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This topic has moved here: Subject: [Novel] The Conflict of Harvest-Chapter 7 complete
  • Subject: [Novel] The Conflict of Harvest-Chapter 7 complete
Subject: [Novel] The Conflict of Harvest-Chapter 7 complete
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Hello. I've been following you're story for a couple of days and, might I say, it's not to shabby (for someone your age). Anyhow, I'd like to comment on a few things:


Posted by: POMC S117 Owns
neither gettting the advantage or disadvantage


You accidentally placed three t's in "getting". Also, I strongly feel like if you said "neither receiving the upper hand" instead of "getting the advantage or disadvantage" would help the sentence flow a lot better.

That is all for now, and keep it up! ;)

  • 11.17.2010 10:59 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

Thanks. Typo, I'll change it. And don't feel shy about commenting. Post a reply if your reading. Also keep posting it'll be good to get an extra frequent reader.

[Edited on 11.17.2010 11:23 AM PST]

  • 11.17.2010 11:17 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Posted by: POMC S117 Owns
Thanks. Typo, I'll change it. And don't feel shy about commenting. Post a reply if your reading. Also keep posting it'll be good to get an extra frequent reader.


I certainly am not shy about posting, sir. I just had nothing to say until recently. :P

  • 11.17.2010 11:25 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

Ok. And no need to call me sir. Lol. :P

  • 11.17.2010 11:34 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Posted by: POMC S117 Owns
Ok. And no need to call me sir. Lol. :P


Just being polite. :P

Have you considered condensing your story into larger chapters? Or was it your intent to write in a short story fashion?

  • 11.17.2010 11:38 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

As the story gets bigger and has more contents I will make the chapters bigger.

  • 11.17.2010 11:45 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Posted by: POMC S117 Owns
As the story gets bigger and has more contents I will make the chapters bigger.


I was meaning more like combining chapters. They seem extremely small to me. Unless, like I stated previously, it was your intent to write in a short story fashion.

  • 11.17.2010 11:49 AM PDT

I was having trouble connecting the story between * but after reading it twice I under stand what happened now.

Yipip



And I see you made a new and very polite friend.
I see good things to come from him.

  • 11.17.2010 2:46 PM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Posted by: Axe11154
I was having trouble connecting the story between * but after reading it twice I under stand what happened now.

Yipip



And I see you made a new and very polite friend.
I see good things to come from him.


Thanks for the kind words :P

  • 11.18.2010 7:21 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

Yes I have a new friend, that brings the count up to 3: You Axe11154, Assualt Command and the polite one,Maelun. Right I'm gonna read Yipip now. And Maelun I won't be joining chapters but as I said before they will become alot bigger and better as the Novel grows. Oh and keep up the editing please, I really am grateful for it.

  • 11.18.2010 8:15 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Posted by: POMC S117 Owns
Yes I have a new friend, that brings the count up to 3: You Axe11154, Assualt Command and the polite one,Maelun. Right I'm gonna read Yipip now. And Maelun I won't be joining chapters but as I said before they will become alot bigger and better as the Novel grows. Oh and keep up the editing please, I really am grateful for it.


No worries here. I enjoy giving positive, constructive feedback and criticism when needed. :P

  • 11.18.2010 9:14 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

Thanks. The rest of Chapter 7 will be out today.

  • 11.18.2010 9:31 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Posted by: POMC S117 Owns
Thanks. The rest of Chapter 7 will be out today.


Stay on it ;)

  • 11.18.2010 9:51 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

Right it will be out in ten minutes.

  • 11.18.2010 10:18 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

Chapter 7 is finished. Yay. Chapter 8 next.

  • 11.18.2010 10:54 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Okay. First off, I liked it. There are just a few typos and some grammatical discrepancies:

In front of him was a large, pink panel of buttons that had an air of familiararity about it. He settled into the hard, cold, uncomftable seat and pressed a random button. The cockpit door slid closed. He peered at the panel, scrutinizing each button. There was 4 small green buttons, a wierdly shaped joystick, seven round blue buttons and the large red self-destruct button.

You should change "there was 4 small buttons" to "there were four small buttons." The use of was, is past-tense and you are speaking in the present. Consistency is key here. Note that you spelled out the word seven in the same sentence. Not a big deal but try and keep it consistent.

