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Subject: [Funny Story] Why the Covenant Lost the War
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PROBLEM SEVENTEEN: THE SPECTRE

Remember when you first saw a spectre in Halo 2? Neither do I.

The spectre, in my opinion, is probably the most useless vehicle ever put into production by the Covenant. It's literally just dead weight for the Covenant. Why? It's a CHEAP imitation of a Warthog, somewhat. At least the Warthog has speed; the spectre on the other hand goes about as fast as Rosie O'Donnell's digestive system after a Grand Slam at Denny's.

On top of that, the entire crew is HIGHLY exposed to enemy fire. I mean, at least the marines get a fricking windshield (and decent upholstery). Being exposed to enemy fire AND not being able to speed away caused quite a few issues for the elite crews

(Two Elites are in a spectre, being pursued by marines in wheelchairs. The driver is drunk)

Elite Passenger: Faster! The humans will catch us!

Elite Driver: I'm (hic) going as fast as I can.

(The spectre is slowly going along the path, the marines are catching up quickly)

Elite Passenger: Go faster!!

Elite Driver: Shut up you i-i-(hic)-imbicilly

Elite Passenger: It's pronounced imbecile!

Elite Driver: Don't (hic) correct my grammar butterscotch.

(One wheelchair is nearly touching the back of the spectre)

Crippled Marine: I'M GOING TO SHOVE MY NONFUNCTIONAL LEG SO FAR UP YOUR ALIEN RECTUM THAT THE SWEAT ON MY KNEE WILL QUENCH YOUR THIRST!!

Elite Passenger: Why the prophets can't you go faster?

Elite Driver: (hic) Shut UP!!!

(The driver raises his hand like he is about to backhand the passenger)

Elite Driver: Don't make me go Chris Brown on you (hic).

(The marine grabs a hold of the vehicle and crawls inside)

Crippled Marine: You're screwed now squid head!

Elite Passenger: GET BACK SCUM!!

(The marine ignites a fragmentation grenade in his hand)

Crippled Marine: Say hi to Satan for me!

Elite Driver: This (hic) looks like an emer-(hic)-gency. Call in the (hic) Power Rangers...

(Boom)

The Prophets then decided it was necessary to fix the problem of having the worst speed vehicle in galactic history. Sadly, they were so distracted by Wrath of the Lich King they decided to trick it out like they pimped out all their other rides. A boost system! Unfortunately, they only applied the boost to forward power. There was nearly no way to control the turning of it when boosted. This made the spectre incredibly dangerous for incompetent drivers, mainly brutes. That is why the prowler was built with all the anti-retard protection systems.

But hey, it's what the people want.

The boost functions eventually did more harm than good.

(A battle-hardened elite is driving a spectre down a wooded road, there is a grunt passenger beside him.)

Elite: Just where do you think we are?

Grunt: (shrugs) I don't know.

Elite: Where is the map?

(The Grunt burps)

Elite: Great...now we're lost.

(They both sit in silence for a while, then the grunt looks at the elite)

Grunt: Which way to the base TomTom?

Elite: What?

Grunt: Do we make a left TomTom?

Elite: By the prophets what is TomTom?!?

Grunt: Hurry TomTom!

Elite: SHUT UP!! Do something else besides annoy me.

(The grunt pulls out a large clunky cassette player)

Elite: What is that heresy?

Grunt: My ghettoPod!

(The grunt begins listening to a song and begins to wave his arms in the air and swing his hips)

Elite: WHAT THE JOURNEY ARE YOU DOING?!?

Grunt: Caramelldansen!!

(The Grunt's hip smacks into a control and the Spectre boosts towards a tree, and then impacts it)

Elite: Thank the prophets we survived...

(Roughly four trillion acorns fall onto the Elite)

Grunt: Caramelldansen! O-o-o-wa-wa

(The Elite's energy swords cuts through the acorns and he pulls himself out)

Elite: You will pay for this worm!

(Suddenly, thousands of squirrels storm out of the tree, grab the Elite, and pull him through a tiny knothole.)

Elite: SAVE ME YOU FOOOOOOOOooool.

(The Elite is silent)

Grunt: (shaking head) Sorry, I can't go near mysterious trees I've heard all the stories about Boo Radley.

As we can see, the boost functions have always seemed to do more harm than good. It just seems that no other race besides the Sanghelli can handle high speeds without becoming overexcited, high, or urinating on themselves. Eventually, it became apparent to some that the Prophets were actually world of Warcraft playing idiots and they needed to be ridden of. So they looked for something to blame, they tried out Anti-Semitism, only to realize the Covenant had no Jews. Yes, this stupid idea is reserved solely for humanity. In fact, speaking of religion, I think that may have cheated the Bible out of a plotline.

Noah: Got that right Mandalore. This Master Chief guy is stealing my bit. The flood is killing everyone and you need a giant Ark to save humanity? Seriously, total rip-off.

That's agreed. Though I suppose the only modern religious deity could be those EXTREME Obama fanatics.

Man: I was born blind.

Obama: (putting hands in air) CHANGE!!!

Man: I CAN SEE!!!

Of course, I suppose anyone can be worshipped in an over the top way. Though I'm not sure I buy into this 'Obama is the Anti-Christ' business. I'm not even a Democrat and I can see some intolerance there. Oh well.

Getting back on track, the Prophets did plan on making some designs to have mounted fuel rod guns on the back of the spectre. Not to mention a cloaking device and HD radio. This never occurred though, as they had to take an incredibly holy alternative path, which was mainly Regret acquiring an epic mount for his WoW character. One brave soul tried to point this out, but was immediately jettisoned for heresy.
The only real advantages in had were that it was quite stable, as it was so weighed down by all of that commodious passenger space. It could also turn in place, making it more like a mobile turret than a vehicle. It wasn't nearly as protected from flipping as the prowler, but it was good enough for the elites. Though there were those who tried

(Two Elites are speeding down the streets of New Mombasa)

Driver: Betcha I can flip this thing!

Passenger: DO IT!!

(The Spectre flies off of a ramp while the Dukes of Hazard theme plays)

Elites: YEEEEE HOOOO!!!!

(The Spectre hits the road and doesn't flip)

Driver: Awwwww...wort. It didn't flip.

(The Spectre suddenly hits a large object)

Driver: WHAT WAS THAT?

Passenger: (eyes wide with horror) You killed Charlie Chaplain!

I know...this didn't happen TOO much because most elites were very disciplined. It's a shame that they were never trusted designed their own vehicles instead of using one that was apparently designed by a creature two feet tall that got vertigo at over 10mph. Then again, it was also a dumb idea to assign a brute to give Britney Spears diet advice in 2004-2007. As for the shaving her head thing...well...some things will never be understood.

Now for some official facts!

The Spectre is a multi-troop, armored transport. It is a medium sized vehicle, but maintains the high maneuverability most Covenant vehicles are renowned for.

I suppose that can be agreed with, if you accept the standards of Covenant Maneuverability. Their "renowned" maneuverability can be compared to a blind, deaf, and obese elephant seal with Tourette's syndrome trying to pop lock through a steaming vat of hot vanilla pudding, all the while being pelted with rocks by fat German men dressed as sausages singing about various rye breads.

The Spectre's main weakness is that its occupants are quite exposed. The rear-mounted Plasma Cannon is very dangerous and can rapidly deplete an enemy's shield, and has a 360 degree firing arc. It has the capacity to hold two passengers besides a gunner and a driver.

Yes it can carry more people than the Warthog. Though they're so exposed they'd be lucky to make it to the fight in one piece, or at least with their frontal lobes intact. Then they'd also be exposed to deadly human weapons. Like napalm! Of course who could forget the ever popular Disney napalm sing-a-long.

(We love Napalm, sticks like glue! Burns the women and children too!)

That just shows the joy of Disney, that and we all know Mickey Mouse uses purity rings to control the minds of children. You should also note that the Mickey Mouse will return to Valhalla to sleep and feed.

The Spectre offers one defensive weapon, a rapid firing Plasma Cannon placed at the rear of the vehicle offering 360 degrees of fire. It should be noted that unlike most plasma cannons, the Spectres cannon's fire is much more linear and accurate. The weapon is devastatingly powerful and can cut through enemy infantry with ease. However, against vehicles it does not do so well. The rounds fired actually bounce off of Wraith and Scorpion Tank armor, doing minimal damage.

Of course! It was just too good to be true. A reliable, accurate fast-firing weapon mounted on a crappy vehicle. It's not like anyone would actually fire at a vehicle right? Wrong. To say "ricochet" would be the understatement of the decade.

Elite Driver: Aim well Unggoy

Gunner: I will not miss!

(The grunt fires a stream of bolts at a Scorpion tank, all the bolts bounce back and wipe out most of the Covenant infantry)

Driver: Fool!

Gunner: EEK! Human vehicle deflect lasers!

(The grunt jumps off the spectre and runs off screaming)

Gunner: Run! The human tank is a Jedi!!!!

And, the straight from the official source Multiplayer note on the Spectre.

It is generally unused in multiplayer. It is the only vehicle not to spawn by default in any multiplayer map.

That's probably the most honest fact I've gotten from them yet. Oh well, I can only be thankful that it didn't show up in Halo 3!

That's all for now!

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: SHADOWS: THE METRO OF THE COVENANT

  • 12.31.2009 10:28 AM PDT
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PROBLEM EIGHTEEN: SHADOWS

You know the regular buses we have here? The ones that are portrayed in movies as being really clean, happy places filled with productive suit wearing Caucasians? Though in reality the only guys wearing suits are mobsters and the Caucasians are street hobos? Well a Shadow is basically the same thing.
Filthy!

A Shadow is a disgusting, rusty, run down metro bus that the Covenant converted to transport troops in the war. Most Elites required a tetanus shot just to look at one and Master Chief refused to hijack them in Halo 2. Such a rustbucket was considered a dirty abomination, so who should operate it? The grunts! Though the contractors to make it were shady.

Regret: Are you sure they will work?

Mechanic: Don't worry ese! First I make it fly! Then- I make it glide.

The sociopathic and vertically challenge grunts would be PERFECT to operate the ghetto machine! Sadly, the term "bus" became very confusing to some of them.

Grunt Driver: Everyone in the back! Shut up!

Grunt Passenger: Me want McDonalds!

Other Passenger: Me need to make zeet-zeet!

Grunt Driver: Unggoy in back quiet now! Make zeet-zeet on jackal!

(The jackal hisses at the quivering grunt)

Other Passenger: Me no have to go anymore!

(The smell of the Grunt's zeet-zeet attracts several dog packs, who surround the Shadow and begin barking)

Grunt Driver: GO AWAY!!! NO LIKE DOGS!!

Small Puppy: (singing) There ain't no bugs on me! Yeah there may be bugs on some of you mugs, but there ain't no bugs on me!

(The Shadow runs over the puppy at 120mph)

All I can say is, thank god. That dog was annoying. Though I fear it may have caused minor damage to the Shadow. Though how could that be? What's a Shadow made of? I'll tell you!

20 % Covenant Metal
35 % Rust
17 % Spider Webs
12 % Old Ketchup and Fries molded to the seat
15 % Whale Bone
1 % Pure Friendship

How it holds itself together I have no idea...though I do know that the lifespan of a Shadow is roughly two weeks before a misfortune happens. Such as being destroyed by UNSC, Master Chief, an accident, or an exploding cup holder. They all mean the same to me! Of course, there have been several incidents on the Shadows

Covenant Radio Dispatcher: Shadow Number 379-12 what is your situation?

Panicked Grunt: There was a bear in the glove box!

(Roaring can be heard over the radio)

Panicked Grunt: Flipyap! Give him big hug! Just like Pooh creature!

(More roaring and a screaming grunt as well)

Panicked Grunt: Put honey on your face! Let him lick it off!

Dispatcher: Get out of there 379-12!

Panicked Grunt: He's cutting the brake lines!

Dispatcher: That's impossible...

Panicked Grunt: NO! Put the Fuel Rod Cannon down!

(More roaring and then an explosion)

Panicked Grunt: WAAAGGGHHH!!!

Yes, quite the fools indeed. Now as time is short for me at the moment I will skip to the official facts!

The Shadow is a dedicated troop transport vehicle, similar to an Armored Personnel Carrier. As such it is not an offensive vehicle. It is slow and cumbersome. Although, it possesses a powerful defensive plasma turret, however, but this is solely for defense. It is placed at it's top, the vehicle itself can be easily outmaneuvered by smaller vehicles such as the Warthog or Ghost. It's heavy armor is its best defense against attack and is the reason for its slow speed.

