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This topic has moved here: Subject: [Fanfic] Boneyard - A Reach Fanfic: UPDATED!!
  • Subject: [Fanfic] Boneyard - A Reach Fanfic: UPDATED!!
Subject: [Fanfic] Boneyard - A Reach Fanfic: UPDATED!!

Eternal Refuge Remains Out Of Reach. (Reclaimercomic.com)
Join the Unmatched Photographers if you want help with your screenshots.
If you enjoy making maps, then Forever Forgers is for you!!!

I've been working on this story for a little over a week now, and I want to know what you guys think.

WARNING: EXTREME WALLS OF TEXT! DO NOT READ IF PRONE TO BRAIN ASPLOSIONS DUE TO EXCESSIVE AWESOMENESS.

And I'm modest too! :p

Sergeant Miller sat relaxed in the jump seat of the Pelican as it roared through the sky. The Covenant were blasting Reach to hell, but from Miller's attitude, you wouldn't have guessed that they were flying into combat.
"Sergeant, you'd better look sharp!" cried the pilot "We're about to hit the combat zone"
"I'm good to go! You fly-boys keep the bird in the air, and I'll win the war on the ground for you" Miller said with a smirk.
The pilot chuckled. They were good friends and had been for years, and Miller's attitude hadn't changed a bit.

"All right boys and girls! Listen up!" Miller ordered, and his four man squad jerked upright.
"We're ten minutes from the LZ. ONI reckons it's gonna be hot, so lets get this done quick! I don't wanna be sitting in front of a plasma cannon for a second longer than I have to!"
"Hoorah!" came the unanimous reply.

The squad quickly checked their equipment, making sure their armour was strapped on and that their rifles were locked and loaded. Although many other military forces had graduated to the more powerful and accurate Battle Rifle, the Army on Reach was still fielding the Designated Marksman Rifle. It wasn't designed to replace the MA5C assault rifle many other squads still fielded, but Miller's squad were the best, and all of them were qualified marksman.

Five minutes from drop, Miller heard the radio crackle faintly in the cockpit. The pilot quickly answered, as if clarify what had just been said. He slammed his fist against the console once the communication finished a second time. "Dammit! The Covenant is raiding the bloody Boneyard! We've been ordered to provide assistance"
"What? We have orders to hit the Covenant staging post! What the hell is ONI thinking?" Miller demanded.
"I dunno Sergeant, but apparently there's a Tier 2 asset located at the Boneyard. They're trying to exfil, but they've got a Covenant army breathing down their necks" the pilot replied as he shifted the controls, causing the Pelican to bank to the left.
"Dammit, we've only got one shot at staging point Danny!" Miller replied indignantly.
"I'm sorry Sarge, but I've got my orders. And hey, if this asset really is as important as they're trying to make it out to be, I'm sure they can use your help" Danny answered, never taking his eyes off the windshield in front of him.

Sergeant Miller clenched his fists in anger, before he spoke. "Alright, change in plan people! The Covenant are hitting the Boneyard for some reason, and we need to provide support! Once we drop, stick together and drop your targets!"
"Why do they want the Boneyard? There's nothing but wrecks there!" Corporal Dunlap objected.
"Does it matter? If the Covenant want it, then we can't let 'em" Miller replied tartly.

Suddenly, they heard the pilot cursing frantically from the cockpit. "Son of a... They've found us! We've got enemy bandits bearing one-oh-five!"
"Banshees?" Miller asked in apprehension.
"Probably. Could be Seraphs though. Whatever they are, they're coming in fast! Contact in thirty seconds! Hang on!"
Sergeant Miller barely had time to strap himself in before Danny gunned the engines and sent the Pelican into a steep dive. The rear hatch was still open, and the five soldiers could see the trees brushing past beneath them at an incredible speed.
The young pilot was frantically calling for assistance on the radio without much luck. "This is Thunderbolt One, we have enemy bandits on intercept course, Grid Alpha, Foxtrot Five Niner Three, requesting air support!"
"Uh, that's a negative Thunderbolt One, all air support is already engaged" came the reply.
Danny didn't even have time to reply before plasma began to fill the sky around them.
"Sergeant, get on the bloody thirty! They're closing on our six!"
Miller swiftly threw off his restraints and lunged for the gun turret. Spinning it up, he spotted the characteristic purple smudges closing fast behind them. "They're Banshees Danny. Twelve, coming in low!" Miller yelled.
The four man team looked at each other, none showing any fear, but rather a stoic determination to face whatever their fate was with honour.
The 30mm cannon whirred to life and began firing at prodigious rate. The squadron of Banshees answered with another volley of plasma firing, turning the sky around them into a glowing fireball. The slow, inaccurate shots were easily dodged by Danny, but everyone knew that once the Banshees were closer, it would be all over.