He tried out all the buttons carefully. Then the Phatom began to vibrate, half from a button being pressed and partly from the explosions combusting outside, and the engine began to flare. It lifted four feet off the stone, however it dropped to the ground.

Typo on "Phatom" in this paragraph.

However, it was there turn to laugh hysterically as a towering Elite Feild Marshal stabbed him through the leg. Malarek stumbled and fell painfully to the ground. He turned around to see his tyrannical, abhorred, huge assailiant stand over him with its Energy Sword drawn.

Change "it was there turn to laugh" to "it was their turn to laugh"

The Elite wailed and thrashed about, while Malarek scruched his face up in pain and bent over. Malarek looked down at his own body and spotted a Plasma Dagger lodged just above where the Elite had stabbed him previously.

Typo on "scruched".


"Don't worry, the Energy Sword only peirced the armour and your skin and so did the dagger. Also the wound is cauterised so you won't bleed to death." Said the Spartan, trying to comfort the dying soldier.


Typo on peirced. I before E except after C. Should be pierced.


[Edited on 11.18.2010 11:36 AM PST]

  • 11.18.2010 11:24 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

"Keep fighting Malarek!" He yelled, taking out a med-kid.

Small typo, I laughed a bit at this one. Med-kid should be changed to med-kit

He opened up the green box gingerly and took out a small, clear syringe and a larged roll of bandages.

Little typo. "Larged" should be changed to "large"

He watched as his friend and squad-mate, James Jameson, was tossed into a wall and impaled on a Spiker round. He saw Tommy Derelick yell and curse, fighting his way over to his pal. Fringlek done the same.

Change "was tossed into a wall" to "were tossed into a wall. Past and present discrepancy. Also, change "Fringlek done the same" to "Fringlek did the same" or "Fringlek had done the same".


[Edited on 11.18.2010 5:00 PM PST]

  • 11.18.2010 11:32 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

He emptied a whole magasine of Assualt Rifle bullets into a Brutes, badly-armoured chest and throw a Fragmentational Grenade at a group of bulky, raging Hunters. He ducked behind a column of white chalk and reloaded. He gave covering fire to a throng of civvies being harrassed by assailants.

Change "Fragmentational" to "Fragmentation". It flows and sounds better. Also, change "and throw" to "and threw".

"Sir," Radioed a Corpral curiously."We have a huge radiation spike in this area. I advise you to put on your Hazard Su-"

Small typo on "Corpral". Should be changed to "Corporal.

"Corpral." Whispered Fringlek into his comm." What is it."

Same thing as above here.


Sorry for all this but, I just wanted to bring it to your attention. Don't be discouraged by it. The only people not making mistakes are the ones not putting forth any effort. Keep up the good work! ;)

[Edited on 11.18.2010 11:38 AM PST]

  • 11.18.2010 11:35 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

Damn typos. Thanks for your help.

  • 11.18.2010 11:49 AM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Posted by: POMC S117 Owns
Damn typos. Thanks for your help.


That's what I'm here for :P

EDIT: Don't let me down now! I re-read through chapter 7 and still see those errors. I took a lot of time out of my day for this! Just kidding :P

[Edited on 11.18.2010 11:59 AM PST]

  • 11.18.2010 11:51 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

What. Still there. That is odd.

  • 11.18.2010 12:09 PM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

Posted by: POMC S117 Owns
What. Still there. That is odd.


Yeah, your errors have not disappeared. >.<

  • 11.18.2010 12:11 PM PDT
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.

As if what I have shown you isn't enough, I found another lol.

The Elite roared and de-cloaked while his squad-mates trained their weapons on the Spartan. The Spartan fired a burst of plasma at the Elite and watched the sheild shimmer and die. He walked over to the grey armoured Elite and smashed his head barbarically with his fists.

"And watched the sheild" should be "And watched the shield".

  • 11.18.2010 12:15 PM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. WTF. Seriously. Thats it I'm changing the Dictionary.

  • 11.18.2010 12:21 PM PDT

lol you guys are making some nice stuff in this cant wait

  • 11.18.2010 2:06 PM PDT