This "heavy armor" consists of cardboard and several dozen grunts packed inside for shock absorption power. It really sucks for them when the Brutes onboard have decided to make a pit stop at Taco Bell. The Chihuahua's revenge.

Shadows are the Covenant's main method of moving large numbers of troops around ground based battlefields. They have one driver, a gunner, and up to eight occupants, depending on the species of the passengers. One might compare it to a "Bus".

Exactly like a bus! Except our buses don't have large turrets mounted on the top. Except of course, in the Bronx. Or in Germany. That's because of German beer. A German beer container is so large it can be used a shelters for the homeless in other nations. Whereas, in America "having a beer" makes one feel a little mellow, in Germany it can leave you dancing naked on the roof of a moving bus. (This requires a permit, ask your travel agent)

The Shadow is a bulky, heavy armored vehicle and as such is able to take an immense amount of punishment before succumbing to damage. The Shadow may exhibit multiple internal explosions that rock its entire chassis or lift it from the floor by quite a distance whilst under intense fire. However, it will continue moving in spite of this.

Of course! That's tech straight from the streets right there! I mean, where else could do you see a partially flaming vehicle with no front tires driving along the road. Probably in somewhere I don't want to be. Oh well, what can you do?
I know this chapter is a bit short, but I am very limited on time! The moral of this is: If the Shadow be a rockin, don't come a knockin.

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT (and properly lengthened) CHAPTER: THE LOCUST

(Not the antagonists from Gears you twits)

  • 12.31.2009 10:30 AM PDT
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PROBLEM NINETEEN: THE LOCUST

What comes to your mind when you think of Locust? A bearded man raising his arms sending swarms of insects into Egyptwait no. An ex-convict ripping apart an alien with a chainsaw like...wait that's not it. Damn this Wikipedia article...oh. A large attack vehicle suited for destroying ground units like a mutant cross between a Banshee and a Scarab. Though much...much smaller.

Created by the same retard mining company that turned the Scarab into a weapon, they decided "What the hell, put a gun on the Locusts too." Though I think it a bit ironic the Prophets always whined about humanity being vermin when they have a vehicle called a "Locust". Though it was mistaken for a Scarab multiple times

Grunt: (running full speed) Papa smurf! Papa smurf! Papa smurf!

Elite: My name is Otwa, dumbass.

Grunt: The evil fairies came in the middle of the night and made Scarab tiny!

Elite: Impossible!

(The Elite looks where his Scarab once stood, instead a Locust sits)

Elite: What the hell is that?

Grunt Leader: Budget cuts sir! It's called a Locust. Apparently it has a very, very long range.

Elite: Well I suppose that's good

Grunt Leader: Though one round from a Scorpion will blow it to hell.

Elite: One round?!?

Grunt Leader: It's pretty slow too

Elite: Well I suppose they'd be effective in numbers.

Grunt Leader: That's the only one we have.

Elite: What happened to the other ones then?

(A large white rabbit has disassembled the other five Locusts to create a giant ball of junk)

Rabbit: Now to finally get some Trix cereal!

(The ball of metal crap rolls down a hill, and instead of distracting the kids, crushes and entire village. The rabbit finally gets his hands on a box of cereal)

Rabbit: Finally it's- (the box is yanked from his hand)

Child: Ha ha! Silly rabbit! Trix are for-

(The Rabbit shoves a Spartan Laser two inches from the child's face)

Rabbit: SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THE DAMN CEREAL!

Ha! What an adorable and quite possibly traumatic day that must've been, though even then the Locust were quite expensive at the beginning.

Elite Captain: Hmm...this looks promising.

Mechanic: Yes sir!

Elite Captain: How many resources does it cost?

(Yellow hair shoots out of the mechanic's head)

Mechanic: OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND!

Ok, more like three-hundred. Though, on an off note, while I am writing this the Dragonball Z movie is out. I watched one episode in elementary school and it involved three punches while they spent of the rest of the show floating in mid-air talking. The other one I watched involved some guy charging up an attack for the entire episode, creating a ball of energy roughly the size of Jupiter, or Rosie O'Donnell's elbow cleavage. It doesn't matter. Either way the "Goku" in the movie is about twice as white as me. He should be named Steven or Chad. Like hell his name is Goku...

Back to the Locust though! While effective in numbers, they could easily be destroyed by a marine rocket launcher, or a scorpion, or a cockroach the size of Rush Limbaugh. Therefore the Locusts needed to be protected wherever they went to prevent these nasty misfortunes from occurring. That and the targeting system was awful, not even the Covenant could comprehend it. When it was captured by the UNSC, the leading engineer tried to discover its workings but couldn't figure out how, therefore he turned to someone who easily knew much more about computer systems that any UNSC scientist, a six year old child. Here is a recording of the disassembling procedure:

Engineer: What is this Bio cache formatting error? I need this to work! I'll call technical support for this thing"

(After being on hold for 179 minutes listen to Tom Jones sign "What's New -blam!-cat?")

Engineer: I've got a better idea Timmy! Daddy needs help with...yes Timmy, Daddy knows you're watching Power Rangers right now, but this is important...Timmy. Timmy! DAMMIT TIMMY IF YOU DON'T HELP DADDY GET THIS THING WORKING DADDY WILL SPEND THE REST OF HIS CORPORATE LIFE CLEANING URINALS!

(After pause)

Engineer: No Timmy! Don't cry! Daddy's sorry.If you help I'll buy you a motorcycle. Yes, a real one! Ha! Daddy is a big doodyhead for making that mistakeTimmy what are you- Hey it works! Great job!

(Hushed talking)

Engineer: Fine a red motorcycle, just don't tell mommy.

It was good this Engineer was able to solve these difficulties; most others never seemed to have a good time working on the Locust.

Director: Dammit, the get thing working!

Engineer: No way! I went inside the locust for seven seconds and it was awful! It smelled like a dead animal in there and not to mention there's still a grunt in there!

Director: He can't do any damage.

Engineer: The grunt thinks he's the Phantom of the Opera

Director: That's highly unlikely.

(The Director pauses when "Music of the Night" is coming from the Locust)

Director: Just get your standard issue company flamethrower!

Engineer: I can't! Jenkins used it to get rid of the two month old Chinese food he kept in the fridge. There were bacteria the size of Dobermans in there!

Director: Obey my orders Isaac!

Engineer: Screw you! I'm transferring right now! I'm going to work aboard the USG Ishimura! That'll show you!

Oh yes, he did show the Director. Even though the grunt was eventually lured out using a combination peanut butter crackers and flash bang grenades. Don't ask.
Now for the official facts!

The Locust is a smaller version of the Scarab walker, with only one rotating turret which hosts single large cannon. It does not however share the Scarabs spiked "feet", its four legs may allow it to kneel down or climb over obstacles, like its larger cousin. It fires a straight purple-pink beam, useful against ground and air targets.

A shame it only has one turret, that's just a big flashing sign for any Spartan to run over and hijack the thing. That or an obese World of Warcraft player in possession of a universal remote control with nothing to do, and of COURSE he has nothing to do. For the WoW players reading this, I'll give you a hot tip I witnessed at my school one unfortunate morning. The girls don't think it's "1337" that you're level 80, in fact, it'd be best not to mention you play it at all. Though the UNSC marines who take these things down with rocket launchers apparently have some kind of lives. A hot tip for the UNSC command squad: In response to recent rumors, kittens, in fact, do NOT make good MAC gun ammunition.

The Locust is, like the Scarab, another mining unit refitted for combat, probably the top-long-range Covenant ground unit, and, for this reason, a quite slow one. The Locust is known to open fire only when stationary. The Locust is also extremely vulnerable to anti-vehicle fire, such as from Scorpions or Marine Rocket Launchers, once its shields are down, and can sometimes be taken down with as little as one round from a Scorpion's cannon.

The ability to only fire when stationary? That just spells death on the battlefield. Especially when you're on Live playing against the weird kid who takes the game way too seriously...

Me: What's up?

Child: I AM A NINJA!

Me:Ok?

Child: I CAN STEAL YOUR SOCKS WITHOUT TAKING OFF YOUR SHOES!

Me: Alright then, let's see how you do

(After around five minutes)

Child: FACE MY ATTACK!

(A banshee flies by my base, and shoots a building twice before flying away)

Me:...

Child: HAHA! BANSHEE JUTSU!

(A Locust prowls into the field, and one of my Spartans hijacks it easily)

Child: OMG! Is that Master Chief? How'd you build him?!? I only play as Covenant you can't have Master Chief!

(The hijacked Locust begins wasting away his many grunt squads. Of course he had lots of grunt squads)

Child: STOP KILLING ME!!! MOM HE WON'T STOP KILLING ME!

After this unfortunately true episode, I fully understand now why animals eat their young.

Due to the nature of their long range weapon, large groups of locusts can combine their firepower with extreme efficiency and effectiveness. For this reason, forces entirely composed of Locusts have proven to be vastly superior to forces entirely composed of land vehicles though UNSC Cobras are extremely effective against Locusts and can match or exceed their range when deployed.

That's simple enough, you can't get close to them, except if you bring the MAC gun down upon them, which seems to not really fire like a MAC gun. I've seen the pointless forum debates where insecure people cry about it for days, if not weeks at a time.

Poster #1: OMG! It's not a MAC gun! The plasma condensed super charged spermatozoa expelliamurus reactor could easily obliterate the planet! How do I fix this problem with Bungie!

Poster #2: I went through the same thing! Simply Log on the Xbox Live. Go to the secure data core, open the file that says "Do Not Open Ever". Go to Halo Wars, open the cache Data Rom 674, and change the input to 3872. This will result in the exact same problem you started with! That's why I started using heroin.

Sad little people...well that's the end of our chapter for now, but the next one will be different, because now, I am sadly counting on YOU! I'm taking a break from the vehicles for the next two chapters. Instead, two question and answer chapters for the General Difficulties of the Covenant.
How to ask a question you ask? How do you come before the Covenant Information Messiah to be enlightened? Simple! Leave your question in a review, e-mail, private message, anthrax filled package, or messenger pigeon to my inbox, address, or underground laboratory! You will be cited for your question! You can ask ANYTHING, and I truly mean it. You have two weeks to submit the first sets of questions! Enjoy!

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: GENERAL COVENANT DIFFICULTIES ONE: GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH

  • 12.31.2009 10:37 AM PDT
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PROBLEM TWENTY: GENERAL STUPIDITY

Now, I present you a whole new breed of chapter. Some of you may think it a stupid breed, like a cross between a Great Dane and a Chihuahua. First off, I will answer these not-really-questions but suggestion thingies:

First: Yes, I have chapters planned (and some written) for the weapons.

Second: Yes, I have chapters planned for Covenant Heroes and Leaders.

Now that that's out of the way, I will go to the first questions from Heather.

Q: Why are grunts so short?

A: Well, the Grunts come from a very cold planet. Which is basically a giant tundra (Tundra being the Eskimo word for 'Nothing'). This caused some Grunts, of course, to be effected by year-long Christmas magic turning them into tiny little modern-day grunts. The Grunts who did not believe in Christmas, were ultimately pushed off ravines or banished into deserts (Desert being the Native American word for 'Tundra').

Q: Why do you dislike World of Warcraft players so much?

A: That's because the ones I've seen are INCREDIBLY addicted. I can remember when many years back in middle school when at lunch; conversations like these ran rampant in the 'weird kid' table behind me.

WOW Player: Dude! I spent three hours trying to get an Epic mount last night!

WOW Player 2: So? I was up until three AM on a raid, and then my Mom ran out of Hot Pockets so I didn't feel like playing anymore.

WOW Player: (Takes chug from Mountain Dew)That's so Leet dude!

WOW Player 2: Hey, I'll give you two gold for your muffin!

The sad part is, this is an actual conversation I remember. If you trade things in a video game, NON-EXISTENT THINGS, for food. You are retarded. I meanat least the Yu-Gi-Oh kids actually traded things you could hold. I dislike a majority of them because they get waaaaay to wrapped up in it. A kid in my 3rd period bragged for roughly two weeks about 'Being the first level 80 on his realm' I'm not sure what that means, but I do know it means he will be denied a relationship with a real girl for several years. (Sorry WoW players, most of the 'girls' on that game are most likely forty year old men, deal with it)

Now some questions from Aces of Aces 2.0.

Q: What side are the Hunters on?!?!? I've seen them on both the Loyalist side AND the Separatist side and I get so confused...

