- ceebee r
- |
- Exalted Legendary Member
Damn snipers!!!
I have now read the books...
your stupid makes my brain sad
Posted by: Wolverfrog
I know you may have received a lot of praise in the Reach forum, but here, we're a little harsher.
Firstly, it's great that you decided to write this. Motivating yourself to do that is something that endears you to me greatly.
The main problem I have with this is that you write it like a poor script. Except it's not a script. You've created some weird, horrible hybrid of a script and story.
For example, you wrote:
....fade in, a blurred image from a spartan helmet comes into focus...the sound slowly fades in from muffled white noise....a marine medic enters your view...."LT....LT..CAN YOU HEAR ME?....you took quite a hit" you notice your in the middle of a battle(pegasi??)"lets check your armor luetentant"...the pre-requisite focus on the spots ensues..."...ok LT,you seem to be ok. your squad is just over that ridge"....
If it is a story, then it should be:
The Spartan walked into the room, noting a marine medic entering his field of vision. His ears rang and his sight was blurred.
"Lieutenant? Lieutenant, can you hear me?" the marine demands. The Spartan nodded wearily. "You took a quite a hit."
Gunfire echoed around him, accentuated with the screams of his dying brothers and sisters.
I'm still at Pegasi Delta, the Spartan realised as his mind began to clear.
The medic further ducked down, and crawled to the Spartan., before telling him, "I'm going to check your armour for damage and breaches, sir."
He poured over the torn SPI armour, and began to tut slightly.
"You're pretty torn up, but you'll live I think. Alright, I'm giving you the green light. Your squad is just up on that ridge, try not to strain yourself."
Your grammar is attrocious (sorry, but is is) and your spelling needs work also. Paragraphing is definitely a major issue, and your dialogue could do with a bit of improvement.
Try and put more description into the chapters, and decide if you're writing a script or a story.
I hope I helped. Welcome to the Gallery forum, by the way.
thanks, i really do value your critique. and you sound like you know what you talking about.
but you should know, i didnt mean for it to be a script or a "story". it was more of my description of the gameplay/cutscenes that would make some things fit in the game. i realy shouldnt have called it "fan-fic" because i know those of you who put a ton of effort into them, dont like to see such a hamfisted efforts posted carelessly.
when i started writing to explain what my vision was, i just got,...well swept up and it just started flowing out. i literaly got chills at a few points and i just wanted people to read it and see if they felt the same way.
its not an audition by any means, and if someone told me to take it more seriously, and it might actually go somewhere, id sit down and really go at it.
i would like to pose one question to you...
if you can, put all the gramar and spelling aside, and tell me if my "descriptions" were creativly any good.
thanks again.
[Edited on 07.12.2010 4:53 PM PDT]