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This topic has moved here: Subject: New fan short story writer-please comment
  • Subject: New fan short story writer-please comment
Subject: New fan short story writer-please comment

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

Ok, this is my first fan fiction and it's only a short story. Hope everyone enjoys it.

New Harmony Drop

The atmosphere whipped at the pods as they fell from orbit. Heavy anti-aircraft fire hit some pods but the hits were few and far between. The Unggoy and Sangheili defending the ouitpost barely had time to bring their guns to bare before the 105th ODSTs hit the ground and began their assault.

Firing started on all sides of the building as the hardened ODST's charged the front line of defenders. Plasma and hot lead tore through the air and the light of these blasts gave the area a hellish coulouring as bullets and plasma found their mark.

One young Helljumper named James O'Reilly was throwing himself into the battle shooting at anything that didn't have friendly armour on their back. As he shredded a pair of unusually brave Unggoy helt felt a flash of heat on his neck and heard a comerade let out a bloodcurdling scream.

As he turned he saw a large Sangheili wielding an energy sword that had just sliced through his buddy. In a torrent of rage James slammed a new clip into his SMG and charged. The Elite saw him coming and swung his energy sword. but James was expecting that, and as the blade aced towards him he stepped inside it's reach and pumped a full clip into the beasts face. Alien blood mixed with that of his comerade on the muddy ground below as James finished off his prey with a swipe of his combat knife.

The rest of the Covenant were soon cleared from the base that but a week ago had been under the cotrol of New Harmonies Militia. After the battle there was no celebration, only roll call, these marines were to experianced to celebrate taking something they could lose at any moment.

Roll call was a grim affair, 5 men dead and a further 16 wounded, but when the formalities had ended the ODST's set out to build defences. You see these crack Helljumpers were behind enemy territory and were to hold this outpost until the fronline, and reinforcements, caught up to them.

Lines of fire were established around the area and sniper teams were stationed at the highest points in the compound. It was in one of these terams that James was stationed. Defences had just been finished and the single LAAG turret that could be spared to come with them had only just been placed, when the drone of a Banshee engine could be heard coming towards them. As the lone Banshee rose over the mountains to the west of the base all guns fired and as the LAAG turret hit it it seemed to be shredded in mid air. But the pilot who was aware that he would not make it out of here alive, turned the nose of his 'Shee down and went on a kamikaze run... Straight towards Jame and his partner. The two snipers fired desperately at the underside of the Banshee trying to force it to pull up. By some lucky chance, one of the shots from James' sniper hit the driver and knocked him from the craft. Without the Sangheili pilot's weight inside the machine it lifted a few feet and narrowly missed James' position. It crashed safely behind the compund without incident.

The regiment commanders believed that the craft was a scout for a convoy soon to come their way and so all personel were put on high alert.

The Helljumpers waited for days and had begun to grow complacent when the roar of choppers could be heard just over the hill. All the ODST's rushed to their stations and prepared for the attack. It took all of three seconds for things to turn sour.

10 choppers roared over the rise and raced towards the comound's chain link fence. Their wheel blades easily mowed down the chain and they moved into the base. Three Brutes were sniped from their choppers by James and the other snipers but the rest dismounted and charged the defensive line. 3 more brutes went down but 6 ODSTs were dead. The battle raged on until only the brute chieftan was left from the initial attack. All guns were firing at him and it seemed his shields would never drop when a well placed grenade rolled under him and blew him sky high.

As the soldiers gathered themselves and said a silent prayer, the rumble of tramping feet drifted towards them. And as the great covenant legion crested the hill they charged.

Grunts threw themselves forward as cannon fodder and slowly the took their toll on the Helljumpers. The ODSTs killed many Covenant but still they were outnumbered and being pushed back. As the defenders were pushed back to the Militia mess hall they set up a choke point with the turret in the doorway. Even as the attackers were being cut down as they charged, the ODST's were still losing men to well placed plasma bursts. The battle raged on for an hour and the ODST numbers had dropped well below thirty with 6 of the remainder too busy with wounded to help. James and the snipers still did heir bit up on the roof top but anyone could see it was a losing battle. They were just giving up hope when an explosion rocked the building and almost toppled James from his post.

Because of James' high vantage point he was the first to see the scorpion tanks come rolling over the hill, followed by warthogs and marching marines. The friendly forces poored in a mopped up the last Covenant. As the ODST's took their place in the marching column they began to sing a time honoured UNSC marching song.

"When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!
Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early moring 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble,
there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!
It's just my ghost on a PT run!

I hope everyone likes my first attempt at a fan fiction/short story and pleases, if you must criticise, constructive criticism only.





[Edited on 10.09.2010 2:21 PM PDT]

  • 10.09.2010 1:53 PM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

oh yeah, I forgot, I would appreciate it if commenters would tell me what needs to be better

  • 10.09.2010 2:47 PM PDT

I liked it. For a first time, this was good. There are of course some grammar, punctuation and spelling errors but those are trivial for now.

Nice work.

  • 10.09.2010 3:22 PM PDT

son
its a hell lot better then mine
The BlueDwarf
Im not even dun with it yet and Im already having troubles


you sir are ment to wright

however the placing and time would of been helpful to mention
as placing and time help keep the plot well ordered

  • 10.09.2010 3:44 PM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

thanks everyone, you Wolverfrog are my idol I really like your work

  • 10.09.2010 4:08 PM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

This is set during the covenant attack on New Harmony. The UNSC does eventually win the campaign and I'll post the details of where the planet is later

[Edited on 10.09.2010 4:15 PM PDT]

  • 10.09.2010 4:10 PM PDT

cool

  • 10.09.2010 4:18 PM PDT

Think you could help me with mine
(Fan Fic) The UNSC Frigate BlueDwarf
Not sure If its even good I have been in formed the plot is new and un seen but I think people were just being nice I need a true opinion

  • 10.09.2010 4:27 PM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

ok sure, I'd be happy to

  • 10.09.2010 11:49 PM PDT


Posted by: krocakilla28
ok sure, I'd be happy to

Thank you
Its not done yet but the first 3 chapters are

  • 10.10.2010 7:01 AM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

As promised, here is the exact details of the planet it is set on.
The planet is New Harmony and the time is unknown except that it is during the battle between the covvies and Admiral Whitcomb's forces, both on the ground and in orbit. The UNSC does win this battle and it is one of the few naval battles won by the UNSC during the war.

I hope this helped you Axe11154

  • 10.10.2010 2:30 PM PDT

Finding the love of my life, and moving house really screwed up my gaming orientated lifestyle.

Nice story, you've inspired me to go back and finish my fan-fic' :D

  • 10.10.2010 2:36 PM PDT

sounds good oh hears the link


sorry for forgetting the link last time



[Edited on 10.10.2010 4:26 PM PDT]

  • 10.10.2010 4:24 PM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!


Posted by: xRedFangKnightx
Nice story, you've inspired me to go back and finish my fan-fic' :D


Thanks xRedFangKnightx that means alot

  • 10.11.2010 2:04 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

I like it and could you read my Fan-Fic and comment please.
Its called "Conflict of Harvest".

[Edited on 10.11.2010 2:09 AM PDT]

  • 10.11.2010 2:08 AM PDT

POMC S117 Owns owns

And is there gonna be a second chapter.

  • 10.11.2010 2:09 AM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

ok will do.

  • 10.11.2010 1:51 PM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

I looked at it and it's really good people should check it out.
Conflict of Harvest

  • 10.12.2010 2:20 PM PDT