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Look, a NEW chapter!
PROBLEM TWENTY-SEVEN: GRAVITY HAMMERS
Stop! Hammer time! Now that we've got that obvious joke out of the way, it's time to deal with the Skull Slammers, the Meat Mashers, the Orphanage Obliterators, the Cripple Crushers, the Gravity Hammer. Perhaps the largest and most unwieldy weapon in the galaxy's history, the hammer was proposed during the Second Norris Tribunal onboard High Charity.
Truth: We're going to deal with this issue head on!
Elite Commander: But how? We already sent assassins to try to kill him. His doors didn't even have locks, there was just a sign that said "I accept all challengers".
Mercy: We have analyzed the great enemy quite thoroughly, mainly by watching several seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger.
Regret: By looking at the "credits", we have gathered the names of all those who may know his weaknesses. We shall interrogate them immediately.
(The thousands of Covenant in the audience mumble approvingly)
Commander: My lords! Those aren't credits! They're casualties!
(Alarmed murmurs begin in the audience)
Truth: Quiet worms! We are developing a new weapon for our troops!
Grunt: A new weapon?!?
Truth: Yes.
(The audience cheers)
Mercy: For the Brutes.
(The audience screams in terror, and begins to flee the
Tribunal. The Brutes, with natural mole whacking instincts beginning, grab every available object. Including desks, chairs, Banshees, guns, staplers, kittens, LOLbats, tangelos, fiddle faddles, and hooly hoops, and begin beating random
members of society)
Truth: Order.ORDER!!!
(Mercy throws a strange looking grenade at a brute officer,
upon detonation his head turns blue and grows a large Mohawk)
Brute: ARRGHH! WAGGA-WAGGA!
(The brute runs blindly, his Mohawk flowing in the wind, and slams into a large statue, (its holiness rating equivalent to that of the rock in Mecca) shattering it)
Mercy: Do something you idiot!
Commander: By the power of Greyskull!
(The commander dives into the crowd, but there is suddenly a bright light in the middle of the room)
Mercy: What now?
(Chuck Norris appears in the middle of the crowd, which gasps)
Grunt: (while crapping out enough bricks to build the Pyramids of Giza) IT'S HIM!!
(Chuck Norris begins plowing through the crowd, resembling Sauron in the beginning of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring)
Regret: We're doomed.
Truth: SILENCE! There must be a way to kill it!
Chuck Norris: I HAVE DEVOURED A METEOR SHOWER! NOW I WILL -blam!- THE APOCALYPSE! (he dives into a crowd of fleeing Elites)
Mercy: Yeah, kill THAT.
(Chuck glares at a grunt, whose head spontaneously combusts)
Truth: (sighs) Its only a matter of time until he divides by zero and destroys the whole ship.
Regret: This is stupid! (storming off into another room) I'm gonna go watch Shark Week! THIS SHIP IS A PRISON! (slams door)
Mercy: Do you think he'll let us go?
Chuck Norris: I WAS BORN IN A LOG CABIN I BUILT WITH MY BARE HANDS!
Truth: I don't think we'll survive.
Chuck Norris left after devouring a measly thirteen billion souls, as he wasn't in the mood for a large snack. The prophets fled with their personal ship drivers (Lady Diane's chauffer, Chris Brown, and Leeroy Jenkins) and continued their plans. So even though the hammer wasn't immediately accepted by the Covenant as a whole, the brutes were delighted. So delighted, that they didn't even bother to wonder what on earth a LOLbat was. Ha! Even as I write this my girlfriend is reading over my shoulder and giving me the evil eye, obviously jealous because she has no idea what a LOLbat is either! When she said that she wanted to be around no matter what I was doing, she had NO IDEA what she was getting in to!
Bottom Line: Fear the LOLbat.
Anyways, the hammer was designed to be a brute weapon. Heavy, slow, powerful, and not making any sense. I mean, how many Brutes actually get close enough to actually use this thing? Even if they do, there is a 900% chance that 60% of their allies will die 74% of the time. They attempted an instructional video, which did not achieve much.
Elite on video: First you do this! STOP! Double-take three times! One two three! Then pelvic thrust! Whoo, woohoohoo! Stop on your right foot. DON'T FORGET IT! Then, bring it around town
The video was cancelled following a lawsuit, so they needed intense training instead, such as this example:
Instructor: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball!
(A metal spanner flies across a field and hits a brute
directly in the testicles)
Wait, that's the wrong example. Here we are!
Grunt Instructor: Now, to call your gravity hammer, hold your hands above it.
(The brute follows suit)
Instructor: No say, in a strong voice, "up".
Brute: Yarp.
Instructor: No, say: up.
Brute: Naaarp?
Instructor: Say up.
Brute: Durf.
(The brute then smiles with glazed over eyes, the grunt sniffs the air)
Instructor: That is DISGUSTING!
(The back of the brute's pants move slightly)
Instructor: (eyes widening) What was that?!?
(The brute's pants are torn open, and a creature that looks like it was rejected from Starship Troopers for being too horrible emerges. It has razor sharp teeth, six arms, two legs, and large spins all over its back. It roars and runs into a vent.)
Instructor: WHAT THE FLOOD WAS THAT?!?
Brute: I poops out Carnifex.
If you don't know what a Carnifex is, look it up, they're horrible. So this plan failed miserably, just because A) Brutes are morons and B) They had to use a grunt instructor, as an Elite instructor would cause feuds. The second day did not go so well either, as they tried to use an elite.
Elite Instructor: Now take the hammer, and firmly grasp it in your hand.
(the brute picks it up, the drops it)
Instructor: (putting the weapon back in his hand) Firmly grasp it.
(It falls again)
Instructor: FIRMLY GRAPS IT!
(Before the Elite can ram the handle through the brute's hand, several Dead Space-esque tentacles shoot out of the vents and grab the elite)
Elite: What's happening?!?
Brute: (smiling) Carnifex evolve into C'thulu overnight, he angry.
To shorten the disturbing amounts of stories I could tell, the Brutes basically received no training. So instead of Derek Jeter precise swings, it looked more like a sugar-high seven year-old with tourettes trying to hit a piñata blindfolded and drunk. The brute's failed miserably, having the mental comprehension of a four-year old trying to make out the plot of Brothers Grimm the movie.
Now for the official facts!
The Gravity Hammer is devastating in close quarter combat, capable of smashing vehicles away, and bouncing explosives away from the wielder of the hammer. The Gravity Hammer's attack is an instant kill on any target at point blank range (unless damage resistance or shields have been modified or if the target deflects the blow with an Energy Sword). The Hammer creates a small blue and white shock-wave that expands from the center of the hammer's head, shaking the perspective of players nearby.
It's a giant overpowered club. If they were REALLY smart, the prophets could've given them some giant trees to beat enemies with. I mean, it would be cost effective! Maybe some really massive trees, I'm talking ones that blot out the sun. A tree from Avatar's Pandora would do nicely. (Yes, the movie was Space Pocahontas, but it was AWESOME)
The Hammer also hurls targets backwards if it connects, often sending them incredibly far. In addition, rockets shot at the wielder can be knocked away if the attack is timed well.
Bad idea.
Brute: I am a Jedi!
(a rocket is flying towards the Brute)
Brute: I can deflect it with my powers!
(boom)
It should be noted that taking out a Hammer in the midst of a Grunt pack will cause them to immediately panic.
Can you BLAME them? I'd panic too if some seven foot tall armored commando whipped out a tard basher! Sometimes I truly feel sorry for Grunts
Well then...
Tune in to our next chapter: FUEL ROD CANNONS: This is a BIG issue!