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This topic has moved here: Subject: [Story] Losing Everything. ~ Chapter 4 Now up
  • Subject: [Story] Losing Everything. ~ Chapter 4 Now up
Subject: [Story] Losing Everything. ~ Chapter 4 Now up
  • gamertag: vrbtny
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T.O.A.S.T stands for: Totally. Over. Analyzing. Short. Trailers.

Formally the Spartan that never officially existed.

2541

Prologue
It's amazing how much can change..... so quickly...... only 24 hours ago this place would have been a bustling.... Now look at it. I think as I trudge down a rain soaked street lined with human corpses. 24 hours.... that was all it took for the Covenant to destroy everything I knew. 24 hours.... everything gone. 24 hours was all it took the Covenant to take control of the city of amstrad.
They had massacred everyone.... everyone in the orphanage.... everyone in the city.... they just took them into the streets and executed them. Lined them up and let the ones with energy shields eat them alive. I had watched them do it... had to hear the screaming.... had to hear the humans beg for mercy.



I only escaped them out of sheer luck.... apparently the big bear like aliens don't know the human habit of hiding under the bed when frightened. But was I glad I had survived?... it was only a matter of time before they found me.... I was alone in this city..... I didn't even know a way off chancetti... even if I did survive..... what would I do? Everything I knew had been destroyed. I had no family to go too. I was Truly alone.

NG..... I'm not alone in this city. That was a human explosion... which meant friendlies. I registered this fact and then started to run towards the explosion. I tried not to look at the human remains that were scattered all over the street but couldn't help but get the souls of my shoes sticky with congealed human blood.
I was running flat out now, flying towards the sound of a battle. Obviously the Marine battalion hadn't been annihilated and was putting up one hell of a fight. The road took a sudden turn ahead. I raced up to the turn and ran round it not thinking about what could be on the other side. I realized my mistake when I rounded the corner only to see a pack of the small aliens with air tanks were occupying the road.

Standing in the middle of the road I was completely visible to the aliens. I looked round desperately trying to find a place to hide. On my left was a solid concrete wall but on my right was a tall block of flats with the entry door burned of its hinges. Quietly I started shuffling my way towards the open door. Apart from having to walk over a half eaten human corpse I made it to the door unnoticed. Just as I was entering the building, one of the half destroyed hinges fell to the ground. I dived into the building hoping the aliens wouldn't notice.
Outside one of the Grunts jolted his head at the sound of the metal hinge hitting the ground.


[Edited on 12.17.2009 5:37 AM PST]

  • 12.15.2009 3:06 PM PDT
Subject: [Story] The Spartan that never officially existed.

Zombie? What are you!? Racist? Its called "living impaired" you idiot!

Ooooooooo, impressive.

  • 12.15.2009 5:01 PM PDT

¡Hoka Hey!

Yeah, Good Work!!!

  • 12.15.2009 5:28 PM PDT

This is quite good, although I'd think writing in present tense would have a better effect

  • 12.15.2009 5:44 PM PDT
Subject: [Story] The Spartan that never officially existed. ~ Chapter 2 Now up
  • gamertag: vrbtny
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T.O.A.S.T stands for: Totally. Over. Analyzing. Short. Trailers.

OKay, second chapter now up. Mega update 1,600 words.

Slight change in tense after advice. Introducing my OC. possible relationship.... or not.



Chapter 1


I landed on the hard concrete in a heap after diving into the doorway. I paused to catch my breath before scrambling to stand up. Outside, to my relief the squad of aliens had not moved. Sighing I relaxed and started trying to work a round this slight inconvenience.


