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Subject: [Fanfic] Yipip - An unggoy tale - Chapter 6 done

Chapter 1
Days of old are gone for a day

Days were beautiful, Days were blue and icy. No need for these heavy tin cans on are backs or these ignorant gas mask to help us breath. Every day looking out a window into darkness, never seeing a blue sky long enuf to enjoy before its destroyed by the heavens beam. I have seen much death and yet no beauty, unlike these, these, these honor addicted Sangheili and the disgusting Jiralhanae. The only ones who seem to under stand my thoughts are my fellow Unggoy and the Huragok. I miss the Huragok as on this ship we have none and as I recall only 1 corvette that came with us actually had one, or was it more than one corvette that did. My age is indeed creeping on me in these latent years if I cant seem to remember what ships have what.

*Yawn*

"Yipip, What is it you seem more board then usual" Riz said sounding more sleepy then I did, but he said it so cheerfully that no one but I would probaly be able to tell.

"I know Riz'Comee, I mean sir, I mean great General" I soon blurted in fear that some one may be behind a corner lessening.

"Hahaha, My friend, you dont half to say my full name or call me by those ridiculous words others call respect"

"Sorry Riz but I am only a simple Unggoy and you a mighty Sangheili General"

"Yipip, Please stop this nonsense. You and I have been together sense we were both minor's now look at us. Me a General and you a Deacon" His voice said frowning on my wrinkled head.

I looked at my friend who was the only one Sangheili I trusted and liked more then any one I have ever met. I had shed a tear but quickly rubbed it off hopping he wouldn't notice.

"Now what is it. Your to old to start crying over my words"

"I may be old but my heart is young and in pain. War has torn it from my chest several times only to put it back in and rip it back out as if playing a game a gimber ball from my home planet"



He simply looked at me then, looked out the window of are Corvette and down on the planet the humans called Reach.
A beautiful name for such a rock torn planet.

"Your are right my friend but we have been threw much and have always stuck threw it. We may be just 2 friends in a war that none will live from but we are brothers whos souls will smite all in are way.
Well its time for my leave now. The bridge must be wondering were I am
"

Once he left for the bridge I left for my room. It was small and I shared it with one of my guards, Zipyip. A simple Unggoy Ultra. He and his clutch unlike me was not lucky enuf to be born on Balaho. He was one of the sad large amount of my kind to be born as live stock for war. He was lucky how ever I chose his clutch of eggs to be my guard. He and his clutch quickly showed me that my choice was right as they all became high ranked Unggoy.
I raised them as my own and they repaid me many times by protecting my life. They were a clutch of 10 eggs only 5 of them are still alive. They stayed my guard even tho they could have all become leaders of there own squads. They are loyal to me and I to them.

As soon as I entered the room he jumped out of bed and put a book under his pillow (One of the many privileges of being a Deacons Guard to be allowed a simple pillow unlike other Unggoy).

"Sir" The ultra shuttered as if I would cut his throat if he didn't show respect.

"You dont half to be formal with me, a simple deacon"

"Yes sir"

Dear prophets, when will he hear what I say.

"So, you were reading one of my book's again weren't you. you know if some one besides me finds out you have been reading them you could be put to death"

Poor lad. I cant blame him for wanting to read a human book. I my self love many and being a Deacon am aloud to collect them to "study" them. I however dont like it when Zipip takes them with out my permission fore he is a ultra, and reading them could get him killed and me to for letting him. But I dont worry he is very good at keeping things hidden.

"So. What were you reading this time"

"The hobbit sir. Its a good book and it be a shame to let it just sit there on your shelf"

I agreed with him on that. It was hard to get too. From what I understand, its a book that was made around 200 years ago or more and even for humans it is rare. I however got lucky and found it in a crate on a planet called Harvest.

"Fine but put it back when your done"

He simply nodded and opened the book to read. I then went to my shelf in hopes of reading my favorite book called "The Man in the Iron Mask". I find it odd how a brother can grow so jealous of his long lost brother just because he is a king.
Wait where is it.