Miller swatted two from the sky as they drew nearer with precise fired from the cannon. The pilot dove down into a small canyon, and half of the Banshees followed. Miller pivoted as he aimed the turret up and squeezed off another barrage that punched through the light cockpit armour with ease, sending the stricken fighter plunging into the raging river below.

"Hold on everyone! We're only ten minutes from the Boneyard!" Danny yelled.
Everyone gritted their teeth. All of them knew they wouldn't survive the next 30 seconds let alone the next ten minutes.
Sergeant Miller let out a roar of defiance as he blasted another Banshee out of the sky in a ball of purple flame, but two more blasted through the smoke, plasma cannons blazing. Danny was trying to dodge and jink, but the narrow canyon prevented any huge maneuvers, and eventually, the Banshees were close enough to land their shots.

A fuel rod shot blasted into the starboard engine cowling, which burst into flames. The Pelican jerked and shuddered as Danny tried to compensate, but the small drop-ship was rapidly losing altitude and speed as it plummeted towards the rocky walls. Miller ditched the turret as the rest of his squad gripped onto their seats in a white-knuckled death-grip. more and more plasma shots were splashing off the armour, taking chunks of molten Titanium A out. Danny yelled in defiance as he revved the engines like a madman, trying to gain some more altitude. The stricken Pelican slowly rose out of the canyon, with the Banshees still raining fire down on them.

Just as they rose over the canyons lip, another salvo of shots punctured the fuel tank, creating a massive fireball that blew the entire port side engine off its mount. Without any thrust, the battered Pelican plunged into the forest below.


The Pelican slammed into the ground at a phenomenal speed, despite Danny's best efforts to the contrary. The drop ship plowed through trees and brush before finally coming to a stop, with smoke belching out of the remnants of the engines.

Miller hauled himself out of the jump-seat, his ribs howling in pain from where the restraints dug into him. The four other squad members were likewise showing signs of life, so the Sergeant headed forward to check on the pilot. The cockpit seemed relatively untouched, with the window still intact aside from some large cracks. Then Miller looked towards Danny. The young pilot was breathing heavily, his hands grasped around...
"Holy -blam!-!" Miller exclaimed as he saw the sharp branch that had speared through the windscreen and impaled Danny to his chair.

Danny turned as he heard Miller's voice. His face was bloodstained, but twin rivulets of tears ran down his face as he saw the Sergeant.
"I'm sorry" was all he could force out before he burst into a coughing fit. Blood splattered from his mouth across the controls.
"Dammit Danny! You had to aim for the biggest damn tree didn't you" Miller admonished lightly, trying to brighten the situation.
Despite his predicament, the pilot chuckled and instantly winced. "Don't make me laugh. It hurts"
"It's okay Danny. I'm gonna get you outta here" Miller said as he crouched down to examine the injury.
"You could never bull-blam!- with me. The bloody thing's nicked my lungs" he coughed again, blood dribbling down his chin. "We've got a Covenant squadron breathing down our necks, and an army not too far behind. You gotta get out of here" Danny wheezed, closing his eyes against the pain.
"I'm not leaving without you" Miller insisted, looking for a way to remove the wood fragment.
"Yes you are. You know I'm a goner. Just do me one last favour" the young pilot whispered, slipping away.
"What is it?" the Sergeant asked quietly.
"Tell mum I am sorry, and that I always loved her" Danny breathed, before his body went limp and his head fell forward into his chest.

