89039

Code named:
"The School Bus"

(A ghost is moving full speed down a highway stretch, a Chubchub the grunt is singing along with the radio)

Grunt: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk? All dat junk?

(The ghost approaches a school bus rapidly)

Grunt: I...I....I'm gonna get you drunk...

(The ghost pulls up parallel to the bus, and the children look out the window)

Grunt: My humps! My humps my humps my humps!

(The ghost hits a stop sign, the grunt flies off and is pressed against a window on the bus)

Grunt: MY PRETTY LADY HUMPS!!

(The children scream in horror, and the bus driver swerves away from another car)

(The bus falls into a large ravine)

Incident Report:579021

Code named:
"Muscles to Smile"

(Two grunts are listening to Hannah Montana)

(The music becomes so infuriating that the grunts begin arguing)

Grunt 1: Everyone knows it takes 25 muscles to smile!

Grunt 2: No...it takes like 23!

Grunt 1: I'm right!

Grunt 2: Doesn't matter! I have a better question!

(Grunt 2 boards a ghost and aims it down a lane)

Grunt 2: How many muscles do you think it will take me to steer this thing into n orphanage?

Grunt 1: 19!

Grunt 2: BULLCRAP!

(The grunt kicks the vehicle into overdrive, instead of hitting an orphanage, it hits a mailbox. One of the wings engines is knocked off, and it shoots up into the sky)

Grunt 2: Oops...

(The engine hits a 747 airliner; the entire plane plummets straight down and hits not only the orphanage, but also a humane society and a koala reserve)

Grunt 2: HA! THAT WAS 50 MUSCLES RETARD!

Incident Report 666

Code named:
"Musical Psychological Disruption"

(This time an elite is listening to the radio, becoming more and more angry)

Elite: What is this music humans listen to?

(The radio turns to "The Hamster Dance")

Elite: Ugh! What is this? It sounds like a drone being beaten with a washing machine!

(He turns it to another station, this time it's "Stronger" by Kanye West)

Elite: I don't get this at all? WHO IS PRINCE? THE HUMANS ARE GETTING STRONGER IF WE DON'T KILL THEM?! WE MUST KILL THEM FASTER! THIS IS MUCH WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE!

(He turns it once again, this time it's "Disturbia")

Elite: The darkness is light? I'M GOING MAD!

(He turns it one final time, this time it's "Numa Numa" it's also been remixed by the pot smoking teenager working at the radio station)

Elite: BY THE PROPHETS! SAVE ME!

(A car with an elderly lady pulls up beside him)

Old woman: Why young man, that music you're listening to really touches you! You're crying!

Elite: I AM NOT CRYING! I AM VOMITING FROM MY EYE SOCKETS YOU FOSSIL!

(The old woman gasps, and begins to have a seizure. She then dies in front of the Elite.)

Elite: SOME HUMANS HAVE ALL THE LUCK!

* * * *

  • 11.20.2009 1:20 AM PDT
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* * * *

The radio was eventually replaced with turbo boosters, to make the alien imbeciles go even faster. The only race the Covenant has that is actually made more dangerous by speed is grunts and drones. Brutes can drive off cliffs at any speed. The Prophet chairs are rumored to be able to go extremely fast as well. I will address that matter in another chapter.

The ghosts (though cheaply produced) could actually be a capable vehicle in the hands of an expert like Master Chief. Then again, anything is deadly in the hands of Master Chief...

Eye Glasses: Jam down throat, dead in 17 seconds.

Pine Cone: Crush, and slash with shards. Dead in 2 minutes.

Mascara: Scoop out enemy eyeballs out of sockets, dead from blood loss in several minutes.

Twinkie: Ignite cream filling, squeeze out flaming icing. Death varies.

Feather: Lodge into enemy diaphragm. Will suffocate slowly over an hour.


Still, the ghosts could be considered capable weapons. Once again, it's the operators with the problems. This time I decided to PERSONALLY interview a ghost operator.

Gruntkilla44: So, Chubchub is it? Tell me exactly what operating ghosts was like.

Grunt: Well, I wasn't good at anything growing up! I used to work as a lawn gnome, until the neighbors found out I was actually alive.

Gruntkilla44: I see...

Grunt: So I was on Myspace one day, and I saw an ad for being a Ghost driver! I was mesmerized! It turned my life around!

Gruntkilla44: Indeed, thank you for your ti...

Grunt: I wrote a poem! Before working for the Covenant... Would you like to hear it?

Gruntkilla44: Not rea..

Grunt: There once was a man in Peru!

Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.

He woke up with the fright,

In the middle of the night

To discover...

I killed his whole family...


Gruntkilla44: What?!

Grunt: Kind of like how I murdered that dog coming in here..

Gruntkilla44: Killed a dog? Guards arrest him!

Grunt: (shocked) It wasn't my fault!

Gruntkilla44: NEITHER WAS THE GODDAMN SCHOOL BUS! NOW GET OUT!

The insanity of the ghost drivers also affected the UNSC marines as well...

Marine: (Brookly accent) So, I'm on vacation right?

Gruntkilla44: uh huh.

Marine: And I have this dream I'm eating my shoe, I go downstairs...AND MY WHOLE FAMILY IS DEAD! DEAD! EVEN THE F***ING GOLDFISH!! I mean seriously!

Gruntkilla44: Good lord...

Marine: Yeah I know! But uh..I went back to bed. Cuz...well, I was freaking tired. I mean seriously. It happened in Peru. Peru! Who the hell goes to Peru?!

Now for some official ghost facts:

Ghosts are a simple single pilot transport and reconnaissance vehicles, polished in lucid dark purple in color. They boast a streamlined design and make up concept to optimize speed and agility, and two wing like structures on either side for maneuverability. They hover off the ground using Covenant anti gravity technology, and feature a boost and two plasma cannons.

"Lucid dark purple" is a fancy phrase for "old jelly smeared on with dirty grunt hands".

A Ghost's propulsion is imparted by a form of anti gravity engine known as a Boosted Gravity Propulsion Drive, allowing the Ghost to skim about half a meter above the ground while it is activated. This drive is visible as a bright, fluorescent area of blue energy emanating from the underside of the Ghost. Each "wing" of the Ghost contains a vent that disperses excess heat, most obviously demonstrated by a bright purple glow when the Ghost is boosting, and on the left wing the engine resides and if this is shot the Ghost will detonate.

Hey now! There's a way to hide the weakness of it! Instead of using a dampener or some sort of masking device. Make it light up like the 4th of July!

Later Ghosts have modified engines possessing a 'speed boost' feature that nearly triples its speed, allowing for periods of greater velocity but compromised maneuverability. This allows Ghost pilots to enter and leave the combat zones rapidly. In this mode a Ghost can easily run down, or "splatter," enemy infantry and evade more durable foes. As a trade off, a Ghost's energy reserves are drained rapidly in this mode, and its energy weapons are disabled.

