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  • Poll [4 votes]: Is this story a goo or bad one if bad list improvements
Subject: Is this story a goo or bad one if bad list improvements

my emblem says how I feel.

Posted by: IExiiLeZz
if bungie aint makin it, i aint takin it.


Link to a michinima artists holy grail:
http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=53904519

Poll: Is this story a goo or bad one if bad list improvements  [closed]
good:  25%
(1 Votes)
bad:  25%
(1 Votes)
no comment:  50%
(2 Votes)
Total Votes: 4

Foreword: I put this here because I consider this art.
And, I thought I'd show you my very best writing.
I in no way own Halo Reach* Or any of the characters mentioned here, nor do I work for Bungie.
This is not true or official
ok, now the real foreword, this is my interpretation of what I think happens to Spartan 293, as Bungie has not released his name, nor(as far as I know) will they ever.




Spartan 293 had been awoken to an alert siren:
"All Spartans report to the hanger!"
"Really?" thought 293.
Getting up from his upper bunk, he grabbed his rifle,
his armor had already been flayed out in such a fashion to suggest that there had been a hurried attack; as The armor had been rushed into the room. After getting his armor on He sprinted down the hall. to his surprise he saw only two Falcons.
"293!" a pilot called to him. he was standing by the falcon on the farthest side of the hanger.
After a short jog. 293 reached the Falcon.
"'Morning sleeping beauty." said the pilot.
"what is the mission," said 293,"is it the covenant?"
"Rebels." was the pilots response.
"We should be so lucky." 293 said.
Climbing in to the falcon, 293 found that there was extra padding on the seats, this was followed by the realization that this falcon had gotten extra plates on the bottom. It was a captain's personnel transport. 293 popped on his helmet, the display blinked, became opaque,and read 'Ready', promptly 293 dropped the visor color to transparent. The suit he was in was an older model, it had been upgraded vigorously, but it still had the .10 cm shield featured in all MJOLNIR armor variants; however his helmet had a feature in his visor that could be adjusted to the adequate light needed for a room, or planet surface.
293 switched his visor to mirror mode it showed his battle torn face, He had just recently added another scar to his collection the day before, when a grenade went off four feet away. The blast had knocked his helmet off and a nearby rebel had charged him with a knife cutting the area above his right eye. 293 killed him mercilessly. 293 was blond and his Irises were scarlet in color. the reason for this color is the atmosphere one the un-terraformed places on mars sometimes mixes with dust of the planet surface, the terraformed dust reacts by releasing tiny microbes that fly into the air, and sometimes homes of people there. The microbes the cannot find a cell suitable for there survival, unless the microbes do , they burrow into a soft surface such as the Eye; however the microbe cannot sustain life on this surface and it dies, creating the reddish color, the intensity of this red varies due to how many microbes die on the surface. This is called retnastigma.
293 heard the helicopter enter the atmosphere he looked back through the gunner's window in the back of the Falcon and saw the ship the had just departed from: Red dawn. In only a few moments he would be on the surface of the colony known as Zaarton it was A fairly odd place the atmosphere was yellow, not blue or red like he was accustomed to.
After a short while. The Falcon began hovering.
He slid open the door to his left and jumped out. Looking around he saw a desecrated landscape. There were dead rebels every ware. He began to notice objects,purple in color, falling from a large opening in the the sky. Then a sudden loud crack, a beam of light, and then a shock wave. A covenant cruiser had just come out of a slip space-rupture.
"Aw -blam!-!" said 293.
A crackle on the radio.
"293, get over here, Now!" it was Carter
293 rushed over to the way point which appeared on his 'Hawk'
map. Due to his suit being so old he had a map instead of a MT (motion tracker). he got over a ridge. His squad was fighting of Many elites. More were coming down by the second, There were few Grunts. The Elites' were coming down in their drop pods.
He joined in the firefight.
******************************
A good hour passed since the shootout had begun, when the enemy finally disappeared Carter walked over to the one remaining
Transport Warthog. A big gash had appeared in it's side but it would still work.
Suddenly an Elite came out of Active camouflage. The thing had been hiding on the roof of the warthog. It had an energy sword. Carter recalling he had picked up one to take back to Halsey
for examination, So He pulled it out just as the elite lunged.
He was able to block the blow but it knocked Carter to his back,he was done-for. Unless...
"Not if I can help it!" yelled 293. He sprinted towards the Elite who was about to thrust his sword into Carter. Kat tried to stop him, along with George, but he was not going to stop, even at the peril of his own life. The Elite began a stabbing motion, 293 jumped over Carter, and landed directly in the path of the blade.
A flurry of pain.
As he was lifted off the ground he grabbed the Elite's forward arm, pulled out his magnum stuck it strait in the Elite's mouth
and Fired.
Blue-purple blood flew everywhere and as the Elite began to fall back to the ground, he dropped 293. Blood was pouring down his face.As he had been shot, In the forehead, in the act of dropping 293. He was losing consciousness his wound was deep. He was going to die within moments. still he tried at staggering blows to the wounded Spartan, he finally fell dead.
As for 293, He was coughing up blood, it was hard to breath,
"Bio-foam. won't help." he thought. He knew this was it, his strength was leaving him with every passing second. As he fell to the ground he recalled his life.His wife and kids, whom had perished in the invasion of Harvest.His childhood, He began to cry, He loved life. Carter in an instant was helping him to the ground, taking of his helmet, Carter saw the amount of life 293 had in him. 293,in his last breath he said:
"My sacrifice is what Is supposed to be, I am Dead, I see no-one now," He turned to Carter who had rushed to his aid, (He couldn't see but He knew which direction Carter was in.)"Fair-well.. Sergent." And in the last move of his, he saluted.
Everything went wight He saw A man.
"Dad?"
No. This man looked to kind, to ancient to be his harsh cruel father.
"God?" the man nodded,"Do you know why you are here?"
"No."
"You have showed me that You would rather be killed then watch a child of mine die, and you have showed great commitment to the lord." god said, indicating the now near destroyed cross 293 had around his neck.
"And as your favorite person once said: The next soldier in heaven will say to God; one more soldier reporting sir, I have served my time in Hell."