"Zipip, Where is my book "The man in the Iron Mask""

"Oh a General came in and said it was ok if he borrowed it"

Riz. Always coming in while im gone and taking my books. He needs to learn to ask before he takes.

Then a large bang came out of no where and a call quickly came on my radio.

"Yip were under attack. Go to the drop pods for evac"

I tried to reply but the connection quickly was lost. I couldn't tell because of the static but it sounded like Riz. I hope hes ok.

"Come sir we must leave. I will rally my troop and we will leave"

So soon we ran with Zips troops behind. 2 Heavy and 2 Special Operations. I did'nt understand what was going on but I knew it wasn't good. We ran down hallway after hallway in tell we made it to the drop pods. They were all there, not one had yet been taken.

Once we entered it dropped. Down we went fast with out a thing to stop us. It felt like hours even tho it had only been a minute.

BANG

We hit the ground hard, but in a safe zone with out a human in sight. We were alive for now.

[Edited on 01.26.2011 5:39 PM PST]

  • 10.23.2010 5:45 PM PDT
Subject: Yipip the fanfic

I think the edits are done

chapter one sould be satisfactory


please read and comment and say what you think so future writings can be better

  • 10.23.2010 7:42 PM PDT
Subject: Yipip:the fanfic A unggoy tale

Chapter 2
We have landed

"Zipip is every one ok"

"Yes sir"

"What previsions do we have"

"2 of your books, 1 pound of Zap-Jelly, and 4 pounds of Thorn Beasts"

"Weapons"

"4 plasma pistols all half or lower filled with plasma, and 1 Fuel Rod Gun with 1 blast"

I nodded at Zipip. When suddenly one of the grunt heavy's stepped out of are drop pod and looked into the sky. He looked like he was scared. Soon we all ran out to join him and to see what was happening. A large glowing circle had appeared inside the Long Night of Solace. Then we saw it came closer and closer to the ground and saw it crash.
We were all shocked by this. no not shocked. Destroyed.

We had many friends on that ship and were to sad to notice that more Super-carrier's had entered the the area. A entire fleet had come to attack the planet.

I had shed a tear but quickly rubbed it off.

"Come we must look for a radio to contact them. Time we left this rock and went home"

They nodded and we soon started are quest to find a human city to find a communication devise through this icy tundra that reminded me so much of my home world.


************************************************************* **

As I limped through the icy tundra of this planet leaving the ship I had tried to save, I travailed on in hopes of finding my friend Yipip. I hope he left safely with out trouble from those 2 demons. I my self escaped right when the ship had docked into Long Night of Solace. I left with 2 minors. One died when we crashed the other is just behind me with a broken arm. They were twins from what I could tell and this death must have been heavy on him.

"General, Shouldn't we go to the ship and check for survivors"

"You may but note you will ether die trying to search the ship while it son fire or by the cold weather"

He gulped. He was indeed a simple minor and one of the weakest iv met. He how ever was my only help right now and I did'nt even know his name. I sould ask his name but names make you grow to attached, This makes you weak. Oh what am I talking about Im to old to be cold like this.

"Sir. Iv been meaning to ask you. You are very old. Why are you still in this war"

"I may be old and brittle but im NOT DEAD YET. AM I"

"No sir but I"

"But what. You think a old person like me cant fight. I have been fighting and winning battles sense before you were born "

He then looked down and I could tell he was about to cry. So weak but I could understand. Loosing a brother, fighting in a war you dont understand. He may be weak but he was the most True of my species Iv ever met.

[Edited on 10.24.2010 2:25 PM PDT]

  • 10.24.2010 6:36 AM PDT
Subject: Yipip the fanfic

tittle has been changed for extra character

and chapter 2 will be finished later today

  • 10.24.2010 8:00 AM PDT

Im done with chapter 2 I know its small but It just seems to be better small

  • 10.24.2010 10:57 AM PDT
Subject: Yipip:the fanfic A unggoy tale

What a waste....

I tried to spellcheck it, but my extended code stripper isn't working right now. Hm.

Also, try and describe the setting more, i.e., "Yipyip trudged across the icy tundra," etc. Just helps to bring the story to life more.