A lone grunt broke away from the group and started rambling towards the building I was hiding in. 'crap'. I looked around the place I was hiding in. It was obviously the reception for this block of flats. There were several human bodies lying around bathed in their own blood. I didn't even feel nauseous I had seen so many bodies recently I had got used to the sight. Unlike the first time I saw a corpse.... I had thrown up on the spot then. The room looked like a normal reception room with a desk and some chairs. But I also saw a flight of stairs labeled Stairs for floor 1,2,3,4,5,6. I decided it was my best hope of hiding and ran over to it. The stairs were covered in Red blood.... Human blood. This had a annoying effect of making the stairs really slippery causing me to slip over a few times. I reached the first floor and waited catching my breath. A loud clacking noise came up the stairs. Guess they must have hard feat. Now I started to panic, My only option was to carry on going up... so that's what I did. But now I went quietly creeping slowly. I managed to make it to the stairs for the second floor and was starting to creep up them when the little alien appeared down the corridor.


It squealed and raised a strange G shaped device at me. I Bolted up the stairs leaving the alien standing in the corridor. It set off in hot pursuit because it was just about to start climbing the stairs by the time I had reached the top. I bolted down the closest corridor with the sounds of the small creature scrambling up the stairs. Problem was the closest corridor also happened to be a dead end. 'Crap' I looked round desperately looking for a way out.... there wasn't one..... and now the sounds of the creature climbing the stairs had stopped.... to be replaced by the sound of it quietly walking down the corridor. I dived into the nearest room and fell on something..... That something happened to be a baseball bat. I look at the solid wood. 'Oh what the hell'. Scrambling up I position myself behind the opened door . I could hear the alien make its way down the corridor stopping occasionally..... I guess to look in the rooms. The alien stopped right outside the room and sniffed. I could smell some gas coming from the creature.


It walked slowly into my room holding the G thing out like a gun. I waited for it to move into prime striking distance. It shuffled its feet and turned slightly towards my hiding place. ' Bad Move Buddy' I swung with all my strength and connected with the aliens head with a satisfying CRACK. The alien falls with a little squeak. I look at my handiwork sprawled on the floor. Pleased, I inspect the Baseball bat and find a sizeable dent in the wood. Discarding the now useless bat I bend down and inspect the creature. It's small..... shorter than I am and has pipes all over it. One of these pipes leads from the large tank on its back to a face mask that it wore. I reach out and detach the mask... The creature just dies... Noiselessly..... suffocation I guessed... the mask must feed it something. I cautiously look at the G shaped thing it had been holding. Picking it up I look at it, Strange symbols covered it.... it also had a circle thing on a display. My hands come across a sort of button... it's sort of rubbery... I press the button. Bad choice.... A bolt of something searing green shoots out of it and hits a wall. 'oh so it's a weapon... lucky I wasn't pointing it at me'.


A Scream suddenly came out of nowhere.... It's a high pitched scream that only lasts for a few seconds. I nearly jump out of my skin.... heart nearly fails.... I look around trying to see whoever made it. I hear someone Sobbing. I see the bed and remembering what I did walked over to it. I get down on the floor and look under the bed. Someone was curled up underneath the bed their body jerking as they sobbed. ''Hello'' I say to the person. This gets no response. ''Um I wont hurt you''. Same response. I wait patiently but the person still sobs. I reach out to them and pull them out from under the bed. They are surprisingly light. When the person Is finally out from under the bed I look at them. Her hands covered her face but I could tell it was a girl. She was small.... I guess a bit younger than me and had short blonde hair. I Sit her up and awkwardly rap a arm round her shoulder. I had never been good when it came too girls. ''It's all right i'm not a alien..... I'm not going to hurt you..... I'm 100% human'' I assure her in what I hope is a soft voice. The girl slowly stopped sobbing and peaked at me through her finger. ''You really are'' She asked in a small voice.


''Yes human all the way'' I answer. She slowly takes her hands off her face and I get my first proper look at her. Memories hit hard. ''Vicky?'' I ask slightly disbelievingly.

''Yeah..... wait how do you know my name'' She asks confused.

''Umm.... have I really changed that much'' I ask slightly disappointed.

''You do seem sort of...'' Vicky trailed off thinking. She then snapped her fingers. ''Your Ben.... from primary school''


''Ah good I haven't changed that much'' I say slightly pleased she remembered me.