the end

  • 07.12.2010 2:37 PM PDT

EXistence PROhibited!
Feel free to join my group, the Vault of Lore

Please format it a little. Like that I simply can't concentrate while reading it. It's simply a wall of text. Still, I'll read it as soon as possible. I like the length, keep up the work. I'll tell you what I think when I've read it. Also, use this reply as an example of what I mean. The better version is below.

Please format it a little. Like that I simply can't concentrate while reading it.

It's simply a wall of text. Still, I'll read it as soon as possible.

I like the length, keep up the work. I'll tell you what I think when I've read it.

Also, use this reply as an example of what I mean.

  • 07.12.2010 3:38 PM PDT

my emblem says how I feel.

Posted by: IExiiLeZz
if bungie aint makin it, i aint takin it.


Link to a michinima artists holy grail:
http://www.bungie.net/Forums/posts.aspx?postID=53904519

ok so based on what You've said:

Foreword: I put this here because I consider this art.

And, I thought I'd show you my very best writing.

I in no way own Halo Reach* Or any of the characters mentioned here, nor do I work for Bungie.

This is not true or official

ok, now the real foreword, this is my interpretation of what I think happens to Spartan 293, as Bungie has not released his name, nor(as far as I know) will they ever.




Spartan 293 had been awoken to an alert siren:
"All Spartans report to the hanger!"

"Really?" thought 293.

Getting up from his upper bunk, he grabbed his rifle,
his armor had already been flayed out in such a fashion to suggest that there had been a hurried attack; as The armor had been rushed into the room.

After getting his armor on He sprinted down the hall. to his surprise he saw only two Falcons.

"293!" a pilot called to him. he was standing by the falcon on the farthest side of the hanger.

After a short jog. 293 reached the Falcon.

"'Morning sleeping beauty." said the pilot.

"what is the mission," said 293,"is it the covenant?"

"Rebels." was the pilots response.

"We should be so lucky." 293 said.

Climbing in to the falcon, 293 found that there was extra padding on the seats, this was followed by the realization that this falcon had gotten extra plates on the bottom. It was a captain's personnel transport.

293 popped on his helmet, the display blinked, became opaque,and read 'Ready',

promptly 293 dropped the visor color to transparent.

The suit he was in was an older model, it had been upgraded vigorously,

but it still had the .10 cm shield featured in all MJOLNIR armor variants;

however his helmet had a feature in his visor that could be adjusted to the adequate light needed for a room, or planet surface.

293 switched his visor to mirror mode.

it showed his battle torn face,

He had just recently added another scar to his collection the day before, when a grenade went off four feet away.

The blast had knocked his helmet off and a nearby rebel had charged him with a knife cutting the area above his right eye.

293 killed him mercilessly.

