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Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 14 is Out!]
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

When I said the story was to long I was reffering to the story about the government people and those weird grunts. I honestly did not see how that related to the rest of the chapter.
But a infinite supply of exploding orphan children, Hitchhikers references, Fallout 3 security drones and Gollum make this one quite entertaining.
P.S Are Scarabs made by Toyota to?

[Edited on 11.29.2009 2:32 PM PST]

  • 11.29.2009 2:31 PM PDT
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Posted by: Xd00999
P.S Are Scarabs made by Toyota to?


You shall see in the Next 48 Hours My Friend. Nearly Done...

=) Thanks To Everyone who has Commented A Lot! Mainly XD!!!

  • 11.30.2009 1:00 AM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Posted by: Grunt Killa44
Posted by: Xd00999
P.S Are Scarabs made by Toyota to?


You shall see in the Next 48 Hours My Friend. Nearly Done...

=) Thanks To Everyone who has Commented A Lot! Mainly XD!!!
They are probably made by Ford...

  • 11.30.2009 5:35 PM PDT
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K Finished Scarabs.

But not gonna post till I get more Viewers.

Come on only 53 Comments and 14 Chapters.

And Only 2 People who Constantly Comment!

Come on Peoples Tell ur Friends.

Tell your Dogs.

Tell your Friends Dogs.

Tell your Dogs Friends!

  • 11.30.2009 10:58 PM PDT
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I'll take to the sky! for I am the legendary sky king.

LOL!

  • 12.01.2009 1:28 PM PDT
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PROBLEM FIFTEEN: THE SCARAB

If it's not a compensation for something, I don't know what is. The Scarab is a HUGE war machine complete with a plasma cannon that can wipe out more children than Michael Jackson running a day care center.

Truth: You know, there's something about that mining machine.

(A Scarab is digging for mushrooms in a large excavation site, and vaporizing everything on the ground)

Regret: Perhaps the mining laser is a tad bit powerful.

(A hole in the ground with a mailbox beside it is shaken violently; a large grey rabbit comes out)

Rabbit: What's with all this racket?

(The Scarab aims the mining laser at the rabbit and Truth watches)

Rabbit: (begins chewing on carrot) Nyah...what's up chair jockey?

Truth: FIRE!!!

(The Scarab cannon fires, creating a large crater with the rabbit hole unscathed in the middle)

Rabbit: What's the big idea?!?

(The Scarab stomps on the rabbit's head)

In short, as it surprisingly turns out, you dig with mining tools instead of a laser beam on super crack. Of course, the first design for the "transport scarab" was a little bit screwed up as it had a giant platform on the back of it. This platform could easily be susceptible to damaging things such as termites, lice, and a battle rifle wielding Master Chief. We can only imagine why this was designed this way...

(An Elite is sitting on the couch in a basement wrapped in a Snuggie, eating Hot Pockets while watching a movie)

Elite: I love Return of the King. You have to be uber BA to watch it 77 times in a row.

TV: Drive them to the river!!! Yeey!!!

Elite: (eyes wide with anticipation)This is super-cool.

Elite's Mom: JEREMY!!!! DID YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE???

Elite: NO MOM!!!!!

Elite's Mom: COULD YOU DO IT NOW SWEETIE??

Elite: NOT NOW MOM!!!! THEODEN KING NEEDS TO DEFEAT THE ORCS OF SAURON!!!!

Elite's Mom: WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GIRL YOU WERE GOING TO SEE?!?

Elite: SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!! AS LONG AS I'M THE FAN CLUB PRESIDENT, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE ALWAYS COMES FIRST!!!!

Elite's Mom: WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE?!?!? OR DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE??

Elite: SHUT UP MOTHER!!!!! Dude, Theoden is going to be pwned.

TV: (The elephants surge forward)

Elite: This is better than muskmelons.

TV: (roaring and various battle noises, several elephant-like creatures run out into the fray)

Elite: (noticing the giant creatures with platforms on their backs are full of soldiers) Wait... What if- I think I have an idea!

TV: Reform the line!!! (The elephants charge forward, destroying all in their path)

Elite: THAT'S IT!!! I've got it!!!
(The Elite springs off of the couch, and looks up with eyes burning with fervor)

Elite: MOOOOM!!!! MORE HOT POCKETS!!!!

Yes, Jeremy the Elite didn't invent the Scarab, but he eventually did find a human who could help him create a device for the Prophets...

Elite: An emissary from humanity my lords. He brings us advanced technology.

