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Subject: [Funny Story] Why the Covenant Lost the War
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Hey! I'm Lord Mandalore and this is Why the Covenant Lost the War. For those of you who read the previous version by Grunt Killa44, that one was a copy that he stole from me, and I highly suspect he is now trying to publish cheap copies of it in the People's Republic of China, but that's not important.
I will post the story up here, the original can be found at: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3852359/1/Why_the_Covenant_Lost_t he_War
That one has all the pretty formatting and what not, but I shall post it here as well and update it when I create a new chapter. Also be aware that I am a HUGE noob at this website, so don't expect fancy chapter links. Comments are welcome!

[Edited on 12.06.2009 5:04 PM PST]

  • 12.05.2009 5:00 PM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Thank you Mandalore! Perhaps the fraud thread will locked and Gruntkilla banned know.

  • 12.05.2009 5:06 PM PDT
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  • Exalted Legendary Member

Some can come away from reading "War and Peace" thinking it a simple adventure story, while others can read the ingredients on a gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe.

This is epic beyond comparison.

  • 12.05.2009 5:14 PM PDT
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  • Exalted Heroic Member

▀▄Halo2, Halo3, Forge, Slayer, Snipers, BR's...▄▀
▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀SAS Halo3▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄▀▄

Nice to see the original writer posting, I absolutely love it.

[Edited on 12.06.2009 2:03 AM PST]

  • 12.06.2009 2:02 AM PDT
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Glad to have you Mandalore!

  • 12.06.2009 8:27 AM PDT

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

Ah, I'm so sorry you had to come here in the way you did - but all's well that ends well.

  • 12.06.2009 9:05 AM PDT
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  • Exalted Legendary Member

Some can come away from reading "War and Peace" thinking it a simple adventure story, while others can read the ingredients on a gum wrapper and unlock the secrets of the universe.

Mandalor is my new best friend.

  • 12.06.2009 9:45 AM PDT
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You call for help, and no ones there.

You cry in pain and no one cares

You stand alone in this nightmare

first three chapters were funny reads. i'm starting to like fanfiction :D

[Edited on 12.06.2009 10:42 AM PST]

  • 12.06.2009 10:42 AM PDT
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Thank you! For some reason these things fail to post for me, anyone else can feel free to do it for me! I believe it is a formatting issue...

  • 12.06.2009 5:01 PM PDT

"Find The Bomb?!
Find The Bomb?!
I'm Looking For The Flag!
What The Heck Is Assualt!?"

Where was I when all the drama happened?

  • 12.06.2009 5:06 PM PDT
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I don't know, it all went down about three days ago. Over now though.

  • 12.06.2009 5:22 PM PDT

Groups -MP | The TD
Files and Work - H3
______________________________
Posted by: Hayabusawarrior
Stop trollin mi forums

______________________________
My new GT is: Con38Dom ... yeah. >.>

HAHAHAHA! Great job, man! 5* xD

  • 12.06.2009 6:02 PM PDT

There once was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died.

The end.

SCFH

Nice to see the real genious behind the story! And there i was begging him for more. No wonder he wrote them so quickly! Great job on the story!!!

  • 12.07.2009 2:35 PM PDT

Posted by: Dropship dude
No, acnboy. Spartain Ken 15 is a lesser being. Much like the bacteria that lives in your shi­t.
Posted by: mike120593
My shi­t bacteria takes offense to that comparison.

Don't make me lel. You won't like me when I lel.

I can't believe he did this. Great to have you on B.net, even though the circumstances were terrible.

  • 12.08.2009 9:36 PM PDT

Hey. Pull my dongle.


Cmon, just one time, you big baby!

This story scares me, yet it also makes me laugh so hard I -blam!- my pants.

  • 12.10.2009 4:52 PM PDT
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Posted by: LordMandalore
Thank you! For some reason these things fail to post for me, anyone else can feel free to do it for me! I believe it is a formatting issue...


You have to remove all of the "extended text characters". also the formatting has to be redone. These forums use bbcode.

Glad that the real author is getting credit for his work.

