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This topic has moved here: Subject: [story] Awakening *UPDATED*
  • Subject: [story] Awakening *UPDATED*
Subject: [story] Awakening *UPDATED*

I take it back Wolverfrog. I'm going to try and write a story about the Forerunners!

Thanks to Ajw for the paragraph help.
THE FINAL DAY
The moon hung in the starless sky, a ghostly white stain on the infinite pitch-black of unexplored space. Its eerie glow reflected off the giant chrome towers that littered the grassy landscape.
The towers were illuminated from within by pale blue lights, casting an unnatural light over the plains. In the distance, snow-capped mountains reached into the sky, clouds culminating at the summits like wispy hats.

This was the land of the Forerunners, the lands that Solen remembered, the land he fought for. It had been ravaged by an outside threat; a threat greater than any encountered before.

It was the Flood: the infectious, parasitic menace that turned entire species into a population of mindless, mutated zombies under one rule. They lacked emotion, only driven by an uncontrollable greed.

Now, he was running down a blackened corridor, sentinel rifle in hand. The only sounds to break the silence were his heavy footfalls and pounding blood. In the dark he could see nothing, but towards the end of the tunnel, he could see a terminal glowing burnt orange in the black.
He skidded to a halt to access it. Perhaps there was time, time to save the survivors.

</ACCESSING TERMINAL
</LOADING...
</SCANNING RETINA.......... IDENTITY = SOLEN RIDACENT Y/N?

"Y" Solen quickly tapped in. He was running out of time; he could hear the moans of the Flood, the sounds of battle. The remnants of the Righteous Forerunner Army were few and decreasing, they could not hold out for much longer.

</ PROTOCOLS: 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . [LOCKED] [7] [LOCKED]
</ OVERRIDING.... PROTOCOL 7 UNLOCKED
</ WARNING! PROTOCOL 7 ACTIVATED.

He had done it. He had activated Protocol 7, a power that had been forgotten, because no one thought the day would come when its activation was necessary. But it had, it had.

Pale smoke rose in wispy tendrils into the dark, emanating from crackling orange fire that filled the silence. The Gravemind wrapped itself around the silver Citadel that had once stood tall amongst hundreds of others that had majestically populated the landscape; a monument to the ancient Forerunner civilisation. Now it stood broken, destroyed and slumped devastated by the horrors of the Flood.

Inside the Citadel, 8 foot soldiers clad in thick, white, score-marked battle armour made their heroic last stand. They masked their exhaustion with unwavering determination, standing firm against the enemy. They burned holes in the Flood with their sentinel rifles short, powerful energy rifles that fired infinite blue beams.

As they fought their way through the onslaught, a giant, heavy-weight Flood broke through the defensive line, crushing the Sentinel Guardians that aided the Forerunners from above with one sweep of its tree-like arm. Immediately, one of the Forerunners threw himself on it, and, with all his strength, thrust his knife into the core of the beast, ripped out the writhing infector-form from within and squeezed it tight. It exploded in a slimy mess, spraying his armour with puss.

He quickly jumped up, and saw one of his comrades fall. It was an upsetting moment; the infector-form liquidised itself and seeped through the ventilator on the helmet. The Forerunner squirmed and grabbed his throat. As he bravely held on to his last reserves of sanity, he reached for his knife and stuck it into his chest killing himself and the infector form.

This was the bravery of the Forerunners. They would sacrifice everything they had for the good of the universe, for the good of the future. It was worth it, worth it to protect the billions of lives throughout the galaxy.

He turned back, and fought on, harder than ever. If this were to be the end, he would go down with valour.

