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This topic has moved here: Subject: [STORY] Minora Sota - Prologue-Part 3 is up! ~18/12
  • Subject: [STORY] Minora Sota - Prologue-Part 3 is up! ~18/12
Subject: [STORY] Minora Sota - Prologue-Part 3 is up! ~18/12

Prologue

Jacob leapt for cover as three bursts of plasma passed overhead. He tore off his helmet, his visor crippled from the close discharge of plasma rounds. He observed it; bubbles rose from a small puddle of molten metal resting on the upper most part of his helm. A formation of banshees arced overhead; leaving Jacob to the three brutes. Bringing his M7/CSG up Jacob obtained a stance to which he could leap from. Another banshee slowly glided not 120ft above Jacob; he was nervous now, his first mission was going to hell fast! Small fires lit up the heavy cloud cover overhead, a slight crack and a group of drop pods rained down from the sky and collided with the banshee; tearing it's body from the wings. Two pods landed 30 ft from Jacob, the others behind his cover; coupling the sound of an impact and shrieks from the brutes. Jacob exited his cover and brought up his SMG, aiming down his sights. Five more drop pods lay a meter underground, one of which had crushed two brutes, the other only one.
There was a subtle hissing followed by crack as one seal of a drop pod was flung open.
"Told you we had your back rookie!" cackled the ODST.
He climbed up the bank and patted Jacob's back. Bammy is what they called him since no one knew his real name, his short, spiked blonde hair and dark brown eyes contrasted each other. He was 6'4" and was very muscular with the broadest shoulders Jacob had seen in a human.
"I never thought you'd pull off something that drastic!" Jacob replied.
Another four drop pod lids hissed and popped open, three men and one woman stumbled out.
"That's Kendra on the far left,' whispered Bammy,' don't give her strife, she's got a pair of balls and I'm guessing from Tristan" Bammy laughed as he pointed to a much smaller ODST clambering around the field looking bedazzled, another ODST grabbed his arm and handed him his gun in a swift and powerful motion.
"He's Arthur, worse than Kendra I'd say,' Bammy paused as Arthur tilted his head in their direction,'don't mess with him, got a real short fuse" Bammy expanded his clenched fist as to symbolise an explosion.
"Squad,' yelled the last remaining ODST,'help our teammates out of their pods!" It was clear he was the leader.
Jacob had seemed to have forgotten about the other two pods that landed near him. Arthur jogged slowly to the first pod and slammed the stock of his weapon into the glass.
"Arthur,' screamed the leader,'don't be f****** around!"
Arthur abruptly turned and cocked his head at the lead ODST, then turned to Jacob and Bammy.
"Get over here you 'tards!" with a quick nod in the direction of the pod.
Bammy trotted over while Jacob hesitantly made a few strides over to Arthurs position, his last movement being a lunge to the side of Bammy.
Jacob leaned over to get a word to Bammy but he shook his head, warning Jacob of the repurcussions.
Arthur grasped Jacob's arm firmly and flung him over to the pod and then stared at Bammy till the two ODST's were in position.
Jacob grasped the pod, turned expecting some kind of countdown but Bammy just tugged at his one side. Arthur brought up his foot and slammed Jacob into the pod.
"Hop to it rookie!"
Jacob timed his tugs with Bammy, upon the fifth tug they had torn off the bolts and the lid had fallen to the ground. A limp body fell upon Jacob, knocking him to the ground. Jacob gasped, his breathe leaving him. Arthur threw the body off Jacob and prompted Bammy to help him up. They stood over the body, Jacob had noticed he was number 11 in the squad, so where were the rest?
"Arthur, this one's out,' Yelled the leader from the other pod,'how 'bout yours?"
Arthur nudged the body with his boot.
"Yeah, this one too!"
A voice crackled on the radio.
"Status Gamma team"
"Two down" Reported the leader.
"The rookie pissed himself too!" added Arthur.
Bammy shook his head and turned to rendezvous with the three other ODST's.
Jacob found that Tristan had almost thrown up at the blood shed from the injured soldier, Arthur deemed them both to be dead soon. Bammy picked up Tristan's gun and handed it to him, whispering something in his ear; Tristan snickered and eyed Arthur who had gestured a slit of the throat to Tristan.
Tristan continued laughing, Arthur had advanced on his and bammy's position whilst Kendra and the squad leader were on alert. Suddenly they stopped, observing the field, then out of no where plasma bombardments impacted near their position; they dodged and weaved through burning wreckage's and cover reaching the other three's position. Jacob had bunkered down behind the remains of a covenant seraph from the previous battle and continued to go unnoticed to the wraith bombarding his teammates. Kendra let out a warcry, pulled up a spartan laser and shot at the wraith's. One wraith glowed a luminous blue and blew apart, whilst the other wraith's turret lay down suppressive fire on Jacob's teammates. Jacob readied himself to sprint down the field and take cover behind a large boulder. He leapt over the seraph remains and stared as a giant blue sun illuminated the field and grew bigger and bigger. He merely stood there in awe, his teammates screaming at him. He stared into the sun, burning into his retinas, and that was all he could see.

