- MCs Brother
- |
- Fabled Mythic Member
Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the -blam!- out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
And now for some groaners:
* NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.
* 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the
craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
* A women has twins, gives them up for adoption.
One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal"
The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal.
He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!!
If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"
* Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
created an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he
suffered from very bad breath.
This made him ....what?
(This is so bad it's good...)--a super callused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.