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  • Subject: [Funny Story] Master Chief Saves Christmas [ Chapter Four is Up]
Subject: [Funny Story] Master Chief Saves Christmas [ Chapter Four is Up]
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Note: May Contain Adult References and Swear Words.



Note Before:

This is a Special Short Story that I will add to each Week for Christmas. This is a Christmas Orientated Funny Story!




Chapters: (Only Posting Links if on Seperate Page)

Chapter One: You Killed Santa Clause! [This Post]

Chapter Two: To the North Pole!

Chapter Three: Getting Past Security

Chapter Four: Subtle Changes



In a horrible mixup, Master Chief must save Christmas. It gets worse when the Arbiter uncovers a dark secret. Then, in a heartwarming trip to the North Pole, Master Chief and his allies must defeat The Flood, and discover the true meaning of Christmas.



Chapter One: You Killed Santa Clause!

Master Chief Spartan 117 grimaced as more plasma mortar fire erupted around him, breaking the silence of the cold December air by killing marines and wounding several others. The Chief was used to violence no doubt, but he absolutely hated being pinned down, not able to kill his enemy.

He looked over the ridge of the trench to see several Brutes firing away with their multi grenade launchers before a large group of grunts ran forward with primed grenades.

Suicidal bastard. Chief thought before firing a few volleys from his SMG. He felt a brief satisfaction as several of the grunts fell, but some kept coming forward, determined to flush out the marines. The Spartan then reached down, priming a grenade, and threw it over and heard a large explosion. One grunt corpse flew clear over the trench where it landed inside what used to be a Starbucks.

Chief smiled to himself, thinking it was all well. Then he heard a sound worse than a thousand Flood.

"Don't worry! I'll get em Master Sir!"

"DAMNIT CANDY!!!" Chief screamed as a large 6'2 marine ran out of the trench.

He had recently been dealing with Chief Master Sergeant William Candy, who was from Louisiana and had an accent to match. Saying his name in the accent was possibly the most annoying thing Chief had ever heard. Worst of all, no matter what he did, he just didn't seem to die even when doing something incredibly stupid

(Candy wasn't all that bright).

Now, Candy was running towards the enemy holding a churro in one hand and a spatula in the other. Candy ran towards a grunt and smacked it in the head with the spatula. This gave the grunt an aneurysm and it died.

Suddenly, a large Brute emerged from the other trench firing with its shotgun like weapon. Sgt. Candy then sprayed Silly String it its face.

"MY EYES!!!!" It roared as it went running back to the Brute forces, it then smacked into an unstable building, which then fell on the entire Brute force.

Chief looked on, bewildered.

Sgt. Candy then ran towards the Master Chief, and tried to salute him but instead smacked him in the helmet with the spatula.

"HI!" Candy shouted in Chief's face. "I'm Chief Master Sergeant William CANdy."

He always emphasizes the can. Chief thought before screaming, "I KNOW YOUR NAME YOU'VE TOLD ME ABOUT 60 MILLION FREAKING TIMES!!!"

Candy didn't seem to noticed, but soon a red dot appeared on Chief's radar, he looked up to see a Brute craft flying overhead with a large Red Brute inside, it seemed it was being carried by ion engines tied to ropes.

What the hell? Chief thought, before pulling the Bazooka out of his pocket and blasting the thing out of the sky. It erupted in flames and then smashed into the ground in a spectacular boom. Strangely, it seemed intact.

Chief menacingly walked towards it, when a strange green grunt leaped out and screamed. The Spartan simply blew the thing away with his new wrist shotgun. As he approached the Brute corpse, he noticed something was strange about it.

It was a very odd Brute, it was turned over but it seemed like a large strand of white hair was coming out from its face. A beard? Chief thought, two new types of enemies in one day, the strange Grunt and now this.

He was really surprised when he saw the craft, they weren't engine. They were reindeer.