A spherical, floating robot flew down to join the fight. With a mechanical voice, it declared:
"Master Recicant! Solen has activated Protocol 7!"
Recicent turned to his comrades. He watched them fight for a second, but it felt like an age. He was filled with joy, and with doubt. The danger of the protocol meant it was too risky to test. I would either work or it wouldn't. But he had to go through with it.
"All units, fall back! Protocol 7 is green! To the Terminal Centre!" he ordered "Spark! Seal the chamber, then do your job."
"Yes Master!" Spark could not keep the excitement from his robotic voice. This was his time, now he could fulfil his purpose. It was what he had been built for. He was 343, proprietor of Installation 04. He would do his masters proud. Even if it meant the destruction of everything.




[Edited on 03.01.2010 9:40 AM PST]

  • 02.27.2010 1:07 PM PDT
Subject: [story] Awakening

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

Some truly amazing description at the beginning, you certainly created a vivid image in my mind there of the surroundings.

Remember to use paragraphs, that's one key thing to keep in mind. I'm not going to change your story but here's how I'd have layered it:

THE FINAL DAY

The moon hung in the starless sky, a ghostly white stain on the infinite pitch-black of unexplored space. Its eerie glow reflected off the giant chrome towers that littered the grassy landscape.
The towers were illuminated from within by pale blue lights, casting an unnatural light over the plains. In the distance, snow-capped mountains reached into the sky, clouds culminating at the summits like wispy hats.

This was the land of the Forerunners, the lands that Solen remembered, the land he fought for. It had been ravaged by an outside threat; a threat greater than any encountered before.

It was the Flood: the infectious, parasitic menace that turned entire species into a population of mindless, mutated zombies under one rule. They lacked emotion, only driven by an uncontrollable greed.

Now, he was running down a blackened corridor, sentinel rifle in hand. The only sounds to break the silence were his heavy footfalls and pounding blood. In the dark he could see nothing, but towards the end of the tunnel, he could see a terminal glowing burnt orange in the black.
He skidded to a halt to access it. Perhaps there was time, time to save the survivors.

</ACCESSING TERMINAL
</LOADING...
</SCANNING RETINA.......... IDENTITY = SOLEN RIDACENT Y/N?


"Y" Solen quickly tapped in. He was running out of time; he could hear the moans of the Flood, the sounds of battle. The remnants of the Righteous Forerunner Army were few and decreasing, they could not hold out for much longer.

</ PROTOCOLS: 1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . [LOCKED] [7] [LOCKED]
</ OVERRIDING.... PROTOCOL 7 UNLOCKED
</ WARNING! PROTOCOL 7 ACTIVATED.


He had done it. He had activated Protocol 7, a power that had been forgotten, because no one thought the day would come when its activation was necessary. But it had, it had.


Spacing makes writing so much more easier to read, also it shows an understanding of topic sentences which shows your work to be more professional.

Though on the short side, you kept us hanging and I enjoyed reading this. Great work.

[Edited on 02.27.2010 4:54 PM PST]

  • 02.27.2010 1:58 PM PDT

The Razor.

For the honour of the Mirratord.

Hey, ajw!!! Haha.

Yeah, I agree with him. Much better start than your other story, great description. You set the scene and introduced the story very well. I also agree with the importance of paragraphs.

But even so, well done so far :D

  • 02.27.2010 2:18 PM PDT

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

ZOMG it's Mr Evil 37, from the Mirratord!

I'm looking forwards to seeing where this picks off.

  • 02.27.2010 4:29 PM PDT

Wow, that was brilliant! All you need to do is take AJ's advice about spacing, and this be a great fan fiction!

  • 02.27.2010 4:38 PM PDT

The Razor.

For the honour of the Mirratord.

Three Mirratord members in one thread. Coincidence....?

But yeah, its really good, keep up the great work and I look forward to reading more.

  • 02.28.2010 2:07 AM PDT
Subject: [story] Awakening *UPDATED*

You guys don't seem to be coming back :(
I'm so annoyed this forum doesnt get the publicity it deserves!
LOOK AT EVERYTHING EVERYONE HAS MADE! It takes time and effort etc.
Its a shame :(

  • 03.05.2010 11:38 AM PDT