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Subject: [Novel] Helljumpers (Part 6 now complete!)
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

Now I know not many people will bother reading this after that stupid stunt I pulled trying to be funny, so if you read this don't expect new chapters till next year. Sorry if this is dissapointing to some people.


The story of 7 ODSTs who are sent in to a city on the planet known as Harvest during the year of 2542, their mission: Take out a Covenant vehicle factory/re-fueling station, but encounter casualties and heavy resistance along the way.

I'm going to put some links to each chapter once I figure out how to, so until then, you're going to have to get to them manually.

If you read this, post a comment, or...
















I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!









So this is my first time writing a story, so here it is.
And if you read this, please post.

Helljumpers: Part 1: Prepare To Drop

Some say war is nessecary, some say it is not, some say it is only as just as it's causes and reasons. John Stevenson thought it was a big load of crap. Here he was, once an average guy doing an average job, then he enlisted into the UNSC thinking that he would be stopping some rebels and insurgents. He also realised that was a big load of crap too, he enlisted 7 days before Contact Harvest, when Humanity met the Covenant for the first recorded time, the disasterous first meeting went very badly when the Covenant became enraged at the Humans for not giving them "Artifacts". Humanity discovered 4 things that day, 1: There was life other than themselves, 2: Those aliens were violent when enraged, 3: Some of those aliens could destroy vehicles and deflect rockets and missiles, 4: Some of those aliens liked to eat Humans.


So here he was, an ODST on the Marathon Class Cruiser Winter Scourge, about to drop onto a Covenant held section of Harvest that also used to be a UNSC Army base, now a Covenant vehicle factory and re-fuelling station. To give a clear mental picture of him, he has a UA/CNM ODST helmet, the basic equipment, except he also has a Tactical/TacPad for a wrist permutation. A red light began to blink in his barracks rest room, "Well I guess break time is over" he thought as he walked to the armory. When he arrived, some of his squad-mates where already getting in their pods, but others were getting their weapons, equipment, and helmets, and a few were even getting jet-packs.

As he walked over to get his weapons and ammunition, he saw three of his squad-mates, Tech, the smart guy, Rookie, a young guy about 18 or 19 years old, and Texas, one of two squad snipers, which is ironic since he is the best CQC guy on the squad, getting their weapons and helmets, and when they were snapping on their helmets after each other one by one, they became faceless war machines.

"Let me get this straight, you plan on their being CQC, and your not bringing a shotgun, but you're going to use an Assault Rifle?!" Rookie said.

"Well think, the shotgun reloads slowly, can't fire effectivly at mid-range, and has low ammunition, while the MA5B has more than 600 rounds, is effective at close to mid-range, and can shred armor and mutilate anything that isn't metal or rock." was Texas's reply.

"Personnaly, I think you both should shut up and get in your pods." was how Lt. Colonel Sainders ended the conversation.

Tech was a Captain, Texas was a Warrent Officer, like Stevenson, and Rookie was a PFC, the squad was split into two even halves of 7, with Tech, Texas, Rookie, Sainders, and Stevenson with two others on team Delta, the other team was named Bravo.

"Well troopers, we are about to drop feet first into hell, but what are we!" Said the Lt. Colonel.

"We are green, and very, very mean!" was the squad's reply.




Tell me what you think, and I will give thanks to wolverfrog for his amazing stories that inspired me to write my own. The next part will be tommorow if I can clear my schedule.

[Edited on 11.16.2010 10:07 AM PST]

  • 10.19.2010 10:56 AM PDT
Subject: Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

Wow did no one like this?

  • 10.19.2010 2:27 PM PDT
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I liked it but you need better names. Frankly, they are all stolen from something else. Other than that it's very good

  • 10.19.2010 2:36 PM PDT
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Better names.

  • 10.19.2010 2:38 PM PDT

Cliche beginning to talk about war, and capitals make me shout in my head, for emphasis use italics instead.


The phrase 'here he was' shouldn't be used in the context you are using, it distances you from the character.

The grammar looks ok other than the lack of space between the speech at the end of the first part.


