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  • Subject: Joke thread - Mods and users: post your best jokes!
Subject: Joke thread - Mods and users: post your best jokes!

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

i'm bored so let's have a joke contest

i'll start:


If olive oil comes from olives ........ where does baby oil come from?

Yo momma's so ugly when she goes to the beach, cats try to cover her with sand.

Yo momma's so fat, she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of washington's nose.

Yo momma's so fat, the national weather service gives a name to each one of her farts.

A man is deathly ill and goes to see a doctor. His wife asks the doctor how bad it is. The doctor says" Well, if you want your husband to live you'll have to feed him, massage his back and make love to him three times a day."
"Three times a day?"
"Yes, it's the only way."
When the wife walked out of the doctor's office, the husband asked her what the doc said.
The wife replied, "He says youre going to die".

[Edited on 8/10/2004 9:40:06 PM]

  • 08.10.2004 9:36 PM PDT
Subject: Best jokes
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Your momma's so fat she accidently swallowed a black hole.
Your momma's so fat that when she got off the couch they had to change the global map.

  • 08.10.2004 9:38 PM PDT

Five Tenets of Bungie.net Forum Life:
1. Trolls will always be well fed.
2. Blame-ability thy name is stosh.
3. Bungie has no control over retail prices.
4. Watch out for low-flying defense drones.
5. Seven is not optional, but rather, an inevitability.

Could a straight jacket turn a -blam!- man straight?

When a tree falls in the forest, do the squirrels jump out?

When a mute swears, does his mother was his hands with soap?

*When told something completely rediculous* Ha! I haven't laughed so hard since I last looked at your momma.

I know they're not really jokes, but some of them are funny.

  • 08.10.2004 9:39 PM PDT
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3 guys are standing around, and they get into a conversation about what they'd like people to say at their funeral. The first guy says " I hope they say he was a great school teacher and a great husband as well." The second guys says " I hope they say he was a great and wealthy business man who loved his family." The third guys says "I hope the people at my funeral say Look! He's moving!"

  • 08.10.2004 9:40 PM PDT
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you so poor you cant afford food stamps
you so poor you use a bike do do a drive by
your mama so fat she but on a red raincoat and every one screamed its the koolaid man!

  • 08.10.2004 9:40 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

If a tree falls on a mime on the middle of a forest........does anyone care?

  • 08.10.2004 9:41 PM PDT

Five Tenets of Bungie.net Forum Life:
1. Trolls will always be well fed.
2. Blame-ability thy name is stosh.
3. Bungie has no control over retail prices.
4. Watch out for low-flying defense drones.
5. Seven is not optional, but rather, an inevitability.

*To a fat person* Free Willy!!! No seriously free Willy, he/she ate him!!!!

  • 08.10.2004 9:42 PM PDT
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Knock knock.
Who's there?
It's the Police, your wife died in a car crash.

  • 08.10.2004 9:42 PM PDT
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Posted by: manas
Knock knock.
Who's there?
It's the Police, your wife died in a car crash.


:)

  • 08.10.2004 9:43 PM PDT
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Women and children first, then dudes, then dogs, then cats, then mimes.

You're so poor you can't afford free samples.

  • 08.10.2004 9:43 PM PDT

♠The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's friend's enemy♠

Posted by: finalwaltz
3 guys are standing around, and they get into a conversation about what they'd like people to say at their funeral. The first guy says " I hope they say he was a great school teacher and a great husband as well." The second guys says " I hope they say he was a great and wealthy business man who loved his family." The third guys says "I hope the people at my funeral say Look! He's moving!"



[color=red]LOL!!![/color]

  • 08.10.2004 9:44 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

A man is sitting in his easy chair at home when someone knocks on the door
"Who is it?" asks the old man
"I'm the boston strangler". the man at the door replies
The old man turns around and shouts " Honey! It's for you"

  • 08.10.2004 9:45 PM PDT
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This is a long one, but it's funny.

Three men stand outside the pearly gates of heaven. The archangel tells them that only one of them can get in since heaven is so full. To figure out who gets in, they decide to let whoever had the best story about how they died into heaven.

The first guys starts his story: "I've been suspectingmy wife of having an affair for a really long time. Today, when I got home, i went into my room and found my wife all hot, naked, and sweaty, like she'd just been having great sex. I run through my house furiously looking for this guy since i know he must be nearby still. I run out on the balcony and find him hanging from the side, trying to hide. I stomp on his hands but he doesn't let go. I dragged my refrigerator over and pushed it off the edge onto him, but as it fell, the cord wrapped around my feet and i fell with it. So here i am."

The second guy tells his story: "I was working on the powerlines sitting in the bucket of the hydraulic arm, when suddenly the parking brake gives out and it starts rolling. I fell off the side, and grabbed onto a balcony to save myself. Suddenly, this guy starts stomping on my hands. I hung on for dear life, when suddenly a refridgerator drops from the side and crushed me. So here i am."

The third guy starts his story: "I was hot, naked, and sweaty hiding inside this refridgerator..."