Sergeant Miller clenched his fists in anger as tears ran down his face. He was not a man prone to emotional outbursts, but Danny was not only a friend, but family. He sat there looking at the pilots lifeless body for what seemed like an eternity, before Corporal Dunlap spoke. "Sir, we gotta get out of here. The Covenant -blam!-s are gonna be breathing down our necks in a few minutes"

Miller rose quietly and bowed his head one last time, before he turned and walked back into the drop bay. "Gear up people! We're moving out!" Miller ordered firmly, not even glancing backwards as he slung his pack over his shoulder and marched out of the bay. The four soldiers looked at each other is dismay before quickly following suit.

"We're still fifty clicks out from the Boneyard. We're gonna have to move quick if we want to get there before nightfall" Miller noted dryly.

[Edited on 06.04.2010 6:27 AM PDT]

  • 05.23.2010 11:40 PM PDT
Subject: [Fanfic] Boneyard - A Reach Fanfic

Eternal Refuge Remains Out Of Reach. (Reclaimercomic.com)
Join the Unmatched Photographers if you want help with your screenshots.
If you enjoy making maps, then Forever Forgers is for you!!!

Sergeant Miller set a killer pace as they ducked and weaved underneath the canopy to avoid the incessant Banshee fly-overs. Not a single member of his squad complained as the pounded the ground, meter after meter, kilometer after kilometer.

The sun was beginning to kiss the horizon as it sat lower and lower in the sky by the time Miller called a stop.
"All right people, listen up! We're five clicks out from the Boneyard. Judging by the sounds of things, we've got an entire Covenant army between us and the wall" Miller stated.

The four men listened carefully. Seemingly nearby, they heard the steady rumble of explosions, the scream of fighters and the chatter of machine guns.
"My guess is that the Covies are landing in the valley, so I doubt we're going to make it to the wall" Miller continued.
"So what's the plan Sarge?" Private Hampton asked.
"We fall back on our original orders. We've still got the Footy" Miller shrugged with a wry smile.
"Uh, isn't that danger close? I mean, we could very well wipe out whatever asset ONI is trying to exfil" Dunlap noted.
"Maybe. But the wall is heavily shielded, and I don't think they're going to begrudge us the chance to wipe out the Covenant army" Miller reasoned.
"Unless this asset is actually worth something" Hampton replied dryly. Considering how much man power they were ordering to protect it, the asset was definitely valuable.

"PFC Sanders, we'll thin them out from here. I'll spot for you. The rest of you set up a perimeter thirty meters out. I don't want any Covies butt--blam!- us while we're doing our thing" Miller ordered as he climbed to the top of the ridge, pulling out a spotters scope from his backpack. Sanders quickly followed Miller, slinging his snipe rifle forward.

Sergeant Miller whistled in disbelief when he reached the top of the ridge. "Hot damn" he muttered quietly.
The mother of all battles was raging in the valley below. Plasma streaked across the sky, turning the airspace into a dangerous gauntlet of superheated gas as UNSC Shortswords screamed above the valley, releasing their payload even as Banshees homed in on their tails. The bombs slammed into the Covenant forces below, but barely put a dent in them. Spirits slid silently across the valley floor dropping off troops out of their U-shaped drop bays, as Wraiths poured shell after shell into the massive Titanium-A wall that separated the Boneyard from the encroaching Covenant army.

Wave after wave of Covenant forces shattered themselves against the walls defenders, as UNSC snipers picked off squad leaders and vehicle drivers and heavy machine guns shredded the endless sea of aliens.
"There we go!" Miller whispered quietly. "Another staging point, about two clicks away"

Dozens of the magnet-shaped Spirits were landing at a heavily guarded point, with Shade turrets and Elite squads patrolling the perimeter. "That's our target"
Sanders nodded in acknowledgment "You call them, I'll kill em"
Millers smiled as he put his eye to the spotters scope. "Shade gunner, range fourteen fifty, declination five two"
"Target acquired. Firing" Sanders rifle barked, sending a hypersonic rifle round straight through the skull of the Elite gunner.
"Good kill, he down. Ah, Jackal sniper's looking for us. Range thirteen nine one, declination four nine" Miller declared.
Another shot, another kill.

