- Maelun
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- Senior Heroic Member
- gamertag: Maelun
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... Time to die.
Okay. First off, I liked it. There are just a few typos and some grammatical discrepancies:
In front of him was a large, pink panel of buttons that had an air of familiararity about it. He settled into the hard, cold, uncomftable seat and pressed a random button. The cockpit door slid closed. He peered at the panel, scrutinizing each button. There was 4 small green buttons, a wierdly shaped joystick, seven round blue buttons and the large red self-destruct button.
You should change "there was 4 small buttons" to "there were four small buttons." The use of was, is past-tense and you are speaking in the present. Consistency is key here. Note that you spelled out the word seven in the same sentence. Not a big deal but try and keep it consistent.
He tried out all the buttons carefully. Then the Phatom began to vibrate, half from a button being pressed and partly from the explosions combusting outside, and the engine began to flare. It lifted four feet off the stone, however it dropped to the ground.
Typo on "Phatom" in this paragraph.
However, it was there turn to laugh hysterically as a towering Elite Feild Marshal stabbed him through the leg. Malarek stumbled and fell painfully to the ground. He turned around to see his tyrannical, abhorred, huge assailiant stand over him with its Energy Sword drawn.
Change "it was there turn to laugh" to "it was their turn to laugh"
The Elite wailed and thrashed about, while Malarek scruched his face up in pain and bent over. Malarek looked down at his own body and spotted a Plasma Dagger lodged just above where the Elite had stabbed him previously.
Typo on "scruched".
"Don't worry, the Energy Sword only peirced the armour and your skin and so did the dagger. Also the wound is cauterised so you won't bleed to death." Said the Spartan, trying to comfort the dying soldier.
Typo on peirced. I before E except after C. Should be pierced.
[Edited on 11.18.2010 11:36 AM PST]