''I haven't seen you in..... 4 years.. since you...'' She trailed off again. Then jerked away from me.

''What's wrong?'' I ask worried.

''You don't remember what you did to me'' Vicky asked sounding offended.

''Ummm no'' I asked confused.

''The day you got expelled..... remember what it was for?'' Vicky asked. I thought back to those days I would rather forget. I recalled the day I got expelled from school... Mad rampage involving a few broken benches and gates then a...


''Oh yeah...... um I'm sorry about that'' I say sheepishly remembering what I did to her. Vicky lifted the bottom of her shirt up to reveal a large black mark on her belly.

''That was the last time I saw you .... you broke 3 ribs with that punch'' Vicky said rubbing her ribs.

''Christ they never told me that...... sorry'' I said truly sorry. ''We can catch up later but right now we need to get moving'' I say standing up.

''Where are you going'' Vicky asks from the floor.

''We are going to find the friendly forces'' I say offering my hand.


''And where are they'' Vicky asks taking my hand and lifting herself off the floor and standing up. I tower over her she only comes up to my shoulder. ''Umm how tall are you'' She asks looking up at my face.

''5foot 11 at last count......'' I say looking down at her. She looks amazed at that. ''Anyway it's easy to find friendly forces.... you just follow the explosion's...... and now I have some fire power it should be easier'' I say holding the G shape weapon.

''Before we go could I get some stuff'' Vicky asks. I just nod. Vicky heads off into one of the rooms. I walk over to the window and look down at the street. The aliens were still there chatting away in some strange language. I raise the G shaped weapon at the window, I reach out and open the window. I found the grip of the Pistol and the targeting thing.

Pointing at the aliens in the street I try to work out the best plan for taking them out. Deciding to just fire I aimed at the closest alien. I held down the rubbery button that counted as a trigger, expecting automatic fire but instead found that a green blob started growing from the 'muzzle' of the weapon. Recovering from the surprise I re-aimed at the alien and let go of the trigger. I felt the kickback from the fire and watched the enormous glob of blazing green collide with one of the aliens. It exploded..... the alien.... just exploded... in a flash of green the entire squad of aliens was consumed in the explosion.

Then the noise hit my ears..... loudest thing I've heard in a long time... a loud sudden BANG that subsided in seconds. Vicky Screamed from her room and came rushing out half way into some clothes. ''What the friggin Hell was that'' She asks staring at me.


''Oh just a bit of cleaning'' I answered holding up the Pistol.

''Ummm don't that hurt'' She asked looking at my hand.

''What'' I asked confused

''Look at your hand'' Vicky said. I look at my hand.... to find it burnt... black my hand... the skin had been burnt off leaving my hand black and raw. ''Doesn't it hurt'' Vicky asked looking at my hand.


''Umm no'' I say flexing my hand and watching as some burnt skin flaked off. ''It's strange.... I've never felt pain... not in my entire life'' I say. ''You remember at school , Max hit me full on with that stick''

''Yess.... you didn't cry... or swear... or anything.. you just stood there'' Vicky said in a far off voice.

''Yeah well this is why'' I say lifting my hand and looking at her.... only to find myself blushing and looking away. ''You might want to finish getting in those clothes'' I mumble.

''What?'' Vicky asks confused. Then she looked down at her body. ''Whoops''






[Edited on 12.16.2009 4:18 AM PST]

  • 12.15.2009 6:14 PM PDT
Subject: [Story] The Spartan that never officially existed.

¡Hoka Hey!

That Was Fast, Good, Keep Working.

  • 12.15.2009 9:00 PM PDT
Subject: [Story] The Spartan that never officially existed. ~ Chapter 3 Now up
  • gamertag: vrbtny
  • user homepage:

T.O.A.S.T stands for: Totally. Over. Analyzing. Short. Trailers.