[Edited on 10.24.2010 11:34 AM PDT]

  • 10.24.2010 11:31 AM PDT


Posted by: Nocbl2
I tried to spellcheck it, but my extended code stripper isn't working right now. Hm.

Also, try and describe the setting more, i.e., "Yipyip trudged across the icy tundra," etc. Just helps to bring the story to life more.


Ill do that thanks

I was having trouble deciding were would yipip and company have landed

But now that I think of it, it is most likely he would be in the tundra.

thanks

  • 10.24.2010 2:22 PM PDT

What a waste....

Also,after every piece of dialogue, tell who's talking.

"Blah blah blah" Said Yipflap
or
"Hello!" The drunk cow mooed/.

  • 10.24.2010 2:25 PM PDT


Posted by: Nocbl2
Also,after every piece of dialogue, tell who's talking.

"Blah blah blah" Said Yipflap
or
"Hello!" The drunk cow mooed/.


Ill try but I was trying to do what Wolf did with his


you know when they were talking and you could always tell even when he didn't say

  • 10.24.2010 2:30 PM PDT

What a waste....


Posted by: Axe11154

Posted by: Nocbl2
Also,after every piece of dialogue, tell who's talking.

"Blah blah blah" Said Yipflap
or
"Hello!" The drunk cow mooed/.


Ill try but I was trying to do what Wolf did with his


you know when they were talking and you could always tell even when he didn't say
Yeah, I do that too, but what you do is this:


"Blah" Mr blah said.
"Blah blah"Mrs. blah said.
"Blah?"
"Naw."

  • 10.24.2010 3:15 PM PDT


Posted by: Nocbl2

Posted by: Axe11154

Posted by: Nocbl2
Also,after every piece of dialogue, tell who's talking.

"Blah blah blah" Said Yipflap
or
"Hello!" The drunk cow mooed/.


Ill try but I was trying to do what Wolf did with his


you know when they were talking and you could always tell even when he didn't say
Yeah, I do that too, but what you do is this:


"Blah" Mr blah said.
"Blah blah"Mrs. blah said.
"Blah?"
"Naw."


um ok

  • 10.24.2010 3:27 PM PDT

Chapter 3

Ice

As me and the minor walked through the icy tundra in hopes of finding a way to call a Phantom to pick us up and send us home we found a weird devise that I have never seen before. One part of it must of been a camera, I wasn't to sure thou. There seemed to be foot steps leading from it to some un known location. Demons. I could tell these feet from any one thing and they were with out a doubt demons. If we followed the foot prints we could find a human settlement and take there communication devices, then hard wire them to be able to communicate with a Corvette so it could send a phantom to pick us up. The risky part is we might run into a demon.

"Sir, What would happen if a whole fleet came to a planet" The minor stuttered as if to say one of are fleets had actually came. What nonsense.

"Well I guess the fleet would be here to glass the planet and kill every thing that even tried to leave HAHAHAHA" I said jokingly.

I then turned around to ask him why he would ask such a thing. He was just staring up in aw, as if what he had asked was true. I quickly looked up to see it was. We then both looked at each other in shock and started running in the direction that the foot prints were leading us tords.

************************************************************* *

We wobbled through the snow in hopes of finding a city soon. While the others were shivering I was just walking as if it was a mid summer's morning. I loved the cold and mist it from my home world. If only they were born on Balaho instead of that Jackal dump Eayn.

"Sir can we take a brake to warm up. Its freezing" One of the heavy's shivering so much he might drop the Fuel Rod he was carrying.

"We cant. Look at the fleet above us. if you look they have a glassing ship. Not to mention the way the fleet is positioned. You can easily tell its one of Thel 'Vadamee's tactics, and from what I know from being in his fleet when I was a a member of his fleet. Hes going to glass this planet soon"

The others just stared at me like I was crazy but Zip could tell I wasn't joking. He then looked at his troops with big opened eyes and then they knew. Then out of no where they all started running past me as if they had just been hatched and were eager to take there legs for a spin.

"Wait for me" I shouted having trouble keeping up.

It didn't take us long at all to reach a city. We ran into it once we saw a Corvette orbiting the city.