  • 08.10.2004 9:49 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

A young man's father dies but he is unable to go to the funeral. He tells the funeral parlor manager he wants the best of everything for his father. A month passes and the son gets a bill for 1000 dollars, so he pays it. Next month he gets another bill for 85$. He pays it. Next month another bill for 85$. This goes on for a couple months until finally he calls the parlor manager and asks why he keeps getting monthly bills for 85$. The manager replies," You said you wanted the best of everything for your father, so I rented him a tux".

  • 08.10.2004 9:51 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

LOL

LMAO!

Nice one waltz!

[Edited on 8/10/2004 9:53:14 PM]

  • 08.10.2004 9:52 PM PDT
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Thanks

  • 08.10.2004 9:55 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

come on Mods.

i bet you guys got some kick@ss jokes!

  • 08.10.2004 10:00 PM PDT
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Becky was on her death bed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping John. "It's all right.

Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

OR

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

OR


---This is the best---

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

-------------------

That's all I got

Credit to Ebaums




[Edited on 8/10/2004 10:09:50 PM]

  • 08.10.2004 10:09 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

LOL

nice jokes man

i wonder if shishka has enough of a sense of humor to post a joke

  • 08.10.2004 10:12 PM PDT
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Boo! And yet... Yay... at the same time...

  • 08.10.2004 10:18 PM PDT

bah

What do you get when you cross a poodle with a mamoth? A d... wait wait, that'll get snipped.

So one day Dirty Ernie is in school. His teacher says "Can anyone tell me a four letter word?" Ernie raises his hand... Wait, that'll DEFINITELY get snipped.

Hmmm.... A dog walks down the street and spots a lady with a HUGE... Whoa! There's no way I can tell THAT one to minors!

Sorry, all of my jokes are grossly innapropriate.

  • 08.10.2004 10:18 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

Bill Gates, Donald Trump and Satoru Iwata are playing golf one day. They get to the 3rd hole when Iwata puts one finger in his ear and another finger in his mouth and just starts talking. He later explains that he has a tiny speaker in his finger and a tiny cell phone in his mouth so he can always be in touch with Nintendo japan. Theyre all very impressed and continue playing. On the 5th hole Trump stops and stares at his hand for a few minutes and later explains that he has tiny projectors in his fingers that make an image on his palm so he can always be able to check his e-mail. They are even more impressed by this and continue playing. Then, on the 9th hole Bill Gates pulls down his pants, squats on the grass and pulls a roll of toilet paper out of his golf bag. When he sees their shocked expressions he replies, " Don't worry guys. I'm expecting a fax!"

  • 08.10.2004 10:25 PM PDT
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Here's an old one.
Three drunk guys are on a stroll to the liquor store to get more vodka. After ambling around lost, they end up at the end of a presapice. After shouting about how they got lost, a shoving match ensued. One of the fella's triped over a rock. "Who put that piece pf shi..... Wait..that's no rock!" The drunkared proclaims. Rubbing the object clean, they realize it's a magic lamp, and no sooner do they notice, *Poof* a genie poped out. "Alas, thank you for freeing me, for this i will grant you each a wish", the genie bellowed. Pushing his way in front, One of the drunk's yelled "Me first, I released you!". "Very well, tell me what you want, then jump off this cliff, and your wish shall be granted." said the genie. " I want a huge pile of cash!" He said and jumped, landing in a enourmous pile of money. "Next"..." I want the most beautiful girls in the world!" the next man said, and leaped, landed amongst the most vivacious and scantly clad women in the world. "You what is your wish!" asked the genie. "well....hmm..i want..." He said as he walked to the cliffs edge peering off the edge, suddenly a rock gave way sending the man tumbling down screaming "CRAAAAAAAAP!"

  • 08.10.2004 10:34 PM PDT
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And here's 2 of my fav's:
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers; "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."She responds: "Well, let's see what we can do about that: One, You have to be single and two, you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says: "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says: "OK, pull into the next alley."He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. The nun asks: "My dear child, why are you crying?""Forgive me sister, but I've sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."The nun says: "That's, OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Costume Party."

Two sperm are swimming in a women''s body. One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, Just how far is the uterus anyway?" The second sperm begins to laugh and says, " The uterus!? We just past the esophogus."

HEHEHEHhohohoho! LOL ROLF. They get me every time.

  • 08.10.2004 10:37 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

An old Irishmen walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him three seperate shots of whiskey. The man drinks each one down and leaves. The man comes back the next day and orders the same thing. Curious, the bartender says " I can put those all in one glass you know". "No," the old man says. " Back in Ireland, me two brothers and I would all drink whiskey together and now that i'm here and theyre still in Ireland, this makes it feel like were all here together. One shot glass for each of us." This continues for a while until one day the old man asks for only TWO shot glasses of whiskey. When the bartender asks if something happened to one of his brothers the old man replies " No, No. Theyre fine. I've just decided to stop drinking".

  • 08.10.2004 10:44 PM PDT