"What the hell?" Chief said aloud. Reindeer had been extinct for centuries.

He then saw a large sack on the back of the craft. MUNITIONS! Chief screamed in his mind before he threw all his grenades at the sack and took cover.

There was a large explosion, but the craft and sack were unharmed.

What kind of overshield is this? Chief reached down to the Brute and picked up a small holocard, and his eyes widened in horror beneath his helmet.

Suddenly, Sgt. Candy ran up, and seeing the wreck, his eyes widened.

"!" he shouted, "You done killed Sanny' Claus!"


[Edited on 12.01.2009 2:21 PM PST]

  • 11.18.2009 11:07 PM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Master Chief Saves Christmas [ Chapter One Up]
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I am megaman!

LOL!

  • 11.19.2009 1:07 AM PDT

There once was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The end.

SCFH

I knew exactly what was going to happen whe nyou said "reindeer".

I didn't know Master Chief hated Santa Clause! Wait, this means no Presents! Oh no!

  • 11.19.2009 4:11 PM PDT
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Narrator (Me) will talk in Bold Letters.



Chapter 2: To The North Pole!

Gruntkilla44: What the hell? Is this thing on? Oh ok...

I'm the Narrator, I speak without fail

I will probably annoy you throughout this whole tale

So HOHOHOHO! I bet you feel fickle

That Chief got all of Earths in a pickle.

Do not be afraid, no reason to fear!

For Chief will soon learn the meaning of true Christmas Cheer.


Chief looked down at the corpse in pure disbelief.

HOW THE HELL COULD I KILL SANTA? THERE IS NO SANTA!

Sgt. Candy only stared forward, not blinking. And before anybody could move, Lieutenant Jackson walked forward and slapped John's shoulder.

"Good work Chief," he remarked with a smile, "The Covenant couldn't take Berlin, even in this damn weather. Attacking five days before Christmas... the bastards."

Then, Jackson caught site of Candy staring forward.

"How you doing Arnold?" the officer grinned. He nicknamed the sarge Arnold because he looked EXACTLY like Arnold Schwarzenegger, the 46th President of the United States.

Last, he saw Santa's smoking corpse lying face down in the snow, all he could get out was a simple "Whoa."

All three of them simply stood there, shaking their heads. Actually, Candy was still staring off into space, confused that his childhood fairy tale was lying dead at his feet, because of a Spartan.

Finally, Candy broke the tension by simply screaming out into the cold air. Then, he simply began to rant.

"WHY'D YOU KILL SANTA MASTER CHIEF?!?!?" he yelled, "Now what are we going to do? I can't eat all of those cookies in front of my chimney by myself and I can't bear to eat carrots! CHIEF WHAT ABOUT CHRISTMAS?!!?"

He then fell facedown on the ground and sobbed uncontrollably. The Spartan was becoming more and more uncomfortable that this full grown marine was crying over Santa.

So I killed Fatty, Chief thought Oh well, no big deal for the UNSC.

Then, the worst news of all came when the Arbiter walked into their midst, after having just been introduced to the human concept of MTV. The Sanghelli looked down at the corpse and his mandible opened up.

"YOU FOOLS!!! You have slain a Forerunner!" Arbiter roared.

Spartan 117 was becoming even more confused when he saw a small man in a green suit walk up to them.

"Ohhhhh..it's just as I feared. You whacked the boss. That's okay though!" The elf smiled.

Candy was simply delighted, and all signs of former sadness were gone.

"A real Christmas elf! Will you sign my Butt?"

The elf looked up, and shook his head frowning, and then he looked back at Chief.

"Well, the only way to settle this is to go to the North Pole!"

Chief finally spoke,

"Hell no."

Jackson simply walked back to the UNSC line, muttering something about too much Scotch. Candy dived into the sleigh, legs sticking straight up into the air. The Arbiter obediently boarded, and Master Chief (sighing) sat down in the driver's seat. The Elf sat down and Chief looked at him.