If anything, this was actually a good idea by the prophets. They knew well that a grunt couldn't hit the water if he fell out of a boat, so they decided to just make it faster. A lot more than triple I say...

Now, I will reveal the weaknesses for us all to exploit!

The boost systems of the Ghost greatly increase its speed, but strip it of its vaunted maneuverability, including lateral movement. Also, while the Ghost's boost system is in use, the weapons are disabled and maneuverability is reduced. Due to the open topped design of the Ghost, drivers are often extremely vulnerable to small arms fire, especially when unaware of enemies or while idle. Because of the Ghost's light weight, it is easily overturned by explosions, heavy fire, and collisions. Ghosts are also easy to board, and such actions commonly result in the death of the pilot. Ghosts also have large, vulnerable fuel cells on the sides of the driver's seat, which explode very easily, invariably destroying the vehicle and killing the pilot and are great target for snipers. Ghosts are easily susceptible to the disabling effects of the Power Drain or Plasma Pistol overcharge, and once they have been disabled make excellent targets. The Ghost is almost always driven by a Ultra Grunt, who is easy to kill. Unlike other vehicles, the turrets only have a 150 Degrees field of fire, and so attackers may approach the vehicle from behind without any fear of retribution. The Ghost is also very ineffective in close quarters, due to its deep blind spot, slow braking action and wide turns.

I don't know what that means, but I just snipe the methane tank ;)]/i]

Additionally, the Ghost is rather easy to stick with a grenade as you are about to be splattered.

The Ghost can also be catapulted into the air by a portable grav lift.

Reboarding is a serious problem with Ghosts, although skilled players can easily avoid it. An easy way to avoid this is to reverse as soon as you board a Ghost and shoot the enemy you stole it off. An other way is to hit the boost as soon as the previous driver has been kicked off.

If you ram into another Ghost their is a big chance you will be killed and the Ghost will explode with the other Ghost driving off fine.


[i]I hope we've all learned a valuable lesson about the Ghost! They must all be destroyed.


TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: BANSHEES: How to make em scream like one!

  • 11.20.2009 1:20 AM PDT

LOL!

  • 11.21.2009 7:29 AM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 11 Up]
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

HAPLO=HALO reminds me of that star trek scene...
"It's not V'ger! It's Voyager 6!" Rust covered the oya.
Bravo on top topic! :)

[Edited on 11.21.2009 3:56 PM PST]

  • 11.21.2009 3:55 PM PDT
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Thanks to everybody who has Commented and Helped Make this Story reach Top Topics. =D

Please Comment on my other Books: Master Chief Saves Christmas, The Adventures of Uncle Ted and My All New SERIOUS FanFic: The Spartans of Gamma Company (TSGC).

Plus, Dont Stop Commenting On This Either! =D Thanks!

As A Celebration for Top Topics, Im Releasing BANSHEES! Hope you Enjoy as Much as you have the last 11.

(May Be Two Parts!)


PROBLEM 12: BANSHEES

Now the Covenant learned something about the structure of their fleets quite quickly. They realized they needed to try and organize it like they organized the Covenant Army, which is actually quite similar if you think about it.

Army- Swarms of incompetent grunts led by massive hulking apes.

Fleet- Swarms of incompetent pilots led by massive hulking ships.

Now the banshees were actually quite good machines (for the most part) they were just flown by complete morons. This is most obvious in Halo 1, where they regularly fly full speed into cliff faces. This is because the banshees changed drastically in the Halo games.

The Banshee is a fast, personal aerial assault craft used by the Covenant. The Banshee resembles a medium size jet with a hood, that opens upward from the rear. It is equipped with two wings which terminates propulsion jets and anti-gravity pods leaving behind a signature exhaust trail while flying. The Banshee is capable of reaching a speed of over 100 km/h, is extremely manuverable, and able to perform highly aerobatic maneuvers. The Banshee is also capable of space flight. The vehicle garners it's name from the wailing noise it creates when in the air.

Actually, there's quite a funny thing about the Banshee. No one (until now) knows what exactly it's being powered by. I will tell you that it has to do with that wailing noise. You see, that "wailing" is actually "squeaking". This "squeaking" is the "power source" of the "Banshee". Once again, heretics prove invaluable to the Covenant. The Prophets, enraged by gas prices, decided to power the banshees using a heretic grunt using a stationary bicycle in the lower part of the craft. The wailing is the pedals squeaking, as the Prophets were enraged by the price of WD 40 as well.

In Halo: Combat Evolved the Banshee could almost hover in mid air. Controls could move backwards, causing the Banshee to back up, and also hover up-side down, but at a slow rate of speed making the Banshee appear to hover, leading advanced airmen to do complex stunts. The banshee from Halo: Combat Evolved cannot strafe left to right.

Now, I must say that having a banshee fly upside down is not the best of ideas...

Disgruntled Grunt Pilot: Screw what T'kima said! I can fly like the Arbiter himself!

(The banshee turns upside down in midair)

Pilot: YEEEHAW!!!

(The banshee doesn't turn back side up and begins to dive towards the ground)

Pilot: CRAAAAAAAAAP!!!!

(Moments before hitting the ground, a large earthworm bursts through the soil and swallows the craft whole)

I also remember the massive annoyingness of Banshees on Blood Gulch in Halo 1. We all remember the super annoying pilots that would just ram into you on the ground and fly away.

Me: HA! I love owning these -blam!-s!

(A banshee skids across the ground and kills me)

Me: DUDE!

(The Banshee continues to dive down into people (sometimes barely touching them) instantly killing them horribly.)

(I respawn, and make my way to the middle of the field, where the banshee dives at me)

Me: SCREW YOU!

(I launch a rocket which obliterates the craft to dust)

9-year old pilot: OH MY GOD YOU FRICKING HACKER!

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  • 11.21.2009 8:01 PM PDT
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* * * *

Beyond that, it turns out that the reason the Covenant changed the Banshee's controls was because the signals coming from it disrupted the flight patterns of bees (Yes they have bees too). Currently, our bees are disappearing. Contrary to the foolish belief of cell phones or radio signals causing the rapid decline of bee populations, I believe I know what's causing it. A bee dies when it stings a victim: this theory leaves only one explanation. A crazy cult is going around the world bothering bees so they'll get stung by them, effectively killing them. HA! That only took three minutes to figure out!

In Halo 2, the Banshee's engines can be pushed to provide a very good boost in speed, but at the cost of maneuverability and weapon power; however, a skilled pilot can time brief periods between boosts to vastly improve their maneuverability. The Banshee can no longer hover, that function has been replaced with an air brake and holding it will cause the craft to slowly go down. Also in Halo 2, the ability to hijack, or "skyjack," an occupied enemy Banshee has been added.