A: Well, that is a thought provoking question indeed. It kind of works in a way like the American government's absolutely stupid idea to give bailout money to GM. Though for Hunters, it was different. Toyota couldn't decided who they should keep manufacturing Hunter eels for, the Covenant, or the Separatists. Most of the men in the company thought they should keep selling them to the Covenant, mainly because they wanted to see Master Chief beat the hell out of them. Most of the women on the other hand, wanted to sell them to the Separatists as, and I quote: "The Arbiter needs protection, he's sexy!"
Although I personally fail to see what's so damn attractive about a giant split jaw, it seems a deal was struck. Most of the Hunters were sent to fight for the Covenant, while a precious few could fight for the Separatists. Well done Toyota, that's why I have a Lexus.

Q: Why do the Prophets ALWAYS argue? In every scene with them, it's either Regret arguing with Truth, Regret arguing with Mercy, or Truth arguing with Mercy. I mean, they're supposed to be fighting for the same cause, here, can they not make up their mind??

A: Once again, this is a trait of the mindless WoW players. A majority of them do not feed of food, as most normal humans do. They feed off two other things called "XP and Caffeine".
XP is a form of energy working on complex physics normal people will never understand. The players continue playing World of Warcraft to appease the Dark God C'thulu, and when they kill in C'thulu's name, he is pleased. He rewards his dark apostles with 'XP' though most players will completely forget receiving any after about three seconds, forcing them to look for more. When they finally reach the final level, C'thulu commands his love slaves in Blizzard to make another expansion pack. All the while, he receives the monthly fee to play. This cycle goes on until the end of time, until the players die of morbid obesity and C'thulu owns approximately 3,459 private jets.
Caffeine is the problem source here. It forces WoW players to keep ingesting it to stay awake, and keep muscles active so the fat doesn't collapse on itself. The Caffeine forces them to be irritable and hateful of normal humans, like being perfectly fine talking in the game. The Prophets are an excellent example.

Mercy: What should we do about the Arbiter?

Truth: I don't know! Gods...(tapping on keyboard)

Mercy: The invasion's tomorrow Truth.

Truth: I DON'T CARE!

Mercy: Maybe you should go to bed Truth.

Truth: I don't want to go to bed! I'm on a quest!

Mercy: Now, Truth.

Truth: Come on Mercy! Just five more minutes! Puh-lease Mercy!

Mercy: You've been on that for hours.

Truth: I HATE YOU! YOU'RE NOT MERCY!YOU'RE A DICK!

(Truth sends throne upstairs while sobbing)

Regret: (Unbuckling belt while chair hovers upstairs) I'll take care of this.

Now I hope that clears some confusion up. Both explaining why Prophets argue and WoW players will always be single.

(Actually, I'm single at the moment. But give me a month and we'll see)

Now a question from Inazuma Kanji.

Q: Is it just me or has neither side used nuclear weapons!? Seriously, total annihilation if you drop enough of them so why didn't they do this?

A: Well that's simple. The Covenant got their hands on Fallout 3. When the Prophets played it for only a few minutes, they wet their pants and soiled their thrones. It was determined that the threat of giant fire breathing ants and Mirelurk crabs were considered much too dangerous. The absolute greatest threat was that of the Great Unclean One named Sticky. Sticky was a party hat wearing weirdo who would spend his time telling unintelligible stories about dogs, aliens, and robots named "Holy Toledo and Jokey Joe". The Prophets, after meeting Sticky, instantly doubled the force of the army and banned any form of radiation bombs.
Humanity on the other hand, was making planet killing NOVA bombs. They didn't want the Covenant to know they had any form of nuclear weapons. They were also pretty creeped out by Betty.
Some questions from the Anonymous Reader.

Q: Why didn't the Brutes have their armor in Halo 2? Personally, I thought that the Brutes were stronger without the armor, excluding the Chieftains.

A: You guessed correctly, they WERE stronger without their armor. Sadly, they were influenced too much by music and television and decided to try out the Subway diet, thus making their natural fat defense system weak. They made up for it using an armor composed of cardboard, Polar Bear oil, and children's tears.

Q: With the stealth Elites, they carried Energy Swords a lot but why? You're invisible and have a large glowing sword in your hand so it kinda defeats the purpose.

A: That, is probably one of the best questions I've had so far. Congratulations you have officially brought up the first question that ultimately stumps me. I do not have proof, I have a theory. The theory is that Elite are similar to Ostriches, in the way of 'I can't see anything so you can't see me' idiocy. I think they were so propagandized by the Prophets, that not only did they believe the Energy swords were invisible to humans, but that the Elites could also use the Force. It sounds crazy but hey, -blam!-s got their people to believe in Odin and Thor.

Some questions from Ten ways to spoil dinner.

Q: Why is it hunters seem so aggressive in battle... yet love poetry, and meditate. It just seems odd. Maybe having so many eels in one armor does that to people...

A: Well, if I'm not sure they love poetry and meditating. It says they do it, perhaps by force. Like the sentence "Children practice time in school". Do kids like school? Hell no. I mean, if I was forced to read poems and meditate all day, I'd be pretty pissed off too.



  • 12.31.2009 10:42 AM PDT
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Q: What was the point of being able to go invisible if they could actually be seen? I mean, come on, how did the other guys miss them? I could spot an invisible elite a mile away without a sniper scope.

A: I think that question was answered two paragraphs ago, but the cloaking systems itself was a shoddy copy taken from a street peddler who claimed to be a Predator.

Q: Also, how could the Covenant win all of those space battles? Considering their incompetence, you would expect them to crash land onto another planet, and get killed by wildlife (Likely a small cat, or lemur. Maybe a turtle).

A: Well, though small cats, lemurs, and turtles are the natural predators of Brutes, we must take into consideration they did base their technology off a much greater race. Even so, they did crash land onto multiple planets that just weren't shown in any of the Halo franchise. The canon says there are billions of them, and you only encounter a couple thousand maybe. Why? They're on other planets, being eaten by lemurs.

A question from Demonfangs.
Q: I've played through the Halo games a few times, and I've started to notice a pattern that mainly involves the Covenant members falling off cliffs.
Scenario #1- Grunt uses boost on ghost and flies over the edge
Scenario #2- I shoot toward a Brute, it moves to avoid it and falls of the cliff
Scenario #3- Hunter spots me and charges toward me, I take avoid his clumsy attack and it trips over the edge
Is this some sort of genetic flaw in the Covenant gene pool or are they to blind to see a huge ravine sixteen feet in front of them?

A: No, they're very aware of the ravine. Except for Brutes, which aren't even entirely self-aware. Most of the non-Brute Covenant believe the god of cliffs, Willy Wonka, is waiting at the bottom for them with candy and blenders.

Now the two final questions that were e-mailed to me by Twilight Commando.
Q: Why is it that when I'm running to cover and my shields are down and I'm being hit, I don't die until I get to cover?

A: That would be Microsoft's secret little game they play with us called, 'Let's make them think they're okay and then make everything hell', which is actually quite similar to life XD

Q: And why is it that I can empty my rifle into people at point blank with their shields down but nothing happens, only to have them shoot me with the exact same weapon and kill me instantly?

A: It could be a head shot; at least that's what the fools at Bungie will tell you. It is actually the tampered bullets of 'the other -blam!-'. The other -blam!- is the person you are fighting. He always cheats with his weapon. How? He has sprinkle tiny, nuclear powered leprechauns onto his bullets. When these leprechaun infested bullets hit you, they crawl inside your armor, lay their ages, preheat the oven to 375 degrees on convection, and then swarm around the queen thus deactivating the shields. Thus, screwing you over.
Well, that's all I have for now. You have an additional two weeks to submit any other questions. Send wisely! This will be the last Question and Answer segment for at least twenty more chapters.

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: MORE GENERAL STUPIDITY! THEY DON'T GET ANY SMARTER!

  • 12.31.2009 10:43 AM PDT
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PROBLEM TWENTY-ONE: GENERAL STUPIDITY

Yes, all the craziness now continues. Once again the questions were asked, and now they shall be answered. I had quite a bit more feedback for this session than the last, so I'll try my best to be spontaneous! The first question is from Ranger24:

Q: How many anime shows do the grunts actually watch seeing as how Yapyap's a Narutard?

A: Ah...you've read the Adventures of Uncle Ted. Well, that question is quite simple. Grunts watch nearly all of the generic animes. By that I mean they must involve either creatures that battle for a trainer, ninjas, or children that shoot lasers from their hands. One famous example is of a grunt name Yipnap attempting to go 'Super Sayen 100' and ended up crapping out a liver instead. Also, if you really think about it, a lot of those hairstyles in real life would look insanely retarded.

A question from BETAZ:

Q: Why did Needlers become worse and worse over the war?

A: I noticed this too. The good old days of the first Halo, where needlers fired a swarm of needles that exploded on impact. The ones after that fired with only a little pop at the end, and they eventually became pretty much useless. Why did the weapons become worse and worse? I'll tell you. The threat of Manbearpig.
Half man, half bear, half pig. The Covenant intercepted transmissions from the great Defender of Humanity, Al Gore, who declared that Manbearpig had to be stopped.
He was super serial.
The Covenant, acting on instructions from Gore, took all of the explosive crystals out of the needlers for a secret military project. The project was to create a giant death ray that could absolutely vaporize any planet at will, called the Death Star. Al Gore reiterated the fact that it was the ONLY way to kill Manbearpig. Sadly, the device did not fire a laser, but exploded with such force that what was believed to be a brute's gallbladder was discovered five star systems away. Al Gore on the other hand, put on a cape and mysteriously disappeared for another five hundred years. Therefore, all the needler's explosive properties were destroyed, weakening the weapons.

Some more questions from Aces of Aces 2.0:

Q: Why is it called NEW Mombasa? What happened to the old one?

A: It was completely destroyed in the filming of The Lion King 6: The Hyenas Discover Thermonuclear Power.

Q: Why would Truth have BRUTES as an honor guard? They'd see Chucky Cheese and run off, leaving him defenseless...

A: Well they ARE pretty stupid, but let's look at the other possibilities besides the obvious choice of Elites.
Grunts- Probably could not reach anything on a shelf, much less hold the large honor guard halberd.

Jackals- Would simply gnaw on the uniform; possibly urinate on the floor of High Charity.

Drones- Golden uniformed insects, about three hundred buzzing around a room at once. That's just asking for a migraine.

Other Prophets- Too preoccupied trying to kill boars on WoW.

Hunters- Probably a better choice than a Brute, except they have cannons for arms. No chance of holding the Honor Guard staff, though decorated fuel rod cannons would make an excellent substitute.

Yes, the brutes made terrible guards. Especially since the suits didn't fit them very well, and the fact that a mouse could easily make them flee into a safer area. Such as a broken airlock.

A question from the grunt lord:
Q: Why did Bungie create less armor for Elites in Halo 3? And why do they not have their own kind of "VIP ONLY" Armor, like the Recon?

A: Well, now that the Elites help the humans, it is necessary for them to be under armed and not up to standards like the marines. There's no VIP armor because, the majority of players who play as Elites are noobs. Not all! But a lot of them. I can remember playing on Live shortly after Halo 2's release, and hearing people complain about the Elites not being able to cloak. The poor foolsAs you can clearly see, the CREATORS of the Halo franchise don't have the highest faith in the Covenant.

Now a question from Lulu-kun:
Q: The Covenant ships have these uber plasma lasers on the bottom, right? Well, instead of spamming stupid teabag monkeys, Chucky Cheese spawn, and unintelligible skull-gnawing birds, why didn't they just fire their lasers (pun intended) at the planet until it was molten glass?

A: Yes that would've been very easy indeed.
Brute Commander: What do we do with Earth, Excellency?

Truth: Fire the laser!

(A giant black face appears on the front of a Covenant ship and a laser fires from the mouth)

Ship: BWAAAAHHHHH!!!

Yes, it would be much more simple to Shoop the Whoop out of humanity. But the Covenant believed that there were all sorts of Forerunner artifacts, buildings, and Hasbro toys on human worlds and it was decided not to glass some planets.

Now for an interesting Flood question from the good dr:
Q: Hey on Halo 3, how come Grunts and Jackals can't be infected by the flood, even though the game states they can?

A: Because there were better corpses around. I mean, if an infector takes over the body of the host, would you really want to be a grunt? You'd end up becoming a carrier and the best thing that could happen to you is exploding. As for a jackal, they're just ugly enough anyways. A Flood jackal is roughly ten trillions times worse. It would be like looking at the spawn child of Richard Simmons, Michael Jackson, and a mountain yeti. I can't even think about it

Now some questions from Assault Godzilla:
Q: Why is it that Needlers became dual wieldable in Halo 2 but you couldn't in Halo 3?