Chapter 2

Vicky vanished back into the room that I guess was her bedroom. I looked around the room and spotted the alien.... remembering what I was doing before I found Vicky. I went back to expecting the corpse. It had nothing interesting with it apart from some strange blue balls with a orange buttons on them.... and knowing the G-shape thing was a pistol I guessed they were grenades. The corpse had nothing else on it. Sighing I stood up and looked around the room.... It was a standard flat bedroom with a double bed and some cupboards. In the cupboard was a rather nice leather jacket.... I walked over and extracted it from the cupboard. It was my size and fitted snugly.... Also it had a pack of mint flavoured chewing gum in one of the pockets. I walked over to the mirror and inspected myself. My short black hair was plastered to my head drenched in water.... My shorts were also stuck to my thighs with water as was my shirt.

''I don't think Allen will be to pleased to see you in his jacket'' Vicky said behind me.

''Well he is most welcome to come down here and take it from me'' I say turning round to look at her. ''I preferred your previous style of clothes'' I say cheekily looking at her. She promptly ignored me.

''Are you ready to go now'' She asks slinging a Backpack over her shoulders.

''Sure let's go'' I say drawing myself away from the mirror making my way to the door. Vicky lets out a little squeal when she saw the alien sprawled on the floor. ''It is dead r-right'' She asks clinging onto my arm.

''Yeah check the baseball bat'' I say picking up the back and passing it to her. She looked at the bat a noticed the large dent ''Wow... you do that''

''Duh'' I say in a dumb voice. Suddenly a enormous explosion rocked the room. ''Whoa -blam!- just got serious.... Come on we need to hurry'' I say and walk out of the room. We walk down the corridor quickly, All the doors had been broken or smashed off their hinges. We reach the stairs and climb down them slowly making sure not to slip over on the blood.

''Ewww this is horrible.... and these are my best set of shoes'' Vicky whines as she treads through some congealed blood on the floor. We reach the bottom of the stairs and walk into the corpse ridden reception area.... Vicky promptly vomits at the sight of the half eaten corpses. I watch as she bends over a pukes again.... mixing the blood on the floor with vomit. When she finally finished emptying her stomach I walk over carefully avoiding the Sick/Blood mixture on the floor and wrap my arm round her shoulder. ''Come on we need to move''.

[Edited on 12.16.2009 4:53 AM PST]

  • 12.16.2009 4:44 AM PDT
  • gamertag: vrbtny
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T.O.A.S.T stands for: Totally. Over. Analyzing. Short. Trailers.

Name Change.

Back to what i had originally planned on calling it.


Chapter 3


''I-I-It's horrible'' Vicky murmurs before throwing up again. I carefully avoid the flying vomit.


''You'll get used to it.... Come on'' I say tugging her shoulder.

''Okay..'' Vicky paused getting hear breath back. ''I'm coming''. She stands upright and follows me outside. It's dark now... Only the street lights were providing artificial light. The rains stopped now. ''It's kinda spooky'' Vicky said looking around at the road strewn with destroyed vehicles and burnt bodies.


''You afraid of the dark?'' I ask as we set of down the road towards the sounds of fighting.

''N-No....... it's just I've never seen this road like this before'' Vicky said as she walked over part of a destroyed car. They carried on in silence down the road for awhile, until I asked ''So how did you not get caught''

''Hid under the bed'' Vicky said half-laughing. I chuckle.

''Yeah me too'' I say remembering cowering under the bed watching the feet of assorted aliens move round his bed. ''What happened to your family?'' I ask wondering if they had been killed.


''Oh... their on a parents holiday.... lucky... I suppose'' Vicky said thinking.

''What about Allen?'' I ask wondering were Vicky's older brother was.


''He's of at military academy on Reach'' Vicky said bitterly. ''He signed up for the Marines........... anyway... that's enough stuff about me.... What you been doing in this 4 years....'' Vicky asked looking at me sideways.


''Not much.... didn't go to secondary school... Wasn't aloud to after I broke that civilian services guys arm'' I said thinking back.

''Seriously.... How'' Vicky asked stepping round a destroyed alien vehicles.