293 was blond and his Irises were scarlet in color.

the reason for this color is the atmosphere one the un-terraformed places on mars sometimes mixes with dust of the planet surface,

the terraformed dust reacts by releasing tiny microbes that fly into the air,and sometimes homes of people there.

The microbes the cannot find a cell suitable for there survival,

unless the microbes do ,they burrow into a soft surface such as the Eye;

however the microbe cannot sustain life on this surface and it dies, creating the reddish color,

the intensity of this red varies due to how many microbes die on the surface. This is called karetnastigma.

293 heard the helicopter enter the atmosphere he looked back through the gunner's window in the back of the Falcon and saw the ship the had just departed from: Red dawn.

In only a few moments he would be on the surface of the colony known as Zaarton it was A fairly odd place; the atmosphere was yellow, not blue or red like he was accustomed to.

After a short while. The Falcon began hovering.

He slid open the door to his left and jumped out. Looking around he saw a desecrated landscape.

There were dead rebels every ware.

He began to notice objects,purple in color, falling from a large opening in the the sky.

Then a sudden loud crack, a beam of light, and then a shock wave. A covenant cruiser had just come out of a slip space-rupture.

"Aw -blam!-!" said 293.
A crackle on the radio.

"293, get over here, Now!" it was Carter

293 rushed over to the way point which appeared on his 'Hawk'
map.

Due to his suit being so old he had a map instead of a MT (motion tracker).

he got over a ridge.

His squad was fighting of Many elites. More were coming down by the second, There were few Grunts. The Elites' were coming down in their drop pods.
He joined in the firefight.
******************************
A good hour passed since the shootout had begun, when the enemy finally disappeared; Carter walked over to the one remaining
Transport Warthog. A big gash had appeared in it's side but it would still work.

Suddenly an Elite came out of Active camouflage. The thing had been hiding on the roof of the warthog.

It had an energy sword. Carter recalling he had picked up one to take back to Halsey
for examination,
So He pulled it out just as the elite lunged.
He was able to block the blow but it knocked Carter to his back,he was done-for. Unless...

"Not if I can help it!" yelled 293.

He sprinted towards the Elite who was about to thrust his sword into Carter.

Kat tried to stop him, along with George, but he was not going to stop, even at the peril of his own life.

The Elite began a stabbing motion, 293 jumped over Carter, and landed directly in the path of the blade.

A flurry of pain.

As he was lifted off the ground he grabbed the Elite's forward arm, pulled out his magnum stuck it strait in the Elite's mouth
and Fired.

Blue-purple blood flew everywhere and as the Elite began to fall back to the ground, he dropped 293. Blood was pouring down his face.As he had been shot, In the forehead, in the act of dropping 293. He was losing consciousness his wound was deep. He was going to die within moments.

still he tried at staggering blows to the wounded Spartan, he finally fell dead.

As for 293, He was coughing up blood, it was hard to breath,
"Bio-foam. won't help." he thought.

He knew this was it, his strength was leaving him with every passing second.

As he fell to the ground he recalled his life.

His wife and kids, whom had perished in the invasion of Harvest.

His childhood. He began to cry, He loved life.

Carter in an instant was helping him to the ground, taking off his helmet, Carter saw the amount of life 293 had in him.

293,in his last breath he said:

"My sacrifice is what Is supposed to be, I am Dead, I see no-one now," He turned to Carter who had rushed to his aid, (He couldn't see but He knew which direction Carter was in.)"Fair-well.. Sergent." And in the last move of his, he saluted.
Everything went wight He saw A man.

"Dad?"

No. This man looked to kind, to ancient to be his harsh cruel father.

"God?" the man nodded,"Do you know why you are here?"

"No."

"You have showed me that You would rather be killed then watch a child of mine die, and you have showed great commitment to the lord." god said, indicating the now near destroyed cross 293 had around his neck.
"And as your favorite person once said: The next soldier in heaven will say to God; one more soldier reporting sir, I have served my time in Hell."

the end

  • 07.13.2010 7:14 AM PDT

First in social ranked firefight campaign competitive and ODST goose splatters.
My other account is UrbanTwisticle
20,000+ total matchmade goose splatters

Check out my YouTube Channel

This might help you make your dialogue sound cleaner: try to avoid using the phrase 'he (or she) said' altogether. It will make the story flow better if you describe the actions or mood of the speaker to denote who is talking.

Overall it was a good read, so don't take this too hard. I am just trying to be helpful =)

[Edited on 07.13.2010 5:34 PM PDT]

  • 07.13.2010 5:33 PM PDT