We were all happy and excited now filled with new vitality, eager to board this mighty vessel in hopes head homeward. That is... in tell we saw the blood. Every where were the colors of blue purple and red covering the walls and street. Body's littered the street of both Brute and human. Even some of my own kind were there with holes blown in there body by the humans metal stings.

This was no attack. This was a blood bath the Jiralhanaes left to leave a message. I could tell some of the brutes hadn't of eaten as some of the human body's were missing limbs and heads. Savages.

The Jiralhanaes are all beast who care not what they eat as long as it fills there fat gullets.

Zipip was probably scared. I couldn't tell because of his mask but his body was shaking as he walked next to me. His troops were all scared as well.

"Jiralhanae were here about an hour ago. They left there message all to clear.Its time we went in search of them so we may leave" I said as if they were are only hope.

The others were scared to do so but they knew this was the only proof there were troops near are location. As scary as it may be we had to search for these beast of death.

************************************************************* **

The 2 of us ran following the demons foot steps. I still haven't told the minor we were following demon foot prints. If I told him thou, Would he run off in terror or stay by my choice to follow in hopes of finding a way home.... and Revenge.


We soon saw a city in the distance. A little more then what I was expecting but I would rather have this then a small village any day. The best part was the Corvette. The icing on the cake that sent my heart soaring. The ship meant battle. Battle meant easy way to find a phantom. Easy way to find phantom means home ward bound.

We ran even faster with hopes in are hearts and a mind filled with pleasure. If only we knew what we would find.

Soon we reached the city. Once we entered we luckily found a Jiralhanae camp probably set up to guard this area. They were eating some odd meat. Thorn beat? No, you dont boil it or it burns. Blind Wolf? No, there meat is to chewy even for a brute to swallow. Possibly eating Gúta to just try it? I cant blame them as it would probably taste very juicy with all that fat and muscle. I had to know. Me and the minor walked closer. Once we got out of the shadows one of the 2 chieftains in the group looked up and saw us.

"Aw a General has come to join us in are feast before the glassing starts. Sit down next to me and my tween brother and try this meat we just sliced up and cooked." The Chieftain bellowed out joyfully as if he had just won a large battle.

"Thank you kind chieftain. Me and my friend would enjoy the splendors of a large win" I said as you sould never say no to such a rare offer as Jiralhanae's dont enjoy sharing any one thing with us Sangheili.

They quickly tossed us 2 bowls of this odd meat.
I soon put a spoon full in my mouth and swallowed. It was juicy and very tender. Well cooked and best meat I have had in a long time sense joining the military. The minor seemed to enjoy it as well being he had finished his bowl so quickly, or was he just hungry from running.

"So, Chieftain what is this food you are serving" I Questioned with hope of having a new favorite food I could cook for my future troops.

"Your not going to like what you hear, Oh grand general" The chieftains brother said grimly saying with a small smirked at the end.

"Come now brother Hes a general when he ask we tell him what he wants"

"Fine. Human"

I soon felt sick to the gut but it quickly went away when seeing the minor vomit.

"Hahahaha seems your minor cant hold his guts" Said one of the 2 chieftains chuckling as if he couldn't stop.

"I cant blame him as what you have done is disgusting" I said angerly.

"But I can understand a hungry army is no army. So I understand. So who do we have the pleasure to be eating with this day" I said in a kind voice. The brutes did'nt seem to mind this and seem to take a liking to my words.

"Time we packed up. The phantom will be here shortly.

Oh and by any chance do ether of you 2 know how to use a needle rifle
"

[Edited on 10.28.2010 2:36 AM PDT]

  • 10.25.2010 2:32 PM PDT

What a waste....

What you should do is write it in Microsoft Word, or Pages if you have a Mac.

Then, you can save and you have spellcheck. Really helps.

  • 10.25.2010 5:51 PM PDT

I dont have any of these


However on this I do have spell check and have used it for this many times.

Why did it give me something wrong

  • 10.26.2010 2:25 PM PDT

By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.

