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This topic has moved here: Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy - part 2.5 is up, stay tuned
  • Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy - part 2.5 is up, stay tuned
Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy - part 2.5 is up, stay tuned
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Tag Tag's armor was cold, and clanked with every step. The thick metallic shell of his methane tank weighed him down, making every step a challenge. Tag Tag wondered if it was even worth wearing his methane tank, suffocating seemed far more appealing than forever walking in the eternal heat hauling the thing around.

"almost there" came a low voice from the front, an elite, Gomalee, Gomalee was only a rookie, wearing a dark blue armor, which shimmered in the suns rays. Although Gomalee was only a rookie, he still out ranked Tag Tag, and his other Ungoggy comrades.

Tag Tag looked around, the human mega city 'new Mombasa' did not appeal to Tag Tag, the flat brown and Grey shapes looked strange and very un nerving.

"could you go any slower, gas sucker?"
Qweg complained, Qweg was (of course) a Kig Yar, with his beam rifle slung over his back, and his big purple bloodshot eyes reflecting the sun light as he marched just ahead of the Ungoggy.

none of the Ungoggy replied, wich Tag Tag hoped killed Qweg a little inside.

"Alright, we're here" Gomalee said gruffly
"stay alert, our objective is to guard this location," Gomalee pointed at a large building, with bright letters on the side spelling 'Hotel Zanzibar.'

Tag Tag looked at his life time friend Glukie, and smiled, although he could not see it through Tag Tags gas mask Glukie smiled back. Guarding meant little chance of death, more chance of sleep.

Tag Tag climbed on top of a pile of ruble, Glukie sat jut below. Qweg walked up
"hmph, way to stay alert" he snarled as Tag Tag curled up and slipped into a peaceful slumber.

Tag Tag was awoken suddenly, as a smoking pelican flew over head, leaving a ghostly black trail as it whent, it disappeared over 'Hotel Zanzibar' and crashed the other side.

Gomalee had watched it fly over, and signaled for the team to get moving, finally Gomalee would kill his first human.

Tag Tag leapt off the pile of rubble, not happy about the wake up call, but powerless to do much about it. He landed face to face with Qweg, who seemed not to have moved since his slumber began.

"You'd better not mess this up, gas sucker"
Qweg snarled.









[Edited on 12.19.2009 1:55 PM PST]

  • 12.18.2009 5:58 AM PDT
Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy

Hmm...a nice idea, but it could be executed a little better.

Make sure to brush up on your grammar.

And please make the parts longer, at the least 3/4 of a full post.

  • 12.18.2009 6:21 AM PDT
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Posted by: Wolverfrog
Hmm...a nice idea, but it could be executed a little better.

Make sure to brush up on your grammar.

And please make the parts longer, at the least 3/4 of a full post.


thanks for advice, and that parts not finished yet, I just had to go do something

  • 12.18.2009 7:04 AM PDT

I suggest you use semi-colons >>> ;
E.g. "Almost there" came low voice from the front, an elite, Gomalee; Gomalee was only a rookie, wearing a dark blue armor, which shimmered in the suns rays.

However i would add to that:

"Almost there" spoke a disgruntled voice from the front, an elite named Gomalee; he was only a rookie, wearing the traditional dark blue armor, shimmering in the rays of the sun."

However you could add a semi-colon earlier
"Almost there" spoke a disgruntled voice from the front; an elite named Gomalee who was only a rookie. He wore the traditional dark blue armor for a ranks such as his, it shimmered in the rays of the sun."

Depending on where you put a semi-colon it can change the sentence around and add new and better words.

Anyway, cool story, bro!

  • 12.18.2009 11:18 AM PDT

Cool Story Bro

and not in the mean way! Cool Story you got going!

  • 12.18.2009 12:40 PM PDT
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No matter how many seals are killed by sharks a year, it never seems to be enough :D

Off to a good start. I don't think anyone has done a story about an Unngoy before. Very original :D

  • 12.18.2009 12:48 PM PDT
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Posted by: Dead Major
Off to a good start. I don't think anyone has done a story about an Unngoy before. Very original :D


thanks, :) I was really inspired by yayap,

  • 12.18.2009 1:00 PM PDT
Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy - part 3 coming up, stay tuned
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PART 2

The team sprinted through the hotel and emerged on the other side, the elite walked up, and observed the crash site of the pelican which lay in front of him, trailing smoke high into the air.

Gomalee pointed TagTag and Glukie towards the crash site, the Ungoggy obeyed, jumping off a concrete platform landing level with the crash site. TagTag had always wondered what it would be like to fire his plasma pistol. TagTag smelt a meaty smell, and knew the humans were close.

Qweg was about to follow the inferior Ungoggy when Gomalee thrust his arm in front of Qweg, stopping him in his tracks. Gomalee nodded his head to a balcony above them, Qweg liked this idea, and was pleased his leader had recognized his sharp shooting skills.

Tag Tag saw a glimpse of the humans, they had hidden behind some rubble. TagTag and Glukie stood ready to fire if they exited cover.