Truth: Send him in....

Elite: Of course Excellency...I must be going. Mother awaits me.

(A human with blonde hair, and a scrunched up face walks into the room)

Human: Hey there prophets, its Vince with ShamWow! Do you need to clean up hooker blood and vomit from last night's party? Paper towel ain't gonna do it. Sponge ain't gonna do it! ShamWow does it all!

Regret: (looking at Truth) What is this heresy?

Vince: ShamWow holds 20,000 times it's weight in liquid. Take it out, doesn't even drip.

(Vince squeezes out the towel and water dumps all over the throne room floor)

Mercy: This floor was just washed you scum.

Vince: (rubbing the ShamWow on the stairs) Great for cleaning banisters...

Truth: Shut him up!!!

Vince: Watch this. Throw it on the wall, doesn't even stick.

(A grunt is watching with delight)

Grunt: Is it snuggly, oh human one?

Vince: Soft enough to caress a baby, strong enough to smother it.

Truth: Call security up here.

(The human begins pouring Coca-Cola on a desk full of important information and maps)

Vince: Here's some cola drink. Wine, coffee, cola, vodka, teletubby sweat, dog blood, that Drain-O your son tried to drink last night, Fecal matter, milk...

Mercy: Three Elites are on the way to slaughter him. But we must kill the heretic as well.

(A plasma bolt rips into the grunt's head, Vince runs up with his ShamWow)

Vince: Not only is the damage gonna be on top. See this (He pulls up a paper towel from the grunt blood) There's your mildew. See that? That's gonna fricking reek.

Truth: What is he doing?!?!?

Vince: Okay we're gonna do this in real time. Watch. We put it on the spill, without applying any pressure, 30% of the blood, gone. You getting this -blam!-? Now the other 50%...

(He begins pounding the towel on the blood)

Vince: The color starts to come up. You're not going to get that from an ordinary paper towel.

(The three elites burst in with rifles at the ready)

Elite Captain: Shall we destroy him now?

Truth: Wait! Tell me more...

Vince: ShamWow, you're gonna be saying WOW every time.

Mercy: Well then! All I can say is Sham-WOW.

Eventually they decided to use the ShamWows for something more practical, such as painting over it and calling it Unggoy armor.

Besides the pure stupidity for buying ShamWows, the Covenant decided they'd need a better scarab after what happened in New Mombasa in Halo 2.

Elite Captain: This is the greatest craft in the Covenant ground fleet. No one could possibly destroy it.

Aid: Sir! The demon Master Chief is on scanners sir!

Elite Captain: Let me see...he's armed with an empty magnum, an SMG with 7 rounds, and one frag grenade. He is without a doubt the worst Spartan I've ever heard of.

Aid: But you have heard of him!

Then, they were embarrassed yet again when the Brute owned Scarab was stolen while trying to activate Halo on Installation 05.

Brute Captain: Now that the Scarab on Earth has been destroyed. THIS is the greatest craft in the Covenant ground fleet. No one could possibly destroy it!

Aid: Sir! The heretic Arbiter is on scanners sire!

Brute Captain: Let me see...he's armed with a half depleted sword, an empty plasma pistol, and one grenade. He is without a doubt the worst elite I've ever heard of.

Avery Johnson: This thing is mine now you gorillas!!

(The Scarab leaves the area and begins destroying wraiths)

Aid: They've stolen the ship!

Brute Captain: BLOODY PIRATES!!!

This was all fixed in Halo 3 when the incompetent pilots were replaced with the worms Toyota used to create hunters. The shape also drastically changed to make it look like a scarab instead of a walking steel basket. Now for some official facts!

The Scarab is meant to assault heavily defended structures and barriers and to give quick unstoppable support for Covenant troops on the ground. It can also deliver Covenant ground troops to their destination through heavily defended areas; this could mean death for the defending troops, such as the UNSC Marines. Unlike most Covenant ground vehicles, the Scarab does not make use of a Boosted Gravity Propulsion Drive for movement. Instead, it uses four large, powerful legs to traverse terrain most vehicles cannot, including climbing over buildings, trenches, mountains and other obstacles.

If only the humans could've gone straight up Luke Skywalker and tied up the legs with a cable thingy and make it fall. This could probably be done with a Hornet, but I doubt you could find a cable strong enough....

Billy Mays: Hi!! Billy Mays here with Mighty Putty! Are you trying to save the human race! Well for only 19.95, you can...

Master Chief: Enough...