As he walked over to get his weapons and ammunition, he saw three of his squad-mates, Sketch, the tech guy, Rookie, a young guy about 18 or 19 years old, and Texas, one of two squad snipers, which is ironic since he is the best CQC guy on the squad, getting their weapons and helmets.


That last phrase 'getting their weapons and helmets' would be more effective on a re-worded separate sentence,

For example:
...best CQC guy in the squad. They were reaching for their equipment, becoming faceless figures as they clicked their helmets on one by one.


That was just a quick Steadit from me, you looked lonely in this thread. Looking good so far, nice to see the Rookie, but I would keep his strong but silent attitude and make him speak minimally, use his thoughts to convey meanings to the reader.

I am looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

:)

  • 10.19.2010 2:44 PM PDT
Subject: [novel] Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

actually this isn't the Rookie, remember there are probably more rookies on ODST teams, and I will change Sketch's name, but its either Texas or Sureshot, I thought Texas sounded more awesome, and I did not take that from RT.

[Edited on 10.21.2010 1:19 PM PDT]

  • 10.19.2010 3:47 PM PDT
Subject: Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

Fix #1 is done, now to find a new name for Sketch, that name was rushed and also the first name I could think of, plus I figured since he was a tech guy and wrote maps and stuff like that, plus I was going to make a mention that he used to be an artist before he enlisted.

  • 10.19.2010 3:57 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

OK I'm about to write part 2, please tell me you guys are still interested.

  • 10.19.2010 4:01 PM PDT
Subject: [Novel] Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

Helljumpers: Part 2: Feet First Into Hell


Stevenson heard the four beeps which signaled he was being dropped.

"Hey, Stevenson" said Gunny.

He was the Gunnery Sarge of the group, also the heavy weapons expert, he wore the basic ODST armor with a few upgrades he made for extra body armour, he mainly used a Spartan Laser, an SMG, and carried a Machine Gun Turret.

"Yes honey?"

"Try not to puke this time, you don't want to be like our Rookie, do you?".

"Hey Tech, betcha 14 bucks I can land on land on a Covie." Texas said.

"You got yourself a deal".

They went into Harvest's atmosphere, Texas started to shift his course. They could now see the city they were supposed to land in.

"The place is crawling with Covies!" said Rookie.

"Well what did you expect!" said Sainders

"Is it even safe to land?!"

"Does the term 'Feet First Into Hell' mean ANYTHING to you?!" said the Lt. Colonel when he finished the conversation.

"Well here it comes, another landing and another headache." thought John as he went under the level of the buildings. "Alohah alien -Blam!-tards!" said Texas as he crashed through a Phantom Dropship that was using it's three plasma cannons to attack a UNSC Trooper outpost, he then crashed into a AA Wraith, instantly shattering it, the nearby Grunts looked at the pod in fear, the door popped open, splattering an unlucky Grunt, Texas walked out, cutting down the Grunts with his MA5B as they ran screaming,

"Hey Tech" said Texas over his helmet speaker.

"What?"

"You owe me 14 bucks.".

"Scarab!" said Delta 7 as he crashed into a building near it. "I can't get out!" he cried, the Scarab V.2 noticed him, it was charging it's beam to fire, "WORK DAMN IT!" he yelled as he tried to open it, but it was too late. The Scarab fired at his SOEIV, he screamed as it incinerated him and his Drop Pod.

Stevenson landed in the same area as Sainders, Jake, Rookie, and Gunny, which also was a Covenant HQ. The fight was furious.

"Gunny, take out that Spectre!" commanded Sainders.

"Yes sir!" replied Gunny as he charged his Spartan Laser, it fired and hit the Spectre's engine, destroying the vehicle and killing everything within 14 feet of it. A squad of Army Troopers joined the fight. After most of the HQ forces were dead, a Phantom Dropship dropped off three Elites. "Zealots!" yelled one of the Army Troopers, right before he was charged by one of them, then stabbed by an Energy Stave. The other two Zealots charged, Gunny shot at one with his Spartan Laser, with it skimming the top of it's shoulders, de-activating it's shields, then finishing it off with his SMG. The other Zealot screamed in it's own language, shot a Trooper in the face with a burst of plasma fire, then threw it's Plasma Repeater at the face of another, it drew two Energy Swords, then charged the rest of the Army Trooper squad, beheading one and then kicking another in the face, chopped another in half, slid under one while he cut it's groin, stomach and any other vitals else it touched, jumped up and kicked another then stabbed two more, but was sniped by Texas, who had just arrived. The last Zealot recognized defeat and stabbed the last Trooper to get to a nearby Hornet, "Shoot him down Gunny!" yelled Sainders, Gunny charged his Spartan Laser and scored a direct hit on the cockpit of the VTOL.