A: Well the needler thing was due to the crystal shortages due to the Pigmanbearor is it a BearmanpigI forget.

Q: And is there a reason the energy sword is a rip-off of the lightsaber. Maybe it's to show superiority. Or no creativity whatsoever. And why hasn't it been dual wieldable? Maybe you'd go Rambo a little too often.

A: Well, they have sword duel wielding Elites in Halo Wars, but that was before they realized it would be better to have a grenade hand. This was realized when elites would heroically charge forward only to be stuck by a plasma grenade. It's the ultimate mood killer really, interrupting a heroic charge with some bright blue balls.

Q: Btw, does the Covenant have their own version of swine flu? Or is it something that would put AIDS to shame?

A: Well they don't have any form of AIDS (Anally Injected Death Sentence) but they do have something called otter flu. For some reason, it makes all of the infected obsessed with going near fires and intensely heated objects. Many victims of otter flu could be found inside car radiators and many a Hunter has been found in a coffee thermos. The next symptoms make them delirious, pretending to be various singers and actors. The worst case seen by the Covenant public was when Mercy got a small case of otter flu, and began to sing Get Low before the universe. Ever since that incident, mentioning "Apple bottom Jeans" or "Boots with the fur" is punishable by having to beat yourself with a cleat.

Now some prophet questions from the Anonymous Reader:
Q: Now, Mercy was pretty much killed by an Infection Form, but Truth was able to pick up a Spiker and kill Miranda Keyes. My question is that why didn't Mercy just smack the thing? And if the Prophets needed portable WoW chairs to move, how was Truth able to walk on his own, shoot a gun, and continue his psychotic ramblings about C'thulu?

A: Because Mercy was the most out of shape. All the transmissions I have studied concerning him have him crying about his "three death knights" and a lot of other stuff I fail to understand. He had the worst strength of them all because his muscles were depleted by vast amounts of Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. Truth was actually able to walk because he decided to try the Subway diet near the end of the war. The fact he got out of his chair was astounding, but his feet reminded me of that ancient Chinese tradition that women used to do when they'd bound their feet. Why did they do it? To attract men. Sorry ladies, I don't find mangled platypus flippers to be attractive.


[Edited on 12.31.2009 10:50 AM PST]

  • 12.31.2009 10:49 AM PDT
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No offense to any platypi though, Now a question from HeloHaloME:
Q: Here's a question, why is it that Grunts and Jackals hate each other? You hear about it all over the Haloverse. Is it Racism?

A: Actually, it's Heightism. Grunts want to be tall, to be able to reach the cookie jar which keeps being put on a shelf just out of reach by that jerk Tartarus. The Jackals have a desire to be high-pitched midgets so that they could take the part of Munchkins in a Wizard of Oz musical. The Jackals actually envy Grunts, as they do not have the ability to hide in mouse holes or inside large books. The Prophets on the other hand, are not exactly racism. Since they hate everybody just as much, they really don't pick out an exact race. Though they do say some pretty awful things.

Truth: Hey Mercy! What do you call a bunch of white human kids on a bus?

Mercy: Heretics?

Truth: A Twinkie!

(Hearty Laughter)

Regret: Hey Truth! How do you know when a Chinese guy robbed your house?

Truth: There's fortune cookies on the table?

Regret: No! Your house is clean, the computer is upgraded, but two hours later he's still trying to back out of your driveway!

(The Prophets continue laughing, unaware that a very angry 50 Cent is behind them)

50 Cent: Aight, I just KNOW you shriveled crackers ain't disrespectin'!

(The rapper pulls out two glocks aimed towards the prophets, Mercy gasps)

Mercy: Oh crap it's Puff Daddy!

(50 roars and clicks off the safeties)

Ah yes, thank god they're all dead now. Now for several questions from Lord-Kaiju:
Q: If the covenant were so technologically advanced, why didn't they build things such as robots? It would have really helped them out.

A: I, Robot scared them too much. I mean, as human racists, they couldn't risk having Will Smith come aboard their ship to investigate.

Q: Are the prophets, well, In the closet?

A: Let's just say that Mercy would sometimes break out the Epic Sword of Chaos for Truth's Gates of Oblivion if you catch my drift.

Q: In Halo Wars, the hunters are anti vehicle and infantry screws them over, in Halo 3 vehicles destroy them, and infantry are target practice, what gives? (Same thing with the Jackals)

A: Toyota made a new model of Hunter, a lot of things like that can change over time. Especially since the new Hunters have cup holders!

Q: Do the Covenant fear Twilight?

A: That will be explained in the next chapter about Vampires, showing how the Covenant came up with the air vehicle in the first place. You'll get a very lengthy answer to this one I promise.

Now some questions from shipytheelite:
Q: Why do grunts always sleep, and while their sleeping, they talk about Christmas? Wouldn't they get called heretics and be burned for saying that or something?

A: Actually, after Master Chief saved Christmas, it became a universal holiday. It's just celebrated differently for them. By that I mean the Grunts fear Christmas, as in Covenant culture, they get hung over a furnace, where they believe Santa the Obliterator will come to replace their entrails with delicious candy treats.

Q: Why do sentinels have unlimited ammo on there lasers when it runs out so fast for the player?

A: Because the sentinel has an Energizer bunny inside. You blow it up, you kill that rabbit. That means a lot less power.
ANCIENT FORERUNNER TAGLINE: Silly Rabbit! Plasma's for Chief!

Q: Why in Halo 1 did the elites have a different language and in the rest you can hear them talk normally?

A: Because, after much trial and error. The Elites discovered that they had copied yet another thing from humanity. They were speaking English backwards. I'm serious, play some Elite dialogue backwards. Realizing they were already copying us, they said to screw it and just speak English all the time. Unless you're playing a bootlegged French copy of Halo, in which case you won't be able to understand them even if you are French.

A thought provoking question from fatdude:
Q: Not to be stupid but if Humanity has been using guns for hundreds of years, how come we haven't mastered the assault rifle?

A: That can't be explained in this story exactly. That might be explained in a possible sequel-parallel thingy I might write for Why the Covenant Lost the War. It explains how it was actually difficult to fight these morons. It is called Humanity's Technical Difficulties (if I ever decide to release it). All that I can say for now, is that it involves Elmo from Sesame Street and roughly three million ferrets.

Now two questions for Terrorgonet:
Q: I have a question, in Halo 2 I managed to find a skull but I couldn't turn it off and I had to finally just shut off the 360 (360 pwns) so why would Bungie make skulls for halo 2 if you couldn't turn it of?

A: Because the Covenant has control of these skulls. Everyone knows that mysterious skulls have something to do with aliens; this was proven by Indiana Jones. Simply, the Covenant know that some of these skulls become old quite quickly. So they force you to turn off the 360, only making you realize you actually want the skull again, forcing you to do the same stupid task to get it. It's inhumane really

Q: Here's another question, why are people spamming file shares in halo 3 saying that you would get recon if you posted it on your file share or something? I seriously had to find a anti-recon picture so I can get the message out that this is a load of bull sh**.

A: Because this is how they trick the children. File share spammers LOOOOVE children. Most of them drive ice cream trucks during the summer; they drive them in the winter too. You just KNOW they love children if they drive an ice cream truck in the winter, I discovered this two Christmases ago.

(I'm with my ex-girlfriend on a couch)

Ashley: (snuggling up close) This is so nice.

Me: (Putting my arm around her) It is...

(Suddenly, childlike music can be heard outside)

Me: What in death's name?

(I get up and look out the window to see an ice cream truck driving through a blizzard. The ice cream truck has several frozen opossums on the hood, and there are several pictures of children sketched on the side of the ice cream truck, like a fighter pilot's kill tally)

Me: You've got to be kidding me.

(A sixty year old man gets out)

Mysterious Ice Cream Man: Ice cream? Who wants Ice Creeeeeam?

(Several children come up to him)

Moderately Obese Child: I WANT CHOCOLATE! WITH SPRINKLES!

Mysterious Ice Cream Man: You want sprinkles? They're in the
back of my truck...I sure hope you don't find the pack of M&M's strapped to my thigh

Moderately Obese Child: I WANT M&M's!

Ashley: (looking out window) That's just wrong

Me: (running upstairs) I'll get my flamethrower!

Ashley: (running to my laundry room) I'll mix-up some mustard gas!

Yep, you can bet that guy spams file share messages. You just know it.

Now for the last question from Chosen Man:
Q: What do you think the most idiotic Covenant Weapon is? I vote for the Fuel Rod Cannon, just purely due to fact that it apparently fires radioactive ammunition. Hey, our soldiers aren't dying fast enough; let's give them ammunition that kills them!

A: That is an excellent point! In my opinion, the stupidest Covenant weapon is the plasma pistol. One because it's given to grunts and does close to nothing. Two, because it has a chance to violently explode in your hand. The fuel rod cannon is my second choice, it's absolutely fine in the hands of Hunter. Though the effects of radiation on other Covenant aren't the best. It can cause extra limbs, a second talking head (super annoying with grunts), or in the worst case of events it creates super mutants. Of course, the Prophets themselves are an effect of radiation. Truth's mom stood by the microwave just a teensy bit too long

Well, that ends the question and answer segment. Now the vehicle madness shall continue!

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: VAMPIRES: Not the kind Buffy slays guys


  • 12.31.2009 10:51 AM PDT
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PROBLEM 22: VAMPIRES

Yes, we've all dealt with vampires before. The dumb blonde attempting to slay them on TV. The costume your uncle wore to that one Halloween party. That kid at your school or work who believes he's a vampire, mainly because he has no friends because everyone is jealous of his "powers". Then of course, is that word you heard non-stop from every girl you knew for about a period of a month: 'Twilight'.

I have never read Twilight, or watched the movie. I only read a brief part of a sequel to it (a girl said I just HAD to read it) where Bella gave birth. If you're a guy like me, you're going to want to keep away from girls for a long, LONG time after reading that (a long, LONG time for me was three days). If you're a girl, congratulations you'll give up on having kids. Now when the Prophets read this series, they loved it. Of course, being Prophets, they began to argue about it.

Mercy: She should be with Jacob!

Truth: Edward!

Mercy: Jacob!

Truth: Edward!

Mercy: JACOB!

Truth: EDWARD!

Regret: Spongebob.

Deciding that both prophets needed to be pleased, the Covenant began to design two new vehicles. One was called the Vampire, the other was the Werewolf. The Werewolf was a hairy, bipedal thing that would creep up to playgrounds and lure children with brightly colored candy that- oh wait! That was my old biology teacher! The Werewolf was a plan to capture six-year old Elites, and then train them in the arts of war. They would then have their skeletons replaced with a super-tough metal and be given incredibly thick body armor. Truth cancelled the Werewolf program saying:

"It was stupid and couldn't do anything to anyone. EDWARD!"

The Vampire was another Covenant ship, and it was well designed. It would swoop across the skies like a bat, silently descending about the unsuspecting targets below. It would dive faster and faster, until the targets below could hear the engine (which by itself was louder than the Rose Bowl) and slay the armored air assailant with a Jackhammer.
Deciding it needed more improvements, the Prophets came up with a new idea

Mercy: Truth! Put that down, we must speak of the Vampire.

Truth: In a moment, Mercy. I'm killing noobs on Call of Duty 4

Mercy: Who plays COD4? World at War is better!

Truth: Modern Warfare!

Mercy: World at War!

Truth: MODERN WARFARE!

Mercy: WORLD AT WAR!

Truth: COD4 has cooler weapons!

Mercy: It's not even 'modern' anymore; those weapons are hundreds of years old. Besides, does it have flamethrowers or -blam!- zombies?

Truth: If I wanted to kill zombies I'd play Dead Space!

Mercy: Dead Space? Why not Resident Evil 5?

Truth: Because it's racist!

Mercy: It's not racist! You're racist!

Regret: Why don't you both calm down. We could plug in the PS3 and play Haze.

Truth: Haze?

Mercy: Regret, who would EVER play Haze?

Truth: Yeah, you're retarded Regret.

Mercy: Seriously

Regret: (starting to cry) Well...well...I'm going to go level up my Shaman!

Truth: You never can, you're ALWAYS killed by boars.

Regret: (Sobbing, flees from room)

So the argument continued, until eventually the Vampire was completely forgotten and remained what it was. While not the best air vehicle, it did make an excellent paper weight. Most of the Covenant were simply confused, what exactly was the Vampire for?