Yes, the Banshee was then able to boost. As it turns out, the fuel rod cannon had become nearly useless to the Covenant as most pilots would just use it to obliterate their own troops. The boost was also considered very useful at the time, until Halo 3 at least. The Brutes utilized the function by slamming Banshees nose first into cliffs and buildings.

Brute: Gwarharhar! Shiny metal bird go fast!

(The Brute slams into a building, which only rips off one of the wings. A grunt who was manning a turret on the building, falls and clutches the undamaged wing)

Grunt: STOP! STOP!

(The craft leans to the right side because of the weight)

Brute: MY WING FEELS FUNNY!!!!!

(The Brute ignites the boost and it begins to fry the grunt, whose hands have now melted into the wing)

Grunt: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(The Brute flies the Banshee so the wing hits Wraiths, Ghosts, ground troops, and the leg of a scarab, but the Grunt does not let go)

Covenant Air Traffic Controller: Pilot! Have you gone mad? Report your situation.

Brute: (screaming into radio) MY WING FEELS FUNNY!!

(The side of the banshee smashed into the side of a cathedral, and the grunt finally falls off. But without wings, the Banshee begins to plummet towards the ground)

Brute: MY WING FEELS BETTER!

(The craft crashes straight on top of a small child playing a Nintendo DS)

I must admit the hijacking vehicles might be the greatest thing added in Halo 2, that and the cover for Scorpion tanks so you don't get sniped while driving a tank. Skyjacking is quite easy to do for everyone. This includes Brutes, Elites, Humans, Jackals, Canadian Grunts, Frylock, Guilty Spark, and Eric Cartman. You only need to lure the pilots close so you can jump on. This is most evident in Halo 2.

Master Chief: (cupping hands over helmet) HEEEEY SQUUUUIDFAAAACE!!!!

Elite Pilot: Who dares defy my holy mission?

Master Chief: YOU SUUUUUUCK!

(The Pilot, blinded with rage, dives straight towards master chief)

Elite Pilot: YOU SHALL EAT YOUR WORDS DEMON!

(The craft dives straight into master chief, who simply grabs the front of the ship, stopping it instantly. He rips off the covering with his left hand, and begins to beat the Elite with his right. He ignites two frag grenades, and rams them down the aliens throat)

Elite: GLURCH!

(Master Chief throws the elite over a cliff, where the corpse explodes at the bottom)

(Master Chief then throws the SHIP onto the mutilated elite corpse, where it explodes)

(The Chief then throws HIMESELF down the cliff, where he lands safely to unload all his ammunition onto the mess, and then defecates on the corpse)

Well so it wasn't exactly "skyjacking", but the Banshee is taken care of isn't it? OF COURSE IT IS!

A rather large defensive change was made for the Banshee. It now has the ability to perform stunts. Although it may seem like this ability is purely used to appear flashy, these stunts are very effective for avoiding enemy fire, especially against rockets. The stunts that can be performed are the ability to roll left, or right and do a back flip in mid air.

Once again, the Prophets grew bored of watching Brutes fly into cliffs and Elites getting distracted. So they decided to fit the Banshees to be able to do pretty loops and turns, once again proving how -blam!- they truly felt inside. They found it absolutely hysterical that soldiers could not shoot a banshee that was doing prancy little loops and turns, and the Prophets laughed until they wet themselves. A few days later, they wet themselves with fear realizing that The UNSC fitted rocket launchers with lock-on devices.

-blam!- Brute Pilot: TEEHEEHEE!!!

(The Banshee does flips and turns while avoiding enemy fire)

Pilot: WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

(A marine locks-on with a rocket launcher and fires away)

Pilot: Uh-uh-uh!!!!

(The Brute barely dodges the missile, and gets away safely)

Pilot: HOORAY!

(The Banshee smashes into a cliff)

Once again, this proves the Covenant had good technology, but absolutely terrible staff. Now to reveal several weaknesses to use to your advantage.

The Banshee is lightly armored and thus vulnerable to explosives and anti-vehicle weaponry. The best weapon to destroy a Banshee is the Missile Pod or Spartan Laser, depending on your skill with either weapon, although the Missile Pod is much easier to use with its homing and lock on ability. The missiles home in on the Banshee and are difficult to evade but it is possible to do so with the use of barrel rolls and the boosting function.. Other weapons such as the Rocket Launcher and Spartan Laser can instantly destroy a Banshee although they are harder to successfully hit the target at long ranges. Other alternatives include the Warthog's M41 LAAG, Machine Gun Turrets, and the Brute Shot. Scorpion Tanks and/or Wraiths are also quite effective against Banshees as it is hard for the pilot to maneuver away from the shot from one of the two. At close range a Banshee can be destroyed with Plasma or Spike Grenades. It can also be hijacked at low speeds. This can be effective if there is a Gravity Lift, giving you the elevation needed to hijack a careful Banshee pilot.

Or you could plasma stick one of your own men and have him run in the gravity lift. That way when the pilot goes to ram him they both die. Sounds pretty damn efficient to me.

Some good items to consider using in Halo 3 while engaged with a Banshee are overcharged shots from a Plasma Pistol or tossing a Power Drain as they both temporarily deactivate the Banshee's engines. Using a Bubble Shield against a Banshee should only be used against its weapons, you can still be splattered through the Bubble Shield. A decent fall-back tactic is to use dual SMGs - their fast rate of fire and the wide canopy of the Banshee ensure that the vehicle will be hit with the full power of two weapons at a close to mid-range. Of course, practically any anti-vehicular weapons would be favourable, but it could do enough damage to scare the Banshee away, or leave it in a bad enough position to be destroyed by a teammate.

You'd be amazed by the amount of people who believe that Bubble Shields protect against things that can come right in, like Vehicles and People. I have personally seen an idiot get run over by an Elephant; he apparently believed the bubble shield would halt it in its tracks. He may be the only person in the world to be hit head on by an Elephant. That plan doesn't make sense!

TUNE IN FOR OUR NEXT CHAPTER: WRAITHS: They cause diabetes!

  • 11.21.2009 8:03 PM PDT

Lulz were had!

  • 11.22.2009 7:36 AM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 5 Up]

Location: Belfast, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom
D&D Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Political Alignment: Social Democracy (Left)
Favourite Book: Jurassic Park
Favourite Film: The Dark Knight
Favourite Game: Mass Effect 2
Preferred Weapon: Franchi SPAS-12

Posted by: Grunt Killa44

Kanye West is the West side of Kanye, Italy.


LAWLed at this bit. Seriously, this is the most epic halo thing ever.

  • 11.22.2009 2:48 PM PDT
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Posted by: Cra5y Pineapple
Posted by: Grunt Killa44

Kanye West is the West side of Kanye, Italy.