"All right, we'll clear up the Covenant at that outpost to the east, and sneak into the staging point. Let's burn through the last of your ammo, and hit it" Miller stated as he set his eye back to the scope, shifting his view towards the slightly less populated outpost. "Range sixteen oh five..."


The five soldiers regrouped and stealthily crept down the steep rocky walls of the valley. The few trees and shrubs made scant cover, and the lack of any sort of grass made the climb treacherous, as any false move would send shale soaring straight into the Covenant camp.

PFC Sanders had abandoned his now empty sniper rifle at the lip of the valley in favour of his silenced DMR, as Sergeant Miller slid down about sixty meters left of the camp, similarly armed. Corporal Dunlap and the other two soldiers were quietly flanking from the right, their watchful gazes scanning for any signs of life. Sanders had done an exceptional job of decimating the guards, but everyone knew from experience that there was always at least one left over.

Millers squad stormed the seemingly deserted camp in unison, their rifles scanning left to right, searching for any potential target, hungry for blood. Within moments, they had found it. Inside one of the makeshift purple buildings was a grunt squad, peacefully napping away, completely oblivious to the constant rumble of artillery and bombers. Miller found them first and silently motioned to his squad. They rapidly filed in, keeping their guns trained on the resting alien forms.

Without a moments remorse Sergeant Miller said "Fire"
There was a brief delay as the squad waited for the Grunts to react. They stirred, and their eyes fluttered open in time to see the barrel pointed at their face just before it ended their world.
Miller looked at the blood splatter behind the still-twitching Grunt. "This is for you Danny. These f­uckers won't get away this. This place is our home" he muttered, and fired another suppressed round into the corpse.

The squad quickly left the camp, setting up several crates of plasma grenades to explode as a diversion to get into the staging point. Suddenly, they heard the whine of more Spirits and Miller looked up. Another dozen of the cursed drop-ships were soaring towards the staging point, flying low enough to kick up dust with their engines to avoid detection by the Boneyards anti-air weapons.
"S­hit!" Miller cursed. "This will complicate things"
"Sir? Surely we can't go in there. We'll be out-numbered by a hundred to one!" Sanders declared.
Miller gritted his teeth as he stared at the oncoming dropships, pondering their situation. Finally he came to a decision, one that he was not particularly happy about.
"As much as I hate testing out ONI's toys in the field, we have gotta destroy that staging point. Use the cloaking generators" the Sergeant ordered.
"Sir? We don't even know if these will work!" Dunlap protested.
"We don't have a choice. Even if it performs piss poorly, it's gotta be better than waltzing in there without anything. Just stay slow, low and smart and it shouldn't change anything" he said confidently, feeling anything but.

Sergeant Miller clamp the cloaking generator onto his chest and palmed it on. Without any warning, he faded from existence, blending almost perfectly into the background, aside from what seemed to be a heat shimmer the exact shape of a man. "Let's go!" he ordered turning towards the Covenant army.
"Ah sir? How do we see each other?" PFC Sanders asked quizzically.
"Lock onto my IFF. Have that transmit to your HUD and do likewise. Now, let's MOVE!" Miller ordered slipping into the rapidly advancing darkness.

  • 05.23.2010 11:41 PM PDT

Eternal Refuge Remains Out Of Reach. (Reclaimercomic.com)
Join the Unmatched Photographers if you want help with your screenshots.
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Miller slid stealthily into the massive landing zone, even as Covenant troops marched around him. The Sergeant stuck to the cover of the various boxes and purple ammo crates as Grunts and Elites ran to and fro. He quickly scanned each box as he slid passed, until he finally found the ones he was looking for. A dozen crates of plasma grenades were haphazardly stacked to the side of the landing zone, presumably where they had been deposited by the Spirits. Several Covenant squads were raiding the crates, stocking up on their ammunition for the assault.

Sergeant Miller crouched behind one of the crates and pulled a wad of plastic explosives from his knapsack and kneaded over the underside of the crate. With any luck, a chain reaction would obliterate everything within twenty to thirty meters.

