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Subject: Helljumpers

Not bad; good, in fact. There are a few teething issues such as dialogue not being structured properly (always start a new line when someone else speaks) and grammar being a little off in some parts, and your characters could do with fleshing out a little better. Each one should be distinguishable enough so that you can see a line of dialogue from a character and know who it is without being told.

But that can all come later. You've done a good job and I hope you continue. Don't be disheartened by a lack of readers: I actually advise you put some sort of denotion in the title to tell people this is a fan fiction as I didn't think it was until I clicked the thread. Putting the latest chapter and the date it was released in the title also helps.

:)

  • 10.21.2010 12:30 PM PDT
Subject: [novel] Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

I have no clue as to how to do that, never mind just figured out how, but its nice to have someone as good at writing Halo stories as you post on mine, but I agree, it does need to be fixed a bit, I did some in the pst few days, like using italics instead of caps, and changing a characters's name. Big fan of your stories, almost done with insurrection and I've caught up on True Sangheili, haven't read Memoirs yet.

[Edited on 10.21.2010 1:19 PM PDT]

  • 10.21.2010 1:16 PM PDT
Subject: [Novel] Helljumpers
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

OK, should the next chapter be about a massive space battle or a huge ground assault? I'll make it tommorow, but I want the readers input.

No really I want your guys opinion, both choices are epic, but you guys choose which the chapter will be about, the losing choice becomes the chapter after that

[Edited on 10.21.2010 5:54 PM PDT]

  • 10.21.2010 3:42 PM PDT

yours is good and it is much better then mine

But unlike mine you have WF


I dont

and im sad :(

  • 10.21.2010 6:10 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

There there Master Chief. Oh wait wrong guy. Crap my cover's blown.

  • 10.21.2010 6:12 PM PDT

lmao lol

darn 3 in a row


but still im sad it seems all wright better then me

why is this I wonder

  • 10.21.2010 6:14 PM PDT

this forum is so freaking slow how does any thing get done

  • 10.21.2010 6:22 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

weres mi feadbak?1!? i needs moar feadbak!!!!!1!1 No but really I would like to know what the readers want, it seems everyone has abandoned me and my story. :(

  • 10.21.2010 6:22 PM PDT

same here the blue dwarf has sunk

good night

  • 10.21.2010 6:24 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

If I don't get feedback by 12:00 tommorow, I'll have to choose.













Crap... I hate choosing. >:(

[Edited on 10.21.2010 7:49 PM PDT]

  • 10.21.2010 6:49 PM PDT

sneeze
Posted by: Ktan Dantaktee
If I don't get feedback by 12:00 tommorow, I'll have to choose.













Crap... I hate choosing. >:(

  • 10.22.2010 2:51 AM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

what?

  • 10.22.2010 5:58 AM PDT
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  • Exalted Legendary Member

If you can read this, you are looking at my signature

I have not read it yet, and I'm not giving any feedback at the moment, but I have a opinion about how you know what people want...

you dont. do it your way. if not you will end up using only old concepts of storytelling....

but I'll try to give some feedback later. after I've read it thru

  • 10.22.2010 6:07 AM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

Ya both can fit in the storyline, but I was just wondering what the readers wanted first

  • 10.22.2010 6:27 AM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

screw it I'm choosing right now, and I'm about to write the chapter

[Edited on 10.22.2010 7:40 AM PDT]

  • 10.22.2010 7:38 AM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

OK due to the fact I was 3/4 done and accidentally hit the stupid cancel button, the next part has been cancelled temporarily. sorry :(



[Edited on 10.24.2010 7:37 PM PDT]

  • 10.22.2010 10:30 AM PDT

The Razor.

For the honour of the Mirratord.

Seriously, stop double posting. You will get banned. Edit your post instead.

  • 10.22.2010 10:34 AM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

1/3 done and it got deleted. Again

  • 10.24.2010 7:38 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.

I've found a permanent solution for Sketch's name, it will be forever Tech. Don't ban me please.

  • 10.25.2010 6:47 PM PDT
Subject: Helljumpers
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I'm surprised no-one else mentioned the name "Lt. Colonel Sainders", sounds like the guy might have a secret recipe for Fried Chicken

  • 10.25.2010 6:54 PM PDT
Subject: [Novel] Helljumpers

"I will show you how a true Prussian officer fights!"

"And i will show you where the iron crosses grow..."

- "Cross of Iron"

I like it but some of it is just cheesy humor in my opinion and really kills the experience of reading it. "then you must not use american express" It just ruins the moment and the scene.

[Edited on 10.25.2010 7:14 PM PDT]

  • 10.25.2010 7:13 PM PDT

What a waste....

Uh... Harvest didn't have an Army. It had a militia of about 30 dudes, and even then, most of them didn't survive.


EDIT: Actually, pretty good. I'd suggest making chapters bigger... and the names.... Try and make up SOMETHING. Things like 'Texas' are more for last resort.

[Edited on 10.25.2010 10:00 PM PDT]

  • 10.25.2010 8:56 PM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.


Posted by: Raptorx7
I like it but some of it is just cheesy humor in my opinion and really kills the experience of reading it. "then you must not use american express" It just ruins the moment and the scene.


Didn't you know?! Spartan IIIs suck at jokes. But I re-used that dialog from Halo 3, theres an Elite that says "I'm Sorry, but we don't take American Express!" Besides, you won't hear that guys crappy jokes ever again. :)

  • 10.26.2010 9:31 AM PDT
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Posted by: chotato
smart, interesting, seems out of place.


Official fan of Assassin's Creed, Call of Duty, (Problem with that?) Halo, and Bungie, also a total gaming junkie.


Posted by: Nocbl2
Uh... Harvest didn't have an Army. It had a militia of about 30 dudes, and even then, most of them didn't survive.


Tell that to Halo Wars.

  • 10.26.2010 9:33 AM PDT

What a waste....


Posted by: Ktan Dantaktee

Posted by: Nocbl2
Uh... Harvest didn't have an Army. It had a militia of about 30 dudes, and even then, most of them didn't survive.


Tell that to Halo Wars.
Halo Wars takes place about 5 years after Harvest was retaken, and the Army is defense, so there IS NO ARMY ON HARVEST!

  • 10.26.2010 4:24 PM PDT

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