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This topic has moved here: Subject: Why Humanity Should Have Lost The War. [Silly Story]
  • Subject: Why Humanity Should Have Lost The War. [Silly Story]
Subject: Why Humanity Should Have Lost The War. [Silly Story]
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T.O.A.S.T stands for: Totally. Over. Analyzing. Short. Trailers.

I'm Pretty Sure everyone here on Bungie has read Lord Mandalore's Why The Covenant Lost The War. Well on ff.net there was a follow up written by Ranger24 which was entitled ''Why Humanity won the war".

It was perfectly decent, but nothing special.

Anyway, me and a friend of ff.net had a friendly competition. We had too write one chapter In Lord Mandalores style and not get completely flamed.

So, I Started this story. Which is basically why the covenant lost the war, just with Humanity being the target. I posted it on ff.net, and It was pretty well received. It's only one chapter, and it's short. But, I Thought you guys on Bungie might like to read it.

Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own Halo (That's Bungie, Der). This is entirely written in a comedy context, it is not a attack on Bungie or Halo.


THE MA5B - The Automatic Peeshoter

You remember the first time you picked up the Assault Rifle. It was when you were busy storming through the Obelisk of Season (Or -blam!- of Autumn) Gunning down grunts with THE HALO 1 PISTOL!!!! Then you stumbled across the Assault Rifle and you think. HOLY -blam!-!!! If the pistol was frickin awesome, imagine the POWER(Que Jeremy Clarkson quote) of this.

So, you charge at the nearest grunt and fire on full auto......After the entire magazine is empty, and the grunt has taken as much damage as American soil During World War II. You wonder if maybe the rifle doesn't live up to the pistols promise.

The you approach a Elite, reloading the rifle. "Ok" You think, "Maybe this things better against these ones". So you fire, and the things shields only flicker like Bill Clinton's eyes when he sees Paris Hilton. "Oh -blam!-" You deadpan, as the Elite kills you and T-Bags your corpse.

You may wonder who on Earth (Or any of its colonies) would design such a god awful weapon. Some could say god just got lazy(Old Harry's Game ;D). But that is not factually correct. I will now transport you to the exact, time, date and place. Of when the 'Mastermind' at the Misriah armouries designed the Weapon.

Time: Some Generic Time.
Date: Some Generic Time.(Date)
Place: Some Generic Place: The basement of Misriah Armouries.


"Hey Bob, The UNSC says we need to develop a super new Assualt Rifle. Which the official specs are.... Looks badass and is bullpup, cos it sounds cool and futuristic" Un-named assistant #1 calls to the really fat and lazy weapons designer.

"Yeah Whatever, I'll do it in the morning" Bob replied, as he was busy watching Zero Punctuation reviewing Final Fantasy CXXII.

"The UNSC says they want that weapons ASAP. Cos they got some insurrection or some -blam!-" Un-Named assistant #1 said. Bob grumbled, paused the video and squeezed out of his chair. He groaned as he stood up, and wobbled towards the filing cabinets which held all the old blueprints for old weapons.

He rifles through the blueprints for about ten seconds, before pulling a page out of the 1990-2000 weapon range. It was Labelled FN F2000.

"Let's see. Bullpup, check. Badass..." Bob grabbed a Eraser and a spare pencil. 30-seconds later, a slightly altered (Modded) F2000 (Badass level +5) blueprint replaced the old one. "Ok, now to think of a name" Bob thought out-loud, before turning to the filing cabinet labelled. "Marathon"

"AHA. MA5....B, so that it give us room in case there's a prequel" Bob thought, as he re-labelled the blueprint. MA5B - Assault Rifle .

"Oh, and to give it a futuristic ammo" Bob noted, quickly changing the calibre of the weapon.

*

The problem with the highly technical design of the MA5B is that it is hideously underpowered. Having as much firepower as George Bush has IQ, and the firing rate of swearing in the average South Park Episode. So, as the UNSC marines have now been equipped with these weapons which were designed over 500 years ago. They merrily march of into battle, armed with only a pistol and a automatic peeshooter.

Of course the high command doesn't care about the armaments of their cannon fodder *Cough* Marines. As long as the marines get in the way of the plasma which is aiming for the Spartans. They are fulfilling their purpose.

*A Prime Example*

A Squad of Marines crawled through the lush undergrowth, all equipped with F2000 *AHEM* MA5B's. The lead marine, a grisly, amazingly generic sergeant. Hand-signalled for two of his privates to advance. (LOL)

Slowly the two young marines crawled forward, they were stalking a pair of blue Armoured Elites. Generic Private #1 aimed his rifle at one of the Aliens, while Generic Private#2 at the other aliens.

Suddenly a wartog LRV roared into the clearing, throwing mud all other the place. The massive jeep rolled to a halt and three Spartans hopped out. one of them with a smile face spray painted onto his visor. The Three generic supersoldiers didn't seem to notice the Aliens, or the two generic privates. The aliens silently readied their weapons, ready to pounce of the armoured supersoliers.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO, don't kill Chuck Norris" one of the Privates yelled, jumping out of cover and firing his MA5B on full auto into the Elite.

Bullets from the MA5B visibly slowed in the air, their effectiveness about that of any weapon in Metro 2033. The Aliens turned and quickly silenced the private, Who with his dieing breaths said. "I saved Chuck Norris... My life mission is complete"

*
There you go, a prime example of how Marines are completely sane and that their main weapons is a just a load of bullcrap. Mind, if they want a really good full-auto weapon. They could just pilfer a plasma rifle from the nearest Elite.... and T-bag their corpse while their there.

*

So, now for the technical -blam!-.

The MA5B Assault Rifle uses M118 7.62x51mm Armor Piercing, Full Metal Jacket rounds.

Now, I aint a military guy. Or a American who has complete availability to nearly all forms of bullets. I do, however have access to the internet, and Wikipedia. These 7.62x51mm rounds, are the ones used in the SCAR-H Assault Rifle. And I have played Modern Warfare 2. I know it may be a gameplay element..... But the SCAR-H was the GOD weapons. Dealing about as much damage as a South Park episode about a famous celebrity.

So, how the Friggin Hell, can a futuristic weapon (lol) , chambered with the same rounds as The GOD weapon, Be so totally lame!!!!!!!!!

And what the hell's with the ammo display. These things have a electronics suite for a reason! They are designed to plug into a Marines Helmet, and show how much ammo is left.

They could have used the space to add extra damage, so that it did more than the ACR in MW2.

And why the hell doesn't this thing have a flipping Iron Sight! Or a least a badass laser sight. Ironsight aiming is the best thing in FPS', that's why I don't like half-life or Left-4-Dead.


*

As I said, this was entirely done In a comedy context. No offence intended Bungie, as I loved Halo.

  • 04.05.2010 2:22 AM PDT
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I lol'd. Epic and crazy true. I downloaded the combat evolved demo the other day on my comp for kicks, and tried the assault rifle out on legendary. WTF?! Literlally I spent three whole clips tanking the Elite's shields down, and another clip and a half to kill it! Even on easy it takes an entire clip.

  • 04.06.2010 7:09 PM PDT
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Well done!

  • 05.09.2010 6:21 PM PDT