~End part 1

~Part 2

Jacob slid down the other side of the seraph, pulled out his Automag and fired four shots at the brute manning the turret; it slumped over, purple blood oozing out.
"Lucky shot rookie!" yelled Arthur in the background.
Jacob shoved himself into the boulder as another blue fireball impacted nearby. He felt a burning sensation on his back and realised it had been melted by the previous strike. He tore off his back armor and pack; flesh, metal and rubber fused, peeling off his back leaving a layer of gore.
"Ahhh" screamed Jacob.
Bammy and Tristan winced while the lead ODST lunged to help but was stopped by Arthur. A mortar strike impacted not two meters from their position.
Jacob ignored the pain and armed a grenade, throwing it blindly over his cover, it exploded and blue metal was flung in all directions. Jacob scrambled to his feet and rested on a small ledge on the boulder. his grenade had jammed itself in a gap between the hull of the wraith and the cockpits lid, it had blown of the lid and blown a chunk out of the brute's head.

Jacob fell off the ledge and leaned against the rock.
"You did good rookie" called the captain.
He signaled Bammy and Tristan to help him up, leaving Arthur and Kendra to themselves.
"No office romances you two" yelled the captain.
"I wouldn't exactly call this an office!" replied Kendra.

Bammy lifted Jacob up by his arms while Tristan stood sheepishly working his way around to Jacob's back. Tristan screeched and leapt back form Jacob, the captain went to observe the gory mess.
"You're not going to be able to fight son, you've had some heavy s*** hit you!"
Exclaimed the captain.
"I'll carry you Jacob, 'k?" offered Bammy.
Jacob shook his head but doubled over and threw up blood.
"Sir, we'll need to treat his injury's now or he might bleed out"
The captain turned to Bammy and nodded, Bammy started dressing Jacob's wounds.
"Stop it hurts!" yelled Jacob.
Bammy sedated Jacob and continued to tend to his wounds.
"Will he make it,' asked the captain, who then turned to Tristan ,' get your s*** together and go and tell those two we're oscar mike!"
Tristan jogged unsteadily towards Kendra and Arthur, both giving him the eye as he approached.
Bammy had laid Jacob over his shoulder, his feet reaching Bammy's waist. Bammy had no trouble what-so-ever moving with Jacob on his shoulders, it was like another pack to him.
"F****** freak!" whispered Arthur to Kendra.
Bammy heard this but chose to ignore it. They had been walking for fifteen minutes until they saw a military station in the distance; vehicles assembling on one side, soldiers on the other. The squad now moved faster, hoping to approach the base before enemy units could spot them. The sun was setting, the sky darkened and the clouds parted, the squad was now only a few hundred meters from the base when they had opened fire. Bullets sputtered upon impact of the ground, kicking up the red-brown dirt. Explosions sounded behind them, they turned, pelicans and hawks had opened fire, carpet bombing and firing 50-cals.
Bammy sprinted to the nearest ditch, the captain and Tristan followed closely.
"Why in god's name are they firing at us!" yelled the captain.
Bammy gave a quick shrug and then started looking around frantically.
"what?" asked the captain.
"Kendra!" cried Tristan.
Bammy and the captain turned to see Kendra's limp body resting in Arthur's arms; his forehead against hers, face frozen in a heart broken position, tears welled at the corner of his eyes, his teeth clenched... he then let out a roar.
The captain climbed out the ditch and lunged toward Arthur. A gun sounded and a single round pierced Arthur's body, tearing through both him and Kendra. Their bodies slumped to the ground, blood pooled around them, their expressions lingered; heart broken lovers.
The captain slid to a halt, pivoted on his right foot and then sprinted to the cover, diving in and dodging a round from a sniper.
"No!" cried Tristan, tears rolled down his angelic cheeks.
No one thought it possible that the two strongest, bravest soldiers had died in such a cowardice way. They all lay there in silence, staring at each other.
Jacob let out a gasp, all heads turned to him. He had come to at such a bad time. But the squad needed every man they had.