What is this? I don't even...*head implodes*

  • 10.26.2010 2:48 PM PDT

is it that bad :(
Posted by: ajw34307
What is this? I don't even...*head implodes*

  • 10.26.2010 4:22 PM PDT
  •  | 
  • Veteran Legendary Member

I am an orange mist amongst a sea of blue, so my flames may stand out and represent all those who trully believe in this great sacriment of Bungie history, let my story be told as the only legendary still standing even after I fall Just as my comrades did so graciously to fight for the true loyal.
If you have legendary, would you stand by my side and go forth into a sea blue and demise as my brothers fighting for those who are trully loyal to Bungie?

correct spelling and capitalization are needed other than that its pretty good also your vocabulary could be changed a bit and use words that are a bit underused or not expected but overall really good. Know when does the entire book come out? LOL

  • 10.26.2010 11:53 PM PDT


Posted by: thump35
correct spelling and capitalization are needed other than that its pretty good also your vocabulary could be changed a bit and use words that are a bit underused or not expected but overall really good. Know when does the entire book come out? LOL


LMAO

it will be out soon dont worry
as many other writers on the forums im writing more then one story
I will write some more of this chapter right now just for you

  • 10.27.2010 5:00 PM PDT

chapter 3 is done

dang that toulk to lkong

  • 10.28.2010 2:36 AM PDT
Subject: [Fanfic] Yipip - An unggoy tale

Chapter 4
A demon is my prey.

As we got into the phantom we I looked at the weapons they had. Only spikers, a Gravity Hammer, and a Fuel Rod. The gravity Hammer and fuel rod were the chieftains I guess. 2 chieftains leading one small group. This was strange for there kind but it could just be how they work. having 2 leaders would make step in and step out missions easier and make it harder for there leader ship to be challenged being there brothers and you would half to fight both.

" So, Mighty chieftains. May we know your names" I asked trying to pass time.

"Im Tronus and my brother is Crantus. We are the leaders of the Master Pack "Crovesus" and the Future leaders of the "Fishorn" Alpha Tribe" Tronus said proudly with his followers bowing there heads. These must be very high ranking Jiralhanae indeed.

"May we ask your names" Crantus ask almost gently.

"I am Riz'Comee, last of the Com clan" I said as if it meant something. It would not as I have no family left and there for have disgraced my name by not producing a child to take it over. This they knew and I could tel they felt bad for me. I wish they did not waste there thoughts of petty on me for I do not wont it.

"And I am Gone'Finee. Father to 3 and newest leader to the Fin clan" The minor said dimly. I knew the fin clan well as most did. They are the largest and most wealthy servant clan on are home planet and as such shouldn't have any going to war (being none have ever been taut to fight). If he was sent to battle being there leader the entire clan must have been sent to war. Indeed these have become dark times for my kind if even are least experienced are being sent to fight in this war of blood and brimstone.

The Jiralhanae however would never care for such a thing. For them battle is the only true reason to live.

"Chieftain, The command code has been given and the glassing will start soon" said the Pilot in fear. This was grave news for me as its possible that Yipip was in the city.


"How long" asked Tronus with no feeling on his face

"5 to 10 minutes" The Pilot said with out regret

"Put up the shields, put up the doors, cover the cannon" Crantus barked at his men with furry.

His men quickly did all he commanded with out a question. While they worked I sat there, just starring at the floor of the Phantom scared for Yipip.
My friend
Could die if I dont help
and yet Im to afraid to help knowing I would never find him
May the Prophets save his soul.

************************************************************* *

As we walked through the blood covered street we walked by a demon. A large needle that hadn't of blown was in his stomach. His left leg was torn clean off from the knee and his hands were both crushed showing a hand-to-hand fight with a Jiralhanae, but not a normal one no. This was the work of a chieftain.
*Agh* The Demon awoke shocking us all. He wasn't dead.
I quickly raised my plasma pistol and shot. This melted his helmets glass and clearly ended his life.

"Flip his body" I said to the heavy's hatching a crazy scheme.

When his body rolled I could tell this could work.

We were lucky he had a thing the Humans called Armor Lock.
It aloud you to survive heavy attacks with out any scratches.
All we had to do was modify the wiring to create a bubble shield instead of a armor reinforcement. Human tech was easy to modify and easy to change its function. All you needed was a power source. The demons armor still had power but did it have the power left to actually create the shield size we needed.