As he slowly got back to his feet, he heard a quick "tap-tap" over the radio and Sanders IFF blinked. His charges were in place as well. The young snipers target was the vehicle depot, where dozens of Ghosts and Spectres were parked, waiting for a crew to pilot them into combat.

Soon after, the rest of the squad reported in with their own taps and Miller gave them a few more minutes that seemed to drag on forever to get into position. His adrenaline began to surge and his breath quickened as his excitement peaked. Finally, the Covenant were about to be put on the defensive for once.

"Fire in the hole!" Miller whispered as he flicked the detonator into the first position and clicked the trigger.
A thunderous boom rumbled across the landscape as the first set of explosives at the outpost detonated, setting off the plasma grenades and virtually obliterating the entire camp. The Grunts began screaming wildly until their forceful commanders snapped them into line, and began to direct them towards the burning remnants of the camp. Before they got there, another thunderclap sounded as Miller flicked the second switch. The Sergeant's charge had detonated, killing dozens of Grunts and Elites as they tried to surround the camp.

Sergeant Miller swiftly triggered the rest of the explosives sending the Covenant into disarray.
"Tim for payback, you alien bastards!" Miller declared as he raised his silenced DMR and began to pick out targets. Pacing his shots, the Sergeant swiftly dispatched his foes without them even knowing of his existence. The same situation was repeated four more times, as each member of his squad dropped their targets with deadly precision.

As Sergeant Miller rammed in a new clip, a new wave of Spirits began blazing away into the rising plume of thick, acrid smoke in the hope of hitting their unseen enemies. This only served to increase the confusion and disarray in the Covenant's ranks, and the undisciplined Grunts began firing wildly, their plasma weapons doing more damage to their own ranks than Miller's squad.

Satisfied things were progressing well, Miller went prone behind a trio of ammo crates as he activated his radio.
"HQ, HQ this is Sergeant Miller. My squad is currently at the Covenant staging point inside the valley, two clicks from the wall. Please respond"
"Miller, this is HQ. What the hell are you doing down there? Over."
"We have managed to cause heavy losses and damage to the staging point, but we would like to finish it off. Do we have authorisation to use the Football?" Miller asked.

He looked up as the sun finally dipped below the horizon, plummeting the valley into deep shadow, even as several squadrons of Spirits closed on the staging point.
"Uh, say again Sergeant? Please verify that you have control of a Football?"
"That's affirmative HQ, I have control of the Football. We have got more Spirits inbound, and they have fighter escorts. If we don't do this thing now, we'll be overrun! Do I have authorisation?"
"Ugh, that's a negative Sergeant that is danger close! We still have people in the valley, and on the wall. The Asset has not been evacuated and the EMP could damage it"
"Dammit, you've gotta be -blam!- me! Sir, we have a chance to stop these b­astards here and now!" Miller exclaimed.
"It doesn't matter Sergeant! You do not have clearance to activate the Football! Get your squad out of there!"
"Negative HQ, we still have a job to do! I will arm the Football, and set it from remote detonation, on channel one-oh-nine, code eight, eight, three, five, one, oh. You can detonate when ready" Miller said as he punched in the arming codes on the small device in front of him.
"Dammit Sergeant, you're endangering the lives of valuable assets on the ground! We've got f­ucking Spartans down there!"

Miller was momentarily stunned. Spartans were almost mythical, but they were a huge force multiplier if you were lucky enough to have them help you. Or if the s­hit had already hit the fan.
"Uh, copy that HQ, Miller out" the Sergeant stated before they could cut him off.
Miller slid the tiny nuclear device underneath one of the heavy ammo crates and stood back up. As he turned around, a massive Elite stumbled through the smoke, plasma repeated firing wildly, lighting up the dark sky with pulses of blue light. Miller stiffened, trying not to give away his position with movement, but it was too late. The sharp eyes of the Elite had detected the tiny shimmer of movement and stopped, eyes watching for any irregularities.

The Sergeant stood deathly still, even his breath put on hold. He forced himself not to go for his gun, because the much stronger alien would tear him to pieces before he could fire a shot. Suddenly, the alien gave a horrible grin of pure malice.
"I see you, puny human!" it roared in delight, and raised its plasma repeated right at Sergeant Miller.

