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  • Subject: [Story] Brother, Sanghelli (Chapter 2 is up)
Subject: [Story] Brother, Sanghelli (Chapter 2 is up)

Fallout Gaming Clan Member
Rank:Clan General

This is a relaunch of the fanfic Brother, Sanghelli which I started but was unable to continue due to internet problems.
Please comment.

Part I: Prologue

Chapter 1: Hell Spawn

Sargatel grimaced at the plasma pistol held in his hand. He was a technician not a warrior. How had it come to this.

The Sanghelli led Covenant attack on Atlas was being led by Zealot Damus Reldum.It had all started ever so perfectly yet this was war and something always went wrong. The Major whom he was under the command of had taken their squad to the southern outskirts of the human capital Antheaum. From there his and four other squads had brought down the human heavy turrets littering the south and east sides of the mega city. At each turret many Unggoy were lost but thankfully sanghelli troops were yet to become casualty's.

Once the Infidel turrets had been downed re-enforcements were brought in from their carrier Enlightened Purge.. With the troop numbers bolstered the Major in command had ordered them to enter the city and purge the Heretic Infidels.

All the while Sargatel continued to ask himself. Why? He believed in the great journey that the Hierarchs had given his race. To believe otherwise was heresy but here on the field of battle seeing the the innocent murdered was challenging his very core. How could any journey no matter how great be worth the loss of so many innocents. So many stains on his honour. No he must purge such thoughts from his mind. He was on a battlefield and thinking such things only served one purpose. Death.

His intercommunications unit began to beep in his ear indicating it had received a distress message. When he accessed the message all was static. After decrypting the message he only found a number and an unfinished word which horrified him. He instantly ran to the major and played the message aloud for all to hear. "3 Demo..." The entire platoon took the same assumption as him and began to panic.

The Major their and then ordered they set up a defensive perimeter and initiate round the clock watches while he communicated with the almighty Zealot. Only moments later he growled in distaste and threw the COMM unit violently to threw ground. "We are being jammed." He proclaimed in disgust. It was three units till dawn by his time and he was one unit away from the end of his watch when he heard a twig snap down the alley opposite him. Seconds later he saw something which made him recoil in horror something which scared him more than anything he had so far encountered in his life.



[Edited on 03.11.2010 9:50 AM PST]

  • 03.10.2010 1:52 PM PDT
Subject: [Story] Brother, Sanghelli

Fallout Gaming Clan Member
Rank:Clan General

Chapter 2: Hunted

Three figures garbed in a green armour, carrying assault rifles in magnetic clips on their backs, emerged from the black fog of night. Three soldiers against a platoon of twenty of his fellow Sanghelli warriors. The idea was madness, yet these were demons who knows what they could do. So Sargatel did the only thing he could and ran. Let them declare him a coward for he no longer cared. All he knew was the choice was his own life or nothing. Sargatel chose himself.

After recovering from the shock of seeing the demons Sargatel grabbed the plasma pistol he had dropped and after flicking the weapon's safety off turned and sprinted down a side alley. Turning left and right he twisted and sidled down every side alley he could find in his attempts to put as much distance between himself and the demons that had probably already dispatched his comrades ,if all the story's were to be believed, and would be hunting him down through the dark. Eventually he was forced to a halt. After all he was no soldier, just some engineer caught in this a war for which he could fathom no reason. Yet the holy prophets had decried that there shall be war with the human Infidels and war was exactly what the holy prophets had received.

While resting Sargatel took a minute to examine his surroundings. He noticed an open door leading down into the basement of a human skyscraper. Relief crossed across Sargatel's mind and despite reasoning telling him it was to risky to enter a dark, enclosed space in the middle of a human city Sargatel threw himself into the dark space below. As soon as Sargatel entered the cellar he knew he had made a grievous error. The pump of a shotgun loading punctuated the silence followed by the cry of a clearly elderly human male calling out at the dark
All right you alien sum of the sky. I feel I be ready to go out but I'm tellin you here that you is comin with me.

Sargatel sighed as he thought of having to kill the old man who had clearly become deranged at the thought of his own death. He was even beginning to feel sorry for the man as he crept towards the location of the man's voice. That is until he felt the cold steel of a modified wide barrel eight gauge shotgun.
A told you didn I scum. You is comin with me. Try to turn and I blow out yer brains all over that lovely clean wall. Now ya wouldn't want that would ya.
Sargatel began to reach down to his right leg fastened to which was a very special pouch that he never would show anyone for shame but kept with him at all times. He reached the pouch with his hand and silent as the breath of the wind undid the buckle. He took from it a curious silver instrument shaped like a handle covered in glyphs that could only be deciphered by those of his own family. A flash of electric blue flashed in the cellar as Sargatel activated his father's energy sword and cut down the man behind him at the legs.

A cry of pain emanated from the throat of his would be captor and Sargatel felt the blood of the man splash across his face. He spun round and shot the man dead through his head ending the misery of an old man who had all but given up on survival. Deactivating the energy sword and quickly storing it securely in the pouch on his leg Sargatel finally had a chance to examine the cellar he now found himself in. It wasn't by any means sparse. When he found a light he discovered a bed, sofa and even a fridge with much of the human's food and drink still inside. Sargatel sat on the bed after testing it's ability to bear his weight. He decided to get some hours rest and then contact the fleet in the morning.

Sargatel woke with a start. He could hear indecipherable shouts in the human tongue coming from outside before a smash came as the cellar door he had locked before trying to get some sleep. The sound of a heavy footfall echoed as something extremely heavy stepped through the threshold.


[Edited on 03.11.2010 8:45 AM PST]

  • 03.11.2010 8:41 AM PDT

A Sangheili who doesn't really want to fight? One who isn't really a soldier? One who is sceptical of the Great Journey?

Where have I heard of this before?

I'm not sure if you've read True Sangheili, but the protagonist of that of that has a similar character. I don't really mind, but it'd be nice if you kept things totally original.

As for the actual writing, it's decent enough. The vocabulary is okay, but not very complex. The grammar needs a bit of work. And some words don't really fit the context.

Keep going, and please don't bump when your story falls below a few other threads. Only post when someone has voiced a concern or posed a question to you.

Edit: Also, about Chapter 2...why does the human sound like a gangster? Is he a soldier or some guy wearing huge shades, baggy pants and a floppy, large cap?

Try and improve your dialogue. Read it out loud before posting it, to see if it sounds fine. Unless of course you're a gangster yourself. Then I suppose your dialogue wouldn't seem strange.

[Edited on 03.11.2010 8:51 AM PST]

  • 03.11.2010 8:47 AM PDT

Fallout Gaming Clan Member
Rank:Clan General

Posted by: Wolverfrog
A Sangheili who doesn't really want to fight? One who isn't really a soldier? One who is sceptical of the Great Journey?

Where have I heard of this before?

I'm not sure if you've read True Sangheili, but the protagonist of that of that has a similar character. I don't really mind, but it'd be nice if you kept things totally original.

As for the actual writing, it's decent enough. The vocabulary is okay, but not very complex. The grammar needs a bit of work. And some words don't really fit the context.

Keep going, and please don't bump when your story falls below a few other threads. Only post when someone has voiced a concern or posed a question to you.


I have read your True Sanghelli fanfic and yes while I will admit there are some simalarities between the characters as the story progresses you will see lots of differences as well especially as details of Sargatel's upbringing begin to appear
Also I would like to say that it is mentioned in chapter 1 that Sargatel is a firm believer in the great journey just unsure of the means.

I do though thank you for the comments and can assure you that they have been taken into account.

  • 03.11.2010 8:55 AM PDT