(Some Covenant are sitting on a snow covered hill, staring at the Vampire they were provided)

Elite: It's for attacking infantry!

Brute: IS FOR SMASHING! SKY CHICKEN IS FOR SMASHING!

(A penguin waddles by)

Brute: Ooooh! A flipper chicken!

(The Brute grabs the penguin and swallows it whole)

Brute: It's the endangerment that makes it so chewy! Kind of tastes like a cross between a bald eagle and a humpback whale!

Elite: That's disgusting!

Jackal: WASSKSSHSH!!

(The Jackal runs full speed head first into the Vampire, knocking himself unconscious)

Elite: Of course, he's obviously figured it out...

Drone: BZZZZZZZZZZ!

(The Drone lays a large egg on top of the Vampire, then spits out honey)

Elite: You're not a bee Bernard, you're a drone.

Drone: BzzzzzZZZ!

Grunt: Me know what is for! I try to fly it!

(The Grunt climbs into the vampire)

(The ship begins to shake violently, and roaring can be heard)

Elite: What's happening in there?

Grunt: There was another bear in the glove box! He has a fez hat!

(A whirring can be heard)

Grunt: And a Spartan laser!

(Boom)

Now for some official facts on it.
The Vampire is primarily designed for engaging enemy air units and could be the closest Covenant unit to be an equivalent to the Hawk. It shoots purple rounds from its Heavy Needler turret at a very fast rate. When upgraded, it can drain energy from hostile aircraft, making them crash to the ground, and regenerating itself. Also, once it has been researched, it can make drained aircraft explode with the Stasis Bomb, causing large damage.

Oh, I get it! It sucks the power from other ships. Like a vampire...kind of. Real electricity vampires are rich people, mainly Bill Gates. Did you know that if Bill Gates turned off his computer for ten seconds there would be enough extra electricity to power North America, Europe, and Hong Kong for 3.7 years?

An excellent anti-air unit, the Vampire boasts high firepower. It is not as fast as the Banshee but it is considerably more resistant to damage. Due to its Heavy Needler turret and wing-mounted plasma cannons, it is able to engage multiple targets at a time. When upgraded it becomes an even worse threat, being able to regenerate itself once the Stasis Drain Cannon is researched, and making drained units explode with the Stasis Bomb. It is extremely effective against Hornets and Vultures and it can be compared to the Hawk. However it can be easily taken out with Wolverines or by Marine's Rocket Launchers. It is also capable of being hijacked by Spartans.

It's always so wonderful, no matter what Covenant vehicle. No matter how powerful or advanced. It is ALWAYS vulnerable of being GTA-ed by a Spartan. Though this next fact is very surprising!

The Vampire most likely got it's name from its ability to drain it's enemies health like a vampire.

Oh sure, now they tell me! After firing roughly 700 cloves of Garlic from a rocket launcher, now they tell me it's because it drains power and NOT because it explodes upon contacting garlic. Of course...don't ever feed a Brute garlic. Ever.

Well that's all for now! All the vehicles are done! But before we move on top weapons, I 've received some suggestions about something I needed to expand on.

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: ENGINEERS: Smart. Ugly. Flying?

Whew...that's all I can bare for today men. Keep up the reading!

[Edited on 12.31.2009 10:56 AM PST]

  • 12.31.2009 10:55 AM PDT
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I love the Tucker reference during the Prowler chapter. I didn't get it 'till the end though.

  • 12.31.2009 12:26 PM PDT
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You gotta love RvB. But anyways...

PROBLEM 23: ENGINEERS

Yes, I have mentioned the engineers briefly before. In the pre-Halo Wars day, the Engineers were mysterious squid-like things that were only attributed to messing with computers and inventing lethal tractors for humans. Well, now I have come across a whole new wealth of information concerning them. Mainly from Halo Wars, I knew they could float but I had no IDEA these things would actually fly!

Seriously! It's like fricking Cloverfield in the air! For the life of me, I don't see why the Covenant trusted these things with their technology, much less near a playground. Not just that, they were created by Forerunners. Which are like our ancestors! So they're STEALING robots from us! Well they're not robotsthey're artificial squid thingsHere are some examples of the "names" they make for themselves:

Lighter Than Some
Fatter Than Most
Easy To Adjust
Far Too Heavy
Mildly Obeser Than Few
Stranger Than Michael Jackson Leading A Boy Scout Troop

That, and their language all together is strange. Like when I first heard it in Halo Wars. What is the deal with all that whistling? I'll tell you. They are INCREDIBLY vulgar. Here's a segment of a conversation some had, not for the faint of heart mind you.

Elite: So...how're you doing?

Engineer: Fine...so I was stabbing this baby, right?

Elite: WHAT?!?

Engineer: And it's all crying and stuff. Then the Mom walks in, so I smash her in the face with a sledgehammer, and I'm all. 'Uh, oh. I just killed two people'. So I shove the baby into the Mom's -blam!- and drag the body in the street. So people are like "Awwwwwould you look at that? She died while giving birth. And so did the baby!' And that's how I got away with murder.

Elite: Excuse me? That's awful! What's wrong with you?

Engineer: Well... I kill people.

Elite: Talk about something normal! Like how's your family?

Engineer: I killed them. Every...single...one.

Elite:...

Engineer: Okay...so I'm see-sawing this raccoon up against a tree right? Then I do my special trick where...

Elite: You're messed up!

Engineer: Well so-rry mister Journeyism.

Elite: Hey! I'm pastafarian! I'm offended by that!

If you think that's bad, it's even worse when they're together.
Engineer: SO I'm stabbing this baby right? Then my parents walk in on me...

Engineer 2: I hate it when that happens.

Engineer: I know! I've killed like 5 babies.

Engineer 2: That's nothing! One time I killed over 9000 babies.

Engineer: Wow! How'd you manage to do that?

Engineer 2: Let's just say the miscarriage rate in 2547 was a bit off...

(Both chuckle)

Engineer: So...do you like.

Engineer 2: Screwing small animals? Oh yeah! Like birds, hamsters, rats, turtles, frogs, school buses, lions, tigers, and bears.

Engineer: Oh my. That's awesome.

Engineer 2: Really?

Engineer: It's so awesome that I'm PMS-ing...

Enough of that garbage! Yes, while being nerds and smut peddlers, they are exceptionally good at fixing things. In fact, in Halo: Contact Harvest (CORRECTION: FIRST STRIKE), an Engineer came and repaired the shield generator on Master Chief's armor PLUS his Needler. Then the UNSC marines rewarded the good hearted Engineer by having Lieutenant Haverson blow the hell out of it. Now that's the human way!

That, or maybe they shot him because he smelled. As Engineers CONSTANTLY pump out methane out of their gas filled bodies. This may be the reason they don't get along with drones, as the cacafuego gland is increased TEN FOLD with an engineer. Having a drone near an engineer can pretty much create a miniature Hiroshima on taco night, trust me. Even in Halo Wars, an upgrade is "Harmonious Digestion".

What?!? HARMONIOUS DIGESTION?!?!? So the Covenant considers giving Pepcid to Engineers an "upgrade". They should fix the other Covenant medical problems first, especially Tartarus. The bad news is he has crabs. The worse news is his crabs have herpes.

Now for some official facts!

Huragok can communicate with other Covenant species such as Grunts, and perhaps with other Huragok, by flexing their limbs in various directions, bending and overlapping to form the specific formation for each word, much like the Human sign language. Their sacs can also swell and deflate at times of great emotion, suggesting another, more subtle method for communication.

Well sure, though most of the hand signals are quite obscene. Though trying to interpret an Engineer is like playing charades from hell. I mean they have tentacles! How do you understand hand signals from a tentacle! (Apologies to children born with tentacles, such as the pygmies adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie).

The Huragok are the species credited with killing the first human in the Human-Covenant War, albeit accidentally. This particular Huragok was Lighter Than Some, who killed a man on board the ship This End Up by throwing a "hunting rock" at the back of the man's head, killing him instantly.

A hunting rock? Now I don't know about you, but the job application for the Covenant army right now is: made of gas, smells like a dead penguin that was vomited on by Peter Hammarstedt on a deleted scene in Whale Wars, PLUS weapon of choice: rock. I do not have a hunting rock. Guess what Covies? Chuck Norris has a hunting BOULDER! He might just throw it at you one day. Know what it's called? The Moon.

In Halo: Ghost of Onyx, a group of Engineers repaired a NOVA bomb stolen by the Covenant fleet after a Grunt, Kwassass pushed a button. The NOVA bomb was then activated and exploded, destroying the Covenant Super carrier Sublime Transcendence with its entire crew including Kwassass, as well as the nearby Covenant outpost planet Joyous Exultation and its moon, Malhiem, and the rest of the fleet orbiting it.

Forget Agent Jack in 24! These guys know how to handle the situation! Repair a bomb, right next to a Grunt. Thereby setting off a bomb that has the destructive capabilities roughly twice that of the Death Star.

They possess no true tissue or organs, but can mimic them so closely they are indistinguishable from their biological analogs. Given sufficient raw materials, a pair of Huragok can produce a unified replica of themselves in approximately 45 minutes. A maximum of three Huragok may participate in the reproduction event, the subsequent time for creation of an offspring is cut down to 30 minutes.

I'll just leave you to ponder the massive amount of disturbing thoughts that come to mind. "Let's make a baby, out of this pile of junk! In a half hour. Oh, call Jeff over to help!"
Frankly, I can't stand these abominations anymore, so without further trauma

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: THE PLASMA PISTOL: THE GRUNT FAIL OF CHOICE

  • 01.01.2010 8:14 AM PDT
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PROBLEM TWENTY-FOUR: PLASMA PISTOLS

It's small, it's green, and there are roughly five hundred billion encountered in the first level of Halo alone. The plasma pistol was developed by the Prophets after a drunken night of "Naked Show Dog Polo" and it was there the plasma pistol was conceived. The idea was developed after it became apparent that the current weapons they gave the smaller Covenant forces (mainly grunts) were super ineffective. The list follows:

Trout
Frying Pan
Wheelchair
Telephone on a Stick
Boxing Glove on a Baseball Bat
S.A.L (Surface-to-Air-Leprechaun)
Portal Gun

It was very ineffective, that and they were constantly being sued by other alien races. Mainly because they were sick of having tiny rhyming Irish men burst through the windows of their spacecraft. So Mercy began the designs for the fabled "Wraith Launcher" when Truth wisely pointed out that a grunt would not be able to fire an entire Wraith at a target. So the plasma pistol was created. Though there was one last ditch effort to produce grunt weapon, shown by an Engineer to Truth and Mercy.

(The Prophets are hovering on their chairs on a grassy planet; an Engineer is standing there with a bracelet around a tentacle)

Truth: You're wasting our time!

Mercy: For once, I agree with Truth! What does it do?

Engineer: (whistling) Let's hurry this up. I'm hungry...got any children?

Truth: NO! Just show us what it does!

(The Engineer raises his tentacle and a light flashes from the bracelet)

Mercy: What did that do?

Truth: It makes a light flash?

Mercy: That is the absolute most pointless-

(A lawn chair flies over a distant mountain range, and hits Mercy directly in his testicles)

Mercy: Ow! (Falls off of chair onto his knees) Holy panda dicks! That hurts!

Truth: You got sacked by a lawn chair! AHAHAHAHAHA-

(A Coca-cola bottle flies over the mountain and hits Truth in the testicles)

Truth: OW! (Falls off chair) Buddha monkey balls that hurts!

Mercy: Who's throwing crap?

(The Engineer raises his tentacle and a light flashes from the bracelet)

Truth: (Pointing at the Engineer) Was that you?!?

(A chipmunk and a boxed Dominoes pizza fly over the mountain, the chipmunk pelts Truth and the pizza hits Mercy)

Truth: Ow! Oh Journey...what is going on?

Mercy: I think he's making random objects fly at our ball-sacks

Truth: What is wrong with you?

Engineer: So many things (He raises his arm and there's a flash of light)

Truth: Oh crap!

(A large horn flies over the mountain and hits Mercy, a loud "HONK" can be heard on impact)

Truth: That's it! This stupidity has gone on long enough!

(Truth begins to shakily walk towards the Engineer, only to be struck by a Goodyear tire, cauliflower, and then an oil drum)

Mercy: Quickly! Flee to the ship before he launches another balls attack!

(Truth and Mercy crawl towards a large Phantom, but are struck by a coffee maker and a jar of peanut butter)

Truth: THE PAIN!!!!