"Where are we going you creepy gnome?" The Spartan asked.

"We're going home Santa!" the elf cheered.

"SANTA?!?!?!" Chief bellowed before the sleigh took off in an obelisk of light.

Meanwhile, the Marine and Elite force mobilized, and was leaving towards another target somewhere else in Germany, leaving Santa's corpse behind.

It was a shame nobody noticed the lone infector form slithering towards Santa...

  • 11.21.2009 12:13 AM PDT

LOL!

  • 11.21.2009 7:38 AM PDT
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SAS Halo 3

Well Its Been a Week-Ish since the last Chapter. So Heres the Next Chapter.

Remember: "Im not Working on This Hard Like my other FanFics, as this is only a Special Christmas Treat"



Chapter Three: Getting Past Security

Gruntkilla44: Damn it Arbiter hold the camera still!

Uh...HOHOHOHO! You've returned I see

Come to hear more of the story from me

Well I know, you probably think "Hey!

What the hell will Chief do in that sleigh?"

The story is long, and to be honest, quite g*y

But I will finish the tale before they put me away...



The sleigh shot through air, and nothing seemed to be moving around them. Even the Covenant ships patrolling the atmosphere seemed to be still and take no notice of the red craft. Chief looked at the elf in confusion.

"Why aren't they firing at us?" The Spartan asked

"We have a Chronoshifter!" The elf gleefully replied

Candy popped out of the toy sack, "Is that a kind of shrimp? There's all sorts of things you can do with shrimp. You can skewer it, barbecue it, saute it, marinate it, make sushi, shrimp cocktails..."

Candy continued to drone about the different ways to prepare shrimp while the elf explained what the device was.

"You see, a while back Santa realized that there were too many children for him to deliver presents traditionally."

"Boil it, steam it, prepare with a side of corn..." Candy Continued.

"So...we developed a Chronoshifter..."

"Fricassee it, roast it, fry it, deep fry it..." Candy Kept droning on about how to prepare shrimps.

"...that basically freezes time of everything outside the sleigh when activated." The elf continued

"And that's just about it." Candy suddenly declared, staring off into space. Everyone gave him a strange look and the Arbiter was puzzled figuring out just what shrimp was. The elf, annoyed at being interrupted yet again, continued.

"It stops any time paradoxes with a special design used in a shiftsuit made in the 21st century."

Suddenly Candy spoke up, "Just like Timeshift!"

A silence fell upon the group and the clouds opened up to reveal the Narrator (a man wearing Spartan armor and a Dead Grunt in his hand, wearing a Santa hat on his helmet) simply shake his head no. Then, everyone but Candy said the required dues.

"No mention of any other games that would possibly contemplate that Halo is and could not be real is strictly forbidden."

Then the clouds closed back up and the trip continued until they finally arrived at a barren patch of ice, barren except for a lone Christmas tree. Chief immediately leaped out of the sleigh, failing to notice that the star on top of the tree was slowly revolving while making a low hum. Chief did this much to the elf's protest.

"Santa! Wait!" he cried, but it was too late.

The star on the tree stopped and a large infrared scanning beam focused in on chief's head. Then the middle section of the tree fired off an ornament, where it exploded directly behind chief like a fragmentation grenade. In fact it WAS a grenade.

"HOLY S***!!" Chief roared before dodging the new projectiles.

The middle section of the tree also began rotating slowly, firing off grenades when the side was pointed towards him, almost like a revolver spinning. Then, the other sections did likewise and Master Chief was dodging explosive ornaments. He then charged the tree, planning to chop it down.

Unfortunately, the candy cane tips concealed a two foot long spear that retracted in. Now, they retracted out and fired at the Spartan with massive force. Chief shot most of these out of the air with his sidearm, but one pinned Candy to the sleigh by his pants.

As Chief got even closer, narrowly dodging candy cane spears and frag grenades, the tree seemed to shudder, and millions of razor sharp titanium-alloy pine tree needles shot off in every direction.