LAWLed at this bit. Seriously, this is the most epic halo thing ever.


Really? Oh My...

Thanks

  • 11.22.2009 11:13 PM PDT

LOL!

  • 11.25.2009 10:56 AM PDT

There once was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The end.

SCFH

Dodges Rocket

HOORAY!

Smashes into Cliff




LOLOLOLOLOL

  • 11.25.2009 11:51 AM PDT
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Come On Guys, We need more Comments! Tell your Friends! Tell EVERYONE!

And Also Comment in my other stories too! (3 Parts!)



PROBLEM THIRTEEN: WRAITHS

Now this is probably the most confusing of all Covenant vehicles in my opinion. After many wars and conflicts across who knows how much territory, the freaks decided they would need a main battle vehicle. After careful and delicate observation of human vehicles using the spy network and Hubble-grade telescopes, a plan was concocted. The Prophets, deciding how stupid the humans were, decided it would be a MUCH better idea to have a vehicle that shot at an angle, and by angle, I mean 90 fricking degrees up.

It was SOOOOO obvious that the stupid humans made a terrible mistake making vehicles that would fire where it was aimed. The obvious choice was to make a tank that would shoot up, and almost completely randomly, letting fate decide where the blast would land.

This plan did not work out nearly as effectively as it did on paper...

Elite Commander: The marines are on board our very ship! Now fire carefully as it would be wise not to damage the Prophet's Holy Room of....stuff.

Elite Gunner: Here I go...

(The wraith fires)

Marine Captain: Take cover men!!!

(The shot misses the marines completely and obliterates an entire collection of Hannah Montana items)

Elite Commander: CAREFULLY!

(The wraith fires again, this time hitting a large William Shatner brand popcorn machine, this ignites the uncooked kernels, which then ignite instantly)

Elite Commander: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?

(The popcorn kernels, which have grown so hot the flames are white, shoot off in every direction and destroys the Holy Shrine of the Jonas Brothers and other She-men)

Elite Gunner: Uh oh! Not the reality drive!

(The popcorn destroys a component on the reality drive and a masked man comes flying out of it, and jumps towards the commander in a fighting pose.)

Mysterious Man: FALCON PUNCH!!!!

(Captain Falcon punches the Commander's head clean off)

Elite Gunner: AHHHH!!!

(The gunner tries to flee, only to have a green lizard with a saddle on it's back hop out in front of him and swallow him whole with it's long tongue)

Marine: THAT THING ATE THE ELITE DRIVER!

(The lizard that lays a large green-spotted egg that appears to have something inside struggling to be free)

Marine Captain: I don't know what the hell these things are, but we should shoot em all down before they tear us to bits.

(A marine fires his assault rifle rapidly towards a large ape wearing a red tie with the letters DK on it. The ape doesn't appreciate this, and smashes the man with an overly-sized hammer)

Marine Captain: (Drawing out a combat knife) I'll fight you all to the death, and I'll- Chief??? Thank god you're here!!!

Imposter Master Chief: Ima chargeen mah lazer

Marine Captain: Excuse me sir???

(A large black face suddenly appears on the Spartan's helmet)

Imposter Master Chief: SHOOP DA WOOOOOOOOOOP!

(A large blue laser surges out of the face's mouth and rips through the captain, ship, a planet, and literally rips a hole in the universe where eventually unholy man-beast-fish-monster Jamie Lee Curtis would escape from)

Yes it was a plain stupid idea to construct such a vehicle based on religion, but it certainly beat the old religion of the Covenant.

(The Prophets are seated in a circle in a secure room)

Truth: We will now consult the greatest being in the universe, as we all know we discovered him quite recently on the human world thanks to our scouting party. We must take the consult of...ORBNATICUS!!!!

(A large disco ball descends from the ceiling and begins spinning around emitting strobe lights)

Mercy: Ummm...what's it doing?

Truth: You must open your ears Mercy...

(Thriller by Michael Jackson begins to play from the ball)

Regret: Uh, Truth. I think it's just a disc-

Truth: DO NOT INSULT ORBNATICUS OR YOU WILL BE DAMNED FOREVER TO THE FORBIDDEN ZONE!!!

This is the reason most aliens cannot be trusted. At least space aliens. Speaking of "people that cause fear" I can actually trust -blam!- guys. Hey, at least they make my hair look GREAT. Unfortunately, one child thought he could trust the Covenant.

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  • 11.27.2009 7:33 AM PDT
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You know that story, the one where that holy guy creates a big space rock in the middle of nowhere? It's sort of a tall tale, but it explains a lot. After he does the thing with the rock and the creation, he does a whole bunch of other things, like make some stuff to put on the rock: tapirs, those mushrooms that squirt out clouds of poisonous, lung-exploding spores when you step on them, a vole or two to spice things up, some annoying mountains in the middle of flat stuff; all of these things he secretes out of his Stuff-Gland and sticks them on this crazy rock he's making called "Earth." Anyway, this guy works on decorating his rock for like six straight days or something, but as the story goes, on the seventh day he gets lazy and sleeps in, maybe goes down to the Sizzler for the all-you-can-eat sundae bar instead of working on his creepy old space rock some more. He comes back from the Sizzler feeling nauseated and disturbingly obese, so he downs a few shots of Jack Daniels and hits the hay early. Here's where the story gets oddly terrifying in an odd, terrifying way. While he is sleeping, the rock plunges into disarray and chaos. Then, something terrible and unforeseen happens that changes the course of events for eons to come. It makes a boy think he can trust a GRUNT. This is the story of Billy...One you may want to completely scroll past and get on with the wraiths because this may take awhile.

In the year of our rock-creator 2080, the incident was unfortunately and irrevocably started when a NASA probe accidentally kidnapped a freakish family of leprosy-ridden grunts who were happily fine were they were, hadn't they thought the probe was full of Coca Cola and Rick Astley CDs. The aliens weren't completely innocent, as they were there to scout out the worlds in the system. The aliens are brought back to Earth against their will only to escape from NASA and end up hiding out in the desert of southern California. The youngest alien, a freakish grease-creature with enormous, watery fisheyes, jumps onto the van of a family en route to (shockingly) Los Angeles and is whisked away into the suburban life of Billy, the angelic loser kid. Also on board the love van are his annoying teenage brother and his ditzy, rodent-like mom. The family arrives back at home and Billy is immediately alerted (via his supersensitive loser-powers) to the presence of the alien weirdo. He finds out it's sickeningly saccharine name is "Pogo". He also decides to keep it as his personal work slave because even at 10 years old he has the common sense to know that he is a disgusting freak and that no one will ever want to be his friend, ever. And thus begins the journey of friendship and self-discovery that Billy the lonely douche kid begins with a disgusting sack of alien garbage at his side.