So it was decided that this weapon would not be used and the Engineer was subsequently fed to the Jonas Brothers. Then, the Jonas Brothers were thrown into a distant sun. It truly was a great day for the universe. The Prophets went on playing World of Warcraft, beign the addicted fiends they are. For those WoW players who don't agree with me, I have a wonderful example. A girl on FF called Silent Strike 'Scy' is a girl who plays WoW. She told me that she is a "level 80 Tauren Hunter" and while I'm not sure what that means I feel it's probably impressive. She says that playing WoW is fine as long as you don't go overboard, and I completely agree with that. I'm still not touching that game, but I can agree with it. Now being strapped to a floating chair that plays it for all eternity is a different matter. Especially if it dispenses Hot Pockets and Warcraft Gamefuel.

Now the plasma pistol was a slightly dangerous weapon, especially if you charged it up. It was increased even more when Tartarus sold his soul to Sarah Palin in Halo 2, giving the Covenant access to "possessed plasma pistol bolts" that would follow you no matter where you went. Though thankfully the shots no longer fired like a mortar.
So most Covenant ground forces adapted the tactic of getting in groups and firing nonstop volleys of plasma shots, which for a Spartan would feel like a light tickle. But if they happened to fire a charged shot, then there would be NO shields. So a weapon was developed by the UNSC to counter the pistol. The Jackhammer Rocket Launcher.

Now for some official facts!

The Plasma Pistol will overheat when fired non-stop for extended periods of time, or if the overcharged shot is released, which render the weapon completely useless for several seconds. Also, the weapon, while accurate at shorter ranges, has somewhat of a limited long-range accuracy due to the relatively low velocity of its shots. It is also a very weak weapon when shot normally, taking several shots to wear out a target's shielding and doing almost no damage to an unshielded enemy taking 17 shots to kill an unshielded target. The weapon's battery cannot be recharged, and thus it must be discarded when the battery is fully depleted.

Non-rechargeable, multiple shots to take down an enemy, and it can't fire too long. Only Billy Mays could sell this weapon...oh wait! HE CAN'T! Speaking of the dead, there's a troubling topic I'd like to bring up: Michael Jackson. While it's too soon for me to reveal what REALLY happened, I will say this. Now that he's dead they're planning on melting down his plastic into toys so little boys can play with him for once. Moving on!

In Halo 3 the Plasma Pistol has the ability to "freeze" vehicles, this new feature can allow the player to temporary disable the vehicle, and allow the player to take a more permanent measure in the form of a rocket launcher or a plasma grenade to destroy a vehicle. However, the weapon systems on the vehicle will still be active when this is accomplished. The ability to freeze a vehicle is most effective at disabling Banshees, allowing a player to board the vehicle without fear of being bombed.

I will never understand how that works outit's so confusing

Warthog Driver: Look! A grunt!

Gunner: Run him over!

(A plasma shot impacts the Warthog)

Driver: Dude! What just happened?

Gunner: We've lost power! Oh...the gun still works.

Grunt: Me did it!

(The grunt is obliterated by the Warthog turret)

Driver: We did it!

(A Lemur flies over a mountain range and hits the driver in the testicles)

Driver: OW!

In addition to its standard offensive capabilities, there are also various elements peculiar to each game that enhances its effectiveness. In Halo: Combat Evolved, it has the ability to briefly stun opponents via its standard firing mode. Also, the overcharged shots cause heavy damage to unshielded opponents in multiplayer as well as unshielded Covenant forces except Hunters and Grunts and other forces on legendary. In Halo 2 the overcharged shot's tracking is increased from Halo: Combat Evolved, allowing for easier shield depletion's, however in Halo 3, the overcharged shot has reduced tracking to its weakest levels yet. An overcharged plasma bolt in Halo 3 will destroy a Brute's Power Armor, making them vulnerable to weaponry fire.

That's so confusing! The weapon keeps getting crappier in some areas, and better in others. That is much too indecisive if you ask me. That and the fact that you always get killed by people armed with a plasma pistol and a battle rifle. Very unfair indeed. These pistols are annoying, repetitive, but can be useful if used to that degree.

This is not the Covenant strong point, grunts have been documented holding contests to see who can hold the plasma energy core longer before dropping it and howling in pain.
That's all I've got for now! I've got a cruise to plan!

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: PLASMA RIFLES: Bigger isn't Better.

  • 01.01.2010 8:17 AM PDT
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Problem Twenty-Five: Plasma Rifles

The Plasma Rifle, the choice weapon for the elites and the choice back-scratcher for the Brutes. Probably the most generally seen combat weapon other than the plasma pistol, it's not very much different. The difference is it has rapid fire, can't charge up, and has a tendency to overheat VERY quickly. It doesn't make sense...until NOW! It's supposed to overheat on PURPOSE. This was brought about by a super important and holy Ancient Prophet whose name has long been forgotten.

Ancient: We must design a weapon. What information have you brought me?

Brute: I can smell colors.

Ancient: Anything USEFUL?

Brute: No.

Ancient: Now then, I must check my Myspace!

Brute: What is a Myspace?

Ancient: It's like a communication center and blog.

Brute: A blog? Is that an Irish beast that lives in a river and communicates through farts?

Ancient: No. Now to check my...WHAT?!? The commander has declined my friend request!

Brute: Fr-iend?

Ancient: You'll never know what that means! Now get back to work!

The Ancient Prophet was so angered by an Elite Commander declining a friend request on Myspace that he decided that the entire species MUST be punished. He went through a various list of weapons to punish them with, which included:

A Freshwater Salmon
A Plunger
A Live Cat
A Raccoon Launcher
A Nutsack Targeter (Project cancelled due to Engineer led attack on prophets, see Engineer chapter)
A BFG 9000
Holy Water
Squirrels
Crippled Orphan Babies that Violently Exploded on Impact

The Ancient became even angrier after realizing that the Elites were owning with these weapons as well, especially with the BFG and Orphan Babies. The Ancient Prophet considered giving them plasma pistols, only to realize they had been distributed to the grunts as punishment (they refused to work as lawn ornaments). So it was decided they would be given a NEW weapon.

Ancient: Honorable servant, you must make me a wondrous infantry weapon!

Engineer: That's what she said.

Ancient: What? Look, just make a weapon for the Elites.

Engineer: I steal...lollipops...from little bay-bies...cuz I'm a REAL man.

Ancient: That's...cute. Just build me a weapon!

Engineer: Your mom built me a weapon.

Ancient: LISTEN TO ME! The Elites desire a holy weapon that will pass any known bounds of technology and power, a weapon so powerful that the inhabitants of this galaxy and the others shall quake in fear. Now, CONSTRUCT ME A WEAPON OF SUCH TERRIBLE MIGHT THAT WILL CAUSE OUR ENEMIES TO BECOME TREMULOUS AND WEAK!

(The Prophet pants heavily after his rant, the Engineer looks up humbly)

Engineer: That's what she said.

Ancient: I'LL DO IT MYSELF!

The Ancient Prophet, sitting at his desk with his quill, scribble ravenously on a piece of parchment (these weapons go WAAAY back) and spent the entire historic night making decrees and designs. Yes, the weapon was prepared faster than Angelina Jolie adopting pygmy children and after a short while he presented the parchment to the chief of engineering.

Ancient: Here it is!

(He hands he parchment to the engineer)

Engineer: (confused) Don't you dip the quill in ink first?

So the Ancient spent ANOTHER historic night scribbling of a piece of parchment reiterating his designs to create the plasma rifle. The initial weapon went well with the Elites, though there were difficulties in some areas.

Ancient: Now, here is your weapon.

(The Prophet hands the wide-eyed Elite a Wal-Mart bag (plastic of course), which the Elite opens)

Elite: It is most wonderful, Excellency. They are so light and shiny...is it possible to use two at once?

Ancient: Heresy! You shall only use ONE. The day you may use two of these weapons at once is the day that a sacred ring is destroyed.

(The Prophet laughs heartily)

This of course, made him look like a complete idiot after the events of Halo. Yes, things were -blam!-er than Michael Jackson at a Boy Scout Jamboree but things soon looked up. The Elites were allowed to use two plasma rifles at once, but this brought on jealousy from the brutes. They thought it was unfair; all they were allowed to have at the time were giant hammers, and grenade launchers. The problem is they could never get close enough to Hammer-Bash someone in the head without getting shot and the brute shot's measly clip of only 500 grenades meant Brutes could still miss over 507 of the 500 shots. They wanted a plasma rifle too. So Truth created them a "special" rifle type.

Truth: Here is the rifle you requested Tartarus.

Tartarus: (pulling several chips out of his fat rolls and eating them) What's it do?

Truth: It fires much more rapidly than the elite rifle, and has a greater firing ratio.

Tartarus: urrrr(he pulls an entire pizza box out and stares at Truth while devouring it)

Truth: Do you understand?

Tartarus: (putting what appears to be a toaster into his mouth) No.

Truth: (sighs) More Dakka.

Tartarus: (with food shooting out his mouth with excitement) MORE DAKKA!??!

(The Brute grabs the weapon, and holds it to the light to examine it carefully. Then devours it whole.)

Truth: (slapping his own face) Idiot!

Yes, Truth was an evil idiot. He was pretty much a cross between Adolf Hitler and Skeletor, who pissed pure malevolence. He made sure to have them colored bright orange, so it would make it harder for the apes to lose them. PLUS he had them glow a different color. The reason being was that whenever Tartarus sat on the most holy couch of television observing, they were constantly losing the remote. Only to find it lodged in one of Tartaruses' many fat rolls (along with several grunts and a small colony of Dungeness crabs). They decided the weapon would glow nice and bright, hoping that a Brute might notice a strange glow coming from its fat. To top it off, it shot even faster than regular plasma rifles, and overheated MUCH faster. This was to insure maximum PMS aggression from the Brutes. And PMS they did! They smashed, they crushed, they roared, they sobbed uncontrollably eating cookie dough watching soap operas! The confusing weapon made them FURIOUS! They became so furious, that they developed a distinct phobia for the color orange. Naturally they became angered at the Elite Honor guards, and Master Chief's helmet visor. There were also many reported cases of Brutes viciously assaulting traffic cones. The most spread case was one in which a Brute reportedly smashed a traffic cone with a comically large object, which was later discovered to be the Truth and Reconciliation.

Truth: What happened to the ship?!?

Brute: (sobbing) I'm sorry I brokeded your toy!

Truth: That "toy" was keeping this sector of space safe!

Brute: Me try to fix it.

(The ship is covered is massive mounts of glue, paper clips, and chewed bubblegum)

Truth: All of this, and where is your brute rifle?

Brute: I eated it.

Truth: What!?

Brute: I thought it was a five-dollar footlong.

The Elites weren't happy with the original plasma rifle either, mainly because the humans had weapons that fired MUCH faster and didn't burn their hands. Plus they could fire for a long time without needing to reload, or simply throw the weapon away. They wanted a better weapon! So the Prophets granted their request: the energy sword. This will be one of the longest chapters yet!

That's all for now, hope you've enjoyed it! Much more to come!

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: ENERGY SWORDS: Run Luke, Run!

  • 01.01.2010 8:21 AM PDT
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Problem Twenty-Six: Energy Swords

Yes swords! Not that "pan-blam!-ry lightsaber" that ancient humans made, but a sword relying on plasma based energy. Or somethingperhaps magical fairy dust, or Al Gore's sweat, or a Duracel.

Either way, the sword is a powerful close quarters that was mainly favored by Elites. Humans were not entirely surprised to see swords, mainly because they had been used throughout all of history. Such is revealed in this epic poem from the 11th century.

In the days of old, where knights were bold
And cared not where they wented
They dumped their load, on the side of the road
And road away contented.

Sorry wrong poem...

Out of the bed, and onto the floor,
Fifty-yard dash to the bathroom door!

Wait...this is a satanic bible passage (Book of Judas: Chapter 5: Midnight Attack of the Diarrhea). So I will forget the poems, and simply hope that you understand that swords were commonplace. Though, the nature of swords were distorted by spasmadic anime shows in the late 20th to 23rd century, that ultimately led humans to believe that not only were swords roughly three times the size of a person, but that it didn't matter how strong you were. It only mattered how LOUD you shouted when you swung it. I have barely seen any anime in my life (Longest I saw was Spirited Away, which was excellent) but remember being six-watching Dragonball-Z. Briefly seeing people brandishing swords the size of Rhode Island, dropping energy balls the size of the moon, etc.
The Prophets saw this, and were amazed.

Truth: Mercy what are you watching?

Mercy: Some strange broadcast that reached our ships.

(On a large TV, a man with forearms the size of walruses is holding a huge energy ball)

Man: TEIMTODIEAASSKLOWN!!!!

