- last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT
i tell ya man. you got what it takes to write a novel, but you will need someone like mines help, a few things where out of character, like the whole punching three people on landing on the base pre first mission thing ( punches the sarge for no good reason sides spite, was just out of character for simmons) the nuts and bolts of your writing are there, the punctuation and what not""..,,, etc...
also the things that made your little noveletta compelling to read (as in when i finished the first part you wrote, i was like "COME ON WTF WRITE MORE, THAT CANT BE IT. i wanna c this master cheif flex some muscles, i wanna see him use that better than 20-20 eagle like vision and mongoose reflexes to drop a rebel at 500 yards with 2 in the chest and one in the face... i want that tobey maguire beats up the high school bully in high school scene via his spider like reaction time, being able to see punched in slow mo ect....)
So. here's the good that made the story itself interesting/halfway compelling. (this is not counting your good technical writing skills that allowed the reader to follow and understand what you where writing)
1. the awe factor of a genetically modified spartan, he can lift xxx pounds and run xxx fast etc.
2. by and large what you wrote was completely coherant and did not loose the reader, cept for a few minor typos, and 1 or 2 continuity mistakes but nothing major ( i mean after all you are writing on bungie forums not in the new york times)
Here's the bad, or at least whats noteworthy to write about.
the main flaw to this wonderfully interesting story was.............. your explination of why simmons felt no remorse for killing men and being in combat.... "then i remembered the SPARTAN program, after all that i went through , killing another human being didnt seem like anything."
more interesting is... the spartan program shrunk the grey matter (by either chemotherapy, electricity, or some other interesting method at brain alteration i dunno, you pick the best one, i would say labotomy but that's just so planet of the apes 60's era stuff) in the sections of the brain that control remorse ...... and ....... caused an increased overall cranial capacity thus accomodating the exponential growth of the sections of the brain governing reaction time and overall intellegence, memory, problem solving etc.. for a better ability to analyze battlefield tactics and react to changes in battlefield doctrine quickly...............that's so much more interesting. it also adds to the awe of the whole supersoldier thing
i got more advice i could give ya, but dont take it the wrong way, this was a good read, you got potential as a writer. I enjoy many works of clive cussler, he's a New York Times bestselling auther with many best sellers fyi.
the reason why i mentioned this man is because, after i became aqquainted with the story you where telling, by like the 3rd or 4th paragraph you had me going perfectly, visualizing the story in my head much like i do when i read clive cussler.
now dont let the punctuation and grammer fool you, im a fart smeller... i mean smart feller..doh...-_- much like Quinten Tarenteno who never went to film school, he went to films. i never went to college for colture, i have lived my life in a country saturated with it already...... saturated with.... "pop culture"..... so, in short, i think that i, at the very least would be able to help to make your future stories more interesting, nay, compelling, and isnt that what we all want? a better story?
Honestly, with a little grammer tender loving care and a few talks with you and i , mono eh mono (to add interesting tidbits of story/action/$ex or to enhance existing story elements, i believe you are publishable, your already borderline publishable and your writing on a dang internet forum imagine the possibilities.
i'm gonna try and get in touch with you.. peace out. ( i'm white by the way, dont get the wrong idea by the whole "peace out" slang)