"Casualty report!" Lt. Colonel Sainders said loudly.

"Doc got unlucky sir, he was incinerated by a Scarab, sir." reported Stevenson.

"Command, we have an ODST casualty and 12 Army Troopers KIA, but we destroyed a Covenant HQ and killed three Zealot Class Elites." said Sainders over the Helmet speaker.

"Good job Delta 1, we're sending a Pelican to pick you and your team up to rendevous with Bravo team." announced the Commander of the Winter Scourge.



Well thats it until tommorow. Tell me what you think.

[Edited on 10.25.2010 6:50 PM PDT]

  • 10.19.2010 5:45 PM PDT
Subject: Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.


Posted by: steadman
Cliche beginning to talk about war, and capitals make me shout in my head, for emphasis use italics instead.


The phrase 'here he was' shouldn't be used in the context you are using, it distances you from the character.

The grammar looks ok other than the lack of space between the speech at the end of the first part.
Don't ban me

As he walked over to get his weapons and ammunition, he saw three of his squad-mates, Sketch, the tech guy, Rookie, a young guy about 18 or 19 years old, and Texas, one of two squad snipers, which is ironic since he is the best CQC guy on the squad, getting their weapons and helmets.


That last phrase 'getting their weapons and helmets' would be more effective on a re-worded separate sentence,

For example:
...best CQC guy in the squad. They were reaching for their equipment, becoming faceless figures as they clicked their helmets on one by one.


That was just a quick Steadit from me, you looked lonely in this thread. Looking good so far, nice to see the Rookie, but I would keep his strong but silent attitude and make him speak minimally, use his thoughts to convey meanings to the reader.

I am looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

:)


Thanks for the tips, I just fixed the first part

[Edited on 10.19.2010 6:10 PM PDT]

  • 10.19.2010 5:48 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

please tell me you guys didn't lose interest, this is the good part. But for those who haven't, thanks :)

  • 10.19.2010 5:55 PM PDT

-Gr33n Knight

My stories:

Streams of Fire

Jiralhanae

I don't have time to read it all at the moment, but from what I saw, I think the phrases: "said the ___" and "was the team's reply" are used a bit too often, and sound kinda strange. It almost throws off the flow of the sentences...

  • 10.19.2010 7:35 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

Ya I was worried about that, I tried my best and was hoping no one would realise that

  • 10.19.2010 7:37 PM PDT

-Gr33n Knight

My stories:

Streams of Fire

Jiralhanae

dialog can be tricky, I don't think I write it that well, but nobody's really complained so far though.

  • 10.19.2010 7:43 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

just fixed it as best as I could, I'm not Wolverfrog, so its a bit, bad when it comes to that. But what did you mean by Posted by: Gr33n Knight
I don't think I write it that well, but nobody's really complained so far though.


[Edited on 10.19.2010 7:46 PM PDT]

  • 10.19.2010 7:46 PM PDT

-Gr33n Knight

My stories:

Streams of Fire

Jiralhanae

Posted by: Ktan Dantaktee
just fixed it as best as I could, I'm not Wolverfrog, so its a bit, bad when it comes to that. But what did you mean by Posted by: Gr33n Knight
I don't think I write it that well, but nobody's really complained so far though.

I was saying that I personally don't think I'm great with dialog, but nobody that has read my fic so far has complained. And if nobody comments, don't worry, Wolverfrog and the guys with established stories have a large following, and get a bunch of comments. When you start out, you usually get next to nothing. My fic has been going for about a month and a half, and I think I've had about five people comment on it.

  • 10.19.2010 7:53 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

could you post a link to your story, I would love to see it.

  • 10.19.2010 7:56 PM PDT

-Gr33n Knight

My stories:

Streams of Fire

Jiralhanae

well here you go...