~End part 2

[Edited on 12.21.2009 3:35 AM PST]

  • 12.16.2009 1:55 PM PDT
Subject: [STORY] Minora Sota - Prologue-Part 3a is up! ~18/12

Jacob was in a state of trepidation; his ears rang from nearby explosions, dirt was kicked into his eyes, his back was torn and shredded, liquid metal had fused with his skin.
Bammy rested Jacob near an overhanging rock; it provided cover overhead.
"Bammy where am I?"
Bammy turned towards Jacob and maneuvered the 4ft wide ditch, crouching so as to not give the snipers a chance to hit.
"Don't get-" Bammy whispered before an explosion impacted merely 2 meters from their position.
"S*** they're getting close!" yelled Bammy.
Four more sniper shots sounded; dirt clouds lingered above the ditch.
"Wait, where are they?" Jacob said quizzically.
"Who?" Bammy asked.
Jacob's head tilted sideways; he was losing consciousness again.
Bammy slapped Jacob either side of his face; it was useless, he was out for another good 20 minutes.
"Bammy, we're going to have to move, they're closing in on foot and in troop hogs. Make a dash for that foliage!" the captain pointed to a small group of scattered bushes and trees.
"I'll go first, Tristan second and Bammy last,' the captain turned and looked Bammy in the eyes,' we're leaving him!"
Bammy gave a reluctant nod; he knew it wasn't right but maybe if the enemy had thought they were gone then Jacob could make an escape. Two more sniper rounds threw clouds of dirt up; providing ample temporary cover. The captain laid his gun in it's holster and readied himself to sprint. He threw himself forward and move his legs as fast as he could.

*

Arden had setup his sniper atop the bases garage, away from the other sniper units. Bravo team had radioed in about a small team of five insurrectionists that were headed their way. They had little time to kill them; covenant forces were rallying north of their point and were headed to a large town named Meihra, and this base was in between that. Why they would assault such a small, unimportant place was unbeknownst to Arden. anyway, he had to get back to the job at hand, no need to worry about the little details.
Although the risk was high, but so was the pay.
Arden shook himself out of his thought process; daydreaming was the worst thing one could do in this situation.