Qweg watched the crash site from a balcony high up, when a foolish human, appeared to be some kind of special ops rank, dressed in mostly blank, emerged too early, Qweg took his shot, a bright slash of light pulsed from his beam rifle as his arms jerked backwards from the sheer force of the shot, the human instantly hidden back behind cover. Qweg smiled, he enjoyed toying with the humans, but his smile was whiped as he caught a glimpse of a human equiped with a high powered sniper rifle emerge from cover, Qweg panicked, took a shot, and missed.

His mistake was rewarded with a shot to the head, spewing his brain over the balcony and splattering his chest with purple blood before falling to his knees, and tumbleing off the balcony, dead.

TagTag was just trying to figure out what just happened when Qweg's lifless body crashed to the floor infront of him, TagTag let out a small cry of fear, forgot everything he'd been taught, and ran as fast as he could away from the scene.

A grenade made Gluckie jump so much he threw his plasma pistol into the air and quickly followed TagTag.

TagTag clambered over some rubble and made a dash back past his elite officer, avoiding eye contact with his superior which he'd just abandoned. Gluckie followed, but was grabbed by Gomalee, who thrust him off the ground by his neck with suprising ease, Gomalee brought the Ungoggy to his face, gave an angry snarl, and flung Gluckie behind him, his grunts had failed him, now he would deal with the humans.

Gluckie crashed to the floor, knocking him cold, before being awoken afew seconds later by a plasma grenade expolsion from the battle raging beetween his elite master and the humans.

TagTag, who had returned to help his comrade, helped Gluckie to his feet, before both running as fast as they're stubby legs could go back through the human city, away from the mayhem.






[Edited on 12.19.2009 4:24 AM PST]

  • 12.18.2009 1:28 PM PDT
Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy
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Posted by: Gamer Stix
Cool Story Bro

and not in the mean way! Cool Story you got going!


thanks dude :)

  • 12.18.2009 4:25 PM PDT
Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy - part 2 coming up, stay tuned
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PART2

[Edited on 12.18.2009 4:33 PM PST]

  • 12.18.2009 4:31 PM PDT
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Posted by: AssaultCommand
PART 3! when is the ETA?


sorry if I'm a bit dumb, but whats the ETA?

  • 12.19.2009 4:22 AM PDT
Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy - part 3 coming up, stay tuned

Estimated Time of Arrival

[Edited on 12.19.2009 6:12 AM PST]

  • 12.19.2009 6:11 AM PDT
Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy - part 2 coming up, stay tuned
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Posted by: AssaultCommand
PART 3! when is the ETA?


oh, in about 20 minutes lol =]

  • 12.19.2009 1:24 PM PDT
Subject: [STORY] The lost Ungoggy - part 3 coming up, stay tuned
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PART 2.5

The two Ungoggy had been running for what seemed like an eternity, before both collapsing in a heap behind a dumpster, sucking on their gas masks dramaticaly.

"we're alive" Glukie panted "we're not going to die!"
TagTag stood up wearily "But not for long" he began grimly
"we abandoned the great journey! we're the enemie to both sides!"

Gluckie, still sitting, pondered for a few seconds, "you know, if we were Sangelli, then maybe, but the prophets don't care about us Ungoggy, all we have to do is stay low.."

TagTag opened his mouth to reply, when a single sangelli walked up from out of the blue, scareing the life out of them both, he wore white armor, and appeared to be splattered in red blood, clutching an un-active energy sword in his right hand.

"where you two commanded to guard this sector?" He asked, in a gruff voice. The grunts looked at each other. "Well we were," TagTag began, thinking on his feet,
"but our comanding officer was killed, we managed to slaughter all the humans before coming here, in search for more humans to kill, master"
TagTag replied, his voice sqweaky with fear that the elite would find out he was lying, and as a result; slit his throat.

The elite hesitated "follow me, both of you, we need to get back aboard the cruiser, rumour has it its going to jump,"
TagTag looked down, waited a few seconds, and looked back up

"Well" he began "jump were?"
The elite looked up at the cruiser, revealing a scar that ran down the side of his face, "halo"

  • 12.19.2009 1:54 PM PDT

Make sure to proof read. You're missing out punctuation, forgetting to capatalise nouns, and some sentences look a little strange. Some words contain foolish spelling mistakes. And the Grunt seems a little too confident in the presence of the Elite, who, incidentally, speaks a little bit like a human.

So yeah, proof read.

  • 12.19.2009 2:04 PM PDT
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Posted by: Wolverfrog
Make sure to proof read. You're missing out punctuation, forgetting to capatalise nouns, and some sentences look a little strange. Some words contain foolish spelling mistakes. And the Grunt seems a little too confident in the presence of the Elite, who, incidentally, speaks a little bit like a human.

So yeah, proof read.


ok sorry, I'm not good with punctuation, I just wanted to get this story out there, I'm making another one as well now, and I'm putting all my effort into it, and proof reading it :) you would be proud lol

  • 12.19.2009 2:52 PM PDT