  • 10.19.2010 8:01 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

I read some of it and then saved the thread, it looks like a pretty good story so far

  • 10.19.2010 8:07 PM PDT

-Gr33n Knight

My stories:

Streams of Fire

Jiralhanae

thanks, I'll keep an eye on this too.

  • 10.19.2010 8:09 PM PDT
Subject: [Novel] Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

Helljumpers: Part 3: On The Blood Of Our Fathers, On The Blood Of Our Sons.

Onboard Covenant Supercarrier Flames of Judgement
"War is beautiful", thought H'kad Mantean'ee as he walked over to the command bridge. "I cannot think of anything that is better, look at what it has done for me. I am an Ultra, and command my own team of Sangheili elite shock troopers.

"Hello brother, what can I do for you for you?" said G'las Rundenk'ee, the Fleetmaster of the Fleet of Cleansing Flame.

"I would like the coordinates for where me and my team will be landing."

"Well you will be the only one of your team to drop by our orbital insertion. Unless you wish to travel with your team?",

"Yes oh great Fleetmaster, I would prefer to travel with my team to ensure their safety."

"Very well then brother, may you and your team travel in safety. A Phantom dropship should be waiting for you in the hanger."


Back on Harvest
"Sir, how much longer is this going to take?"

"Rookie, do you think I know everything?"

"No sir", "Then why the hell would you ask me that?! What do I look like, the pilot?!"

"I was just asking sir"

"Rookie, Shut up."

"We're here" said the pilot over the radio.

"Get ready!" said Sainders.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Arm yourselves my brothers, we are about to cleanse this world of many demons and heretics!" said H'kad Mantean'ee.

"Huuuaaahhh!" replied his team happily

"For the Journey!" said one of his men.

"Get in the Assault Phantom my brothers!"

"Is everyone onboard?" he asked,

"Yes sir!". He began to sat an extract from the Covenant Writ of Union.

"When we joined the Covenant, we took an oath"

"Reporting to our station, all without exception"

"On the blood of our fathers, on the blood of our sons, we swore to uphold the Covenant!"

"Even to our dying breath!"

"Those who would break this oath are heretics! Worthy of neither pity nor mercy!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sir, we got an Assault Phantom inbound!"

"OK, Stevenson, get on that Grenade Launcher Turret, Gunny, help h" Sainders was cut off by an explosion

"ENGINES ARE HIT! WE'RE GOING DOWN! MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY! BRACE YOURSELVES, WE"RE GOING IN HOT!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Good shot brother! N'has, G'jok, man those Fuel Rod Turrets!"

"Yes Sir!" they replied.

"Ultra, they are hit and are about to crash!"

"Good, that is a few less vermon to waste our energy on. Land us in that garden pilot!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Uhhhhh, well that sucked!" said John.

"Well, I never would have guessed that!" replied Texas.

"Both of you shut up." commanded Sainders,

"Tech, casuallty count!"

"The pilot died on impact, and looks like most of the troopers fell out while we were going down, the Brutes probably got to them as soon as the hit the ground, hopefully they died when they hit the ground, would have been less painful."

"Lets get moving Delta! We have to meet up with Bravo!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You, Unggoy! Where is your commanding officer?"

"Me know not, I'm looking for him, and enjoying this food I found at a human building called Subway. But watch out, I saw a demon."

"And why did you not try to kill it!"

"It was a demon! Plus it was busy beating the crap out of a pack of Jiralhanae so I figured it wouldn't want to be disturbed. WAIT, THERE IT IS, DEMON!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Sir, looks like a group of Grunts, permission to engage" asked Gunny.

"Fire at will"

"AHHHH! Imps, run for it!" cried the Grunts as Texas and Gunny cut them down. One managed to get away, "Follow that thing, don't let it sound an alarm!" Gunny and Texas chased the Grunt, but it suddenly turned around and said "Surrender at once, and your pathetic heathan lives will be spared!"

"Haha, you and what army!"

"That army!" the Grunt replied as a Scarab and four Hunters walked out from an intersection.



