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In the year of our rock-creator 2080, the incident was unfortunately and irrevocably started when a NASA probe accidentally kidnapped a freakish family of leprosy-ridden grunts who were happily fine were they were, hadn't they thought the probe was full of Coca Cola and Rick Astley CDs. The aliens weren't completely innocent, as they were there to scout out the worlds in the system. The aliens are brought back to Earth against their will only to escape from NASA and end up hiding out in the desert of southern California. The youngest alien, a freakish grease-creature with enormous, watery fisheyes, jumps onto the van of a family en route to (shockingly) Los Angeles and is whisked away into the suburban life of Billy, the angelic loser kid. Also on board the love van are his annoying teenage brother and his ditzy, rodent-like mom. The family arrives back at home and Billy is immediately alerted (via his supersensitive loser-powers) to the presence of the alien weirdo. He finds out its' sickeningly saccharine name is "Pogo". He also decides to keep it as his personal work slave because even at 10 years old he has the common sense to know that he is a disgusting freak and that no one will ever want to be his friend, ever. And thus begins the journey of friendship and self-discovery that Billy the lonely douche kid begins with a disgusting sack of alien garbage at his side.
Of course, the only people who can see it are himself and his crimp-haired girlie-friend who lives across the street and somehow doesn't care that all of the other kids are going to laugh at her and call her degrading names like "Pancho" and "Steve" because she talks to the depressing weird kid. On one occasion the kid and his friend are playing in the backyard when Billy suddenly loses control of his -blam!- little bike. The next two minutes are spent with her screaming shrilly over and over again, "BIIIIILLLY!!! BILLLLLY!" as his bike rolls down a hill, across a field and OH MY GOD OFF OF A CLIFF INTO A RIVER 50 FEET BELOW! The retard plummets to his seeming doom, ricocheting off of the rock face and doubling in half as it hits the water. Meanwhile, as you may not already know, Billy's not so good at life, so he is in serious danger of drownifying as he demonstrates by flailing convincingly for several minutes before he gives up on life and sinks happily beneath the murk.
Luckily, Billy's creepfest alien friend is on hand to dive beneath the water and bring him to the surface, much to the surprise and dismay of the little girl who actually wanted him to die so that she wouldn't have to hang out with the weirdo retard any more. For some unknown reason, the boy immediately develops some affection for the little Covenant monstrosity and decides that the best thing to do would be to trap it. In order to bottle and sell its excrement, the boy sets up a foolproof system of Coca-Cola cans and straws all over the house that lead to his room and a very high powered vacuum cleaner. The pustulent alien-freak is MYSTERIOUSLY UNABLE TO RESIST THE CANS OF COKE (which is all he wanted to begin with) and is lured into the clever trap Billy has set for him. With the help of the annoying, frizz-haired neighbor girl, they suck up Pogo in the vacuum cleaner. Yes, they SUCK IT UP, AS THOUGH IT WERE COMPRISED OF PUTTY, INTO THE VACUUM. That's just how cartoon-like these grunts are. Suddenly, the vacuum begins to move by itself and in a vain attempt to stop it, the frizz-girl gets pulled along for the ride. It wheels her, screaming, through the house, The vacuum drags the girl down the hallway, up one of the walls, across the ceiling, and down the wall on the other side of the room. When it comes down from the ceiling, the girl's legs crumple sickeningly into a gut-wrenching puddle before it zooms across the floor and stops in the middle of the room. With the help of Billy the retards' annoying older brother, the kids change the vacuum setting from suck to blow (you see? it's all falling into place now) and the repulsive booger-alien spurts out. Of course, it's damaged and sick from its trip to Filthland, so they give it some Coke and it's magically, wonderfully, shockingly, and surprisingly all better. At this point the mother comes home and the alien exits by hiding in the toilet. The kids try to explain that there is a tiny, midget alien afoot that looks as though it was in a terrible industrial accident involving gasoline and Fritos. The mother, of course, doesn't believe a word of it, so they all go to sleep and dream about the time they were held hostage by fat men dressed as sausages and who sang about amphetamines and various rye breads.
