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This topic has moved here: Subject: Graverobber: a fanfic ***Halo Reach Spoilers***
  • Subject: Graverobber: a fanfic ***Halo Reach Spoilers***
Subject: Graverobber: a fanfic ***Halo Reach Spoilers***

Hey everyone, well this is my first fan-fic so if your still intending to read a rookie write get ready to read a story that'll make you cry from it's atrocious grammar!

Things you need to know:

-Characters-
Yes, I know my main protagonist is supposed to be dead, but hey it's a fan-fic. If you haven't guessed I'm talking about N6. Also many assumed dead members of Red Team will play an integral part of this story.

-Point Of View-
The point of view (POV) changes a lot! Don't worry though, I always list whose point of view it is at the start of the chapter e.g.

Chapter:
POV: (insert name here)

Well if your still reading get ready for your eyes to bleed from trauma, you have been forewarned and I take no responsibility for the bodily harm this story causes you :P
(also if your still alive feedback would be nice.)

Prologue:
August 21. 2553

Hacking..........
Hacking......
Hacking...

....ONI COMMS successfully infiltrated....

<<The Flood's No longer a threat in this arm of the galaxy, not for a while.<<

>>We're not here to discuss that. What we're here to discuss is WHY they aren't a threat anymore. Why weren't there any backups?>>

<<Gravemind backups, sir? You mean proto-graveminds?<<

>>Exactly. The Gravemind was not stupid nor was he arrogant enough to dismiss the possibility of his destruction.>>

<<Meaning?<<

>>Someone or Something killed them all.>>

<<Bu- wait...... Someone's hacked our COMMS!<<

>>Well, let's take care of that.>>

....Link Terminated....

Chapter 1: Demon
POV: Kesa Telamee
August 30. 2552

Kesa surveyed the area "This is no Battlefield," he reflected solemnly " This is a massacre." The Field Marshall looked to the Horizon for comfort but there was no Horizon to comfort him, instead gruesome mounds of corpses each at least as tall as the ruins of the low lying buildings. Amongst the corpses were, like him Sangheili. Kesa mourned for his fallen brothers. He shook his head vigorously "No, I must focus on the task at hand" Quickly he ran past the carnage glimpsing ghost, wraiths and even spirit and phantom drop ships. Not for the first time he contemplated how this human, no this DEMON, had felled so many of these mighty transports. "Finally." he muttered under his breath. Kesa could see the source of this mess, the source of his mourning. The Demon, its helmet was flung to the side and it seemed to wield a fully automatic rifle in one hand and a sidearm in the other but it seemed the beast was in its final throes. Four of his zealots tried to subdue the monster but fell two of them fell to its onslaught. Those were but two of the many Sangheili corpses at its feet. "Those are my soldiers" he chocked. Suddenly sorrow threatened to overwhelm him but then his sorrow turned to pure, burning hatred. "Honour or no honour the Demon will die TODAY!" he crashed into the melee, shots were fired, punches were thrown but the human held then, the inevitable happened: The Demon was knocked onto his back, but the human still refused to cave in blocking stabs and slashes until Kesa was at the perfect angle. For some odd reason his unlce's dying words came back to him: "Remember, honor." " I am sorry uncle." Kesa thrust out his hand but the final blow was never delivered. A loud crack split the silence. Pain, he felt it through both his knees and collapsed from it. "SNIPER!" one of the zealots cried before loosing half his face. The other one succumbed to the same fate. Kesa looked across to see the Demon. "Those eyes," he thought "No human should have those eyes."
The Demon brought his boot to Kesa's face and all he saw, was darkness.

POV: Noble Six

He was beginning to black out and he knew it. Three armored figures approached. "That elite's still alive," the one in front said in a commanding voice. Their leader than. "Take him with us he might have some valueable info." "How about him sir?" a female voice asked, pointing at Six. "We don't leave people behind." Noble Six mustered the last of his strength to ask: "Who are you?" the last thing he heard before blacking out from his plasma burns was " Us? were Red Team. Or what we think is left of them."

Chapter one End





[Edited on 10.09.2010 8:24 PM PDT]

  • 10.09.2010 7:40 PM PDT

The Razor.

For the honour of the Mirratord.

Not bad for a first attempt; I've seen a lot worse.

But you need to work on your paragraphing, since it is virtually non-existent. You have to leave a whole line in between paragraphs and lines of speech. This breaks your story up into chunks, therefore avoiding the dreaded "wall o' text", and making it much easier to read.

Your story also seems to be made up almost entirely of speech. You should bring in a LOT more description in order to keep this interesting and to give a clearer image of what is happening. What should you describe? This stuff: what the characters see, hear, smell, taste, touch etc. But also what they think about the situation, the other characters, and themselves.

This would help in another area your story is lacking: character development. Granted, Noble Six isn't exactly the most interesting character in the world (but that's partly your fault for choosing to write a story about him), but you must develop his character more so that we learn more about him and makes us care about him. This gives the reader an emotional hook that makes them care about the story and what happens to the character. But you should also make them flawed, like real human beings are, because otherwise they are not interesting or realistic.

There were also quite a few grammar issues, but your spelling was fine. Sentence structure and vocabulary could have been a bit more varied though.

Overall though, a solid effort :) Well done. Don't be put off by my criticisms; use them to make the next chapter better.

  • 10.10.2010 3:33 AM PDT


Posted by: Mr Evil 37
Not bad for a first attempt; I've seen a lot worse.

But you need to work on your paragraphing, since it is virtually non-existent. You have to leave a whole line in between paragraphs and lines of speech. This breaks your story up into chunks, therefore avoiding the dreaded "wall o' text", and making it much easier to read.

Your story also seems to be made up almost entirely of speech. You should bring in a LOT more description in order to keep this interesting and to give a clearer image of what is happening. What should you describe? This stuff: what the characters see, hear, smell, taste, touch etc. But also what they think about the situation, the other characters, and themselves.

This would help in another area your story is lacking: character development. Granted, Noble Six isn't exactly the most interesting character in the world (but that's partly your fault for choosing to write a story about him), but you must develop his character more so that we learn more about him and makes us care about him. This gives the reader an emotional hook that makes them care about the story and what happens to the character. But you should also make them flawed, like real human beings are, because otherwise they are not interesting or realistic.

There were also quite a few grammar issues, but your spelling was fine. Sentence structure and vocabulary could have been a bit more varied though.

Overall though, a solid effort :) Well done. Don't be put off by my criticisms; use them to make the next chapter better.


Thank you for the constructive criticism! I'll probably edit the first chapter and take your advice into account when I continue writing, so ya again thanks for the advice ^.^

  • 10.10.2010 8:32 AM PDT