Of course, the only people who can see it are himself and his crimp-haired girlie-friend who lives across the street and somehow doesn't care that all of the other kids are going to laugh at her and call her degrading names like "Pancho" and "Steve" because she talks to the depressing weird kid. On one occasion the kid and his friend are playing in the backyard when Billy suddenly loses control of his -blam!- little bike. The next two minutes are spent with her screaming shrilly over and over again, "BIIIIILLLY!!! BILLLLLY!" as his bike rolls down a hill, across a field and OH MY GOD OFF OF A CLIFF INTO A RIVER 50 FEET BELOW! The retard plummets to his seeming doom, ricocheting off of the rock face and doubling in half as it hits the water. Meanwhile, as you may not already know, Billy's not so good at life, so he is in serious danger of drownifying as he demonstrates by flailing convincingly for several minutes before he gives up on life and sinks happily beneath the murk.

Luckily, Billy's creepfest alien friend is on hand to dive beneath the water and bring him to the surface, much to the surprise and dismay of the little girl who actually wanted him to die so that she wouldn't have to hang out with the weirdo retard any more. For some unknown reason, the boy immediately develops some affection for the little Covenant monstrosity and decides that the best thing to do would be to trap it. In order to bottle and sell its excrement, the boy sets up a foolproof system of Coca-Cola cans and straws all over the house that lead to his room and a very high powered vacuum cleaner. The pustulent alien-freak is MYSTERIOUSLY UNABLE TO RESIST THE CANS OF COKE (which is all he wanted to begin with) and is lured into the clever trap Billy has set for him. With the help of the annoying, frizz-haired neighbor girl, they suck up Pogo in the vacuum cleaner. Yes, they SUCK IT UP, AS THOUGH IT WERE COMPRISED OF PUTTY, INTO THE VACUUM. That's just how cartoon-like these grunts are. Suddenly, the vacuum begins to move by itself and in a vain attempt to stop it, the frizz-girl gets pulled along for the ride. It wheels her, screaming, through the house, The vacuum drags the girl down the hallway, up one of the walls, across the ceiling, and down the wall on the other side of the room. When it comes down from the ceiling, the girl's legs crumple sickeningly into a gut-wrenching puddle before it zooms across the floor and stops in the middle of the room. With the help of Billy the retard's annoying older brother, the kids change the vacuum setting from suck to blow (you see? it's all falling into place now) and the repulsive booger-alien spurts out. Of course, it's damaged and sick from its trip to Filthland, so they give it some Coke and it's magically, wonderfully, shockingly, and surprisingly all better. At this point the mother comes home and the alien exits by hiding in the toilet. The kids try to explain that there is a tiny, midget alien afoot that looks as though it was in a terrible industrial accident involving gasoline and Fritos. The mother, of course, doesn't believe a word of it, so they all go to sleep and dream about the time they were held hostage by fat men dressed as sausages and who sang about amphetamines and various rye breads.

In the morning, Billy wakes up to find that the living room of the house is magically, wonderfully, shockingly, and surprisingly littered with Coke cans and plasma grenades. He also notes that while they were sleeping, the freakish snot ball alien has cleaned and reorganized their house for them as a token of appreciation for sucking it up in the vacuum the night before. Also present, laid out on the table, are a couple pictures of Pee Wee Herman and a large print ad for Valvoline. The retard says with a cheesy grin, "he must want to go on a trip!" Yeah, he wants to go on a trip alright. I'll give him a trip. I'll put him inside of an oil drum, put the drum on a boat, sail the boat out in to the middle of the ocean, and then sink the boat with high-powered explosives. 10 years later I will raise the wreck of the boat, find the oil drum, and shoot it into the sun. Then I will blow up the sun. Problem solved. The mother and the brother come into the living room and are shocked at the sight of their house not looking like a filthy K-Mart discount bin. By the sheer power of logic, the boys are able to convince the mother that there is no way they could be responsible for the house being clean because they are both lazy louts, and besides one of them has no friends. She therefore decides that perhaps the writhing mucus-sack from outer space does in fact exist. So she goes jogging. The mother jogs down the road with Billy the socially-challenged lad skipping along at her side. Meanwhile, Pogo decides that it would be a really good idea to get into one of those "Powerwheel" contraptions. You know, those cars for kids that go a maximum speed of about 2 miles per hour and that come in exciting designs like "Barbie's Pre-Teen Pink Underage Sex-Car." So he jumps into one of those and thus begins the idiot grunt riding at what appears to be 30-odd miles per hour down a busy residential street. Suddenly, the neighborhood dogs take an interest in the blob from another world and begin to run after the little car. Oddly enough, they are unable to catch it even though they are running at top speed. All through the chase scene the dogs try to rip the grunt's head off with large pointy teeth, inspiring suicide and mass destruction. It ends when the alien rockets over some uneven ground and is catapulted into a tree. The dogs gather beneath him, barking and jumping up at the branches. The Apparently the grunt's skills, while perfectly capable of cleaning and rearranging an entire house, are not able to rescue him from the tree and hungry, stupid dogs.

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  • 11.27.2009 7:35 AM PDT
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SAS Halo 3

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Unfortunately, the alien survives its harrowing canine ordeal, and at this time it takes a coffee break to communicate with its stranded family in the desert. He does this by farting into a megaphone. Somehow they hear him from hundreds of miles away and answer back. The little space-turd is apparently homesick (literally) because the next day Billy the 'tard, and Frizzlefry find him sitting in a chair in the living room, mysteriously illin'. They offer him some water but he refuses it because there is no way he is about to ingest something that is not Coca-Cola brand cola. Billy and the girl have to go to a birthday party at the local McDonald's that day, and the girl's mother is waiting for them outside in the driveway. Billy is distraught because he doesn't want to leave his friend the walking -blam!- by itself as it is so obviously under the weather. He tells the girl to wait outside for him.

