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This topic has moved here: Subject: [Story] BEHEMOTH AND LEVIATHAN - Prologue
  • Subject: [Story] BEHEMOTH AND LEVIATHAN - Prologue
Subject: [Story] BEHEMOTH AND LEVIATHAN - Prologue

Just a short chapter I wrote, introducing the two main characters: Behemoth and Leviathan.

The tiny room was flooded with a brilliant, blinding light as the door was violently flung open. In stepped the massive silhouettes of two giant Spartan super-soldiers, sheathed in bulky MJOLNIR armour; assault rifles raised. They silently swept the room with the barrels of their guns, before simultaneously turning their attention to the cowering marine in the back of the room. He was chained up, mumbling something under his breath, traumatized. He had a bloodstained face and lifeless eyes. One of the Spartans, who was only distinguishable from the other because the word "Leviathan" was crudely scrawled into his chest plate, knelt down and clipped his assault rifle onto his back. It made a satisfying click that spoilt the infinite silence in the room. Raising his hands slowly up to his head, he carefully slid off his helmet to reveal the soft, young face of the Spartan. His serious eyes met the disturbed, pale eyes of the marine. Leviathan slowly undid the chains around the marine's wrists. The wasted soldier slumped down and took deep breaths. The Spartan put his massive hand on the marine's chest, who in turn took it in his own, softly placing something in Leviathan's hand. As the marine quietly died, Leviathan got up, and nodded to his comrade; whose chest plate bore the name "Behemoth". He looked down at the dead marine, then at his own clenched fist. Too many have been lost to the Covenant...he thought. Leviathan opened his fist to reveal a small square that flickered with a deep blue light. But no more.

[Edited on 12.24.2009 7:30 AM PST]

  • 12.24.2009 7:26 AM PDT

The Berry has spoken.

why does he have a glowing blue corn tortilla chip?

  • 12.24.2009 8:44 AM PDT

~Z~

nice start so far. Not really sure what it's supposed to be about other than a spartan named leviathan and behemoth but it's not half bad.

One thing is though, why the quote box?

  • 12.24.2009 12:55 PM PDT

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

See, this is why paragraphs were invented...

  • 12.24.2009 12:59 PM PDT

~Z~

Posted by: ajw34307
See, this is why paragraphs were invented...


dude, lay off, it's a public forum and the fact that he doesn't use paragraphs as much as you lke doesn't change the meaning or message of the story.

  • 12.24.2009 1:01 PM PDT

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

Posted by: zanforz270
Posted by: ajw34307
See, this is why paragraphs were invented...


dude, lay off, it's a public forum and the fact that he doesn't use paragraphs as much as you lke (AT ALL) doesn't change the meaning or message of the story.


I was joking, my humour is centered around sarcasm.

Also, grammar, punctuation and professionalism goes a long way when writing - I'm not going to read that whole wall of text without my eyes imploding.

[Edited on 12.24.2009 1:42 PM PST]

  • 12.24.2009 1:41 PM PDT
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No matter how many seals are killed by sharks a year, it never seems to be enough :D

Your writting is pretty good, but you should work on your spacing. I suggest ckecking out iether wolver, murph, Max, or my stories to see the correct way to space them. It really improves the work. I really liked how the spartan took off his helmet when he approached the marine, showing a human face to comfort him as he died. Good stuff :)

  • 12.24.2009 1:45 PM PDT