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  • Subject: In-depth look on the Covenant and UNSC
Subject: In-depth look on the Covenant and UNSC

You have no rights, play nice.

Alright, this is my look on the general stupidity of the Covenant and the UNSC

Important!
This may seem similar to Mandalores, "W.T.C.L.T.W" Mine shows the general stupidity on each side, the Covenant and the UNSC. If there are people on FanFiction.net who made one like mine, it is purely coincidental.

Lets start off with the basics.

Grunts. Know em, love em, hate em, and want to kick the crap out of em.

What is the first thing you assume when a five foot alien lawn gnome runs at you? "Oh -blam!-, I really hope that thing doesn't kick me in the balls." But, that doesn't happen, does it? Right on. It doesn't. You see, a grunt has the balls of a girl fetus in her mothers womb. As we should ALL know, that isn't much. As a matter of fact, if a grunt were to see the shadow of a falling leaf, they would pee their non-existent pants. Therefore, we can safely call them.....L'idiots. No, that isn't french, trust me, I would know. For those with the attention span of a squirrel, it's simply the combination of, "Little," and, "Idiot." May I remind you it's for a good reason?

Now, there are things that grunts are good at however. Here, let me list them for you. None of them should be surprising in the least.

-Screaming, yelling, anything loud really.
-Grabbing blue balls in their hands constantly.
-Running around like a blonde finding the corner in a circular room.
-Blowing the wrong -blam!- up.
-Crying to their leaders until they get bashed in the brain(wait, what brains?).
-Fighting over nub nub.
-And finally, dying. They cannot get any better at that.

Now, there are also several, uhm, calamities, caused from the usual daily stupidity of a grunt. Here, I'll be nice, yet again, and make a list.

-Causing Elmer Fudd to forget R's on R words!!!! "Im hunting wabbits! Gah, I did it again. Damn you grunts!!!!!"
-Caused the birth of Hannah Montana. We all know that was Hannah's mother in that closet, NOT the grunt's girlfriend.
-Caused the start of the annoying telemarketer era. "Why, hello there! Are we speaking to the man of the house?" "I'm a girl you dip-blam!-!" *click*
-Caused the Brutes to replace the Elites. "But....but...the Brutes are more snuggly than the Elites are!!!!!!"
-Caused the declining economy, both times! "Hmmmm, no more food nipples. This green paper stuff should do just fine!"
-The cause of the #1 leading death. "But....but.....it's so SHINY!!!!!!!!!!" *boom*

Well, as you can see, grunts are just plain retarded. They can't do anything, and I mean anything right for a bunch of alien lawn gnomes. Hey, both are easily replaceable and look weird. On top of that, I thought the saying was the more the merrier. In the case of the grunts, the less, the better, as in, less of a chance of them blowing the wrong -blam!- up. Here, I help you grasp their stupidity through the use of visual aids. As we should know, grunts have small attention spans. So, in the heat of battle, you sometimes see them stop shooting. Why are not shooting? It's simple. They are thinking about their greatest possession.

Subject A

One to many times have we seen that before. That stupid grin on their faces. *shudders* It's horrible...

Now, moving on, grunt's never learned some key concepts, two prominent ones actually. They never learned to share or listen. Here are two scenarios dealing on the subject.

*Two grunts are fighting*

Grunt #1: "Hey, that's my food nipple!"
Grunt #2: "Nu uh! That's so my food nipple!"
Grunt #1: "Uhm, no it isn't! I like, got it before you, so it's mine!"

*While they argue, battle is raging in the background*

Random Jackal: "You idiots!! Get in the battle!"
Both Grunts: "LEAVE US ALONE WHILE WE FIGHT OVER THIS FOOD NIPPLE!!!!!"

See what I mean? The never learned to share. It seems the canon lied to us!!!!! I thought we learned that grunts who share food nipples are best buds! I guess not. I mean, come on. How many "happy" grunts have you seen go kamikaze? Pfft, religious reasons. Don't they know it's the number one leading cause of death?

Now, for our second example, on how horrid their listening skills are.

*Brute with a squad of grunts*

Brute: "You, over there." *points to a grunt*
Grunt: "Me?"
Brute: "No, the one I'm pointing at."
Grunt: "Me?"
Brute: "I just told you, no!"
Grunt: "Me?"
Brute: Gah, you incompetent fool! *smashes with a gravity hammer*

....wow....I thought grunts were bad at listening, but this? Wow. Well, there is probably one explanation for all of this. The grunt was listening to his new music device, the "I-Grunt." The song, undoubtedly must have been....."Party in the USA." Tsk tsk tsk, poor grunt, listening to Hannah Montana, that corruptive singer. What will she corrupt next?


Well, that;s all for now. I may expand more on the grunts when I have more famous figures to criticize. Next up, there human counterparts. The weak and completely useless, UNSC Marine!

  • 12.29.2009 6:03 AM PDT

You have no rights, play nice.

Chapter 2! The marines!


Marines. Backbone of the UNSC. Actually, more like the organs no one knows about, like the pancreas.

