- last post: 01.01.0001 12:00 AM PDT
I found this hilarious rundown posted on another forum I post on. The whole thing's a spoiler; it will ruin the entire plot (if you can call it that). So unless you don't care or have seen the movie, here:
Posted on: NS forums
Zoom in: Our new Ripley is all sorts of climbing on ice. This shows she's rowdy and ready for action. Weiland calls and needs her help and she's like "NO." And then she's like "YES."
The thing to remember from this scene? While climbing ice alone you must always pick up your phone.
Stafford: We need your help now. I have flown this helicopter here.
Black Ripley: You think I would have noticed the helicopter land. Or at least seen it.
Stafford: I'm sure it is very loud here, and making helicopters appear shows how rich and important the guy from Millenia is.
Fast forward. They find a pyramid in the ice. They get a bunch of experts who will all be dead in about five minutes.
Italian guy: This pyramid is like every other pyramid in different parts. This must be from the first people ever born ever, before they all got blown up and scattered around with different types of pyramids.
Guy from the ancient past: I'm going to be Egyptian! I call smooth walls!
His friend: I'm cambodian! I claim the spires!
Weyland: My experts say this may be Egyptian because the walls are smooth. This is in spite of the fact there are no freaking smooth walls when you see it.
Audience: We're drunk!
Blonde French Girl: A gun is like a condom.
Random guy: How do you figure?
Blonde French Girl: One fires bullets, and this is terrible writing.
Black Ripley: When we get on the ice no one ever goes anywhere alone. This is how people die.
Audience: Weren't you just CLIMBING UP A SHEER FACE OF ICE alone in the first scene?
Spud: I have kids and I'm scared of flying. I'm a chemical engineer.
Black Ripley: Why are you here?
Spud: It's a little known fact that every pyramid is made entirely out of chemicals. I have kids, and like to take pictures. These character traits will become important when....no wait nevermind I'm dead.
Team: Let's split up. This way we can all die. Half of us will die in ways ripped off of the first Aliens movies, the other half from ways ripped off of the first two Predator movies.
Predators: We must get to this pyramid to hunt the aliens! Shoot the laser so we can get down to it!
Black Ripley: So you found this pyramid using your satellites? Why are you using satellites?
Weyland: To find minerals?
Black Ripley: I thought you made billions in robotics?
Weyland: You use minerals to make robots. Now shut up [female dog]. By the way I'm dying. I have to suck my anti-cockroach sauce out of this inhaler.
Black Ripley: Is there a reason your inhaler is attached to an air compressor?
Weyland: We'll see!
Black Ripley: Hey, you said your satellites can see heat, right?
Weyland: Oh yeah, totally.
Black Ripley: So if someone shot a GIANT freaking LASER FROM SPACE to BURN A HOLE INTO THE ICE, you'd pick that up right?
Weyland: Of course not.
Predators: We remain undetected.
Everyone else: Hey this is a great pyramid. HOLY [poo] WE'RE ALL DEAD!
Blood French Girl: Hey, this facehugger is dead but I'm still alive OMG THE LIFECYCLE NOW TAKES FIVE MINUTES! ALIENS EVERYWHERE!
Weyland: Predator!
Predator: I will kill y.... No I won't, my Xray vision shows you are in fact sworming with cockroaches.
Weyland: Wow. This inhaler has surprisingly high pressure. Good thing I hooked it into this air compressor. BURN!
Aliens: Our lips curl CONSTANTLY. Let's kill every Predator but the important one with the giant red [female sex organ] for a face.
Black Ripley: I have given Steven Segal his gun back and accidently killed an alien. I am now his equal.
Predator: Jesus, we kind of suck against these aliens.
[female sex organ]: I am a flying [female sex organ]. I pop out of my [female sex organ] and infect people. I am killed by beings with [female sex organ] for faces.
Audience: We mostly have never seen a [female sex organ] ever so this is a brand new original design idea for a creature.
Italian guy: It's a good thing I can read every language in the world from back in the day, because now we get to flashback to when Predators killed all of civilization to destroy the aliens they couldn't control.
Black Ripley: What?
Italian Guy: Oh yeah, well, one guy escaped and he built THIS pyramid just in case.
Black Ripley: Just making sure.
Stafford: I'm what passes for an interesting character in this movie. I am not to be trusted and was hiding guns. These character traits will be important later because....nevermind I'm dead.
Italian Guy: MY CHEST IS EXPLODING!
Predator: I can catch this alien, and squish him, because HIS blood isn't acid yet. In fact, sometimes the blood is acid, this serves our real god, the **** Script God.
Black Ripley: Like how this alien head I use as a freaking retarded shield doesn't have any blood?
Predator: This is correct.
Black Ripley: Oh no! We are being chased, we must escape up the laser burnhole, it's a good thing the winch works again and is five billion times faster.
Aliens: Foiled!
Black Ripley and Predator: Wheee! We're flying! It's a good thing no one saw the X-Files movie or this would be a really sweet scene.
Queen alien: I don't miss the rest of me. I will now rampage around.
Black Ripley: I'm running through Bones! I've never seen Jurassic Park and this is a brand new scene!
Queen Alien: [have sex with you] YOU [female dog]! We're in the arctic! There are no airlocks!
Predator: I have strapped the alien onto this big heavy thing, using the chain it's been dragging around all movie, just to be sure we would know how the movie would end two hours ago!
Queen Alien: Don't let go Rose!
Predator: I will respect you by burning your face, just like my hideous red [female sex organ] face is burned.
Predator: I am dead.
Other Predators: Black Ripley, have a staff. We've never seen Predator 2 and this is a brand new original scene.
Black Ripley: Can I get a ride home?
Other Predators: No.
Predator's Body: I HAD AN ALIEN IN ME! OH THE SHOCK!
Predalien: I am supposed to be menacing except for the fact I'm in a Predator ship filled with Preds who are all armed to the teeth trained to kill the adult me.
Audience: Hey, wait a minute, so the alien life cycle is back to being like three hours? Wasn't it a week in the future?
Paul Anderson: We're assuming no one saw any other movie ever made. Back to counting my loot.
THE END.