In the morning, Billy wakes up to find that the living room of the house is magically, wonderfully, shockingly, and surprisingly littered with Coke cans and plasma grenades. He also notes that while they were sleeping, the freakish snot ball alien has cleaned and reorganized their house for them as a token of appreciation for sucking it up in the vacuum the night before. Also present, laid out on the table, are a couple pictures of Pee Wee Herman and a large print ad for Valvoline. The retard says with a cheesy grin, "he must want to go on a trip!" Yeah, he wants to go on a trip alright. I'll give him a trip. I'll put him inside of an oil drum, put the drum on a boat, sail the boat out in to the middle of the ocean, and then sink the boat with high-powered explosives. 10 years later I will raise the wreck of the boat, find the oil drum, and shoot it into the sun. Then I will blow up the sun. Problem solved. The mother and the brother come into the living room and are shocked at the sight of their house not looking like a filthy K-Mart discount bin. By the sheer power of logic, the boys are able to convince the mother that there is no way they could be responsible for the house being clean because they are both lazy louts, and besides one of them has no friends. She therefore decides that perhaps the writhing mucus-sack from outer space does in fact exist. So she goes jogging. The mother jogs down the road with Billy the socially-challenged lad skipping along at her side. Meanwhile, Pogo decides that it would be a really good idea to get into one of those "Powerwheel" contraptions. You know, those cars for kids that go a maximum speed of about 2 miles per hour and that come in exciting designs like "Barbie's Pre-Teen Pink Underage Sex-Car." So he jumps into one of those and thus begins the idiot grunt riding at what appears to be 30-odd miles per hour down a busy residential street. Suddenly, the neighborhood dogs take an interest in the blob from another world and begin to run after the little car. Oddly enough, they are unable to catch it even though they are running at top speed. All through the chase scene the dogs try to rip the grunts' head off with large pointy teeth, inspiring suicide and mass destruction. It ends when the alien rockets over some uneven ground and is catapulted into a tree. The dogs gather beneath him, barking and jumping up at the branches. The Apparently the grunts' skills, while perfectly capable of cleaning and rearranging an entire house, are not able to rescue him from the tree and hungry, stupid dogs.
Unfortunately, the alien survives its harrowing canine ordeal, and at this time it takes a coffee break to communicate with its stranded family in the desert. He does this by farting into a megaphone. Somehow they hear him from hundreds of miles away and answer back. The little space-turd is apparently homesick (literally) because the next day Billy the 'tard, and Frizzlefry find him sitting in a chair in the living room, mysteriously illin'. They offer him some water but he refuses it because there is no way he is about to ingest something that is not Coca-Cola brand cola. Billy and the girl have to go to a birthday party at the local McDonald's that day, and the girl's mother is waiting for them outside in the driveway. Billy is distraught because he doesn't want to leave his friend the walking -blam!- by itself as it is so obviously under the weather. He tells the girl to wait outside for him.
Moments later, Billy emerges from the house with what appears to be an enormous, pulsating pile of crap with arms and legs in his lap. As it turns out, in the 20 seconds between him sending out Frizz-Girl and coming out himself, he has found an enormous teddy bear from which he has removed the stuffing. He re-stuffs the bear's skin with his alien love-slave and they pile into the car together and head off to McDonald's. The kids and walking cat vomit enter the place and we immediately see that the restaurant is packed with kids, ballerinas, and homo-blam!- football players. I repeat: BALLERINAS. HOMO-blam!- FOOTBALL PLAYERS. The kid shuffles a chair on up to the table with his bear and Ronald McDonald appears from the putrid nether-regions of despair and terror to say, "Hey kid, nice bear," only to vanish in a haze of smoke and vaguely homoerotic balloon animals. At this point the bear-creature sees cups of none other than Coca-Cola brand cola on the table and suddenly its arm explodes out from the sleeve of the costume in a horrifying parody of a rubbery back-scratcher, extending itself four feet across the table to grab a soda. The kids at the table gasp and suddenly music plays over the McDonalds intercom. Imagine the worst song that the 80's ever produced. Now imagine that song being ground into a fine powder and that powder being added to some year-old dog crap and the feces being ground into a powder and added to the remnants of Richard Simmons bathwater. After sitting in the sun for approximately three weeks, stewing in its own juices, the sensation experienced when eating this ball of disease would come somewhere close to approximating the pain caused by the terrible music that plays next. The alien bear is placed on the countertop and the next 10 minutes are spent in psychedelic 80's hell.