Moments later, Billy emerges from the house with what appears to be an enormous, pulsating pile of crap with arms and legs in his lap. As it turns out, in the 20 seconds between him sending out Frizz-Girl and coming out himself, he has found an enormous teddy bear from which he has removed the stuffing. He re-stuffs the bear's skin with his alien love-slave and they pile into the car together and head off to McDonald's. The kids and walking cat vomit enter the place and we immediately see that the restaurant is packed with kids, ballerinas, and homo-blam!- football players. I repeat: BALLERINAS. HOMO-blam!- FOOTBALL PLAYERS. The kid shuffles a chair on up to the table with his bear and Ronald McDonald appears from the putrid nether-regions of despair and terror to say, "Hey kid, nice bear," only to vanish in a haze of smoke and vaguely homoerotic balloon animals. At this point the bear-creature sees cups of none other than Coca-Cola brand cola on the table and suddenly its arm explodes out from the sleeve of the costume in a horrifying parody of a rubbery back-scratcher, extending itself four feet across the table to grab a soda. The kids at the table gasp and suddenly music plays over the McDonalds intercom. Imagine the worst song that the 80's ever produced. Now imagine that song being ground into a fine powder and that powder being added to some year-old dog crap and the feces being ground into a powder and added to the remnants of Richard Simmons bathwater. After sitting in the sun for approximately three weeks, stewing in its own juices, the sensation experienced when eating this ball of disease would come somewhere close to approximating the pain caused by the terrible music that plays next. The alien bear is placed on the countertop and the next 10 minutes are spent in psychedelic 80's hell. While the people and freak are dancing happily to celebrate the obesity that will be caused by their eating such nutritious foods, some "evil" government people attempt to break through the crowd and get the alien. They are, of course, unsuccessful, as you just can't stop music. Hooray Rihanna!

Billy and the Frizzy Dilemma become aware of the government threat and they conspire to get their alien out of McDonald's almost against its will (shockingly, it REALLY likes McDonald's). Billy makes a break for it with the alien misfortune on his lap. The government people follow in hot pursuit, somehow unable to keep up with the kid's wheelchair. Cars pull out of seemingly invisible driveways as they race down the street, and Billy narrowly escapes by grabbing onto the bumper of a passing truck and is pulled along to high-speed safety. His mother works at the local Sears, so Billy makes his way there with the g-men on his tail. Once inside Sears, the Pogo suddenly unveils his power to make TV's explode with his plasma pistol and doors seal shut of their own accord, slowing down the government people a bit while Billy's ditzy broad mother screams shrilly, "BILLLLLY!!!!BILLLLY!!!" Just as it appears that he will be caught, Billy's older brother zooms out of nowhere with his driver's license and the family mini-van. He picks Billy and the tumor-bag up and speeds away into the sunset. God I wish Spartans existed in that time...If only they could've destroyed it quickly.

The van full of society's brightest hope rolls down the road on cue from the grunt. With its help, the humans are led to the remote place in the desert where the family has taken refuge. They are shocked to see an enormous Valvoline billboard and realize that the alien had been trying to tell them to go here all along but they were to busy eating yogurt to really notice anything. They round up the freakish alien family and herd them into the van which at this point should have exploded to save the world from any further -blam!- and plunder of human consciousness. They stop for gas at a rural station, at which point the hideously deformed alien retard brigade causes much commotion when it attempts to be friendly-like with the locals. The aliens get out of the van and wander drunkenly into a grocery store to buy or steal (you're not going to believe this) Coke. A security guard brandishes a gun and tells them to halt, but those crazy aliens don't understand his gibberish language because they are from a planet where the only acceptable form of communication are bizarre hand-signals and beatings by Jackals. The guard backs down and the father-alien ends up with the gun in it's tiny hand. Just as the aliens walk out of the store, UH OH, HERE COMES THE EVIL GOVERNMENT TO MAKE THINGS BLOW UP AND SHOOT GUNS AT OTHER THINGS!!

There follows a very happy scene in which the alien family is made to explode in a fiery inferno of death as apparently one of the evil government men accidentally had some Super-Explodey-Bullets in his gun instead of the standard issue .45 caliber. Praise hell, hooray, let there be celebrations abound, the alien slugs are finally gone! But wait! What's this? Billy the retard appears to have been killed in the blast! But he was a retard! He can't die! His head didn't goddamn work! His mother rushes in and seems eerily undisturbed that her son has been killed. Behind her, through the flames, there appear shadowy forms, barely discernible from the raging hellstorm around them. As the slow seconds drag on, it becomes sadly obvious: those stupid STD's with legs are still alive and they are coming out of the fire to try to save Billy. MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, they have only to wave their hands over him a few times and speak gibberish with those crazy high pitched voices and Billy is alive again, anxious to return to his life as a lonely boy in the suburbs of Los Angeles. Huzzah and merry meet.

What kind of ending could a story of this exquisite beauty possibly have, you ask? Well, here are some possibilities to consider:

The Predictable Ending: The government goons could have gotten a hold of the freak-family and sent them back to La-La Land to suck goo out of the ground for nourishment and live their pointless, stupid lives. The family is happy, the humans are happy, the Earth is saved from having to look at their disgusting, misshapen bodies and listen to their disturbing crack-head speak. Celebrations run rampant.

The Violent Ending: The government could have decided that they were going to eradicate the alien threat once and for all, so they drop a series of Hydrogen bombs on Southern California. Thankfully, they dropped so many bombs that the entire state of California breaks off and falls into the ocean like those scientists keep saying is going to happen when the "Big Quake" finally comes. Any day now, people! I really wish this could've happened...

The Sappy, Vomit-Laden Ending: Despite their best efforts, Billy the mental-cripple could have bitten the big one and gone to that big camp for retards in the clouds. The aliens are greatly saddened by their failure to be of any help so they offer to spend the rest of their lives in slavery at the local car wash where they use their natural slime coating to provide cost-efficient wax alternatives for people's vehicles.

The actual ending to this story's even more horrifying and ludicrous than any of the alternatives presented above. The alien freak-family, with support of the US government, BECOMES FULL US CITIZENS AND ARE SWORN IN AS RESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. At the ceremony are all of our heroes, including Retardoboy, Electrocuted-Girl, the Predictably-Teenaged Brother, Flake-Mom, and Sellout Sister. Also in attendance are the aliens themselves, who are dressed as a cruel joke to disturbingly, resemble a family from a 1950's sitcom. After the ceremony there is much rejoicing and the family of Ugly heads off down the road in a pink Cadillac convertible with a sign on the back that has inspired more horrific dreams in the past few nights than I will ever be able to relate. It said, "WE'LL BE BACK!" If, in fact, the sign is accurate and they will be back, I personally want no part of it. In fact, if they do come back, I will be waiting in close proximity around a corner with a high-powered semiautomatic weapon such that I can shoot the pus-filled grunts out of them before turning the gun on myself because I am so disillusioned with our country for allowing such swill. The only reason I escaped suicide this time was because I felt a burning urge. Sort of like the urge you get when you have to urinate but when you try it feels as though you are pissing a stapler attached to a riding lawnmower. But this urge was the urge to tell as many people as I could about this disgrace of an event in the hopes that somewhere, someone will find the person or people who are directly responsible for what happened and take it upon themselves to do what every red-blooded American should do: BREAK OUT THE ASSUALT RIFLE AND BLOW THE GRUNTS TO HELL.

* * * *

  • 11.27.2009 7:36 AM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 12 Up]
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SAS Halo 3

* * * *

Bottom line is, the 2080 Government was RETARDED!!! But, my my MY how I've gotten off track. I've given you all a story in a story, eh- must be time for some official facts.