The Elite fired just as Sergeant Miller dived to the side. Superheated plasma scorched the ground behind where he had been just a split second a go. The soldier swiftly snapped off a duo of rounds that simply splashed off the aliens shields with a flicker of yellow. With a roar of rage, the massive Elite swung its repeater towards Miller, who didn't have time to dive again.

But before the Elite could fire, a massive figure suddenly appeared behind the alien and jumped on its back. Miller hit the dirt and snapped his rifle forward just in time to see the figure jam something into the Sanghelli's jaw. There was a small flash of light and the alien crashed to the floor, dead. Miller flicked on his flashlight and illuminated a huge humanoid figure that almost seemed like a robot!

"Noble Team, at your service Sergeant" the soldier said, holstering his pistol. "May I suggest you get your squad to fall back to you? The party's about to start"
Miller climbed to his feet, too awestruck to say anything.
"Move it Sergeant! We don't have time to mess around up here!"
"What the hell is going on here? Who the hell are you?" Miller asked, still in disbelief.
"We are Noble team, Sergeant" the Spartan said as his team slipped from the shadows into the light. "I'm Commander Carter, and my mission is the same as yours. We're going to blow this place to hell, and unless you want your troops in the middle of it, I suggest you get them to fall back!"

Miller, shaking off his dumbstruck look, palmed on his radio, as five other members of the Spartan squad moved back into the darkness, presumably setting up a perimeter.
"All units, fall back to my position! Apparently the party is just about to start, and you don't wanna miss it" Miller said firmly.
"Uh sir, that could be a problem" PFC Sanders reported. "I'm pinned down by what's left of the vehicle depot. The Elites are looking for me!"
Miller looked towards Commander Carter in alarm, but he was already gesturing into the darkness. Evidently he had been listening in on Miller's communication.
"Stay here Sergeant. We'll get him" was all the Spartan said before he too dissolved into the rapidly thickening darkness.

Sergeant Miller quickly scurried behind a ammo crate and crouched low as he waited for his squad to arrive. When he heard the crack of a tree branch behind him, Miller whipped his rifle around and nearly put a round straight through Private Hampton's skull.
"S­hit Sarge. I'm on your side remember?" he whispered as he joined Miller behind the crate. "So who's hosting the party?"
"Spartans. Noble team's here" Miller replied concisely, never taking his attention away from his surroundings. Nights on Reach were long and arrived quickly, leaving the entire valley in near blackness aside from the muzzle flashes and streaks of plasma occasionally lighting up the night sky.

So one by one, the remaining members of Millers squad filed in. Except for PFC Sanders. "Sanders? You still alive out there?"
"Dammit, radio silence, radio silence!" Sanders quipped, but all of a sudden, the night sky erupted into a flurry of plasma fire, green and blue shots flitting through the darkness like deadly fireflies.

Sergeant Miller gritted his teeth. What the hell was going on out there?

  • 05.23.2010 11:41 PM PDT

@JosephBiwald
View my Art

Per Audacia Ad Astra

Nice I like a lot of the terms you use to describe things, keep it up.

  • 05.24.2010 3:51 AM PDT

Eternal Refuge Remains Out Of Reach. (Reclaimercomic.com)
Join the Unmatched Photographers if you want help with your screenshots.
If you enjoy making maps, then Forever Forgers is for you!!!

Thanks, I will do :D I am really glad you liked it though! :D

  • 05.24.2010 5:18 AM PDT

Cool story bro

  • 05.24.2010 9:50 AM PDT

Since you've already had positive feedback, I'll get down to saying what I thought was wrong with the piece.

The idea has been done before. Again and again and again in Halo fan fiction. Whilst there may be many slight variations of the same scenarios, at the end of the day they all amount to the same thing.

I just find fan fictions centred around action to be very boring. In my opinion, you should never start off with a battle scene. Spend a few chapters introducing characters and motives, and plot if needed.

I don't feel like I can connect with the characters. They're in a dire situation, but I'm really not that bothered. This is because you haven't fleshed them out properly, or given them distinct personalities, motives or goals.

You also introduced too many characters in a short space of time. Introduce no more than three characters per chapter if possible, and don't frequently name characters who aren't important as it just gets confusing.