(He throws the energy ball, which decimates the entire surface of a planet, the exception being a man holding a small sword in front of him)

Truth: We must have that weapon.

So the prophets sent two Elites to negotiate, sending them to a very remote planet.

Elite Leader: I don't like the look of this forest.

Elite: Neither do I...

(Suddenly, a man in a large helmet comes out from behind a tree, surrounded by minions.)

Man: Ni!

(The minions repeat Ni.)

Elite Leader: Ahhh! My ears!

Elite: My brain stopped!

So the result was that they did not find a sword, and Truth ate a bad hot pocket and suffered terrible shotgun diarrhea. So it was decided they would develop their own sword!

(The prophets are on a podium above all of the Covenant)

Truth: After careful observation, we have created a new
weapon. Behold!

(Mercy presses a button and a huge hologram appears)

Truth: The Type-1 Energy Sw-

Mysterious Man: Yo yo yo yo yo yo!

(Kanye West runs up onto the stage and snatches the microphone from Truth)

Kanye West: Yo Truth, I'm really happy for you, and ima let you finish. But Excalibur was one of the best swords of all time! OF ALL TIME!

(The Covenant are completely silent)

Regret: (leaning over to Mercy) Who said that...Akon could come here?

Kanye West: Yo! I'm not that foo Akon. I'm the greatest genius rapper voice of the generation of all time!

Truth: Even still, I can say "Hit my money" twenty times in a row, where's my fifty million?

(The Covenant murmur in agreement)

Kanye West: Yo! You all best shut up, fore I propagate my individuality and extremity all of you!

So even though the ceremony was ruined, the sword was brought into the Covenant and Kanye west was locked into a Covenant jail, forced to write reviews for children's books until the end of time. (Yo Rainbow Fish! I'm really happy for you, and imam let you finish, but I'm the -blam!-est fish of all time!) The sword itself was a success, but it was soon decided that grunts should not use them.

Grunt One: Fiszoooo, zoooo!

(The grunt slashes at another with his energy sword, and the other parries it)

Grunt Two: Vroom, vrromm, bzzzzzzzt

(An Elite commander walks in, obviously confused)

Elite: What's going on here?

Grunt One: Back away! I am beyond your powers!

Elite: What?

(The other Grunt jumps in front of the Elite)

Grunt Two: Don't worry Princess Amidala! I will save you from the dark side!

Elite: Who?

(The Elite looks up, to see several other grunts dancing and singing to a horrible song, a horribly obese Brute whose feet cannot be seen is sitting in the corner)

Grunt Mob: You're a Jerk!

Brute: I know.

Grunt Mob: You're a Jerk!

Brute: I know.

(One of the grunts is suddenly thrown into a wall by an invisible power, the Elite sees a dark cloaked figure enter the room, holding a glowing red sword)

Vader: All too easy.

(For no apparent reason, Vader begins dancing with the surviving grunts)

It was then decided that the grunts did not need swords, neither did the Brutes. This happened with Truth reviewed Tartarus' schedule for the brutes.

0400 - Morning INSULTS - Led by the Tartarus (BETTER GET THEIR -blam!- ASSES IN ORDER BEFORE I STICK A DRONE SO FAR UP SAID -blam!- THEY WISH THEY WERE A GRUNT)

0500 - Morning Firing- Brutes engage in target practice with their personal and squad weaponry, awards and punishments are dispensed (FOR BULLCRAP OR A LACK THEREOF AND IF ANY PIG RAPIST THINKS OTHERWISE TOMORROWS PRACTICE WILL BE A ROUSING GAME OF PIN THE SENTINEL ON THE FLOOD)

0700 - Battle Practice (BEAT THE LIVING OUT OF CRAP WITH YOUR ENERGY SWORD OR, BARRING THAT, JUST BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUT OF CRAP WITH WHATEVER'S AVAILABLE. AND IF YOU'RE TOO PANTS ON HEAD RETARDED TO FIND SOMETHING TO HIT THEN YOU BETTER START BEATING THE -blam!- OUT OF THE GROUND BECAUSE LAST TIME I CHECKED THIS SHIP HASN'T CONFESSED ITS SINS AGAINST THE PROPHETS.)

1200 - Midday Prayer (ANY ONE NOT TOO STUPID TO HIT THEMSELVES PRACTICES SCREAMING AT -blam!-. EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO SUCK THE MEDIC'S DICK BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED ANY MEDICINE FOR THAT TINY LITTLE PLASMA WOUND YOU TARD.

1300 - Midday Meal - Normally local wildlife killed during the morning activities. (AND BELIEVE ME WE KILL A LOT OF FRICKING BUNNY RABBITS AND PEPPERS AND -blam!- AND EAT ALL OF IT AND LEAVE NONE FOR YOU. BOO HOO, -blam!-.)

1315 - Tactical Briefing (THIS USUALLY DOESN'T TAKE THIS LONG. I'LL JUST PUT UP A BIG PICTURE OF THE NEXT THING WE'RE GONNA SHOOT AND SAY "SHOOT THIS YOU OAFS" SERIOUSLY, WHO THE NEEDS AN HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES TO DO THAT? -blam!-, THAT'S WHO.)

1500 - Battle Practice (SEE ABOVE IF YOUR NOT WEARING A NECK BRACE YOU INCOMPETENT LITTLE NIPPLE LICKER. WE HIT MORE -blam!- WITH LARGER OBJECTS.)

2000 - Evening Prayer - I THINK YOU GET THE IDEA. I'M NOT GOING OVER THIS AGAIN. SCREW YOU!

2100 - Evening Meal - A feast is provided by the Covenant, and some officers may allow alcohol to be consumed. ( YEAH! WE'LL ORDER LIKE A THOUSAND PIZZA'S TO THE ELITES AND HUNTERS! SCREW YOU HUNTERS! GO WRITE IN YOUR LITTLE JOURNAL.)

2130 - Night Firing Exercises (WE SPEND MORE TIME. HITTING MORE THINGS. WITH LARGER OBJECTS. DUH!)

2315 - Maintenance Rituals (FIX YOUR CRAPOR I'LL GRAB AN ENGINEER AND MAKE HIM FIX YOUR CRAP. ONE OF THOSE CLAUSES IS LITERAL.)

2345 - Free Time Brutes are permitted this time to reflect upon their duty to The Covenant, however many officers regard free time as a frivolous waste, and a dangerous distraction in the extreme. (EXCEPT PUNTING GRUNTS!)

0000 - Rest Period (BUT YOU BETTER NOT SPEND FOUR WHOLE HOURS SLEEPING. IF YOU DO YOU ARE NOT TOUGH ENOUGH AND TOMORROW YOU GET THE FIRST CHANCE TO BE HIT BY THE IRON TURTLE!)

The discovery of this...schedule, led the gravity hammer to be developed, but that is another matter entirely. But swords were hard to handle even for elites, this was proven by the Commander Sean'Pol who believed they could deflect plasma bolts. He is now known only as "Swiss-Cheese". There was also a rumor (believed to have been spread by Truth as a joke) that energy swords made excellent massaging devices. Not only was there a larger number of hairless Brutes found, but there seemed to be a strange drop in the Brute birth rate for years following. Now for the official facts:

The Energy Sword consists of a curved hilt that, when activated, shapes and contains superheated plasma. Two small magnetic-field generators built into the handle of the weapon help form the oval shaped, ionized blades that the weapon is recognized for. The energy sword runs on battery power; an active sword, however, does not deplete the battery's energy: only when the sword makes contact with an object does the battery's energy deplete. Each strike from the sword will drain the battery by 10% of its maximum energy output, but if its user is careful, light strikes will not drain battery power. Once the battery power dies out the sword will deactivate and be rendered useless unless recharged.

Yes, there have been occasions where multiple metal objects have flown towards an energy sword. The most comical being Truth's entire throne. They recharge using the same method our headphones do. Tiny nuclear powered hamsters running on wheels (while our headphones use a chorus of millions of these singing hamsters).

The Sangheili pride themselves on their skills with this weapon, and the Sangheili believe that it is honorable for a Sangheili to fight, and die by the sword. The Sangheili are also very strict on who can be trained in the art of swordsmanship, only Aristocrats are permitted to wield swords and that sword-wielders are no longer eligible for marriage; however, they may breed with any female they choose, married or otherwise, to ensure successful transmission of "swordsman" genes.

Well that's just a stupid idea, no marriage is safe! Even Truth had a great love story, it did have a brief turmoil his love's server crashed though.

You know what they say, you either use it or lose it.

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: GRAVITY HAMMERS: You know it's going to suck for the others../


  • 01.01.2010 8:26 AM PDT
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Good news everyone! I can officially declare WTCLTW on the Bnet forums caught up with the official one!

  • 01.01.2010 8:27 AM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Posted by: LordMandalore
Good news everyone! I can officially declare WTCLTW on the Bnet forums caught up with the official one!
YAY!

  • 01.01.2010 8:57 AM PDT
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It feels like an accomplishment =P

  • 01.01.2010 9:28 AM PDT
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AWESOME!

  • 01.03.2010 2:51 PM PDT
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Look, a NEW chapter!

PROBLEM TWENTY-SEVEN: GRAVITY HAMMERS

Stop! Hammer time! Now that we've got that obvious joke out of the way, it's time to deal with the Skull Slammers, the Meat Mashers, the Orphanage Obliterators, the Cripple Crushers, the Gravity Hammer. Perhaps the largest and most unwieldy weapon in the galaxy's history, the hammer was proposed during the Second Norris Tribunal onboard High Charity.

Truth: We're going to deal with this issue head on!

Elite Commander: But how? We already sent assassins to try to kill him. His doors didn't even have locks, there was just a sign that said "I accept all challengers".

Mercy: We have analyzed the great enemy quite thoroughly, mainly by watching several seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger.

Regret: By looking at the "credits", we have gathered the names of all those who may know his weaknesses. We shall interrogate them immediately.

(The thousands of Covenant in the audience mumble approvingly)

Commander: My lords! Those aren't credits! They're casualties!

(Alarmed murmurs begin in the audience)

Truth: Quiet worms! We are developing a new weapon for our troops!

Grunt: A new weapon?!?

Truth: Yes.

(The audience cheers)

Mercy: For the Brutes.

(The audience screams in terror, and begins to flee the
Tribunal. The Brutes, with natural mole whacking instincts beginning, grab every available object. Including desks, chairs, Banshees, guns, staplers, kittens, LOLbats, tangelos, fiddle faddles, and hooly hoops, and begin beating random
members of society)

Truth: Order.ORDER!!!

(Mercy throws a strange looking grenade at a brute officer,
upon detonation his head turns blue and grows a large Mohawk)

Brute: ARRGHH! WAGGA-WAGGA!
(The brute runs blindly, his Mohawk flowing in the wind, and slams into a large statue, (its holiness rating equivalent to that of the rock in Mecca) shattering it)

Mercy: Do something you idiot!

Commander: By the power of Greyskull!

(The commander dives into the crowd, but there is suddenly a bright light in the middle of the room)

Mercy: What now?

(Chuck Norris appears in the middle of the crowd, which gasps)

Grunt: (while crapping out enough bricks to build the Pyramids of Giza) IT'S HIM!!

(Chuck Norris begins plowing through the crowd, resembling Sauron in the beginning of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)

Regret: We're doomed.

Truth: SILENCE! There must be a way to kill it!

Chuck Norris: I HAVE DEVOURED A METEOR SHOWER! NOW I WILL -blam!- THE APOCALYPSE! (he dives into a crowd of fleeing Elites)

Mercy: Yeah, kill THAT.

(Chuck glares at a grunt, whose head spontaneously combusts)

Truth: (sighs) Its only a matter of time until he divides by zero and destroys the whole ship.

Regret: This is stupid! (storming off into another room) I'm gonna go watch Shark Week! THIS SHIP IS A PRISON! (slams door)

Mercy: Do you think he'll let us go?

Chuck Norris: I WAS BORN IN A LOG CABIN I BUILT WITH MY BARE HANDS!

Truth: I don't think we'll survive.

Chuck Norris left after devouring a measly thirteen billion souls, as he wasn't in the mood for a large snack. The prophets fled with their personal ship drivers (Lady Diane's chauffer, Chris Brown, and Leeroy Jenkins) and continued their plans. So even though the hammer wasn't immediately accepted by the Covenant as a whole, the brutes were delighted. So delighted, that they didn't even bother to wonder what on earth a LOLbat was. Ha! Even as I write this my girlfriend is reading over my shoulder and giving me the evil eye, obviously jealous because she has no idea what a LOLbat is either! When she said that she wanted to be around no matter what I was doing, she had NO IDEA what she was getting in to!