Let me see, where to start with there incompetence. It all started back in Halo 2. You hopped in the back of a warthog, ready to gun down any alien in your way. A marine hops in to drive. How cool! But there is a problem. The warthog is facing a wall. So, what does the marine decide to do? Take twenty minutes of your life to back up, then pull forward, then back up, repeating the process till Nub Nub comes and blows you up with a plasma grenade. Very cool, I know.

Lets see, what else? Maybe the time when I was driving along, minding my own business, when out of nowhere, a marine walking on the side of the road decides to turn into the road. *Bump* *Bump* "God dammit!!!! I hit another one.....again!"
Then what do they do?
"Hey guys, MC is a traitor, shoot him!"
They blame you for their retarded friends bad decision. Also, you cannot kill them. Tell me, how can this get worse? Oh yeah, that's right. They can kill YOU, the super soldier with shields, in five seconds. I love how physics work, don't you?

In the history of the Halo games, the marines have been nothing but trouble. Sure, you can send them in first to fire one round at the enemy before they turn and look at you, then get shot in the back of the head. Perfect scenario right here:

MC: "Alright, you guys go in and weaken them, and I will come in to sweep up the mess, ok?"
Marines: "Sir yes sir!"

*They go in and shoot their guns a bit*

Marine: Hey MC! You gonna come and help?" *Gets shot in the back of the head*
MC: /facepalm

Glad to have geniuses like them on my side. Shows how helpful they are. In fact, it's even better when you give them a power weapon, like the rocket launcher! Example:

*MC gives a marine a rocket launcher*

MC: "Alright, I am gonna go in and distract them in this warthog. While I do that, you shoot them with big boom-boom rocket, ok?"
Marine: "Sir yes sir!"

*MC drives around, no rockets are fired*
*MC pulls up in front of the Marine*

MC: "Hey, why didn't you fire the rockets?"
Marine: "Whoops, forgot. Here, let me try!"
MC: "No! Don't shoot at me you re-" *Gets blown up with rocket*

As you can see, you truly can trust a marine with rockets. Just put about 100 miles or so between you and them. You'll be just fine. The best part of giving him a power weapon, like the Spartan Laser, is that they can still fail with a weapon, even if it can never miss. Example:

*MC gives a marine a S'plaser*

MC: Alright, you can't possibly fail. You just hold the trigger while you aim at an enemy, and wait for the laser to fire. You cannot miss."
Marine: "Sir yes sir!"
Marine: "IMMA FIRING MAH LAZOOR! BWAAAAAAAAAAH"

*S'plaser shot misses*

Marine: "Damn, I missed. Let me try shooting that other wraith."

*MC is hijacking that same wraith*

MC: "Wait, what?"
Marine: "IMA FIRING MAH LAZOOR AGAIN! BWAAAAAAAAH!"
MC: No, no, not at the wraith im trying to hi-" *S'plodes in flames*
MC: "I hate you guys soooooooo much."

Another lesson learned. NEVER, and I mean NEVER, trust a marine with a Spartan Laser. They will miss again, and again, and again.

Now, lets see a side by side comparison of the grunts and marines, to see who is more superior!

Grunts:
+For performance: At least they can kill someone
-They die to easily: Not even a marine shot in the chest with a sniper will die as fast as they can!
+For numbers: Wherever you go, there are grunts.
-They are horrible shots. Can't even hit a giant rock, just like marines can't(see marine stats, and you will see what I mean)

Now for Marines:
+/-They know how to take evasive action, even if it is into a friendly grenade.
+/-They can drive, but cannot dodge a grenade, even if YOUR life depended on it, which it usually does.
-They are worse in combat than a grunt. Now that is saying something.

So, in the side by side comparison, I have to say the grunts win. They are more efficient than a marine in the halo games.

For our next section, we will take a look at the Jackals, the bird that evolution decided to skip over.

  • 12.29.2009 11:20 AM PDT

"Find The Bomb?!
Find The Bomb?!
I'm Looking For The Flag!
What The Heck Is Assualt!?"

A needler grunt beats a marine you know.

  • 12.29.2009 5:26 PM PDT

You have no rights, play nice.

I had said at the end, in the side by side comparison, the grunt is more effective than the marine.

  • 12.29.2009 5:39 PM PDT

"Find The Bomb?!
Find The Bomb?!
I'm Looking For The Flag!
What The Heck Is Assualt!?"

I was once going to write a fanatic fiction about a grunt to parody other fanatic fictions...

Anyways I think you should post this really in the halo 3 forum, or the universe.

It's a well thought out thread, but it isn't really for the gallery.

  • 12.29.2009 5:41 PM PDT

You have no rights, play nice.

Hmmmm, yeah, it isn't much of a story anyways.....thanks, i'll repost them their. But ima still keep this thread around x3

  • 12.29.2009 5:55 PM PDT

Posted by:Fail Blog. Org
Grabbing blue balls in their hands constantly.


Thats what your mama does too

  • 12.31.2009 8:16 PM PDT