- LordMandalore
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Ah, it appears I have got it working. I shall begin posting these chapters up here. Seven a day for the next few days =P
Finally, my own reasons of why the Covenant lost to the humans.
PROBLEM ONE: GRUNTS
What kind of advanced alien species makes its main force small midgets that have a helium addiction? In the Covenant language, their name really means "One who is tea bagged when standing in line" but your Halo booklet won't tell you that. Oh no, they call them "Cannon Fodder". Obviously, they're not that smart either. Grunts really can't seem to understand basic problem solving techniques, like those people on airplanes that will try to place an oversized item (suitcase, bag, tractor, etc.) into an overhead storage bin. Grunts will try to overstuff containers, such as attempting to hide a Banshee inside of a wallet. A relatively smart gerbil could easily see that this would not fit into the wallet.
Compare a human soldier telling his commander where food is:
Marine: Sir, there is a stash of MRE packets at LEV-902B
Compared to a grunt
Grunt: When hungry, eat jackal!
Let's go over some more scenarios:
(A marine has a plasma grenade thrown on him)
Marine: AHHH DIE SCUM!!!!
(He jumps towards the nearest covenant formation and explodes)
Now the sad efforts of a grunt:
Grunt: WAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!
(He jumps onto a brute's leg and begins to hump it)
(The Brute yells, and bashes him over the head with a gravity hammer several times before the grunt explodes)
Then there's the planning:
Marine: Sir, I have our supplies.
Tough but Caring Officer: Atta boy Skippy!
Compared to...
Elite: You foolish teabag monkey! How could you possibly replace our entire supply of plasma grenades with Twix bars?!??!!?
Grunt: I WAS UNDER PRESSURE! The demon was looking at me funny
Elite: THAT WAS A TREE! Besides, why did you replace the Sanghelli jetpacks with human canned beverages?!?
Grunt: Red Bull gives you wings!
To make things shorter, here's a list of foolish activities that happened to a Covenant base when a grunt was ordered to "Get a pistol."
Exploding Candy Canes
Pancake Mix in Plasma Rifle
Rabid Unicorn Attack
Loss of Troops by enraged Winnie the Pooh
Hijacking of Santa's sleigh
Assaulted by rabid Teletubbies
Pyro-Chewbacca
Wraiths destroyed by entire gang of "Fat Albert".
A Super-Monkey-Sumo-Diaper-Whipped Cream-Throwing-
Fergalicious-Ralph Nader
(Censored for your own good, trust me on this)
Bar fight between Elmo and Flavor Flav
This is only a small taste of grunt stupidity. Forerunners expected Halo to be activated by grunts. That's why it can be activated via the big red button. It's easy to see that Master Chief grew quite tired with the Covenant; after all they were constantly throwing soldiers that had the IQ of ketchup at him all day long. Chief had to find ways to entertain himself with these leprechauns from hell.
Chief: Sing it again
Grunt: (obviously terrified) I'm a little teapot short and stouthere is my handle. Here is my spout
(The grunt urinates directly of Chief's helmet)
(Master Chief responds by punching a chunk out of the middle of the grunt in a perfect circle)
Chief: NEXT!!!
(Another grunt walks up)
Grunt: Oompa, loompad-d-doopety doo.
Chief: I GROW WEARY OF THIS!!!!
(Master Chief roundhouse kicks its' head off)
Now for some official facts!
Grunts are 5 feet tall and are relatively weak compared to other Covenant species. Although they can easily walk upright on two legs, they are often seen using their arms as legs and moving in a quadrupedal fashion. While carrying armaments, they are forced to walk upright so that they may support their weapons with their hands, but while trying to flee, or while patrolling without a weapon drawn, they use their oversized arms as forelegs to add speed or stability to their gait.
Oversized arms? That just doesn't make sense to give them weapons at all! Besides the extreme tendency they have to flee or throw grenades at allies, I', not sure I've seen a grunt running on all fours.
A Suicide Grunt, also known as a "Kamikaze Grunt", is like a "berserk" mode for the Unggoy in Halo 3. Occasionally, an Unggoy will hold two Plasma Grenades in each hand while screaming in rage and charge towards enemy forces. This is usually triggered by their leader being killed (usually in a brutal way such as sticking him with a grenade).
Gotta love the suicide grunts
Me: This is easy! These midgets drop like flies!
Grunt: (primes two grenades) I HOPE YOU LIKE MY BRIGHT BLUE BALLS!! (charges towards me)
Me: AW CRAP!!!
(boom)
Grunts are the lowest-ranked species of the Covenant hierarchy. They are bitter rivals with Jackals, who are also a smaller Covenant group with which they compete to prove themselves better and more skilled than the Grunts. The higher-ranking races of the Covenant often ignored this rivalry.
Well the whole rivalry started between only one grunt and one jackal:
(A grunt and a jackal are arguing over a VCR)
Grunt: It's my sex box!
Jackal: No it's MY sex box!
Grunt: It's my sex box! AND HER NAME IS SONY!!!
I suppose you'll learn more about Jackals in the next chapter
TUNE IN FOR OUR NEXT CHAPTER: JACKALS: WHY I DON'T DO DRUGS
[Edited on 12.28.2009 10:19 AM PST]