In battle, the Wraith is the Covenant equivalent of a UNSC Scorpion Tank. With the ability to boost, they are faster than Scorpions (though slower when not boosting). Its attack is less accurate and weaker, but Wraiths can indirectly bombard enemy forces. In Halo, Spartans, Marines, Elites, and Brutes still pilot Wraiths. The vehicle is slow and easily boarded, and without Ghosts as defending escorts, a boarding party has a good chance of success.

Weaker? Well I wouldn't say that a wraith shot feels like a kitten lick, but we could all agree that it's incredibly inaccurate, as stated at the top of this page. It's not as boarded now that it has a large turret on it now. Now you can easily melee the back and it explodes :D.

In Halo 2, the Wraith has two weapons: the standard plasma mortar and two Automated Plasma Cannons. Although they are not very accurate, they can easily take down energy shielding. The turrets auto-target any enemy within range, making boarding a Wraith more difficult. However, the player cannot utilize these turrets themselves, meaning that the Wraith is somewhat ineffective in the player's hands. The Halo 2 Wraith also includes a booster engine, capable of tripling the tank's speed for about one second and requires five seconds to recharge. Though this can be used to travel more quickly, it is commonly used to run over enemies who are getting too close and is extremely effective due to the Wraiths reverse speed being identical to a Spartan/Elite running speed. This booster can crush small vehicles, such as Ghosts or Warthogs and damage other heavy vehicles such as other Wraiths and Scorpions The Halo 2 Wraith also has an air brake, similar to the Spectre, that can be used to bring the nose up if the vehicle has launched itself into the air. The vulnerable exhaust panel on the rear of the Wraith must be removed before a grenade can be thrown into the vehicle, melees are common but it is possible to shoot the panel off with any weapon, even a sniper rifle.

If you play on Legendary, those cannons are DIFFICULT. Accurate plasma bolts combined with random mortar fire makes quite a deadly combination.

Me: Crap crap crap CRAP!!!!

(I'm killed by a Wraith)

Grunt: (dancing around corpse) Can I have his helmet?

Me: I'll get it this time!!!!!

SEVERAL HOURS LATER...

(phone rings and I pick up)

Dylan: Dude, you want to hang out later and set some random stuff on fire?!?

(I kill an elite and a mortar blast hits me, the Elites celebrate by throwing grenades at my corpse)

Me: NOT NOW DYLAN!!!!!

(Hang up)

SEVERAL MORE HOURS LATER...

(phone rings and I pick up)

Rachel: Hey (MYREALNAME),I just finished shopping and got a new swimsuit. Do you wanna come swimming with me later?

(This time, I'm in a Warthog and it's flipped over by a Wraith blast. I leap out of the wreckage and destroy it with a rocket launcher. Before I can celebrate, I'm stuck by an midly obese grunt)

Me: NOT NOW RACHEL!!!!

(Hang up)

Of course this is a MAJOR exaggeration, as I would certainly never of passed any of these opportunities up. These were actual events and they were both a blast. Until Dylan set fire to the wine bottle...

In Halo 3, new features include visible headlights, increased speed and a more direct line of fire. The new turret fires energy blasts resembling the shots of the Plasma Rifle instead of a beam like the Spectre. The tank has a subtle greenish shine to it and an embedded latticework that glimmers in the light. The most dramatic design change added an exposed topside gunnery position with a 270 Degree view, allowing for better defence against enemy soldiers and boarders. Boarding is made more difficult in that now boarders have both a pilot and gunner to kill before gaining control of the vehicle, not to mention that the gunner and fire on the boarder before he even has the chance to push the grenade button. The Wraith now has the ability to attack two targets independent of one another, (such as focusing the mortar on destroying a nearby Warthog, while the gunner takes out a player on foot attempting to hijack the vehicle from the sides.) The turret is powerful enough to destroy a Ghost before one can successfully destroy the Wraith, (unless it gets right behind it and shoots at the jet.) The Wraith, although having the same top speed as its Halo 2 counterpart, has difficulty traversing high angles and its reversing capability is often inadequate. If boarded from behind or on the front of the cockpit the driver cannot exit the vehicle, another difference from the Halo 2 version.

Of course, now the turret is on super-crack making it all the more difficult to kill. Now the driver not being able to exit when boarded, that just leads to all kinds of grenade possibilities, probably too many for me to write ATM.

Now for some weaknesses to exploit!

When combating a Wraith, the method varies depending on your intents and your current position. If you are in a light vehicle (ex. Warthog, Ghost) and you want to destroy the Wraith, simply evade the massive shots. On your priority list, however, watch out for the plasma turrets-these will chip away your health and in Legendary, are more dangerous than the main mortar, as it can actually hit you. When dealing with a pair or more of enemy Wraiths, such as the entrance to the tunnel in Metropolis, you may wish to use the Ghost instead of the Warthog, because it lacks the equal amount of evasiveness and also does not have the boost feature. For the Ghost, concentrate on one vehicle at a time. If you are in a heavy vehicle and also wish to take them out, simply fire with the main cannon (ex. Mortar for the Wraith and Scorpion missile for the human variant) from a distance, where you can easily move if you see them fire.


In contrast, should you want to board, never do so if there is a pair, as the other Wraith will destroy you with the mortar once you have successfully boarded. As the enemy AI only uses the boost feature when you're in front of it, this should be done relatively easily. The only problem lies in the secondary plasma turret. In higher difficulties, these can take you out in seconds. To counter this, drive straight up to the Wraith in your light vehicle and get out in the last second. Not only does this save time to walk/run over, it protects you from the plasma. From there, to avoid getting boarded again, simply boost and splatter the enemy. The Spartan Laser is a very effective weapon to use against the Wraith destroying it in two shots, one if aimed at its motor on the back, or directly at the driver's cockpit.


Ahhhh...what problems can't the Spartan laser fix? These include, but are not limited to:

Relationships

Cancer

Diabetes

Depression

Financial


A Depressing relationship where you're financially screwed because of your love interest's diabetes or cancer.


Well, that's all for now!

TUNE IN FOR OUR NEXT CHAPTER: CHOPPERS: NO WAY IT'S A MOTORCYCLE RIP-OFF!!!



[Edited on 11.27.2009 7:41 AM PST]

  • 11.27.2009 7:39 AM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 13 is Out!]
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I'll take to the sky! for I am the legendary sky king.

LOL!

  • 11.27.2009 10:59 AM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 11 Up]
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Story to long not enough lols. Want more lols please.

  • 11.27.2009 7:31 PM PDT
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SAS Halo 3

K XD, Iv taken your advice and maken this Chapter Shorter and Put in more Lols, Hopefully...

I'd Like to hear what Chapter you like the Most! Pm Me Now!



