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  • Subject: Prelude
Subject: Prelude
  • gamertag: idthvc
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This is a prelude to my story.

The Sangheili Major, Ramo' Randjamee, stood atop a hill, red armor glistening in the two dwarf stars overhead. He turned his head over his shoulder and glared at the three unggoy stumbling over their feet as the climbed up the hill. He then slid down the left side to the D77H-TCI Pelican. He started at the gaping hole in the side of the Pelican that was created by a Covenant AA turret. An unggoy bumped into his leg as it hit the bottom of the hill. With one quick motion, He ordered the three to move around to the right and then moved to the left himself. As he went around the nose of the ship he looked into the cockpit seeing the three begin to climb into the bay of the pelican. As he walked down the side towards the bay, he heard three consecutive clicks followed by three consecutive thuds. Quickly, he ran to the back of the pelican and only saw streaks of blue blood. He grabbed his plasma rifle and aimed it at the corners. As he got to the door to the cockpit he saw the unggoy and had realized what happened. He opened his maw and tried to turn around. Before he could turn an M6C/SOCOM was jammed into his jaw and fired. A hole blew open in the back of the elites head and it quickly fell to the floor. I shady figured stepped into the door frame. It turned off it armor revealing a network of neatly spaced photo reactive camouflage panels. The 6'4 male stood over the elite and cleaned his hand and weapon. He took off his helmet revealing a scared face with a light 5'0 clock shadow. The helmet resembled a mix of an ODST helmet and a scout helmet. Another man only 5'10 stepped behind him holding the M7S sub machinegun. The larger turned to him and said "Secure any ammo or explosives then rig the pelican and let's go." The larger man than walked up to the pilots control console, Plugged in, and downloaded all information from the pelican.

Im thinking of righting a story about a SOF for the UNSC SOC that goes by the name "Quick Aggressive Reconnaissance Team" or "QART" I'm thinking somthing a bit mor full length and maybe even better written. so you tell me continue the story?

  • 10.09.2010 9:48 PM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

it sounds pretty good and I would like to hear more. I am also wanting to find out if I should continue writing my first short fan fiction on this link:
New Harmony Drop

  • 10.10.2010 12:53 AM PDT

One major problem with your writing:

It's like a list.

"He did this. Then he saw that. Then he moved and looked at it."

Etcetera.

Try to make your writing flow smoother; use colons and semi-colons instead of periods where suitable, and use more connectives. Writing should be fluid, not disjointed and broken up. That doesn't make for enjoyable reading.

  • 10.10.2010 1:00 AM PDT

When I die please bury me deep!
Place an MA5 down by my feet!Don't cry for me, don't shed no tear!
Just pack my box with PT gear!
'Cuz one early morning 'bout zero-five!
The ground will rumble, there'll be lightning in the sky!
Don't you worry, don't come undone!It's just my ghost on a PT run!

I agree with Wolverfrog

  • 10.10.2010 1:14 AM PDT
  • gamertag: idthvc
  • user homepage:


Posted by: Wolverfrog
One major problem with your writing:

It's like a list.

"He did this. Then he saw that. Then he moved and looked at it."

Etcetera.

Try to make your writing flow smoother; use colons and semi-colons instead of periods where suitable, and use more connectives. Writing should be fluid, not disjointed and broken up. That doesn't make for enjoyable reading.


Yea I noticed that as I wrote...

  • 10.10.2010 7:03 AM PDT

just saying but the sould be they

Besides that good story
In future telling's inform the date and placing so readers can get a grasp or what might be going on. Like how if its in the Humans vs covie war or the covie civil war or a time after both

  • 10.10.2010 7:14 AM PDT