"SIR, A SHIP ORBITING THE CITY IS CHARGING ITS GLASS BEAM" one of are spec ops yelled.
This was bad. I had to work quick.

*********************************************


Are ship flew threw the city slowly to scout out for any hiding humans. I did'nt know why as the glass beam would kill them off with is destructive power.

It did'nt take long before we started getting signals. We got 2. A civilian pick up. This was not are target. The second was a human calling for back up.

"Pilot, turn the volume up I would wish to hear" I said to the pilot wondering what this human was doing. Once the volume came on I could hear it clearly.

"Help, are squad of 5 has just killed a whole group of jackals and request immediate pick up" The human said in frantic scare.
He will not live to leave the city as the glassing will start soon.

I then looked at Tronus who had pointed at 2 minor brutes and then at the hatch. Both of them walked to it with fire in there eyes.
"Pilot open the hatch" Crantus said as if he and his brother always send there tribe mates to death.

"Why would you do that when this city is about to be glassed. Those humans will probably die by the Glass cannon. There is no need to waits troops on the soon to be dead" I said with anger in my voice.

"Do not be angry with are choice old general. We sent them because Humans can find shelter to hide from a Glassing. These bunkers as there called are deep and can hide them from the devastating damage. if we even leave any human alive we " Crantus answered simply.

"And your 2 soldiers"

"Those 2 are my sons and as such I have given them both forerunner shield pods. As you wheel know, They can hold against any one thing we have in are arsenal including the glass beam." Tronus claimed with slight anger in his voice.

I felt as if my lungs had been tied together and ripped threw my throat. I did'nt enjoy being made a fool by a Dirt Filled, blood craved, Ape Jiralhanae.
"Chieftain, we have one more transmission. This ones important" The Pilot spoke from no where.

"Turn it up then" both Chieftains said.

"...ter here"
....
"Yes sir"
"Carter you and your team must go to Sword Base and reclaim Dr.Halsey's work to ke....."

I grabbed my needle rifle and walked tords the door when all of a sudden the glassing started. It was short but shook the Phantom up quite a bit. We parked the phantom over a large hole in a building we thought the humans were in. We turned the engines low and the door hatched opened. I took aim. I soon saw a blue helmet and fired. What I shot was a Demon. When I saw this I stared in aw as the demon next to it grabbed its weapon and fired.

A bullet grazed my arm.

The hatch closed and we left.


[Edited on 11.04.2010 3:19 AM PDT]

  • 10.28.2010 2:25 PM PDT
Subject: Yipip:the fanfic A unggoy tale

make it 4
my story just got deleted by a black out

  • 10.28.2010 6:27 PM PDT

Sour0deez is the leader of the t-P-t
And Administrator of The Clan Union Group
this file is not linked to sour0deez due to technical difficulties this file is linked to MUGBEER19 also IMPORTANT here my name is sourodeez on xbox it is sour0deez

CURSES

  • 10.30.2010 2:51 PM PDT

Im actually getting fans from this.


Awesome.

  • 10.30.2010 5:09 PM PDT

EXistence PROhibited!
Feel free to join my group, the Vault of Lore

I wouldn't call it fans just yet...

One thing. I just saw this thread and started reading. The very first chapter is really REALLY hard to read into, as there is just too much dialog and too little description of emotions etc.

If you really want to attract good fans, then the first chapter needs to be "perfect". A little teaser to get people to continue reading...

I STRONGLY suggest that you rewrite your first chapter.

I like the story though, but as I said. 1. Chapter = Most important. (in my opinion)

  • 10.31.2010 12:08 PM PDT

EXistence PROhibited!
Feel free to join my group, the Vault of Lore

Also, your thread topic should look good too. Yours even contains spelling mistakes, which really doesn't look attractive.

Call it:
[Fanfic] Yipip - An unggoy tale
That looks much more attractive then yours:Yipip:the fanfic A unggoy tale don't you agree? But it's your decision!! :-)

double-post btw, sorry

  • 10.31.2010 12:12 PM PDT

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