Most of these stuck into the warrior's armor, but not enough to pierce it.

The rest of the group screamed and dived behind the sleigh, where it was impacted with needles.

The Christmas lights danced wildly, shooting off large arcs of electricity in random directions. Until Chief reached the tree, then everything stopped.

Arbiter and Candy looked over the sleigh, but the elf still crouched down.

Then, the star on top of the tree began blinking. Then, it gradually began to blink faster, and Chief realized what would happen. He roared and ran back as fast as he could, pumping his muscles with strain.

He dived to the other side of the sleigh just as the remnants of the tree exploded; making a small mushroom cloud that could be seen from space.

The Arbiter, continued to stay silent and Candy was as amazed as Chief. The elf brushed the snow and dirt off his tights and looked at Chief.

"I told you to wait, Santa," the elf said accusingly "I needed to turn off the security system." The elf pulled a small remote out of his pocket, and pointed it at the crater where the tree had been. He pushed a button, and the fellowship heard two chirps like a car alarm. Then, the ground broke off in a part and a staircase was revealed. The Arbiter, who had been so silent, stumbled in first followed closely by Candy, who seemed more excited than an 8-year old girl scout. Finally, the Chief walked in, almost being pushed by the elf that followed so close behind. Then the ground closed up and the spot was once again hidden.

As a light appeared in the darkness, they beheld the Arbiter who stared forward with shock. The Chief followed his gaze, and his jaw dropped inside his helmet in pure disbelief.

  • 11.24.2009 2:49 PM PDT

There once was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The end.

SCFH

What? Don't stop now! Keep on going! I want to know how Master Chief saved Christmas! The Story must go on!

  • 11.25.2009 6:11 AM PDT
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I'll take to the sky! for I am the legendary sky king.

LOL!

  • 12.01.2009 1:29 PM PDT
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SAS Halo 3

Chapter Four: Subtle Changes

There was a giant factory, being run by what appeared to be thousands of elves. They were operating machinery using technology that seemed far beyond even the Covenant's capabilities. This technology could be turned into so many warfare related materials that to Chief it was perfect. Stately. Beautiful.

The original elf (whose name is still a mystery) looked up at Chief smiling and handed him a golden key.

"Well I guess you've figured out by now how it works." The elf stated cheerfully, "You're the new Santa, which means that you'll be in charge of delivering presents this year."

Sergeant Candy (who had a mouth full of candy canes and gingerbread cookies) looked up at Chief.

"Presents?" He asked, barely understandable.

The elf nodded and let out a "Merry Christmas" before trotting away. The elves all stopped working to look up at their new Santa.

Now this Santa was different then what they expected. Clad in MJOLNIR armor, masked behind his helmet scanning each and every one of the elves. He doesn't look very festive at all, the elves thought. It looked more like Santa was deciding whether to greet them or kill them, which in fact he was. The Arbiter still remained quiet, so confused and bewildered by this new information. Candy was hopping around looking like he was about to wet his pants. Then, the Spartan made an announcement that was both shocking and horrifying to the elves.

"This is now a UNSC munitions factory! There's a war going on and there's not enough ammo to go around! If this works out, we'll have enough ammunition and vehicles to back up the 501st Infantry and 110th Cadian divisions in two days! Now, any questions?"

One elf raised his hand and the Chief simply nodded at him.

"But sir!" he puffed out his chest bravely, "I want to be a dentist!"

Master Chief loaded his shotgun one handed and shot the elf square in the face from 200 yards. Candy squealed.

"Any other questions?" the soldier growled. Now the elves all began to panic and work furiously, the ones nearest to the dissident couldn't move. Chief merely glanced at them, "Clean that mess up." He remarked. He then went into Santa's Office and came out twenty minutes later, with two elves holding assault rifles flanking him.