Bottom Line: Fear the LOLbat.

Anyways, the hammer was designed to be a brute weapon. Heavy, slow, powerful, and not making any sense. I mean, how many Brutes actually get close enough to actually use this thing? Even if they do, there is a 900% chance that 60% of their allies will die 74% of the time. They attempted an instructional video, which did not achieve much.

Elite on video: First you do this! STOP! Double-take three times! One two three! Then pelvic thrust! Whoo, woohoohoo! Stop on your right foot. DON'T FORGET IT! Then, bring it around town

The video was cancelled following a lawsuit, so they needed intense training instead, such as this example:

Instructor: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!

(A metal spanner flies across a field and hits a brute
directly in the testicles)

Wait, that's the wrong example. Here we are!

Grunt Instructor: Now, to call your gravity hammer, hold your hands above it.

(The brute follows suit)

Instructor: No say, in a strong voice, "up".

Brute: Yarp.

Instructor: No, say: up.

Brute: Naaarp?

Instructor: Say up.

Brute: Durf.

(The brute then smiles with glazed over eyes, the grunt sniffs the air)

Instructor: That is DISGUSTING!

(The back of the brute's pants move slightly)

Instructor: (eyes widening) What was that?!?

(The brute's pants are torn open, and a creature that looks like it was rejected from Starship Troopers for being too horrible emerges. It has razor sharp teeth, six arms, two legs, and large spins all over its back. It roars and runs into a vent.)

Instructor: WHAT THE FLOOD WAS THAT?!?

Brute: I poops out Carnifex.

If you don't know what a Carnifex is, look it up, they're horrible. So this plan failed miserably, just because A) Brutes are morons and B) They had to use a grunt instructor, as an Elite instructor would cause feuds. The second day did not go so well either, as they tried to use an elite.

Elite Instructor: Now take the hammer, and firmly grasp it in your hand.

(the brute picks it up, the drops it)

Instructor: (putting the weapon back in his hand) Firmly grasp it.

(It falls again)

Instructor: FIRMLY GRAPS IT!

(Before the Elite can ram the handle through the brute's hand, several Dead Space-esque tentacles shoot out of the vents and grab the elite)

Elite: What's happening?!?

Brute: (smiling) Carnifex evolve into C'thulu overnight, he angry.

To shorten the disturbing amounts of stories I could tell, the Brutes basically received no training. So instead of Derek Jeter precise swings, it looked more like a sugar-high seven year-old with tourettes trying to hit a piñata blindfolded and drunk. The brute's failed miserably, having the mental comprehension of a four-year old trying to make out the plot of Brothers Grimm the movie.

Now for the official facts!

The Gravity Hammer is devastating in close quarter combat, capable of smashing vehicles away, and bouncing explosives away from the wielder of the hammer. The Gravity Hammer's attack is an instant kill on any target at point blank range (unless damage resistance or shields have been modified or if the target deflects the blow with an Energy Sword). The Hammer creates a small blue and white shock-wave that expands from the center of the hammer's head, shaking the perspective of players nearby.

It's a giant overpowered club. If they were REALLY smart, the prophets could've given them some giant trees to beat enemies with. I mean, it would be cost effective! Maybe some really massive trees, I'm talking ones that blot out the sun. A tree from Avatar's Pandora would do nicely. (Yes, the movie was Space Pocahontas, but it was AWESOME)

The Hammer also hurls targets backwards if it connects, often sending them incredibly far. In addition, rockets shot at the wielder can be knocked away if the attack is timed well.

Bad idea.

Brute: I am a Jedi!

(a rocket is flying towards the Brute)

Brute: I can deflect it with my powers!

(boom)

It should be noted that taking out a Hammer in the midst of a Grunt pack will cause them to immediately panic.

Can you BLAME them? I'd panic too if some seven foot tall armored commando whipped out a tard basher! Sometimes I truly feel sorry for Grunts

Well then...

Tune in to our next chapter: FUEL ROD CANNONS: This is a BIG issue!

  • 01.06.2010 2:32 PM PDT
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PROBLEM TWENTY-EIGHT: THE FUEL ROD CANNON

Indeed! The fuel rod cannon! It's like the BFG in Doom went on steroids and had an illegitimate bastard child with a tank turret. The only difference being that the BFG had only a few rounds, compared to that of the enormous clip on the cannon or the naturally regrowing rounds that occur in hunters. People complain that it's unrealistic, as hunter's should not be able to grow ammunition. Well of course they can!
Speaking of complaints, I was VERY amused to see the controversy over Dante's Inferno because the trailer didn't show "actual gameplay". To be honest when I saw the commercial during the Super Bowl (Saints suck by the way) I had only one thought.

'Man, I don't think I'd jump through that many hoops to get screwed.'

But back on track! The fuel rod cannon is a portable doom laser, designed with the single purpose of blowing the crap out of every moving object in existence. This goes double for the hunter's in Halo 2, which spent of great deal of their time firing giant beams of death at anything that got in their way, including several Brutes, Jackals, and Saturn. The Prophet's designed the Fuel Rod cannons personally, using Truth's desktop computer (yes, he has one NOT attached to his chair). This computer resembled the Monolith from 2001, being constructed from magical obsidian by dwarves from Middle-Earth. So great was it that Truth would never actually use the thing, plus the fact that it was still unable to play Crysis with shadows on. It was mainly developed as an alternative weapon after the infamous "Taming of the Hunters". This incident was recorded by Staff Commander Benjamin Dover.

(A Covenant ship has landed on the hunter homeworld, and several troops deploy)

Elite Commander: This land is strangeChung-pie! Scout over that hill!

Grunt: Yes sir!

(The Grunt waddles up over the hill and onto the other side)
Commander: I wonder how long he'll b-

Grunt: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!
(The grunt is catapulted up from the other side, spontaneously combusting and exiting the planet's atmosphere. As it leaves orbit, it is impacted by several meteors and it smashes through the solar panel of a DirecTV satellite. It then hits the sun, causing a solar flare to ignite)

Commander: Well then...Douchnazzle! Investigate!

Grunt: BUT I'M SCARED!

Commander: GO!

(The Elite picks up the grunt, posing like Eli Manning. He then tosses the grunt over the hill, with a spiral. There is a loud crash and dirt flies up over the hill before falling)

Advisor: Commander I don't think that was nec-

Grunt: AHHHHH!!!

(The grunt rockets over the covenant forces with a smoke trail behind him, hitting a neighboring mountain range. Apparently he has been launched out of a stinger launcher)

Commander: That's it! Troops, attack!

(The entire Covenant force runs over the hill)

Grunt Voice: Retreat!

(The mangled remains of the army run back screaming, followed by a herd of thousands of stampeding hunters. So many that the entire ordeal was filmed from the Hubble telescope and using CGI effects all the hunters were replaced as horses in the battle in Lord of the Rings: Return of the King)

(Meanwhile, in the giant hunter doom fortress, the hunter overlord chuckles to himself)

Akio Toyoda: That will show those Canadians.

The conflict over Te (Yes, the planet was named Te) was ended when the Covenant fleet successfully destroyed the Gundams defending the world and threatened the inhabitants with orbital bombardment. Though the hunters were not entirely "tamed" as they became very prone to "accidental" brutal maulings of other Covenant species (except of course, the Elites). The Prophets were both impressed, and disappointed. Though the creatures were immensely powerful and strong. Their weaponry consisted of large driver clubs, enormous spatulas, and canoes brandished as swords. Added to the fact that the nearly impenetrable armor they originally used turned out to be constructed entirely of priceless Forerunner artifacts. In the most embarrassing of these escapades, an entire brigade of the creatures wearing the armor was stripped down and the pieces were reassembled. The result was an enormous statue of Mickey Mouse and Pluto, which are now worshipped by the Covenant as demigods. The hunters themselves kept to themselves, fearing a recall by Toyota (the equivalent to Hell in their religion).
So the Prophet's originally armed them with plasma rifles, the result being that hunters just kept crushing them and spilling white hot plasma over the allies below them. Of course, "allies below them" was limited to EVERY SINGLE COVENANT SPECIES. The Brutes, already tormented by exploding Ewoks and Chuck E. Cheese, not had to endure a hunter occasionally sharting plasma all over them for no apparent reason. The Prophets considered letting the creatures dual-wield the weapons, but after ¾ of the Covenant threatened to secede if this happened, decided to arm them with needlers. Needless to say this failed also, as the hunters could not comprehend "controlled fire". It literally did not have a translation.

So after the failed "Dire Walrus Club" they decided to create a new weapon, mainly painting the BFG a different color and giving it extreme killing properties. At first it was somewhat of a mortar launcher, though this led to disastrous results.

Grunt: What a great day!

Grunt 2: Indeed!

Grunt: (pointing up) Is that rain?

Grunt 2: Chocolate Rain?

Grunt: I don't think so.

Grunt 2: Hey! It's glowing!

Grunt: Maybe if it hits us we'll get super powers!

Grunt 2: Like Spiderman!

Grunt: Or the Hulk!

Grunt 2: Or Like Mike!

Grunt: What?

(boom)

So they gave them an "assault variant" which instead of randomly lobbing mortars, allowed them to randomly fire beams. It was like a bad flash "Shoop da Whoop" film, only with less plot and lasers firing everywhere.

Naturally the Prophets gave themselves a pat on the back, and leveled up their shamans.

Now for the official facts!

The design of the Fuel Rod Gun is very unique, more akin to a large ornament then a deadly weapon; the barrel of the weapon is long and black covered by thick gold plates that make up the body of the weapon; the ammunition is loaded on the top aft section of the Fuel Rod Gun, and can hold 5 ballistic projectiles, which seem to be held together by straps, before needing to be reloaded. Because of the weapon's visibility it is just as effective as a psychological weapon.

Of course! Why wouldn't you decorate a gun? Perhaps it would be effective if the UNSC made the rocket launchers in a manner similar to this. Perhaps gluing on a dorsal fin, some pectoral fins, and drawing big sharp jaws on the front. That's distracting! Like cat food in District 9 (I still haven't figured that out. I'm guessing they were Covenant at some point)

The Covenant Fuel Rod Gun fires an unknown type of incendiary gel. Next to nothing is known about this type of ammunition except that when it strikes a target it does so with devastating results. When the Fuel Rod impacts an area, or target, it is instantly subjected to temperatures as hot as standard plasma weapons.

It's not really unknown. To be honest, it's microwaved Snack Pack.

In the context of the Halo games, the Fuel Rods' strength and lethality, are compensated for both the sake of ESRB rating, and gameplay.

Of course, similar to how they took out everything else from the Halo games. Though you can still see some evidence of this, as you can clearly see Truth's WoW gaming keyboard when his chair spins around in Halo 2. Or when it's impossible to miss the Brute chieftain juggling children in the background of Halo 3.

Bottom Line: Censorship sucks balls.

Also! Because I'm successfully juggling both the FF Community AND the Bungie community, I have decided that the next two chapters will once again (sucks in breath) be Question and Answer.

So go ahead! Review, e-mail, phone, carrier pigeon, beam, catapult, or air mail your question! You will have around two weeks to ask as I will need time to make u-...discover the answers that you are seeking.

TUNE IN TO OUR NEXT CHAPTER: GENERAL COVENANT IDIOCRACY: You'll lose IQ points!

  • 02.15.2010 3:52 PM PDT
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So then.
Any questions?

  • 02.16.2010 1:35 PM PDT

Do you not think the thread has run its course by now? Maybe you should start something new, because it just seems like you're milking this idea.

  • 02.16.2010 1:39 PM PDT
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Posted by: Wolverfrog
Do you not think the thread has run its course by now? Maybe you should start something new, because it just seems like you're milking this idea.

Eh-I actually have several different projects running on FF.net.
This is simply the only one that's on Bungie =P

  • 02.16.2010 2:36 PM PDT
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Do not waste your tears, I was not born to watch the world grow dim. Life is not measured in years, but by the deeds of men.

Posted by: goldhawk
We should know better, because we are better.

Posted by: Wolverfrog
Do you not think the thread has run its course by now? Maybe you should start something new, because it just seems like you're milking this idea.
Silence! This is the only thing on Bungie that makes me rofl since the "Try to beat this Epicness" thread was closed!

  • 03.04.2010 5:11 PM PDT

furries ftw

So true lolololol!

  • 03.04.2010 10:02 PM PDT

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