Some of your dialogue seems a little wooden; a solution for that is to read it out loud. If it doesn't sound right; chances are it isn't going to work.

Some punctuation is missing, and you need to sort our your paragraphing.

This was a decent piece, a lot better than some of the stuff put out here. Don't feel like I'm trying to attack you; I'm just a firm believer in the idea that you learn from your mistakes far more frequently than you do from your triumphs.

If you plan on continuing this, maybe you could take my advice into account a bit. Right now you're just writing; the next step is for you to tell a story.

Sorry if I came across as harsh. I do think this could be good if you brushed up on a few points.

:)

  • 05.24.2010 1:23 PM PDT

Eternal Refuge Remains Out Of Reach. (Reclaimercomic.com)
Join the Unmatched Photographers if you want help with your screenshots.
If you enjoy making maps, then Forever Forgers is for you!!!

Hey thanks Wolverfrog :D I'm always glad to get constructive feedback even if it's negative, and I'm glad you were civil about it! I've given my fair share of criticism, so I guess it's fair for me to receive it.

As for your points, I figured this had been done before, but I thought I would add my two cents. I always enjoy writing, so even if it's more or less the same as what someone else has done, I think I can always add my on spin on it. TBH, I hadn't even read any of the stories here, I just posted it from my private group because I wanted to get some more feedback here.

Which leads me to my second point, the issue with the paragraphing. This is basically the culmination of about four or five different posts, copy and pasted in, so that may be some of the issues you are experiencing. I guessed that maybe the information in my paragraphs would be a little bit out, but that's what I wanted to find out by posting here.

As for the dialogue, I always sucked with that :p Any advice on how to improve it? Many other people have told me my dialogue is a little bit stiff and forced. And I was a little bit worried about the characters, because I still haven't named all the marines in Miller's squad, but I don't refer to them enough to do so.

Still, thanks heaps for the feedback and I do agree with your statement about learning from you mistakes. I'm glad to see that there are still civil and intelligent people on these forums! :D

  • 05.24.2010 3:58 PM PDT

Eternal Refuge Remains Out Of Reach. (Reclaimercomic.com)
Join the Unmatched Photographers if you want help with your screenshots.
If you enjoy making maps, then Forever Forgers is for you!!!

Sorry about the massive delay guys. I've been slammed hard with assignments and exams, but I though it best to deliver the previously mention "Pew Pew WHUBLAM!" so enjoy. It may be a while before I can post again.

Miller clenched his fists in anxiety as adrenaline surged through his body. The sky was light up like a Christmas tree as plasma licked through the blackness like millions of deadly fairy lights. Sergeant Miller's squad sat in total silence for what seemed like an eternity waiting for Sanders and Noble team to arrive.

Suddenly, PFC Sanders came barreling out of the darkness, with the Spartans hot behind them.
"Sergeant, I need you troops to set up a perimeter now!" Commander Carter ordered urgently.
Miller surged into motion, gesturing to his troops as the five Spartans whirled into action.
"Can I ask what demons are at the gate?" Miller asked as he set up behind an overturned crate, checking to make sure a round was chambered.
"A battalion of the Covenant Sergeant. We've got less then a minute, so snap to it!" Carter ordered.

"All right soldiers, look sharp! We've got a whole mess of aliens on their way, and we're gonna make 'em regret coming here!" Miller shouted as he palmed on his low light VISR.
"Hoorah!" came the unanimous reply as the five soldiers likewise hunkered down behind various Covenant detritus. Miller's eyes carefully scanned the seemingly impenetrable darkness, looking for any movement.

Suddenly, one of the Spartans called quietly over the radio. "Twelve contacts, right flank"
"Copy that Jun. You got the Elite?" Carter asked.
There was a sharp crack, startling Miller with his adrenaline charged nerves.
"Target down" Jun replied.

Without warning, the inky blackness turned into a the bright of day as the Covenant opened up. Plasma burned burned around the small squad of UNSC soldiers as they valiantly returned their own pitiful fire against the battalion.
"Miller, target the weaker ones! Jun, hit the Elites! Jorge, open up!" Carter barked rapidly as his DMR barked, sending precise streaks of lead straight towards his intended target.