He walked menacingly through the assembly lines, giving the elves their new assignments. "You there! ATV makers!" the warrior barked, "You're on Mongoose duty! Lexus mongrels! You've got Scorpion tanks to make! You-WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE?" He was referring to the elves making Shrinky Dinks. The elves looked up at him with pleading eyes, "They're Shrinky Dinks Santa! We're too scared to make weapons anyway!" Master Chief was disgusted and knocked one of them to the ground towering over him.

"Are you scared boy?" The Spartan growled, and the elf nodded furiously. "We're all scared. You'd be crazy NOT to be scared..." As the armored man walked away he shouted out a quick order to his new elf security force.

"Sacrifice them to the Christmas beast!" he roared.

At that, a group of armored elves ran out from the new barracks and seized the Shrinky Dink makers. The elves protested while the force dragged them to a gated hole in the ground. The Spartan loyalists then threw the elves into the hole screaming.

Mickey was head of the Shrinky Dink department, and when he landed in the hole, all the other elves were gone. This puzzled Mickey terribly, and then he saw a large ovoid like thing in a corner through the darkness. He approached it carefully, noting that it looked like a large egg. Then, the top of the egg-thing opened up in an X shape, and Mickey could see something moving around inside. Mickey was very curious and peered into the egg. "What have we here?" he said aloud, but the world turned to even deeper darkness as a spider-like thing leaped out and latched onto his face.

One elf knew there'd be trouble, and his name was Peter. Peter then began to slowly, one-by-one, take some of the manufactured weapons and hide them in a bulky toy chest.


----------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Gravemind was sitting alone in an unknown location, pondering what to do with his best flood warrior. Having a Santa combat form was perfect; the man was so magical that even though he was under Flood control, he retained some intelligence. Gravemind was pleased, but he needed to stop Master Chief and the Arbiter before they could cause him any more trouble, so he teleported Santa to a small village near the North Pole. The small village wouldn't be missed, and could help the imminent attack on the North Pole.


--------------------------------------------

3 Days Later...

Candy and the Arbiter sat inside Santa's office, listening to the pandemonium outside. The Arbiter could make out the Spartan screaming something to the candy makers about ODST Helljumpers, but the rest was inaudible. Candy had already begun reading a pamphlet about the security tree they had encountered earlier, and was reading it aloud to the Arbiter. "The Christmas Tree Security System 2500 is for Mom 'n' Dad only. It helps protect unopened presents from "early peekers" in your family." The Arbiter looked up at him.

"Your people use fragmentation grenades against children?" The Arbiter asked inquisitively. Candy only smiled at him.

"Naw. For Christmas, my Mama would always tell me to stay outside the trailer and not look to see what she was doing. If I looked, she'd ram squirrels down my throat."

The Arbiter stared at Candy.

"Live ones too!" Candy grinned.

The Arbiter continued staring at him.

"Sometimes, they'd still be wigglin' when..."

"ENOUGH!" the Arbiter roared. The Arbiter was deep in thought, something was wrong about all of this. He had a bad feeling already when the Chief had the sleigh painted black and a heavy caliber machine gun mounted on it. Now he remembered how the Spartan had acted almost insane, planning to drop down Covenant chemical emission ports and leave explosives in stockings. It could be the Scotch... he thought, looking at all the empty booze bottles everywhere. Our race has no idea what Christmas even is! WE HAVE NO STOCKINGS! The Arbiter shook his head. Candy looked up at the Arbiter, with a distant look in his eyes.

"I think he could be a good Santa! He has Christmas magic! I mean, how could he carry all of those weapons and pull them out of nowhere?"

Suddenly, rifle shots pierced through the air. The Sanghelli and Candy looked up at the door in alarm to see the Chief back through it, holding a turret gun and firing rapidly.

"There's been a rebellion!" Chief bellowed before priming and throwing a plasma grenade. Candy cowered into the corner, holding his spatula and the Arbiter didn't even move. The entire affair of it all is unspeakably violent. Chief gripped an elf, and ripped its throat out revealing...