Fifteen minutes had passed and no one had spotted anything. Arden looked through his scope once more; he observed birds hovering a fluttering in a playful manner, predators stalking small prey, four figures on the horizon, one with inhumanely broad shoulders. That was it! He aimed back at those four figures, he observed them once more; the last figure was not broad shouldered but was carrying something, possibly another person.
Arden called out his findings and suddenly the base was alive; soldiers moving to and fro, vehicles assembling, weapon checks. Arden stayed stationed on the garage; he awaited the order to open fire.
Another three minutes and it was beginning to get dark, the setting sun had shot brilliant rays of gold across the sky; illuminating the clouds, giving an almost heavenly feel to such a war torn and dread filled planet. The five figures were now clearly visible, being only a few hundred meters away. A muffled vice called to open fire; Arden reacted within a split second, finger on the trigger, a single shot hit near the middle figure's legs. Arden watched as three of them danced around and panicked frantically, the other two stood still. Arden skipped them and went for the others running for cover. another two shots fired in rapid succession. The three had already reached a ditch.
"Lucky bas*****!" thought Arden to himself.
He was merely playing with them though; he loved to tease his prey before he sunk his teeth into them.
The other two were not worried about being shot; they started walking to the ditch. Arden was disappointed; they weren't playing with him. He targeted the on farthest right who was closest to the ditch, and pulled the trigger. The wind picked up and the bullet moved to the left. It missed Arden's original target but had pierced the other's chest. He watched as one turned to the other, their actions more jagged and frantic. His target was cradled in the others arms. A distant roar of emotion echoed over the plateau. His prey was now clay in his hands; his to mold and minipulate to his will. Another figure had made it's way out of the ditch and moved towards the others. Arden couldn't let them get away this time. He fired off another shot; it tore through both his previous vitctim and his new one. The third figure now pivoted and leaped back into cover.
"Damn!" gasped Arden.
He steadied his rifle and waited for their next appearance.
A few minutes had passed and there was no site of them. Arden fired off two shots into the sand near the ditch; still nothing. Arden knew they were still there; the base had pelicans and hawks searching the area.
Arden pulled out a flask and unscrewed the cap; he was about to take a sip when a figure had sprinted from the cover. He instantly reacted, throwing down the flask, gripping the trigger and fired off a round. It missed but he tracked his target again. Another shot fired. This time it tore through the figures back leg; it crawled and clawed at the sand, still attempting to reach the foliage, only a meter to go. Arden pulled the trigger; the figure collapsed, chunks of brain and flesh were flung around. It was left in a pool of crimson-red blood. Arden loaded another clip and prepared himself for his next victim.

~End part 3

[Edited on 12.21.2009 3:34 AM PST]

  • 12.16.2009 9:42 PM PDT
Subject: [Story] Minora Sota - Prologue-(part 1 of 3) ~16/12

Seems pretty generic. The actual writing is good (although you could use a few more spaces), but the premise is boring and overdone.

I suggest you do something original. Take a look at one of the shadier parts of the Halo universe and build upon it. People enjoy reading things they haven't previously read about.

  • 12.17.2009 2:59 AM PDT

I'm getting to that in a little bit.
It's taking part in a very different solar system, i'm also getting to that.
Right now it's supposed to be very generic, however it's going to go deeper, much deeper. I just want to give a little backstory so people won't be confused later on.

  • 12.17.2009 5:13 AM PDT

Also, I noticed you were using slang outside of speech quotations.

"till" it an example of this. You are not writing in first person, so it should be "until," and nothing else.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing what you will produce.

  • 12.17.2009 5:17 AM PDT

Oh, woops, i can't see that part... care to quote?

Part 2 is up. Shorter than the first part, i focused on relationships more, a lot is unanswered, but i will get to that in other side-episodes, right now i'll focus on Jacob.

  • 12.17.2009 7:05 AM PDT

I promise that the third part will be the longest. I'll try improve my imagery; add more description of the environment, characters and events. Improve on characterisation, maybe add some habits or something.
But aside from that expect the main story to be filled with action, a deep storyline, plot-twists, backstories and surprises!

  • 12.17.2009 12:12 PM PDT
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Posted by: Wolverfrog
Seems pretty generic. The actual writing is good (although you could use a few more spaces), but the premise is boring and overdone.