(Master Chief roundhouse kicks Billy's head off)

We didn't need Billy Mays anyway, or the UNSC for that matter. If we really wanted to, we could've had Chuck Norris eat human babies and then crap out Delta Force commandos.

Scarabs are quite notable for their intimidating, spider-like appearance, large size, and massive firepower. Their legs are surprisingly swift and accurate for their size, and were even able to find holds in narrow places, such as a canyon on Installation 05 or the streets of Mombasa. These legs can also be used as weapons, as a monstrous pointed leg is able to crush anything that happens to get in its way, such as a truck. A Scarab's legs can be destroyed with enough firepower.

So it's big, and accurate? It's large but has excellent reflexes? Quite an oxymoron, but if it could crush a truck I'd back off.

The Scarab can hold squads of Grunts and Jackals, as well as a few Brutes or Elites to prevent it from it being boarded, if anything managed to get close enough. They have been used in many battles against enemies, such the Battle of Reach, both battles of Earth and the Battle of the Ark. If a Scarab did get boarded, and there were no surviving Covenant troops on board, the Scarab could be eliminated by destroying its vulnerable reactor.

That's right! Blow it up from the inside! No one's ever used that idea before, ah well. Just be happy the Covenant thought of it before the Communists did. Better dead than red.
TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: PROWLERS: IT'S A BOBSLED FROM HELL!

  • 12.01.2009 1:55 PM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 15 is Out!]
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

So... Instead of being made by ford it was made by the covenant and that ShamWow guy?

[Edited on 12.02.2009 4:58 AM PST]

  • 12.02.2009 4:58 AM PDT

There once was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The end.

SCFH

Chuck Norris seems to be a big factor in this story, lol!

Keep it up!

  • 12.02.2009 6:24 PM PDT
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Posted by: Halfa55al
Chuck Norris seems to be a big factor in this story, lol!

Keep it up!


Not really a Story, more of a Long Rant on why the Covenant Fail.

Chuck Norris is as equel as all of the other characters. Hes just Mentioned more Often. . . (Because If I dont, he'll kick my head off)

And Thanks, I'll try to keep it Up. :)

I might fall behind cuz its christmas and I REALLY want more replies.

  • 12.02.2009 11:03 PM PDT
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I'll take to the sky! for I am the legendary sky king.

LOL!

  • 12.03.2009 12:21 AM PDT
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Posted by: sora takeuchi
LOL!


Please dont do that. It Counts as spam. If you want to say "lol" then please do so in style.

Say Why you thought it was "lol".

I dont want to get this Thread locked, Because Iv put a lot of effort into it.

  • 12.03.2009 1:10 AM PDT

All our dreams come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.
The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.

Posted by: Harlow
Davey is beyond any shadow of a doubt that red haired F-Blam!- tryhard that would always keep you from seeing the Deku Tree.


[16:45] kalriq: because you're a living legend --<3

I died laughing. SOMEONE should make this into a Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy-esque movie.

I WOULD BUY 10 COPIES.

  • 12.03.2009 4:02 AM PDT
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Posted by: Cloxverto
I died laughing. SOMEONE should make this into a Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy-esque movie.

I WOULD BUY 10 COPIES.


Please Dont die. You'll make me sad.

And , How much money can i make from these "Movies" of which you speak?

  • 12.03.2009 4:04 AM PDT
Subject: [story] Why The Covenant Lost This War (Chapter Two is Up!)
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No matter how many seals are killed by sharks a year, it never seems to be enough :D

It's seven thirty, I'm not a morning person, and i STILL laughed my ass off. Thank you man. Hunters really woke me up. Maybe i wont sleep through English class today!!! Great stuff bro, keep it up. I'll be sure to catch up on the rest as soon as i can.

  • 12.03.2009 4:32 AM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Posted by: Dead Major
It's seven thirty, I'm not a morning person, and i STILL laughed my ass off. Thank you man. Hunters really woke me up. Maybe i wont sleep through English class today!!! Great stuff bro, keep it up. I'll be sure to catch up on the rest as soon as i can.
You're in for a real treat when you reach the Prophet part. ;)

  • 12.03.2009 1:48 PM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Why The Covenant Lost This War [Problem 15 is Out!]
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http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3852359/1/Why_the_Covenant_Lost_t he_War
I'm the actual author, my whole story (27 chapters so far) is here.
He(she) didn't give me any credit for this. I'm kind of pissed about that. No credit given to me, no anything. I don't mind people laughing at it, and sharing it. But taking credit for what I wrote makes me mad.