Sergeant Miller pressed the scope to his eye and began targeting the Grunts and Jackals. His rifle barked, its war cry overshadowed by the deafening hiss and sizzle of plasma and the constant pinging as needles bounced off the crate. The all of the was drowned out as one of the Spartans fired up the heavy machine gun. Jorge hefted the deadly weapon like it was a feather and blasted away entire Covenant squads in seconds. The roar of the massive cannon drowned out everything as it splashed multi-coloured blood and bones across the staging point.

The five soldiers watched in distracted awe as the Spartan tore apart the Covenant assault like Swiss cheese, even as they dropped dozens of their own targets. The Covenant knew that they had the meager team horribly outnumbered, and despite the massive losses, they pressed forwards, gaining ground inch by bloody inch as their ranks were slowly diminished by the precise fire of the UNSC forces.

It wasn't long before ammo started to run low, even though the relentless tide of Covenant didn't. Jorge threw aside his machine gun for a DMR, while another Spartan set up his grenade launcher.
"Emile, we need to push them back!" Carter yelled as he slammed in another magazine into his rifle and resumed firing.
"I got it sir!" the Spartan replied stoically as he fired off a grenade.

Nothing. Miller ducked down and looked in confusion at the Spartan who was already locking in another grenade.
Was it a dud? Miller wondered. As Emile peeked out of cover to fire, Sergeant Miller noticed the Spartan was still holding the dead-mans trigger. He was mining the battlefield!

The Sergeant watched in awe as the Spartan rammed in grenade after grenade, faster than any soldier he had ever seen. After just a few minutes, Emile's bandolier was empty. As Miller slapped in his last magazine, the Spartan yelled "Everyone down!"

An earth-shaking explosion shattered the darkness, as the grenades exploded simultaneously, virtually flattening the Covenant's front line.
"Hell yeah!" Hampton cried in elation as he peered over the edge of his cover, surveying the carnage. "That's how you do thi..."
A massive beam of light cut the Privates shout short.
"Focus rifle! EVERYONE DOWN!" Miller bellowed as the beam scored the surface of his crate, the exact point where his head had been a split second ago.

The acrid smell of burning flesh filled the Sergeants nose as he looked at the nearly beheaded corpse of Private Hampton. The beam had nearly incinerated the entire top half of his skull, his some of his hair was still on fire.
Another stream scorched the ground as the Sergeant tried to peek out.
"Dammit! Someone take out that sonofa...."
Jun's sniper rifle cracked, and the bullet slammed into the Jackals skull, splashing its brains across the soil behind it.

And with the snipers death, the Covenant assault continued. Miller fired off his final magazine, downing yet another squad of Grunts with his precise fire.
"Sarge, I'm dry!" cried Sanders as his rifle's slide slammed back.
"I'm not much help Sanders! Frag the b­astards!" Miller ordered has he pulled out his magnum, and continued his defence of their small piece of land.

PFC Sanders leaped to his feet as he armed a frag grenade. He lobbed the explosive with such practiced skill that it bounced off an Elites shields, and exploded before it hit the ground. The Elite was practically torn to pieces and its squad was likewise flattened by the superheated fragments.

Just a second before Sanders ducked behind cover, a single pink needle slammed into the mans chest, hurling him back.
Sanders screamed in agony as the needle burrowed deep into his lung, narrowly missing his heart.
"Get it OUT!" he screamed frantically as he raised his hand to yank the deadly spike out.
But before either Miller or Sanders could make a move, the needle exploded, the soldiers chest going with it.
Miller looked in horror at the mangled body of the man who had been alive just a second ago. He has seen death before, but every other time he knew the purpose. Now, they were dying for nothing.

"F­uck this Commander! What the hell are we waiting for? We're being f­ucking killed out here!" Miller exclaimed angrily as he fired off another trio of rounds into the surging mass of alien bodies.
The Spartan didn't reply, but merely looked at the only female member of his squad, who simply shook her head.
"Not yet Sergeant. Hold this ground!" Commander Carter ordered stoically.

  • 06.04.2010 6:26 AM PDT