I suggest you do something original. Take a look at one of the shadier parts of the Halo universe and build upon it. People enjoy reading things they haven't previously read about.


hey, squid face, sshh
its not overdone! its amazing, nice work!!

  • 12.17.2009 12:51 PM PDT

Posted by: agent waffle
Posted by: Wolverfrog
Seems pretty generic. The actual writing is good (although you could use a few more spaces), but the premise is boring and overdone.

I suggest you do something original. Take a look at one of the shadier parts of the Halo universe and build upon it. People enjoy reading things they haven't previously read about.


hey, squid face, sshh
its not overdone! its amazing, nice work!!


^_^
Thanks, in the process of writing part 3, however i am finding it difficult to fit such detailed description of the planet into the action filled segments. Maybe it doesn't fit with such detail, maybe i should just keep it simple but use better vocabulary.
Hmmm.

I'm hoping to get the main story up and running with some side stories too.

  • 12.17.2009 12:58 PM PDT

Posted by: agent waffle
Posted by: Wolverfrog
Seems pretty generic. The actual writing is good (although you could use a few more spaces), but the premise is boring and overdone.

I suggest you do something original. Take a look at one of the shadier parts of the Halo universe and build upon it. People enjoy reading things they haven't previously read about.


hey, squid face, sshh


Well at least my avatar didn't get killed by a talking lightbulb!

Yeah, I went there.

  • 12.17.2009 1:04 PM PDT

Posted by: Wolverfrog
Posted by: agent waffle
Posted by: Wolverfrog
Seems pretty generic. The actual writing is good (although you could use a few more spaces), but the premise is boring and overdone.

I suggest you do something original. Take a look at one of the shadier parts of the Halo universe and build upon it. People enjoy reading things they haven't previously read about.


hey, squid face, sshh


Well at least my avatar didn't get killed by a talking lightbulb!

Yeah, I went there.


Oh snap!

  • 12.17.2009 1:08 PM PDT

Part 3a is up! Part 3b in progress, i hope to have it out within the next 48 hours.
Tell me what you think!

  • 12.18.2009 4:12 AM PDT

//OB:PWNED!//
//END TRANSMISSION//

Pretty good. But who is bravo team and how did they know the ODST's were coming, because there were no other bases around.
So it doesn't really make sense, unless you plan on getting into that in 3b.
I don't really get where this is going but it seems like they're all gonna die :(

  • 12.18.2009 9:19 AM PDT

I guess i could do something. I don't want to make a whole chapter or part about Bravo team and their influence in the prologue but i might be able to do it in a paragraph if i was to do a fourth part...
I hadn't had plans to do that however.
And you'll have to wait to see the fate of the squad ;)

  • 12.18.2009 11:09 AM PDT

//OB:PWNED!//
//END TRANSMISSION//

NO! Where's part 3b?
I wants my fix and i wants it now!
This was hard to find.
Too bad it's not getting much attention, and all the poorly written one's seem to get such good reviews yet yours is put down.
Bah, this inspires me to write some stuff.
Don't know what about though :/

  • 12.20.2009 9:04 AM PDT

Ok, don't have a nerdgasm.
I appreciate your love for this story but i'm pretty sure it's not the best out there.
Part 3b is coming soon. Maybe even a CGI/Machinima series.

  • 12.20.2009 11:09 AM PDT

Im pretty good at Halo when it comes to dying. You try get a hundred deaths in one game without trying to die!

Posted by: Wolverfrog
Posted by: agent waffle
Posted by: Wolverfrog
Seems pretty generic. The actual writing is good (although you could use a few more spaces), but the premise is boring and overdone.

I suggest you do something original. Take a look at one of the shadier parts of the Halo universe and build upon it. People enjoy reading things they haven't previously read about.


hey, squid face, sshh


Well at least my avatar didn't get killed by a talking lightbulb!

Yeah, I went there.


????? congrats ?????

  • 12.20.2009 11:49 AM PDT