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  • Subject: Joke thread - Mods and users: post your best jokes!
Subject: Joke thread - Mods and users: post your best jokes!
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better yet

"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush

  • 08.11.2004 7:41 PM PDT
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lol i give up none of em fit

  • 08.11.2004 7:43 PM PDT
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too bad those two were the best

  • 08.11.2004 7:44 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

glad to see this is still going. the jokes are hilarious guys, keep em comin.

I got one:

How many drunks does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 15. one to hold it, and 14 to drink whiskey till the room spins

[Edited on 8/11/2004 8:41:32 PM]

  • 08.11.2004 8:41 PM PDT
Subject: Best jokes
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a guy walks into a bar and orders 3 shots. after he finishes with them, he pays, gets up, and leaves. the man repeats this for several days, which turn into weeks. eventually the bartender starts to become curious why this man always orders 3 shots. eventually the bartedner asks the man: "so why do you always order 3 shots?" the man replys: "well, before both of my other brothers went to college in london, we used to go to the bar and order a shot, one for each of us. i like to do this because it reminds me of all the good times i had with them. one shot equals one brother, and the third os me." the bartender understands this and, with satisfied curiosity, goes on with his life.

one day, however, the man walks in and only orders 2 shots. the bartender becomes worried and asks: "why only 2? did something happen to one of your brothers? sick, die? what?" the man looks at the bartender, smiles, and says: "no, my brothers are fine. i've just decided to stop drinking."

----

Yo momma so fat, she's starting to look like you.

----

a man walks into a bar and says "ouch"

----

one day at a bar, several big, burly norse people walk in, hottin and cherrin and order several rounds of beer. the bartender, curious, asks what the norse people what they are celebrating. one of them tell him: "we just finished a puzzle in 2 weeks!" the bartender asks, "so? whats so special about that?" the norse replies, "because on the side of the box it said 2-3 years!"

  • 08.11.2004 8:42 PM PDT

I'll be on my own side.

why do they have refried beans?? well,have you ever seen a Mexican get it right the first time??

  • 08.11.2004 8:47 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

hey moonman, i already posted that joke about the brothers, but other than that the jokes were great.

I like the norse one

  • 08.11.2004 8:47 PM PDT
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How many able bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1

What do you call an able bodied person on your doorstep? Whatever his name his.

  • 08.11.2004 8:49 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

New Rules everyone. Not real strict, I just didn't want this turned into a place to flame people. Think of it as a place to unwind and laugh.

RULES:

1. No repeating the same joke
2. No flaming no matter how bad the joke
3. Don't be afraid to post dirty jokes, were all mature enough to handle em

  • 08.11.2004 8:50 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

SIPPING VODKA


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the -blam!- out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

And now for some groaners:

* NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

* 2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the
craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

* A women has twins, gives them up for adoption.
One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal"
The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal.
He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!!
If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"

* Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
created an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he
suffered from very bad breath.
This made him ....what?
(This is so bad it's good...)--a super callused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.

  • 08.11.2004 8:57 PM PDT
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Posted by: MCs Brother
i already posted that joke about the brothers


oh, whoops. sorry about that. i didn't really read all of the jokes. i wanted to write the ones i was thinking of down before i forgot them.

here's one to make up for it (sorry again if it was already done):

a mexican, an irishman, and a blond man are all construction workers. its lunchtime. the mexican sits down, opens his lunchbox, pulls out a bean burrito, frowns, and says "if my wife packs me another bean burrito, i'm going to jump off this building". he eats his lunch and gets back to work.

the irishman opens his box and pulls out cabbage and beef, frowns, and says "if my wife packs me cabbage and beef one more time, i'm jumping too". he eats and goes back to work.

the blond guy opens his lunch box, finds a bolonga sandwich and says "if my wife packs me a bolonga sandwich one more time, i'm jumping too." he eats and goes back to work.

the next day, the three men sit down for lunch. the mexican pulls out a bean burrito, and jumps. the irishman pulls out cabbage and beef, and jumps. the blond guy finds a bologna sandwich, and jumps.

the next day at the funeral, the wives are all crying. the mexican's wife says "if i'd known he didn't like bean burritos, i never would have packed them!". the irishman's wife sobs "if i hadknown he didn't like cabbage and beef, i never would have given it to him". the blond's wife is the only one not crying. the irishman's wife looks over and asks "why aren't you crying?" the blond's wife responds, "don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."

  • 08.11.2004 9:17 PM PDT

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

Moonman, you have more than redeemed yourself.

that was great.

we need more blond jokes in here

  • 08.11.2004 9:19 PM PDT

I'll be on my own side.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. she stands next to the chair,eating a snack cake.The barber says to her, "Sweetheart,youre gonna get hair on your Twinkie" she responds "yes i know,and im gonna get boobs too."

  • 08.11.2004 9:30 PM PDT
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how do you confuse a blonde?
tell her to go pee in the corner of a circular room.

how does the blonde confuse you?
she tells you to find the corner she peed in.
----
why do people always call me moonman? its mooman. not that hard to leave out that extra "n", ya know. or do you need to go back to preschool? ...again?

