- Gr33n Knight
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- Exalted Heroic Member
Seems good so far. I did find a few mistakes.
The General sighed and muttered something about intellegiance reports and left the room with out a word. Without is one word. Nothing big.
With out his armor on, Gale felt like a ghost. Void of any physical restraints, able to take his augmented body pass the human limit. Three things here. Without, again, is one word. The second sentence is a fragment, neither "void of any physical restraints", nor "able to take his body pass the human limit" are complete. Also, it should be past the human limit, not pass.
I believe it should read:Without his armor on, Gale felt like a ghost. Void of any physical restraints, he was able to take his augmented body past the human limit.
Gale finally reached his small dimly lit room. One bed, one bath, and a small desk that acted as his work station. Few things here as well. It's missing a comma, and the second sentence is a fragment. Should be:Gale finally reached his small, dimly-lit room: one bed, one bath, and a small desk that acted as his work station.
Small triangle like objects massed themselves all over the planet, the sign of forerunner artifacts."triangle like" should be hyphenated (triangle-like).
"They havent sent back a report on the artifacts."
Karm Turmee, Vrutts second in command looked up from his work station. Apostrophe is missing; should be hyphenated. "They haven't sent back a report on the artifacts."
Karm Turmee, Vrutts second-in-command looked up from his work station.
"By what!?" Vrutt tightened his fist and made his way to Karm. "By what Zealot?" There should be a comma in the last part of this line. It sounds as if he is asking which Zealot destroyed the ship. Should be:"By what!?" Vrutt tightened his fist and made his way to Karm. "By what, Zealot?"
PFC James Lowher sat nervously in his seat. Watching his Sergeant stand arrogantly near the ramp of the pelican. The sunlight shining into the passanger cabin. James presumly thought he was staring at the outskirts below. He didnt mind this, for he already knew how the Sergeant was, quite. The men in the rest of the squad wouldnt adhere that comment, but James just shook his head. A few things here. There are a few fragments, "passanger" should be "passenger's", "presumly" isn't a word (I assume it is "presumably"?), "quite" should be "quiet" if I'm reading that right, wouldnt should be wouldn't, and I think it should be "adhere to that comment... Should be:PFC James Lowher sat nervously in his seat, watching his Sergeant stand arrogantly near the ramp of the pelican, the sunlight shining into the passenger's cabin. James presumably thought he was staring at the outskirts below. He didn't mind this, for he already knew how the Sergeant was, quiet. The men in the rest of the squad wouldn't adhere to that comment, but James just shook his head.
"Yes what is it Retch?" The Sergeant rolled up the sleeves on his combat fatigues reavealing a few tattoos and scars from battles before the covenant.
Retch looked nervously at his Assualt Rifle and sighed. "Whats going on Sarge? Rumor mill is that the covenant are attacking. I mean what happened to our orbital defenses?"
The Sergeant gripped the sling for his Battle Rifle and made his way to Retch.
"Yes, its the covenant alright and our orbital defenses? There probably smoldering peices of metal in space right now, but you now what private?" The Sarge paused himself thinking of his next words. "Your a damn UNSC marine, now live up to your title and man up."A few things here too, I'll underline the mistakes in my correction."Yes, what is it, Retch?" The Sergeant rolled up the sleeves on his combat fatigues, revealing a few tattoos and scars from battles before the Covenant.
Retch looked nervously at his Assualt Rifle and sighed. "What's going on, Sarge? Rumor mill is that the Covenant are attacking. I mean, what happened to our orbital defenses?"
The Sergeant gripped the sling for his Battle Rifle and made his way to Retch.
"Yes, it's the Covenant alright, and our orbital defenses? They're probably smoldering pieces of metal in space right now, but you know what, private?" The Sarge paused himself, thinking of his next words. "Your a damned UNSC marine, now live up to your title and man up."
"Alright then any other questions?" The Sarge looked around the cabin as nobody raised their hand. "Good, lets lock and load."
The men let out a heartfelt "Hoorah!" before departing the pelican and fanning out on a school yard playground. James
aimed his assualt rifle surveying his new surroundings, as the Sergeant tried to get combat orders. It seemed so peaceful...Same deal as before."Alright then, any other questions?" The Sarge looked around the cabin as nobody raised their hand. "Good, let's lock and load."
The men let out a heartfelt "Hoorah!" before departing the pelican and fanning out on a schoolyard playground. James aimed his assault rifle, surveying his new surroundings as the Sergeant tried to get combat orders. It seemed so peaceful...
"Covenant? What do you mean Covenant?" Gale looked suspicously at the General in front of him, then at his squad in the command centre. They seemed oddly innocent without their armor on.
"Yes, the Covenant." The General looked into the Spartan's deep brown eyes. "ONI presumes that they're here for the Jackals, but I think not." The general turned his gaze away from Gale and turned to the massive screen in the center of the room. A dazzling image of a Covenant battlecruiser looming over a city popped up. "They're attacking Hortgh City and not here, which wouldn't matter anyways, we're way too deep underground."
Gale nodded and scanned the image once more. "We're going to that city right, to help those civilians?"
"No, your objective is to get on board that cruiser via gravity lift and destroy it. Besides, we have boots on the ground, so the civilians are taken care of."
"A Tac-Nuke, or also known as a Fury Tactical Nuclear Weapon." The General pressed the button again, and the image of a small inflated-like ball appeared on the screen. "With a nuclear blast of 1.3 km this should be enough to take that ship down."
Gale nodded, easily understanding the plan. "And transportation, sir?"
"You will arrive via pelican dropship, two clicks away from the lift. I trust you and your team won't fail." The General pressed the button one last time, before giving the spartans one final nod and exiting the room.
Gale gave the General a quick salute and turned back to his team. "Suit up in ten and get to the pelican, we've got work to do.."
James watched as the blue, searing-hot blob of plasma struck the makeshift barricade and the splash damage struck a group of marines.
Now, they were stuck here hoping for reinforcements.
"Yes, sarge?" James felt himself panting as sweat trickled down his brow.
"Damn! Get to the east wing and find Sergeant Barron, he and his men should have the rocket launchers!"
He checked the ammo counter on assault rifle, he hadn't fired a shot since the engagement began. As James ran up the steps to the east wing and down the hall, he was violently struck on his side. The blow brought him down to his knees. Dropping his weapon, he felt the side of his body and tried to breath in.
The Warrior's blue armor gleamed agianst the light, while it pondered on how to kill James.
Taking aim with its plasma rifle, the elite fired. Blue plasma bolts streaked down the hall, nearly hitting the marine.
"Is that all you've got!?" The marine laughed at the elite."
The elite snarled once more and charged down the hall in rageThis failed, for the marine had friends hiding behind cover. A hail of bullets bounced off of the Elite's shield, making it flare and dissipate. After a few more seconds of concentrated fire the elite dropped to the floor: dead.
The marines made their way to James. All of them looked young and worn out. The marine from earlier came up to James and patted him on the shoulder.
"Damn son, you just survived an elite. I think you deserve a medal."
A bit of forced laughter came from the group of marines behind him.
"I'm Sergeant Miles Barron." Miles, a thirty-something that actually looked twenty, gave James a slight grin. "And you are?"
"James..... PFC James Lowher, I need your rockets now. Were taking a beating down below, Covenant wraiths and what-not."
Miles nodded and eyed the PFC. "Well, the thing is: we[ dont have any...."
"What? What do you mean?" James looked at Miles, a bit puzzled.
"Well, the other squad with them didn't make it." Miles shrugged. "But we do have some support coming in about an hour."
continued in next post...