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PROBLEM FIFTEEN: THE SCARAB
If it's not a compensation for something, I don't know what is. The Scarab is a HUGE war machine complete with a plasma cannon that can wipe out more children than Michael Jackson running a day care center.
Truth: You know, there's something about that mining machine.
(A Scarab is digging for mushrooms in a large excavation site, and vaporizing everything on the ground)
Regret: Perhaps the mining laser is a tad bit powerful.
(A hole in the ground with a mailbox beside it is shaken violently; a large grey rabbit comes out)
Rabbit: What's with all this racket?
(The Scarab aims the mining laser at the rabbit and Truth watches)
Rabbit: (begins chewing on carrot) Nyah...what's up chair jockey?
Truth: FIRE!!!
(The Scarab cannon fires, creating a large crater with the rabbit hole unscathed in the middle)
Rabbit: What's the big idea?!?
(The Scarab stomps on the rabbit's head)
In short, as it surprisingly turns out, you dig with mining tools instead of a laser beam on super crack. Of course, the first design for the "transport scarab" was a little bit screwed up as it had a giant platform on the back of it. This platform could easily be susceptible to damaging things such as termites, lice, and a battle rifle wielding Master Chief. We can only imagine why this was designed this way...
(An Elite is sitting on the couch in a basement wrapped in a Snuggie, eating Hot Pockets while watching a movie)
Elite: I love Return of the King. You have to be uber BA to watch it 77 times in a row.
TV: Drive them to the river!!! Yeey!!!
Elite: (eyes wide with anticipation)This is super-cool.
Elite's Mom: JEREMY!!!! DID YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE???
Elite: NO MOM!!!!!
Elite's Mom: COULD YOU DO IT NOW SWEETIE??
Elite: NOT NOW MOM!!!! THEODEN KING NEEDS TO DEFEAT THE ORCS OF SAURON!!!!
Elite's Mom: WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GIRL YOU WERE GOING TO SEE?!?
Elite: SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME!!! AS LONG AS I'M THE FAN CLUB PRESIDENT, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE ALWAYS COMES FIRST!!!!
Elite's Mom: WHY DON'T YOU GO OUTSIDE?!?!? OR DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE??
Elite: SHUT UP MOTHER!!!!! Dude, Theoden is going to be pwned.
TV: (The elephants surge forward)
Elite: This is better than muskmelons.
TV: (roaring and various battle noises, several elephant-like creatures run out into the fray)
Elite: (noticing the giant creatures with platforms on their backs are full of soldiers) Wait... What if- I think I have an idea!
TV: Reform the line!!! (The elephants charge forward, destroying all in their path)
Elite: THAT'S IT!!! I've got it!!!
(The Elite springs off of the couch, and looks up with eyes burning with fervor)
Elite: MOOOOM!!!! MORE HOT POCKETS!!!!
Yes, Jeremy the Elite didn't invent the Scarab, but he eventually did find a human who could help him create a device for the Prophets...
Elite: An emissary from humanity my lords. He brings us advanced technology.
Truth: Send him in....
Elite: Of course Excellency...I must be going. Mother awaits me.
(A human with blonde hair, and a scrunched up face walks into the room)
Human: Hey there prophets, its Vince with ShamWow! Do you need to clean up hooker blood and vomit from last night's party? Paper towel ain't gonna do it. Sponge ain't gonna do it! ShamWow does it all!
Regret: (looking at Truth) What is this heresy?
Vince: ShamWow holds 20,000 times it's weight in liquid. Take it out, doesn't even drip.
(Vince squeezes out the towel and water dumps all over the throne room floor)
Mercy: This floor was just washed you scum.
Vince: (rubbing the ShamWow on the stairs) Great for cleaning banisters...
Truth: Shut him up!!!
Vince: Watch this. Throw it on the wall, doesn't even stick.
(A grunt is watching with delight)
Grunt: Is it snuggly, oh human one?
Vince: Soft enough to caress a baby, strong enough to smother it.
Truth: Call security up here.
(The human begins pouring Coca-Cola on a desk full of important information and maps)
Vince: Here's some cola drink. Wine, coffee, cola, vodka, teletubby sweat, dog blood, that Drain-O your son tried to drink last night, Fecal matter, milk...
Mercy: Three Elites are on the way to slaughter him. But we must kill the heretic as well.