[Edited on 10.25.2010 6:52 PM PDT]

  • 10.20.2010 7:36 AM PDT
Subject: Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

So how did you guys like that, I enjoy feedback so I can improve my stories

  • 10.20.2010 8:06 AM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

anyone? wow I failed pretty epic, and the next was going to be a fight scene.

  • 10.20.2010 9:12 AM PDT
Subject: [Novel] Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

Well here it is if anyone still likes this, and sorry for the un-inventive title.

Helljumpers: Part 4: Warriors

"By the gods! Fire!" Commanded H'kad Mantean'ee.

"Very bad things!" cried the Grunt right before he was punched and thrown into a water hydrant, instantly killed by the force of the throw.

"J'tad, watch out brother!"

"What?!" replied the Elite before he was punched in the face.

"You shall pay for that you vermon!"

"OK I'm cool with that, you can have my knife since you guys don't take American Express." replied the Spartan right before he stabbed the Elite in his eye socket.

"You dare kill one of my brothers?! You will die for that!" Yelled H'kad as he activated his swords like the rest of his team. "Crap" thought the Spartan III
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"How the hell are we supposed to stop that thing?!"

"I have no clue Rookie. Anyone have a Target Locator?" asked Texas.
"No, but I have a plan. Gunny, how many shots do you have left on your Splazer?" asked Sainders.

"About four."

"Good, thats all we'll need. Shoot the main gun!"

"Yes sir, charging, fired!"

"Now the AA gun up top, shoot it's supports!"

"Charging, fired!"

"Good, now lets reload and get around back, but when we're done, Rookie, Tech, Texas, and Stevenson, you handle the Hunters anyway you guys want, just keep them off me and Gunny."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hold it down so I may smithe it's heathen heart!" commanded H'kad.

"We are trying our best mighty Ultra, but it is a demon."

"Just hold it down!" said H'kad.

"Nevermind, I'll do it myself" he said as he kicked the Spartan in the face and grabbed him by the throat.

"Now to rid this planet of another heathen. You will die for killing my brother you heretic!"

The Spartan tried to stab him with a knife like he did to the last Elite, but was grabbed by the wrist by his captor.

"That will not work on me you weak waste of flesh!", he then twisted the Spartan's arm back and made him stab himself.

"May you burn in hell demon!" cried H'kad as he slammed the Spartan into the pavement and began to tighten his grip to choke the Spartan, and continued to choke him for a solid 14 seconds, before stabbing him in the chest with his Energy Sword.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"OK sir, we're in position."

"Well then open fire." said Sainders.

"OK Gunny shoot the back of that Scarab off, we need to finish this fight, more Covies are probably on their way as we speak!"

"OK sir, charging, fired!", two of the Hunters suddenly rushed them and pinned them down, "Guys get those Hunters off of us! We can't take this thing out if were getting shot to bits!"

"We're on it sir." replied Texas as he reloaded his Sniper Rifle to take another shot at a Hunter.

"OK firing, nobody get close to that Hunter!"

"Ya, like we were not already doing that. No, we want to give it a big group hug so it can clobber us with it's 1 ton shield."

"Shut up Stevenson" replied Texas as he fired a round at a Hunter's un-armoured back four times, cutting it in half with the 50. calliber rounds, it then tried to crawl towards Sainders and Gunny, only to be shot again by Texas, the other Hunter deicided to retreat, but was torn apart like it's bond brother.

"Gunny, finish that thing off!" "Yes sir, charging, firi" he was cut off and nearly missed the Scarab's generator. The Covenant had sent in three Corvettes and were now bombarding the city.

"Command"

"Yes?"

"We have trouble" said Sainders as he watched 2 cruisers enter atmosphere and began deploying Assault Phantoms, Banshees, Assault Spirits, and Vampires, and then began deploying V.2 Scarabs and dropships carrying vehicles of all kinds.

"Big trouble."

Bum bum bum, cliffhanger. Tell me what you guys think so far, I would like some feedback so I can improve my stories. :)

[Edited on 10.25.2010 6:53 PM PDT]

  • 10.20.2010 7:32 PM PDT
Subject: Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

OK due to the requests of the readers, I have been banned... oh I meant to say I've changed Sketch's name to Jake. Yes I know that wasn't creative. :)

  • 10.21.2010 10:15 AM PDT

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