[Edited on 12.03.2009 4:03 PM PST]

  • 12.03.2009 4:02 PM PDT
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Oh wait, he's taken other stories too.
Adventures of Uncle Ted: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3850754/1/The_Adventures_of_Uncle _Ted
Master Chief Saves Christmas: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3944275/1/Master_Chief_Saves_Chri stmas

I mean really, claiming to put a lot of effort into work you didn't do? That just really pisses me off. You can keep posting this if you cite me with each one, and stop claiming that you're working on chapters that have been out OVER A YEAR. The same thing with all my other works you've stolen without asking.
(A big thanks to the member of this forum who alerted me to this happening)

[Edited on 12.03.2009 4:14 PM PST]

  • 12.03.2009 4:07 PM PDT
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Posted by: Grunt Killa44
Posted by: sora takeuchi
LOL!


Please dont do that. It Counts as spam. If you want to say "lol" then please do so in style.

Say Why you thought it was "lol".

I dont want to get this Thread locked, Because Iv put a lot of effort into it.


Sorry for triple post, that last sentence just royally pisses me off.

  • 12.03.2009 4:34 PM PDT
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I'll take to the sky! for I am the legendary sky king.

Posted by: LordMandalore
Posted by: Grunt Killa44
Posted by: sora takeuchi
LOL!


Please dont do that. It Counts as spam. If you want to say "lol" then please do so in style.

Say Why you thought it was "lol".

I dont want to get this Thread locked, Because Iv put a lot of effort into it.


Sorry for triple post, that last sentence just royally pisses me off.
-blam!- really! Wow I'm disappointed in him.

  • 12.04.2009 12:02 AM PDT

You are an absolute pathetic waste of space Grunt. You have no imagination, so you steal other fanfictions.

You give the other hard working writers of this forum a bad name. Shame on you.

  • 12.04.2009 1:25 AM PDT
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At the End I was going to say That Mandalore Made it.

Sorry Guys. Mandalore, Keep posting the Chapters in this Post for me.

I thought it was really funny and wanted to share it with you.

Mandalores the Best, And Im not dissapointed if you all hate me.

Keep writing good storys Mandalore. :)

  • 12.04.2009 3:08 AM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Posted by: Grunt Killa44
At the End I was going to say That Mandalore Made it.

Sorry Guys. Mandalore, Keep posting the Chapters in this Post for me.

I thought it was really funny and wanted to share it with you.

Mandalores the Best, And Im not dissapointed if you all hate me.

Keep writing good storys Mandalore. :)
Should have said it at the start not the end. :(

  • 12.04.2009 6:17 AM PDT
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Posted by: Grunt Killa44
At the End I was going to say That Mandalore Made it.

Sorry Guys. Mandalore, Keep posting the Chapters in this Post for me.

I thought it was really funny and wanted to share it with you.

Mandalores the Best, And Im not dissapointed if you all hate me.

Keep writing good storys Mandalore. :)


You know, I wish I could believe that. But it seems that you've been putting up about "how hard you're working on this" and your "big plans" for other chapters. To top it off, you've taken two OTHER stories of mine and claimed them as your own. PLUS you've taken The Spartans of Gamma Company (another author, which I work with AND have already notified) and claimed that as your own. Even if it is the truth, cite things at the BEGINNING.
Besides, I think Grunt is Australian. The English-style is American, most pop culture references are American, and only an American would be crazy enough to write such a thing.
I now take credit as being the Crazy American =P

  • 12.04.2009 6:53 AM PDT
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Oh, and because you did apologize you can feel free to post these up, even though they're readily availible. Though I will take the liberty of posting a link to a NEW chapter here.
Thank you for apologizing at least, I'm glad there was no argument. (Doing that would have forced me to post your gamertag on my site and let tens of thousands of subscribers mob your account XD)
In a lighter tone, seems like people enjoy it at least =D

  • 12.04.2009 6:57 AM PDT
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[quote]Posted by: Grunt Killa44
Thanks xd lol. Its an honor to be up there with Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Hahah. Anyways Heres Recruits.

Might Actually start writing a Serious Story soon. :)(TWO PARTS AGAIN!!!!)
[quote}

* * * * *


Thanks xd lol. Its an honor to be up there with Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Hahah. Anyways Heres Recruits.

Might Actually start writing a Serious Story soon.
Crap, another triple post >:(

[Edited on 12.04.2009 7:05 AM PST]

  • 12.04.2009 7:04 AM PDT

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