(A plasma bolt rips into the grunt's head, Vince runs up with his ShamWow)
Vince: Not only is the damage gonna be on top. See this (He pulls up a paper towel from the grunt blood) There's your mildew. See that? That's gonna fricking reek.
Truth: What is he doing?!?!?
Vince: Okay we're gonna do this in real time. Watch. We put it on the spill, without applying any pressure, 30% of the blood, gone. You getting this -blam!-? Now the other 50%...
(He begins pounding the towel on the blood)
Vince: The color starts to come up. You're not going to get that from an ordinary paper towel.
(The three elites burst in with rifles at the ready)
Elite Captain: Shall we destroy him now?
Truth: Wait! Tell me more...
Vince: ShamWow, you're gonna be saying WOW every time.
Mercy: Well then! All I can say is Sham-WOW.
Eventually they decided to use the ShamWows for something more practical, such as painting over it and calling it Unggoy armor.
Besides the pure stupidity for buying ShamWows, the Covenant decided they'd need a better scarab after what happened in New Mombasa in Halo 2.
Elite Captain: This is the greatest craft in the Covenant ground fleet. No one could possibly destroy it.
Aid: Sir! The demon Master Chief is on scanners sir!
Elite Captain: Let me see...he's armed with an empty magnum, an SMG with 7 rounds, and one frag grenade. He is without a doubt the worst Spartan I've ever heard of.
Aid: But you have heard of him!
Then, they were embarrassed yet again when the Brute owned Scarab was stolen while trying to activate Halo on Installation 05.
Brute Captain: Now that the Scarab on Earth has been destroyed. THIS is the greatest craft in the Covenant ground fleet. No one could possibly destroy it!
Aid: Sir! The heretic Arbiter is on scanners sire!
Brute Captain: Let me see...he's armed with a half depleted sword, an empty plasma pistol, and one grenade. He is without a doubt the worst elite I've ever heard of.
Avery Johnson: This thing is mine now you gorillas!!
(The Scarab leaves the area and begins destroying wraiths)
Aid: They've stolen the ship!
Brute Captain: BLOODY PIRATES!!!
This was all fixed in Halo 3 when the incompetent pilots were replaced with the worms Toyota used to create hunters. The shape also drastically changed to make it look like a scarab instead of a walking steel basket. Now for some official facts!
The Scarab is meant to assault heavily defended structures and barriers and to give quick unstoppable support for Covenant troops on the ground. It can also deliver Covenant ground troops to their destination through heavily defended areas; this could mean death for the defending troops, such as the UNSC Marines. Unlike most Covenant ground vehicles, the Scarab does not make use of a Boosted Gravity Propulsion Drive for movement. Instead, it uses four large, powerful legs to traverse terrain most vehicles cannot, including climbing over buildings, trenches, mountains and other obstacles.
If only the humans could've gone straight up Luke Skywalker and tied up the legs with a cable thingy and make it fall. This could probably be done with a Hornet, but I doubt you could find a cable strong enough....
Billy Mays: Hi!! Billy Mays here with Mighty Putty! Are you trying to save the human race! Well for only 19.95, you can...
Master Chief: Enough...
(Master Chief roundhouse kicks Billy's head off)
We didn't need Billy Mays anyway, or the UNSC for that matter. If we really wanted to, we could've had Chuck Norris eat human babies and then crap out Delta Force commandos.
Scarabs are quite notable for their intimidating, spider-like appearance, large size, and massive firepower. Their legs are surprisingly swift and accurate for their size, and were even able to find holds in narrow places, such as a canyon on Installation 05 or the streets of Mombasa. These legs can also be used as weapons, as a monstrous pointed leg is able to crush anything that happens to get in its way, such as a truck. A Scarab's legs can be destroyed with enough firepower.
So it's big, and accurate? It's large but has excellent reflexes? Quite an oxymoron, but if it could crush a truck I'd back off.
The Scarab can hold squads of Grunts and Jackals, as well as a few Brutes or Elites to prevent it from it being boarded, if anything managed to get close enough. They have been used in many battles against enemies, such the Battle of Reach, both battles of Earth and the Battle of the Ark. If a Scarab did get boarded, and there were no surviving Covenant troops on board, the Scarab could be eliminated by destroying its vulnerable reactor.
That's right! Blow it up from the inside! No one's ever used that idea before, ah well. Just be happy the Covenant thought of it before the Communists did. Better dead than red.
TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: PROWLERS: IT'S A BOBSLED FROM HELL!