  • 12.10.2009 5:36 PM PDT
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While I am still epic failing at posting it up here, I have good news! I will be posting a NEW Chapter around January 1st or second. Hopefully I'll be able to post one directly up here as well.
All I will reveal for now is that Chuck Norris takes a stroll into High Charity...

  • 12.28.2009 9:32 AM PDT

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

Posted by: LordMandalore
While I am still epic failing at posting it up here, I have good news! I will be posting a NEW Chapter around January 1st or second. Hopefully I'll be able to post one directly up here as well.
All I will reveal for now is that Chuck Norris takes a stroll into High Charity...


This can only herald the end of time itself...

  • 12.28.2009 9:35 AM PDT
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Pretty much, but with more explosions and randomness.

  • 12.28.2009 9:40 AM PDT
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Ah, it appears I have got it working. I shall begin posting these chapters up here. Seven a day for the next few days =P

Finally, my own reasons of why the Covenant lost to the humans.

PROBLEM ONE: GRUNTS
What kind of advanced alien species makes its main force small midgets that have a helium addiction? In the Covenant language, their name really means "One who is tea bagged when standing in line" but your Halo booklet won't tell you that. Oh no, they call them "Cannon Fodder". Obviously, they're not that smart either. Grunts really can't seem to understand basic problem solving techniques, like those people on airplanes that will try to place an oversized item (suitcase, bag, tractor, etc.) into an overhead storage bin. Grunts will try to overstuff containers, such as attempting to hide a Banshee inside of a wallet. A relatively smart gerbil could easily see that this would not fit into the wallet.

Compare a human soldier telling his commander where food is:

Marine: Sir, there is a stash of MRE packets at LEV-902B

Compared to a grunt

Grunt: When hungry, eat jackal!

Let's go over some more scenarios:

(A marine has a plasma grenade thrown on him)
Marine: AHHH DIE SCUM!!!!
(He jumps towards the nearest covenant formation and explodes)
Now the sad efforts of a grunt:
Grunt: WAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!
(He jumps onto a brute's leg and begins to hump it)
(The Brute yells, and bashes him over the head with a gravity hammer several times before the grunt explodes)

Then there's the planning:

Marine: Sir, I have our supplies.
Tough but Caring Officer: Atta boy Skippy!

Compared to...

Elite: You foolish teabag monkey! How could you possibly replace our entire supply of plasma grenades with Twix bars?!??!!?
Grunt: I WAS UNDER PRESSURE! The demon was looking at me funny
Elite: THAT WAS A TREE! Besides, why did you replace the Sanghelli jetpacks with human canned beverages?!?
Grunt: Red Bull gives you wings!

To make things shorter, here's a list of foolish activities that happened to a Covenant base when a grunt was ordered to "Get a pistol."

Exploding Candy Canes

Pancake Mix in Plasma Rifle

Rabid Unicorn Attack

Loss of Troops by enraged Winnie the Pooh

Hijacking of Santa's sleigh

Assaulted by rabid Teletubbies

Pyro-Chewbacca

Wraiths destroyed by entire gang of "Fat Albert".

A Super-Monkey-Sumo-Diaper-Whipped Cream-Throwing-

Fergalicious-Ralph Nader

(Censored for your own good, trust me on this)

Bar fight between Elmo and Flavor Flav

This is only a small taste of grunt stupidity. Forerunners expected Halo to be activated by grunts. That's why it can be activated via the big red button. It's easy to see that Master Chief grew quite tired with the Covenant; after all they were constantly throwing soldiers that had the IQ of ketchup at him all day long. Chief had to find ways to entertain himself with these leprechauns from hell.

Chief: Sing it again
Grunt: (obviously terrified) I'm a little teapot short and stouthere is my handle. Here is my spout
(The grunt urinates directly of Chief's helmet)
(Master Chief responds by punching a chunk out of the middle of the grunt in a perfect circle)
Chief: NEXT!!!
(Another grunt walks up)
Grunt: Oompa, loompad-d-doopety doo.
Chief: I GROW WEARY OF THIS!!!!
(Master Chief roundhouse kicks its' head off)

Now for some official facts!