Gruntkilla44: HOHOHO! I can't let you read this you see.

I guess I'm your V-Chip, just like on TV!

I must protect your sanity, like a skilled British fencer

When it comes to his violence, I have no choice but to...censor.

I will just say, that blood ran through the land.

Let me say it ways, which you'll understand.

Down in the workshop all the elves were once making toys
For the good gentle girls and the good gentle boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and whiskey on his breath

From his helmet to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo

And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers, and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbecued Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said "It tastes just like chicken!"

And the bullets are flying the body count's rising
And the elves are dying to know -"Oh Santa, why?"
My, my, my, my, I guess he's not such a jolly guy.

If you must know, yes Peter is dead
Master Chief fired and blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend, that's his brains on the floor
Guess we won't have that elf to kick around anymore.

But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the surviving elves all got jobs in the postal service

Yes, you are, North Pole is now hell.

But there's still much more of the story to tell...


Master Chief was laughing maniacally holding two smoking SMGs as wounded elves fled the inner bakery. The Spartan rushed forward to chase them down, backed up by support fire from his personal bodyguard. Chief may have already killed the ringleader, but the rhythm of the hunt roared in him. The elves then fled up the ramp into the barren tundra towards the nearest city. Then John howled and fired his weapon into the air. The Arbiter could only look out the observation window that overlooked the factory completely bewildered. The Spartan had been drunk for who knows how long, Candy stood beside the Elite grinning. He made a quick glance at the alien.

* * * *

  • 12.01.2009 2:18 PM PDT
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SAS Halo 3

* * * *

"It could be worse. What if Chief was Jewish and accidentally killed the Great Menorah?"

Then the clouds (which could magically be seen from underground) opened up and the author stared down.

"WHAT?!?" Gruntkilla44 roared. Candy looked up smiling as the author began a brief rant, "LISTEN YOU TRAILER-SITTING-JERRY SPRINGER-LOVING-IDIOT! I WILL NOT HAVE A SEVEN FOOT TALL ARMORED DAVEY STONE LOOSE IN THE WORLD! KEEP TO YOUR LINES! What the hell is a great menorah anyways? This isn't freaking Charlie Brown..."

Then the clouds closed up and the Arbiter slinked away in his depression. Then, the Elite suddenly became extremely alert. As if a sixth sense was aware to a familiar but unknowable presence. Something was coming into the ex-toy factory through the air ducts. He then saw motion and raised his plasma rifle.

"FLOOD!" The Arbiter screamed.


  • 12.01.2009 2:19 PM PDT
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I am the original author, this guy STOLE this story with no citations. Which has been out for over two years. You can find the COMPLETE and original story I wrote here.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3944275/1/Master_Chief_Saves_Chri stmas

  • 12.03.2009 4:18 PM PDT
Subject: [Funny Story] Master Chief Saves Christmas [ Chapter Four is Up]

There once was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The end.

SCFH

keep on going. I want to know what happens with the flood!

[Edited on 12.03.2009 6:34 PM PST]

  • 12.03.2009 6:33 PM PDT

What the hell Grunt? That's pathetic, stealing other fan fics and passing them off as your own. Get out of this forum, now.

  • 12.04.2009 1:22 AM PDT
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Posted by: Halfa55al
keep on going. I want to know what happens with the flood!

Then just copy and paste the link I put into your URL. Whole story is there.

  • 12.04.2009 7:00 AM PDT
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I'll take to the sky! for I am the legendary sky king.

Posted by: LordMandalore
Posted by: Halfa55al
keep on going. I want to know what happens with the flood!

Then just copy and paste the link I put into your URL. Whole story is there.
*cries* Oh I'm so dissapointed in him!

  • 12.04.2009 10:29 AM PDT

Thread should be locked, user should be banned.

  • 12.04.2009 1:27 PM PDT