EDIT: well, i'm in for the night. i'll be back for an encore presentation tomorrow afternoon. (as soon as i think of more good jokes...)

[Edited on 8/11/2004 9:34:53 PM]

  • 08.11.2004 9:31 PM PDT
Subject: Eww!
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What do you call a smart blonde?

You call it a golden retriever.

  • 08.11.2004 9:38 PM PDT
Subject: Best jokes

Devil is Double is Deuce and Joker always trumps Deuce.

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage, When
a
blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.
I've
lost it and need a new one."
The mechanic asked, "What function does the 710 perform in your car?"
She replied that she did not know, but this piece had always been
there.
Then he gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what
the
piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote
710.
He then took her over to another car which had it's hood up and
asked,
"Is
there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

(SEE PICTURE)

710

  • 08.11.2004 9:39 PM PDT
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A young man is talking his elderly father into moving into an old folks home. "Just give the place a chance, I'm sure you'll like it.", said the young man. "Oh alright.", said the old man and he moves in that very day. The next morning, the old man wakes up and notices he has morning wood when a gorgeous nurse walks in and without saying a word, gives the old man the best BJ of his life. When she leaves the old man calls his son to tell him all about it. " You were right, this place is great!", the old man says. "I'm glad you like it.", said the son. That afternoon, the old man was wandering the halls when he falls to the floor, unable to get up. He yells for help and a burly, hillbilly, orderly walks up to him and -blam!-s the old man in the ass, then leaves him there in a heap. The old man crawls to the nearest phone and calls his son. "You gotta get me outta here! This place is -blam!- nuts!", the old man says, and then tells his son about the ordeal. "That sounds bad, but you told me all about the nurse earlier. You just have to learn to take the good with the bad.", said the son. "You don't understand!", shouted the old man, "I get a boner once a month, but I fall down three or four times a day!"

  • 08.12.2004 12:05 AM PDT
Subject: Joke thread - Mods and users: post your best jokes!

We’ve watched while the stars burned
Out, and creation played in reverse.
The Universe freezing in half-light.
Once I thought to escape.
To end a master, step out of the
Path of collapse. Escape would make us God.
Yet I cannot help but remember one enigma,
A hybrid, elusive destroyer.
This is the one mystery I have not solved.
The only element unaccounted for.

Go to http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/world.htm (sorry about it not being sticky, I don't know how)

  • 08.12.2004 1:52 AM PDT
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A chinaman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender sees this parrot and says: "Thats quite cool, where did you get it from?"
To which the parrot replied: "China, there's bloody millions of them!"

What have sex in a canoe and Budweiser got in common?
Theyre both f-ing close to water....

How do you confuse a female archeaologist?
Hand her a used -blam!- and ask her which period it was from...

I grow bored of writing jokes for the time being, peace out y'all!

  • 08.12.2004 5:07 AM PDT
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ACTUAL quote from George W Bush!!

"The enemy is resoursful and intelligent, so are we. The enemy has no regard for the american citizens, neither do we."

he quickly corrected himslef, but its still funny!

  • 08.12.2004 9:10 AM PDT
Subject: Best jokes
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A blonde hated her life. She was gonna commit suicide. So one day she calls her brunette friends and says, im killing my self. the brunette comes to save her. So the brunette finds that the bathroom door is locked. She rams it down and finds the blonde hanging by her ankles. the brunette says, "well, christy, normally when people kill themselves they hang by their neck." Christy replies, "I know but when i tried that i couldnt breathe..."


Christy died the next day hanging her clothes

[Edited on 8/12/2004 9:18:57 AM]

  • 08.12.2004 9:12 AM PDT
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage, When
a
blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a
seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine.
I've
lost it and need a new one."
The mechanic asked, "What function does the 710 perform in your car?"
She replied that she did not know, but this piece had always been
there.
Then he gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what
the
piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote
710.
He then took her over to another car which had it's hood up and
asked,
"Is
there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

(SEE PICTURE)

710


LMAO

And for those of u too stupid to understand, its OIL written upside down

[Edited on 8/12/2004 9:15:23 AM]

  • 08.12.2004 9:14 AM PDT
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There are two muffins in a hot oven and the first muffin says, "Wow, sure is hot in here!" The second muffin said, "AHH! A talking muffin!"

  • 08.12.2004 9:58 AM PDT
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I didnt read all of them so dont know if this was posted but its not very well known one.

A man and his wife get into a serious car accident. When they get to the hospital the guy is ok with just minor scratches and bruises. He is sitting in the waiting room after being bandaged up and hasnt heard anything about how his wife is doing. Finally the doctor comes out and says i am sorry to tell you that your wife is paralyzed and will never walk again. So the guy breaks down in tears and then the doctor say "SIKE SHES DEAD"!!!

  • 08.12.2004 11:56 AM PDT