Grunts are 5 feet tall and are relatively weak compared to other Covenant species. Although they can easily walk upright on two legs, they are often seen using their arms as legs and moving in a quadrupedal fashion. While carrying armaments, they are forced to walk upright so that they may support their weapons with their hands, but while trying to flee, or while patrolling without a weapon drawn, they use their oversized arms as forelegs to add speed or stability to their gait.

Oversized arms? That just doesn't make sense to give them weapons at all! Besides the extreme tendency they have to flee or throw grenades at allies, I', not sure I've seen a grunt running on all fours.

A Suicide Grunt, also known as a "Kamikaze Grunt", is like a "berserk" mode for the Unggoy in Halo 3. Occasionally, an Unggoy will hold two Plasma Grenades in each hand while screaming in rage and charge towards enemy forces. This is usually triggered by their leader being killed (usually in a brutal way such as sticking him with a grenade).

Gotta love the suicide grunts

Me: This is easy! These midgets drop like flies!
Grunt: (primes two grenades) I HOPE YOU LIKE MY BRIGHT BLUE BALLS!! (charges towards me)
Me: AW CRAP!!!
(boom)

Grunts are the lowest-ranked species of the Covenant hierarchy. They are bitter rivals with Jackals, who are also a smaller Covenant group with which they compete to prove themselves better and more skilled than the Grunts. The higher-ranking races of the Covenant often ignored this rivalry.

Well the whole rivalry started between only one grunt and one jackal:

(A grunt and a jackal are arguing over a VCR)
Grunt: It's my sex box!
Jackal: No it's MY sex box!
Grunt: It's my sex box! AND HER NAME IS SONY!!!
I suppose you'll learn more about Jackals in the next chapter

TUNE IN FOR OUR NEXT CHAPTER: JACKALS: WHY I DON'T DO DRUGS


[Edited on 12.28.2009 10:19 AM PST]

  • 12.28.2009 10:17 AM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Posted by: LordMandalore
Ah, it appears I have got it working. I shall begin posting these chapters up here. Seven a day for the next few days =P

SEVEN A DAY?!? Rly?

[Edited on 12.28.2009 12:02 PM PST]

  • 12.28.2009 12:02 PM PDT

Posted by: ajw34307
Posted by: LordMandalore
While I am still epic failing at posting it up here, I have good news! I will be posting a NEW Chapter around January 1st or second. Hopefully I'll be able to post one directly up here as well.
All I will reveal for now is that Chuck Norris takes a stroll into High Charity...


This can only herald the end of time itself...


Someone thinks themselves Lord President of the Time Lords...

  • 12.28.2009 12:39 PM PDT

DIUTYAUSDPOI

340083 Coagulated Derelict

"Zombies.Gentlemen at times like these our capacity to retaliate must be and has to be massive,to deter all forms of aggression."-JFK

I read this before.

Fine job mandalore!

EDIT:Hey that rhymes!

[Edited on 12.28.2009 1:05 PM PST]

  • 12.28.2009 1:04 PM PDT

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

Posted by: Wolverfrog
Posted by: ajw34307
Posted by: LordMandalore
While I am still epic failing at posting it up here, I have good news! I will be posting a NEW Chapter around January 1st or second. Hopefully I'll be able to post one directly up here as well.
All I will reveal for now is that Chuck Norris takes a stroll into High Charity...


This can only herald the end of time itself...


Someone thinks themselves Lord President of the Time Lords...


Silence! I'm obviously Timmothy Dalton, did you not know?

  • 12.28.2009 3:41 PM PDT
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Posted by: ajw34307
Posted by: Wolverfrog
Posted by: ajw34307
Posted by: LordMandalore
While I am still epic failing at posting it up here, I have good news! I will be posting a NEW Chapter around January 1st or second. Hopefully I'll be able to post one directly up here as well.
All I will reveal for now is that Chuck Norris takes a stroll into High Charity...


This can only herald the end of time itself...


Someone thinks themselves Lord President of the Time Lords...


Silence! I'm obviously Timmothy Dalton, did you not know?

What you didn't count on, Mr. Skinner, was Sergeant Nicholas Angel!

  • 12.28.2009 10:09 PM PDT

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