PROBLEM FOURTEEN: THE BRUTE CHOPPER

Imagine a simple farm in Kansas. Now Imagine the farmer has a tractor. One day a Brute steals this tractor, rips off the back wheels puts two giant blades on the front, and duct tapes some 35mm cannons to the sides of it. Do you have Monster Garage? No! You have a Brute Chopper!

When the Great Covenant Civil War began between the Elites (who figured out Halo was actually a giant super weapon instead of an escalator to paradise) and the Brutes (who thought Halo was shiny, and shiny things are OBVIOUSLY valuable), the Prophets ordered the Brutes to go back to their home world for the war effort.

Truth: I need you all to go back to your world and bring all of your...stuff. Apparently the Elites have taken most of their technology with them.

Several Days Later...

Brute: Here you are my lord! (The Brute throws down a Nintendo 64 that has a large hole puncher glued to the top of it)

Truth: What is THIS supposed to be?

Brute: It's a plasma rifle!

Truth: Of course...have you brought anything else?

Brute: Of course! (The Brute throws a dented CD player on the table) I call it a cdPod!

Truth: Well, well I have good news for you.

Brute: REALLY? What's that?

Truth: You're banished, get out.

Brute: NO! I brought this too! (The brute holds out a saw with glasses taped to it)

Truth: AND WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?!?!

Brute: It's my see-saw!!!

(Truth pushes a button on his chair, and a hole opens in the ground, the Brute falls into a room that only has one door)

Brute: This can't be good...

(The Brute opens the door to reveal a snowy landscape)

Brute: Where am I?

(A man with goat legs, carrying a homo-blam!- looking umbrella walks past)

Mr. Tumus: Oh Goodness gracious! What an unexpected surprise! I'm Mr. Tumus and this is the magical land of Narni-

Brute: MEAT!!!!!

(The Brute chases after the goatman and fires a brute shot at it)

Badger: What's with all the ruckus?

(A lone grenade flies into the badger hole and it explodes, several other talking animals are obliterated in the Brute's careless fire)

Yes, the Brutes weren't too good at making anything really. So the idea of a land vehicle was quite a challenging aspect to pull off. Originally the chopper was supposed to be a farming plow, until a brute found a way to turn it into a war machine. That's how I have an exclusive interview with the inventor of the Brute Chopper.
Cuddlus!

Gruntkilla44: So, you're the inventor of the Brute Chopper?

Cuddlus: Yes I am! All 42 of them!

Gruntkilla44: 42?

Cuddlus: Of course! It was much difficult to make speedy land turtle. I had many tries to make such a thing. First try was no good.

Gruntkilla44: And why was that?

Cuddlus: First idea was to have big platform with large boomstick on it. It would go around very fast and blow things up.

Gruntkilla44: I suppose that's a...good base. What did it run on?

Cuddlus: That was the problem. We needed twenty children to carry it!

Gruntkilla44: Children?!?

Cuddlus: Orphan children!

Gruntkilla44: Why orpha-

Cuddlus: With cancer!

Gruntkilla44: You're one sick goril-

Cuddlus: Terminal cancer!

Gruntkilla44: Why would you have sickly children carry a weapons platform?

Cuddlus: Well I like children!

Gruntkilla44: I see...

Cuddlus: I like steak too!

Gruntkilla44: Holy Lord. . . THAT'S IT!!! Brutus!

(A large robot with 3 wheeled legs rolls into the room, one arm is a rocket launcher and the other a minigun)

Brutus: SECURITY PROTOCOL. ENGAGED.

(Brutus fires off the minigun while Cuddlus begins to throw small children out of his pockets)

(A child hits the wall and explodes on impact)


Gruntkilla44: (talking into microphone) We need security on Floor 3. We've got a hairy fatass with a seemingly unlimited supply of instantaneously exploding orphan children!

(A small boy gets thrown out the window and into traffic)

Cuddlus: WHO CAN MAKE A SUNRISE? THE CANDY MAN CAN!!!

Gruntkilla44: TURN OFF THE CAMERA!! I DON'T WANT ANOTHER INCIDENT REP-

Whoops! That's all the time we have for that! So basically the Chopper was invented by a mildly obese gorilla that had a strange liking for orphan children. Though I can tell you now (some may not know what I'm talking about) the whole "the louder the motorcycle, the smaller the guy's you know what". Well, all Brute choppers are incredibly loud. So what does that say about the entire species?

Let's move on to some official facts:

The Brute Chopper is a heavily-armored, dual-wheeled assault vehicle, kept afloat by a gravity array on its rear seating and a massive double wheel in the front (Which supports the vehicle's balance by its axis of gravity). The Chopper is best described as an "Anti-Anything" vehicle. Its powerful 35mm auto-cannons can take down most light ground vehicles with ease and the large blades on the front can instantly destroy any vehicle (except tanks) by ramming into it. It was intended to be the Covenant Loyalist equivalent of the Covenant Separatist Ghost, but the two are often used in conjunction, due to the Chopper's superior firepower and the Ghost's superior maneuverability.

Good plan, the only flaw is the kind of drivers we're talking about.

(A Brute Chopper surges forward smashing into every single ghost in front of it)

Brute: Faster! Stronger! BUILT TO LAST LONGER!

Brute on Ghost: What are you doing?!?!?

(The ghost narrowly avoids the Chopper)

Ghost Brute: That was much too close.

(Suddenly, the drone from way back in chapter four drops Gollum onto the Ghost)

Ghost Brute: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?

Gollum: WRAITHS!! WRAITHS ON WINGS!!!!

Ghost Brute: I can't see!

(The ghost drives over a cliff)

These prototype choppers had two Brute Spikers mounted to their bodies. In contrast, the current version features two pairs of powerful 35mm auto-cannons and the replacement of blades with grinding wheels. The original four prototypes were made from the remains of a destroyed Spirit.

So, the original chopper was made from...junk? Surprised? I suppose you can't blame the retards, after all EVERYONE knows that a food blender can make an excellent engine.

I think some quotes can sum it up:

"D'ya think they're compensating for something? I mean, look at the size of the damn thing...it's bigger than my first apartment."

"It doesn't have the room to accommodate a single passenger....and what do they do with their gear? Lash it on to the fenders?"

"They don't have a lot in the way of places you can stow your gear...it's basically a huge engine with a little bucket tied to it for you to stick your ass in. And big golf delta blades bolted to it, can't forget about the blades."

Aw well, I think I've had enough of Brute incompetence for one day...

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: SCARABS: I OBVIOUSLY CAN'T AFFORD ONE

  • 11.28.2009 3:04 AM PDT

There once was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The end.

SCFH

An unlimited supply of exploding orphans?

Genious.

  • 11.28.2009 4:57 PM PDT

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