''He was trying to give me a injection of something..... to do with my problems......Anyway I wasn't going to let them stick a needle into me..... So I grabbed his arm and squeezed... and it just broke..... With a loud CRACK'' I say remembering the jolt go up my arm.

''Wow you really that strong'' She asked.

''Not really.... well they always said I was strong.... at the orphanage.... Something about not knowing my own strength'' I said remembering when I had pushed another kid...instead of just being scared off, the boy had flew across the room and slammed into a wall... he hadn't come round for 3 hours after that.

Before Vicky could say anything I flung up my hand in a stop sign. I had spotted a small shop on the corner that looked undamaged. ''Wait here'' I say before walking over to the shop. The door was locked... I look around and find a bit of pipe. ''Umm isn't that breaking and entering'' Vicky asks when she sees me pick up the pipe and aim at the door.

''Well the police can come and arrest me'' I say before swinging the pipe at the door.... the Glass door shatters revealing the interior of the shop. I enter the shop and start collecting stuff.

5 minutes later I exit the shop with a backpack bursting with items.

''What's in there'' Vicky asks.

''Just some supplies.......come on sounds like the soldiers are in trouble'' I say as a explosion rocks the city. ''Sounds like we are close'' With that we set off towards the sounds of battle.

''They must be in the square'' Vicky concludes as another explosion sounds out.

''What makes you say that'' I ask hefting the backpack into a more comfortable position.

''Nothing else is in that direction'' Vicky points out. I just grunt and carry on walking. The roads now showed recent signs of battle, with scorching on the road, the vehicles were still on fire and the bodies looked fresh. To my reassurance most of the bodies were alien.... with only a couple of humans ones.... that were riddles with large holes.

''Um is it me.... or has the fighting stopped'' Vicky asked into the noticeable silence. There were no longer sounds of explosions and weapons fire.

''Yeah it has...... someone must have won....... let's hope it's are side'' I say walking past several bodies of the small aliens with tanks on their backs.

''Well we will find out in a minute... we're nearly there'' Vicky said tensely. We walked towards the turning that opened into the main square in amstrad. I readied my acquired pistol and turned the corner. I couldn't see much only Smoke....... then some large bulbous purple things appear though the cloud...... or what used to be.... They were only shells now, smoking large amounts of black smoke. The next thing I noticed was the bodies... at least 500 bodies were there.... nearly all alien, only a few humans. The square was large... about 2 football pitches I guess and was littered with bodies and shells of vehicles. Then some figures loomed out of the shadows about 50 metres away.

  • 12.17.2009 4:08 AM PDT
Subject: [Story] Loosing Everything. ~ Chapter 4 Now up

Ease up on the elapses. You're using '...' far too much.

And 'Loosing Everything'? You mean 'Losing Everything'?

Also, you're often forgetting to use full stops and commas after a person has spoken.

EG - "I see two Brutes up ahead" Jim said.

Would become...

"I see two Brutes up ahead," Jim said.

And if you didn't have a sentence after the speech, it would be...

"I see two Brutes up ahead."

And I noticed you lapsing into the present tense often. For example, you're saying "Yeah it has...... someone must have won....... let's hope it's are side" I say walking past several bodies of the small aliens with tanks on their backs.

You're writing the rest of the story in the past tense. So rather than 'say', it should be 'said'. Rather than 'concludes', it should be 'concluded.'

Keep what I said in mind, and your writing will improve marginally.

[Edited on 12.17.2009 5:13 AM PST]

  • 12.17.2009 5:12 AM PDT
  • gamertag: vrbtny
  • user homepage:

T.O.A.S.T stands for: Totally. Over. Analyzing. Short. Trailers.

Yeah well i wrote this when i was 12 years old so...

I'll go back and edit it some when.

  • 12.17.2009 5:17 AM PDT

Posted by: vrbtny
Yeah well i wrote this when i was 12 years old so...

I'll go back and edit it some when.


Understandable, but you shouldn't post it then unless you're happy with it. Edit further parts before you post them.

  • 12.17.2009 5:18 AM PDT